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C, i/i/i. fi ' THE 



BOOK OF TRAVELS 



A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 



CONTAINING HIS 



OBSERVATIONS MADE IN CERTAIN PORTIONS 
OF THE TWO CONTINENTS. 






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PHILADELPHIA: 

J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO. 
1871. ^ 



T)9/? 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1871, by 

J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO., 
In the OiSce of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 



PREFACE. 



The kind reception accorded to a short series of news- 
paper letters of mine, describing a portion of the tour to 
which this volume relates, leading me to infer that a com- 
prehensive narrative might meet with favor, it is now 
presented, with the hope that I am not counting unduly 
on the forbearance of the public. 

I am fully sensible of the difficulty of giving interest 
to the relation of what has already been told a thousand 
times. To obviate this difficulty to some extent, I have 
endeavored to view the scenes I have to describe from a 
standpoint and in a manner different from what has been 
usually chosen. I have looked at them a-slant and 
a-squint, and out of the corner of my eye, as it were. 
This may have given my pictures sometimes an appear- 
ance of distortion. The distortion is only apparent, how- 
ever, and the reader may assure himself that what I de- 
scribe is presented faithfully as I saw it. Where I have 
been compelled to make statements which it was out of 
my power to verify for myself, I have resorted to the 
best authorities. Whatever information, therefore, is to 
be gathered from the book may be relied upon as accurate. 

But my chief dependence for conferring novelty and 
interest upon the work has been by making it a personal 
narrative. To relate the incidents of travel and to de- 
scribe men and manners rather than things, has been my 
object. The book, therefore, necessarily contains much 
about myself individually, and it has much besides about 
myself that is not necessary, but which is, I trust, not 
offensively obtruded. I have occasionally, too, wandered 
clean away from the main subject ; but, as these little 

(iii) 



ly PREFACE. 

excursions are made with the worthy object of relieving 
the aridity of drier details, they should not be too harshly 
judged. By proceeding in this way, then, while I am 
quite sure that I have not made a very instructive book, 
I permit myself to hope that I have made a reasonably 
entertaining one. 

Though the book is announced specifically as the work 
of a medical man, the reader need not fear that he will 
be troubled with much of a professional nature, — with 
little more, indeed, than brief notices of the claims of 
such places as are of repute as sanitary resorts. 

I am constrained to ask the critical reader to be con- 
siderate towards the many faults in the execution of the 
work, which he will no doubt discover, seeing that it had 
to be done under pressure of a variety of pursuits not 
friendly to correct and tasteful composition. 

It is my sorrowful office to add here that, while en- 
gaged with the last pages of this book, I was called upon 
to deplore the death of the companion in the journey of 
which it is the record. He returned from Europe with 
little, if any, improvement of health, and passed the 
ensuing winter in Florida, — his sojourn there apparently 
benefiting him. The amelioration was but transient ; he 
soon grew worse. When the summer came, he went to 
the A-^irginia Springs. Worn as he was, yet I scarcely 
thought when I grasped his fevered hand and looked into 
his thin face a short while before he set out that it was 
for the last time. I saw him no more, however. At the 
Springs he failed rapidly. Exerting his almost exhausted 
strength he regained his home, where, lingering for a 
very little while, he died. He had made the preparation 
of a Christian for the change, and departed in peace of 
soul and mind and body. So has passed away the friend 
to whose liberality I am indebted for the opportunity of 
beholding the scenes I herein attempt to portray, and 
with the memory of whom all my future recollections of 
them must be sadly blended. 

KicHMOKD, Va., May 13th, 1871. 



OOI^TEE"TS. 



CHAPTER L 

PAGE 

Shows why and when the Doctor went forth upon his Travels, 
and how he got as far as Cuba— Of the Circumstances of his Dis- 
embarkation at the City of Havana, and an Account of the 
Hotel El Telegrafo 9 

CHAPTER 11. 
Exhibits some of the Characteristics of the City of Havana . . 18 

CHAPTER III. 

Which is Recreational, Ecclesiastical, Sepulchral, and Meteorolog- 
ical 31 

CHAPTER IV. 

Containing Matter of direful Belligerency relevant to the Great Re- 
bellion in Cuba — Of the Rise and Exaltation of the Voluntaries, 
and of the astounding Feats of Arms that they performed . . 43 

CHAPTER V. 

Tells how we plowed the Main from Cuba's Tepid Isle to old Roman- 
tic Spain — Our Joys and Woes in transitu, and Portraits of our 
Partners thereof, with Notes on Things Nautical, Medical, Philo- 
logical, etc. 56 

CHAPTER VI. 

Of our Landing in Europe, and of the beggarly Reception we met 
with — Of the Fonda de America of Cadiz — Of the City of Cadiz 
— Of its Cathedral — Of the State of Politics in Cadiz, and how 
the Patriots of that City became involved in Difficulties with the 
Central Government, and by what Means they gained a happy 
Issue out of them — Of the fostering of the Tender Passion by the 
Gaditanos, and of the surpassing Charms of the Cadiz Ladies . 75 

(V) 



Vi CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER VII. 

PAGE 

Containing some Account of Railroad Economics in Spain — Of the 
City of Seville, the Ciiaracter of its Inhabitants, and its Commer- 
cial Status, Present and Prospective — Of the Cathedral, the Al- 
cazar, the House of Pilate, the Paintings, and the Tobacco Fac- 
tory, and of the ruined City of Italica . . . . . .86 

CHAPTER VIII. 

How we retrace our Steps to Cadiz and go thence to Malaga — How 
we put up at the Fonda de la Alameda and make awful Dis- 
coveries of what is in the Pot — A general Description of Malaga, 
with the Incidents of our Stay there — How we go from Malaga to 
Granada and get Experience of Travel by Diligence . . . 100 

CHAPTER IX. 

Granada — Of the Hotel de Washington Irving, and the Landlord 
of that Hostel and his all-accomplished Son-in-Law — Of the AI- 
hambra— Of the Generalife ........ 110 

CHAPTER X. 

Of what other Things are to be seen in Granada, especially the 
Cathedral and the Carthusian Convent — Of the sociable and 
edifying Nature of our Indoor Life there — How we returned to 
Malaga, with the unpropitious Circumstances of the Journey, 
and how we were comforted on the Way ..... 126 

CHAPTER XL 

Of the Steamer Jackal, and of our Voyage in her to the Rock of 
Gibraltar — Of Gibraltar and its Features, Military and Civil . 136 

CHAPTER XIL 

How we extended our Observations into Heathenesse, and of the 
strange Things we there saw . 149 

CHAPTER XIII. 

Of what Manner of Men the Spaniards are, and a Political Pre- 
lection concerning the Reconstruction of Spain .... 166 

CHAPTER XIV. 

Of our pleasant Voyaging from Gibraltar to Malta — Reflections on 
the Character of the English People — -How I displayed and mag- 
nified our Country's Greatness in the Belles-Lettres — How we 
reached the City of Valetta, with various Matters to its Dispar- 
agement ........ ... 177 



CONTENTS. Vii 

CHAPTER XV. 

PAGE 

Of the ominous Bark wherein we set sail for Italy, and of a very 
distressful Accident that happened to me, and of the unrighteous 
Accusations made against me therein — Of our Transshipment 
into another Bark, and the fresh Tribulations engendered thereby 
— how we sped triumphantly past Scylla and Charybdis and 
got safely to Naples — With brief Descriptions of the Places we 
saw on our Way . . . . . . . . . .190 

CHAPTER XVI. 

How we had DiflSculty in setting up our Staff in Naples, and of the 
Place where it was finally set up — Of Naples in its out-of-door 
Aspects 206 

CHAPTER XVII. 
Naples within-doors ...,,>.... 216 

CHAPTER XVIII. 

Of sundry noted Places in the Neighborhood of Naples — ^The Tomb 
of Virgil— The Lake Agnano— The Grotto of the Dog— The Sol- 
fatara — Monte Nuovo — The Grotto of the Sibyl — The Lake 
Avernus, and the Town of Baice — Together with Contributions 
towards the Biography of a certain ardent Follower of Science . 226 

CHAPTER XIX. 

Containing the Character of Pliny the Elder, and an Account of the 
City of Pompeii, Past and Present 244 

CHAPTER XX. 

How we journeyed to the Eternal City, and of our Besetments and 
Contentions and Strivings by the Way, and how hard it was to 
make good our Lodgment therein ....... 257 

CHAPTER XXL 

How we strove to do our Duty by the manifold Sights to be seen at 
Rome, and of the Expert whose Aid we invoked — Containing 
also an Exposition of the Science and Art of Topography as ap- 
plied there, with Descriptions of some of the principal Churches, 
and Notes on the Vatican 271 

CHAPTER XXIL 
The Relics of the Ancient City 28.''> 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER XXIir. 

PAGE 

Of Rome in its Modern Relations; its Squares, Fountains, Picture- 
Gallcries, Palnccs, etc.; including Short Disquisitions on Art and 
Co-tenancy — Of certain Great Rejoicings going on thereat, and a 
Vision of the Woman of Babylon — Concluding with the Sorrow- 
ful Story of good little Santy Tudwolley 297 

CHAPTER XXrV. 

Relates how we went from the Eternal City to Civita Vecehia by 
Rail, and how we there took Shipping for Marseilles— Of our 
Bark, her interior Economy, and how she was navigated to her 
Port, and the Quality of the Skipper thereof .... 311 

CHAPTER XXV. 

A Brief Mention of the City of Marseilles, and how Hostilities 
broke out between us and the Hotel of Peace — A Cursory View 
of Paris, interspersed with Episodic Observations upon, first, the 
Excellences of the Military Law; and second, the Inconveniences 
of Sunday-Clothes 323 

CHAPTER XXVI. 

How we vrent from Paris to Calais, and how we passed over the 
English Channel with due Observance and landed at Dover — How 
we went to London — A Cursory View of London, with some 
Facts that militate against the Assertion that the English are a 
Nation of Shopkeepers 343 

CHAPTER XXVII. 

How we set out for Liverpool to embark for America, and of the 
agreeable Companion we journeyed with — A few Observations on 
Liverpool — A Glimpse of Ireland, and the Passage Home, with 
an Account of the Principal Passenger and of my Shipwreck, 
and the Conclusion of the Volume ...... 357 



THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 



DOCTOR OF PHYSIO. 



CHAPTER I. 



Shows why and when the Doctor went forth upon his Travels, and 
how he got as far as Cuba — Of the Circumstances of his Disembark- 
ation at the City of Havana, and an Account of the Hotel El 
Telegrafo. 

In the latter part of 1868, a gentleman of Richmond, 
Virginia, with whom I had been traveling in Minnesota, 
during the summer, as physician and companion, pro- 
posed to me to accompany him on a winter tour. He 
was suffering from a pulmonary affection, and he in- 
tended to visit Florida, Cuba, and Southern Europe, in 
the hope of deriving benefit from their milder climates. 
It had long been a darling wish of my heart to see 
Europe, and I had been three or four times on the point 
of having the wish gratified, but lawsuits and marriages 
and other calamities that had befallen friends with wliom 
I had arranged to go, had prevented the execution of the 
design, and at length the war and its consequences 
seemed to have destroyed the chance of it altogether. 

It will readily be believed, therefore, that I embraced 
the opportunity now offered with alacrity. I immedi- 
ately set about making the necessary preparations, — stir- 
ring up my debtors with great sharpness, somewhat 
augmenting the number and importance of my creditors, 
and bidding adieu to mv friends; who, for the most part, 

2 (9) 



10 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

transformed what ought to have been a sorrowful scene 
into one of joy, by ice-cream and oysters, and donations 
of pocket-liandkei'chiefs and chewing-tobacco. Surely, 
nothing can be more soothing than parting from real 
friends. Blessings on mine, for they are among the best 
in the Avorld. They have never failed to facilitate my 
departure, and I hope soon to afford myself the pleasure 
of parting from them again. 

I was without encumbrance of wife or sweetheart or 
children, to be rai.=ing objections and bellowing after me; 
was disfranchised, and so relieved of all solicitude con- 
cerning the welfare of my country; and all my patients, 
in anticipation of the journey, had beoi either killed by 
their diseases or cured by my judicious treatment — except 
a few old chronics, whose only chance for salvation de- 
pended on their never beholding me again. ]n short, I 
was ready to go at once, and in condition to stay just as 
long as it suited the humor of my companion. 

On the first of December, then, we set out, and, lin- 
gering for a time in Florida, finally embarked at Cedar 
Keys, in a little tergiversatory steamer with a hard- 
swearing captain, in which, by slow degrees, we were 
rolled out of the country. On the last night of the trip 
the steamer surpassed herself in churning us up. Bilious 
through and through, I hailed the dawn of the last day 
of 1868 with feelings of supreme delight ; and, rising be- 
fore the sun, found that we were steaming along the- 
Cuban coast. It was just far enough from us to have itself 
clothed in a thin veil of haze, and thus veiled presented 
in the morning light a more picturesque and pleasing 
sight than if it had been altogether unclouded. The 
mountains and hills that rise and loom loftily as the land 
recedes from the sea give it a bold and majestic appear- 
ance, while, at the same time, the eye is refreshed by the 
sight of villages and plantations, which, combined with 
the tropical fertility that marks the country and the air 
of prosperity that, whether imaginary or real, is spread 
over it, endue the prospect with peculiar impressiveness 
and beautj^ 

At half-past seven we stood confronting Morro Castle, 
— having come to a stand-still in obedience to the law of 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. H 

the land, which requires all vessels to stop and undergo 
examination before being allowed to enter the harbor. 
A glorious display of bunting got up by the occupants 
of the castle, which was intended to notify the citizens 
of Havana of our arrival, ensued ; and being found to be 
all right, as far as could be ascertained at this early stage, 
we were permitted to proceed. Passing through the 
narrow throat of the harbor, which is completely com- 
manded by fortifications, we began to sail up the beau- 
tiful bay, cheered by blasts of martial music from the 
castle, in which the ice-horny twang characteristic of 
much of the music of these parts strikingly predomi- 
nated. And now came to us, as we moved along, boat 
after boat, containing all sorts of ofiBcials, demanding all 
sorts of papers and requiring all sorts of information — 
a part of the excellent sj^stem adopted by the Spanish 
government to facilitate commercial intercourse, and 
which causes the haven of Havana to rebellow with the 
blasphemies of tars. 

Spanish officials as a class are dreadfully afraid of 
being overreached, and are especially dubious of Ameri- 
cans — our people having among them a great, though 
not overgood, reputation for the possession of astonish- 
ing acumen. As an instance of their cautiousness, I 
was told that an American company had proposed to the 
government of Xew Grranada to catch all the alligators 
from the Magdalena River gratis, for the sake of their 
hides — these alligators being of an impudent, homicidal 
breed that were continually walking out upon land, wa}^- 
laying and consuming cliildren. But the wise men and 
counselors of New Granada, pondering deeply upon 
the proposition, opined that there was more in these 
hides than met the eye; and considering, further, that 
the fathers and grandfathers of the young people for 
generations had been eaten without any notable incon- 
venience resulting, they declined to accept the offer. 

Scrupulous and punctilious at all times, the Cuban 
authorities were now a hundredfold more vigilant than 
ever, suspecting everybody and everything; for the 
rebellion was raging in the inaccessible depths of the 
island ; some battles had been fought between the loyal- 



12 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

ists and rebels, in which one of the latter was known to 
be killed, and one of the former admitted to be wounded; 
and every nation of the earth was believed to be surrep- 
titiously inching its talons thitherward for their engob- 
blement. 

In addition to the official boats, bumboats — perfect 
little floating shops, with fruits, cigars, etc. for sale — 
also came flocking around ; and boats with the hotel- 
runners, clamorous and pertinacious, with the banners of 
their respective establishments floating gloriously over 
them, pursued us indefatigably. Nothing more than 
verbal communication was allowed to be held with them. 
A bumboatman, inspired by a respect for law as praise- 
worthy as it is rare, even declined to pass a pear up to 
the commander till permission from the authorities should 
be oljtained. The commander refused to ask it with 
amazing warmth, and went without the pear. Presently 
the authorities, for their own behoof, called the boats 
nearer, and got therefrom a most sumptuous repast of 
oranges and bananas and sardines and wine and cigars, 
and thus intercourse to this extent was established. An 
exorbitant number of these officials, enough to watch 
every hole and corner of the ship, were aboard of us. 
They were in the uniform of their order, consisting of a 
Panama hat and long-tailed linen coat with faint blue 
stripes and black cuft'-pieces, and they were men of portly 
presence and good appetite. Their vigilance was excru- 
ciating, and -thoroughly disgusted our officers and crew. 

In about three hours after dropping a final anchor, the 
authorities decided that our four passengers had possibly 
not come there to take the city, and might be allowed to 
land without bringing irretrievable disaster upon the 
body-politic. In the mean time, while they were arriv- 
ing at this conclusion, we employed ourselves in contem- 
plating the scene 

The approach to Havana and the view of it from the 
water is famous the world over for its beauty. The love- 
liness of its situation, the picturesqueness of its buildings 
and their strange kind of architecture, make of it at all 
times a pleasing and interesting sight; while the extreme 
brilliancy of the morning sun under which we now beheld 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 13 

it threw over all a sort of romantic air which enraptured 
the eye and engaged the attention, so that even three 
hours enforced gazing upon it was not altogether intol- 
erable. The harbor is more than two miles in length 
and wide in proportion, being a paragon of harbors for 
commodiousness and safety and beauty; its main draw- 
back being tiiat it does not smell good — so I have been 
told, though candor compels me to say that though I 
have snuffed at it time after time with great care, I have 
not been able to detect this fault. The handiwork of 
man does much to enhance the interest of the scene. 
The ships of every nation on the globe are seen here 
packed in masses at the wharves or scattered singly all 
about the harbor; and as you stand on the deck of your 
vessel and look around the spirit is refreshed by the sight 
of a floating dry-dock, several warehouses, the roof of 
the Tacon Theatre, the opening of the city sewers, an 
orphan asylum, a hospital, the jail, and fortifications of 
divers forms in sundry places. 

Among the boats my companion had descried that 
bearing the banner of the Hotel El Telegrafo, and in it 
the commissioner or interpreter pertaining to that hos- 
telry. The interpreter recognized him simultaneously, or 
rather a little antecedently; and a joyful recognition it 
was, for the interpreter remembered that last year he had 
spent five months in Havana, and a great many dollars 
among the corps of the Telegrafo In this boat we em- 
barked and sailed to the passengers' landing-place under 
the surveillance of a myrmidon of the law. 

On reaching the shore we were subjected to the indig- 
nity of having to open our trunks with our own hands, 
and then of having them heartlessly rummaged before 
our eyes. With feelings of indignation not untinetured 
with trepidation we saw our dirty clothes turned heels 
over head, our paper collars finger-marked, the photo- 
graphs of our beloveds leered at, and my bundle of 
smoking-tobacco punched through and through in many 
places. It was demanded of me whether I had letters 
to any one on the island ; to which I returned a negative 
response. I was also interrogated in Spanish touching 
ray possession of a pistol. Now I had a revolver at that 



14 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

moment in the pocket of my overcoat, which was slung 
over my arm ; but I am a poor, diffident creature, and 
fearing that pistol and revolver might not be transmuta- 
ble terms in Spanish, I was afraid that I might exhibit 
my ignorance by producing one when asked for the other, 
and so responded strictly to the point, disclaiming any 
such ]iossession. No plunder worth taking being found 
in our trunks, they were restored to us, and we were 
then thrust into the clutches of one from whom to escape 
scathless is impossible. 

This is a saucy little functionary, who sits in a cage 
and presides over the incomings and outgoings of way- 
farers, no one being allowed to pass or repass without 
being lightened for the journey. At the first pop he stole 
two dollars apiece from us, and then fastened upon our 
passports ; and all the satisfaction we could get was a 
scrap of trilingual paper called a landing-permit, of which 
I will merely say that if its Spanish and French are as 
awfully execi'able as its English, it should be used as a 
gun-wad for the summary execution of the ungrammatical 
villain who concocted it; — this was all we got for our 
two dollars, except the information that he intended to 
have four dollars more out of each of us before we got 
out of that island. In consideration of these facts, it will 
excite no wonder in any well-balanced mind to be told 
that during our sojourn in Cuba we were rankling with 
rebellion and spent night and day in calling down bene- 
dictions upon the rebel cause. 

Escaping from the custom-house, we were put into a 
vehicle by the interpreter and hurried to the hotel, where 
the entire establishment, from the landlord down to the 
second assistant cook and bottle-washer, in honor to my 
companion, turned out to receive us. Great was the re- 
joicing over us ; we were promised the best apartments 
in the house, — which being, however, at that time in 
occupation, we were temporarily put into one of the 
worst ; water, soap, and towels were dealt out in profu- 
sion ; and in due course, renewed, regenerated, and dis- 
enthralled, we were taking our ease in our inn. 

The Hotel El Telegrafo is situated in the extra-mural 
portion of the city, opposite the parade-ground; so that 



OF A DOCTOR 'OF PHYSIC. 15 

the eyes of its guests can be gladdened by the sight of 
the process of developing the inchoate son of Mars into 
a perfect man of war; and is hard by the Havana Rail- 
road depot ; so that their ears can be easily split by the 
everlasting bowlings that burst from the whistles of the 
locomotives congregated there — for surely no railroad in 
all the world doing a like amount of business, nay, doing 
a hundred times as much, makes a fuss comparable to 
theirs. Their locomotives are American built, provided 
with whistles the most disastrous to the auditory appa- 
ratus that science has hitherto devised, and they begin 
to shriek hours before daybreak, which they steadily con- 
tinue in long, loud, and tremendous blasts till the time 
arrives to begin again next morning. Could the rebels 
have captured this railroad and rooted it up it ought to 
have been a matter for general gratulation, for it is diffi- 
cult to understand how any real peace can exist while it 
survives. The hotel is under the dominion of Don Juan 
Miguel Castaneda, a venerable old fellow, the soul of 
courtesy — unhappily ignorant of English, but who walks 
about equipped with an interpreter and looks after the 
comfort of his patrons ; — and woe be to any domestic 
complained of to Don Juan, for he is incontinently seized 
and cast out with wrath and violence. Under his man- 
agement the Telegrafo has got to be esteemed as perhaps 
the best hotel in Havana. It is kept clean — a thing much 
to be desired and something rare in Spanish countries. 
Bedbugs are slain wherever caught, and, marvelous to 
tell, no flea dared molest us during our stay. The intel- 
lect even of our era of enormous mental energy has failed 
to evolve an}^ more reliable device against mosquitoes than 
the netting used by the fathers, which enables us in our 
agony to substitute suffocation for venesection — this is 
liberally provided by Don Juan, and hence it must be 
admitted that he has done his duty in this particular also, 
so that it is by no connivance of his that they sometimes 
make his house too hot to hold its inmates. 

The chambermaids in this hotel are all of the mascu- 
line gender. The one presiding over our apartment was 
a lean African youth of Cimmerian darkness, very atten- 
tive and sociable, and seemingly of rebel proclivities in 



16 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

politics, from the zest with which he would shout out vioas 
of Cuban itidopendenee in a low voice when he deemed 
no loyal ear was listening. His name was either Benito 
or Bonito, — a distinction involving a notable difference; 
the former signifying Benedict, and consequently being a 
very judicious and tasty prenomen, while the latter is 
the Spanish synonym for pretty, and in the present 
instance could not be applied without arousing in the 
mind of the recipient, if he possessed a spark of sensi- 
bility, the most poignant realization of unworthiness. 
Being myself somewhat fastidious in philological mat- 
ters, I considered the subject, and, concluding that Benito 
was the true appellation, adopted it in my communica- 
tions with him. My companion, however, who cared 
not a straw for the niceties of language, but concerned 
himself only with the aesthetics of elocution, always 
called him Bonito (or more strictly Bone-eater), this 
being susceptible of a more emphatic cadence, and so 
better fitted for exclamatory pronunciation than the other 
form. Benito was filled with a laudal)Ie thirst for knowl- 
edge, aspiring to proficiency in the English tongue be- 
cause of a burning desire to get to the United States, — 
the great impulse driving him to make this hegira, 
according to his own declaration, being an unquenchable 
longing to exercise the elective franchise. His aspiration 
was encouraged by various guests, who taught him a 
great many English words, which he learned readily, for 
he had an eminent genius for philology. But his teachers 
were mostly of a facetious order of intellect, and, ignor- 
ing the refinements of the language, stored him with ex- 
tremely plain Anglo-Saxon words and idioms, so that I 
fear me mightily that when he comes to our land and 
begins conversation upon the model set him by his 
instructors he will serve to point the apologue of the 
boys and frogs, realizing that what was sport to them is 
death to him. 

In Havana the custom is for two meals a day — break- 
fast between nine and ten, dinner from four to six. On 
rising in the morning the hotel bestows upon you gratis 
a cup of coffee ; at night you can obtain a cup of excel- 
lent chocolate, for which you will be charged, unless you 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. ■ ^ 

swear that you won't pay for it, when Don Juan will 
gracefully strike it from the bill. Between meals raven- 
ous people sit down to a foi'mal lunch; all the lady- 
boarders do this — the abstemious content themselves 
with an orange, or banana, or a slice of pineapple, these 
fruits being kept always set forth in the office for the 
public accommodation, where can also be found a chunk 
of charcoal glowing in a silver-plated fire-dish, for the 
benefit of smokers. The bill of fare is as lengthy and 
variegated as any gourmand need wish, but the style of 
cookery is rather disappointing. To get vegetables you 
must be content to have them fished out of an olla, which 
is a conglomerate boil of almost every culinary element 
in the animal and vegetable kingdoms, from sausage to 
cabbage. The dessert is simple, consisting generally of 
fi'uit-jellies, though sometimes you will be furnished with 
cakes which are radically defective in what constitutes 
cake according to our views of the structure of cakes, and 
with a kind of soapsuds pudding which will cause you 
to mourn over the misuse of the good things of this 
world, and possibly make you overflow with bile. Good 
table-wine is provided at every meal, and at the end of 
it you can have your coffee. Now, in common with the 
generalit}^ of my countrymen, I like when breakfasting 
to drink my coffee j^ari passu with the mastication of my 
food ; but the waiter never succeeded in thoroughly com- 
prehending and conforming to this anomaly, and every 
morning it required a new and reiterated expression of 
my desire to have it respected and obeyed. In justice to 
Don Juan's cooks, it is but fair to add that the appetite 
is so demoralized by the fierce heat of Havana that the 
eater may be easily led to blame his provender when he 
should rather denounce his recreant stomach and liver. 



18 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 



CHAPTER II. 

Exhibits some of the Characteristics of the City of Havana. 

Though it does not cover an inordinate amount of 
ground, Havana is large in point of population, which 
numbers near two hundred thousand. A wall of ponder- 
ous stones, begun more than two hundred years ago and 
a hundred years in building, now brolcen down in many 
places and going to decay, divides the city into two parts, 
called respectively the Old City and the New. The former, 
which borders the bay and is the great business quarter, 
is a crowded, compactly built, dismal assemblage of 
houses, permeated by streets narrower than many of the 
alleys in other cities, which cross at right angles, and 
from which ascends an aroma of villanous pungency. 
After looking and smelling around here no one will be 
surprised that yellow-fever and cholera make terrible 
ravages among the Habaneros. There is the merest 
apology for a sidewalk, and, as the streets are generally 
thronged with passengers and vehicles, pedestrianism is 
not pleasant. Owing, however, to the urbane willing- 
ness of the people to walk in the middle of the street, 
collisions are not frequent, between passengers, at least; 
though between passengers and vehicles they are com- 
mon enough. In a heavy shower the water rolls down 
these narrow thoroughfares in a sluice, and dogs, babies, 
and the infirm must get within-doors or be washed away. 

The stores, which are very numerous in this quarter, 
are for the most part sad-looking, disheartening strong- 
holds, with iron gratings over the windows ; but they 
are well supplied with goods of every description; and 
so accommodating are the shopkee[)ers, and at the same 
time such able financiers, that they can sell their mer- 
chandise below cost and still realize a handsome profit. 
Coffee-houses and cigar-stands abound here, and, indeed, 
are superabundant in every part of the city. Almost 



OF A DOCTOR OF FHYSIO. 19 

every establishment in Havana dependent upon the 
public patronage solicits it through the medium of some 
figurative epithet emblazoned on its sign. Thus " The 
Nymphs" is a dry-goods store; "The Industry" deals 
in hardware and perfumery; and at "The Elegance" 
you can obtain old barrels and trash in heterogeneous 
variety. Some of them are hallowed by scriptural ap- 
pellations; for instance, I noted "The Resurrection 
CoflFee-house," "The I Am Saloon," and "The Immacu- 
late Conception College for Young Ladies." 

In the New City the streets are generally much wider, 
and the aspect of affairs more lively. This quarter is, 
however, somewhat hotter than the Old City, from whose 
streets much of the glare of the sun is kept by the ap- 
proximation of the houses. But, on the other hand, it 
is quieter, far better ventilated, and decidedly less high- 
scented. Stores are numerous here, too, and cheek-by- 
jole with private residences. Indeed, the commingling 
of shops and dwellings is the rule all over Havana. 
There is no fashionable quarter, and it is impossible to 
judge of one's ton by the locality in which he resides. 
The style of architecture is striking. The prevailing 
taste is for a building of two stories, very seldom three, 
and often only one in height, with walls of amazing 
thickness, doors massive and studded with big-headed 
bolts, windows with iron gratings of the most substantial 
pattern, and the whole concern apparently got up ex- 
pressly to laugh a siege to scorn. The houses are gen- 
erally large, plain, and hard-looking even to meanness, 
giving the town a rather depressing air of antiquity. 
The roof is flat, and frequentlv adorned with battlements 
and with ornaments of the minaret or ten-pin species — 
the otKcinal designation of which I am not in a position 
to determine. Over the outer walls is plastered an elab- 
orate coating of stucco, which is daubed with vast flakes 
of yellow and blue paint or whitewash — commemorative, 
I suppose, of the gold and azure wherein their old friends 
the Moors took such rare delight. The street fronts of 
many of the houses are constructed with arcades, or 
covered ways, — a thrice-blessed architectural device, for 
it enables one to promenade the highways to a consider- 



20 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

able extent protected from the rays of the sun, which is 
a matter of the primest importance in this incandescent 
ch'mate. The proprietor deems it no derogation from 
the dignity of his mansion to rent out the lower part for 
shops; and if he owns a horse, the noljle animal is pro- 
vided with apartments in the dwelling along with the 
rest of the family. There is generally a court inclosed 
by the building, which is set off by shrubbery, and 
around it runs line upon line of corridors up to the roof, 
which itself forms a commodious area for drying clothes. 
To keep cool seems to be a cardinal aim with the inhab- 
itants, and in constructing their dwellings everything is 
subordinated to it except the equally strong disposition 
which every man has to make his house truly his castle. 
Window-glass is eschewed to a great extent, the floors 
are tiled, and every means is employed to cajole the 
breezes to play about the habitation. The combined 
result of these two motives is that a Havana house may 
be a very ungainly structure to behold, but yet one of 
the most agreeable to abide in. To the longing for re- 
frigeration is sacrificed some of the delicate desire for 
privacy which characterizes the dwellers in temperate 
climes, so that in many residences the interior of the 
apartments, bed-chambers inclusive, is left perfectly 
patent to the public gaze; and many a time in my 
nightly wanderings have I been privileged, poor, igno- 
rant bachelor that I am, to get an inkling of the mysteries 
of love-making, and had my soul refreshed with glimpses 
of domestic joys by beholding, to use the words of an 
old bard who was a great favorite of mine in my earlier 
years,— 

"The neat little girl a-inending of her clothes, 

And the good little boy a-reading of his book." 

For the recuperation of the parboiled citizens there are 
two or three parks. In the Old City there is the Plaza 
de Armas, fronting the captain-general's palace — shad}^, 
but small and rather strongly flavored; having stone 
benches, which are much used as beds by the weary 
loafers belonging to this quarter. 

In the New City there is a very fine park, called, till 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 21 

within these latter days, the park of Isabella II., from a 
statue of that unlucky potentate which adorned it. But 
one of the tirst acts of Captain-General Dulce after his 
landing being to stretch forth his hand and jerk her 
Majesty up by the roots, it was during my stay in 
Havana anonymous. The statue was a sweet effigy, 
with a benignant countenance, into which I used to gaze 
with a continuous benevolent grin and an occasional 
\\m\ of respectful admiration ; and it was: with some- 
thing of a love-lorn feeling that I passed by one morning 
and beheld the tracks of the cart-wheels that had borne 
the old lady away in the silent watches of the night to 
the lumber-house. I inquired diligently concerning the 
disposition made of her, but whether she had been pre- 
served intact or been ungallantly ground up into fertilizer 
I could by no means ascertain. Notwithstanding its 
bereavement of its statue, a number of fountains, par- 
terres, and shade-trees, with iron benches under them, 
suffice to make it a most pleasant resort ; and every even- 
ing it is thronged with the Habaneros, who come to enjoy 
the agreeable promenade it affords and to listen to the 
music of the military bands. For their accommodation 
a public-spirited individual keeps here a multitude of 
chairs, which he lets at tive cents the sit; and seated 
upon one of them I have again and again solemnly spec- 
ulated upon the length of time it would take an enter- 
prise of this sort among us to become bankrupt, — allow- 
ing, as seems not unreasonable, that the proprietor would 
incur a deficit of two-thirds of his legitimate revenues 
nightly by clandestine occupation on the part of his 
white fellow-citizens, and that in about a week his whole 
stock would be transmuted into firewood by the men-and- 
brethren. I loved to linger there in those balmy even- 
ings, where I could sit by the side of the lovely senoritas, 
and though debarred from converse with them could yet 
listen to the sweet flow of their beautiful language and 
to the fascinating crunches of their little teeth upon the 
peanuts and sugar-candy, which they come down upon 
with powerful gusto. 

As it is too warm to walk with comfort, except in the 
morning and evening, and as the accommodations for 

3 



22 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

pede.strians are rather of the worst, the custom of riding 
is almost universal. Accordingly, there is an infinite 
number of vehicles, which carry passengers about the 
city at a very cheap rate. They are usually drawn by 
a little horse of the Cuban breed, which, possessing the 
same unhappy tendency to immortality that distinguishes 
our mules, is driven without mercy to the bitter end, 
which generally comes to him in the bull-ring, where he 
is at the last sent to participate in the fight and die the 
death of a hero. The coachmen themselves are identical 
with those who scourge all the other cities of the earth, — 
defiers of all laws, human and divine, which they either 
break to flinders outright, or else hideously warp, to the 
serious loss and excessive fermentment of their helpless 
victim. 

One class of these vehicles is peculiar, and is certainly 
a sight most rare and curious to see ; it is the volante. 
To obtain a realization of a volante, take the body of a 
one-horse chaise, beat on it, stamp on it, and pound down 
on it with rocks and paddles till it is flattened to one-half 
of its primal height; next attach to it a pair of shafts 
three times as long at least as any which the most daring 
intellect among our coach-makers would not shudder to 
imagine ; and then clap on a pair of the largest-sized 
wheels that can be got for love or money, letting them 
stick out well to the rear; at the extreme terminus of the 
shafts hitch your animal ; if you can afford the expense, 
have another animal hitched outside the shafts; and on 
this one, or, if merciless necessity forbid the team, then 
on the single one, perch a darkey rigged in boots most 
gloriously bedaubed with silver-plated medallions and 
curlycues, and so fearfully and wonderfully made that 
their tops can readily carry three days' rations — and you 
will have a critically correct reproduction of the aristo- 
cratic turn-out of Havana. Ensconced in this you 
bounce pleasantly hither and thither like a trap-ball, and 
can, na}^, must in the narrower streets, go straight 
ahead, for to turn a corner is with them one of the most 
delicate of manipulations, unless they have all out-doors 
to do it in. This is the style in which the ladies love to 
go when they do their shopping, and such is the venera- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 23 

tion in which these wonderful contrivances are held that 
their owners will not degrade them by putting- them in 
a stable or coat^h-house, but keep them ostentatiously 
displayed in their front parlors. 

A walk through the streets of Havana furnishes one 
with a good many objects of interest. There is some- 
thing of excitement in it, too ; for the break-neck velocity 
with which the vehicles are driven along these narrow 
ways forces the pedestrian to exercise the discernment 
of the hawk and the agility of the antelope to keep from 
under their wheels. The drivers are perfectly reckless, 
and I am convinced that their recklessness is strongly 
tinctured with malice prepense. I verily believe that 
they strive to run over the foot-passengers ; and in my 
own case — may confusion confound them for it! — they 
succeeded. On the very day of my arrival I was cast 
down and wellnigh destroyed by a volante which bore 
down upon me with the utmost wrath and violence while 
I was standing on a corner with my whole heart and 
soul absorbed in the attempt to decipher a theatre bill. 
My stock of Spauish objurgations was at that period 
limited to one which I had picked up on my way over 
from Florida, of so appalling a character that, as I after- 
wards learned, no decent person would have uttered it for 
the world. This objurgation I hurled at the driver with 
all my strength, whereat he laughed derisively and went 
thundering on. 

In the streets you will see multitudes of venders of 
multifarious articles, many of them conveying their 
wares in immense hampers slung over the backs of 
horses. The kind and quality of their commodities they 
announce in syllables of dolor lengthily yelled forth of 
the saddest and most lugubrious cast. From them can 
be procured everything required to supply the daily 
wants of a family, — fruits, chickens, eggs, and sugar- 
cane — which last article is sucked in enormous quantities 
by the citizens. You will also very likely meet with 
large droves of cows, accompanied by their calves, com- 
ing into town to be milked at the doors of their patrons — 
a plan worthy of all commendation and imitation, since 
it allows every consumer to water his milk to suit his 



24 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

own taste. Another thing that you will be sui*e to see, 
is a long string of horses advancing towards you over- 
whelmed and almost hidden in extraordinarily volumin- 
ous loads of green fodder, giving you a capital idea of 
how Birnam wood came to Dunsinane; and you will 
furthermore see a good many clumsy carts drawn by 
oxen, which will afford you the opportunity of comparing 
the Cuban method of applying ox-power with ours — their 
method being to gear the ox so that he pushes with his 
forehead instead of pulling with his shoulders as with us, 
and is said to be much the more consonant with the ox's 
own views on this important matter; while any tardiness 
of locomotion is forestalled by a substantial stick with a 
sharp nail in the end of it, which is poked into him with 
all the fervency and zeal which is uniformly displayed by 
folks hereabouts when operating on the feelings of their 
fellow-creatures. You will also be able to realize the 
immense business that is done in the sale of lottery- 
tickets. A great many persons gain their livelihood 
exclusively by peddling these tickets, and you will en- 
counter tliem everywhere, equipped with great sheets of 
tickets and a pair of shears, ready to snip off as many as 
you want 

Lastly, in the survey of the streets, here, there, and 
everywhere you will be assailed by beggars till you are 
constrained to believe that if the number of persons en- 
gaged in a pursuit furnishes any indication of its pros- 
perousness, mendicancy is one of the most lucrative and 
desirable avocations that can be followed in Havana. 

Along these highways there floAvs a continuous tide 
of people with complexions of milk-and-cider mixed in 
various ]iroportions ; every one, with scarcely an excep- 
tion, smoking a cigar or cigarette, and dressed in costume 
to suit the climate. Some go in their shirt-tails, and 
some few without any shirt at all. The ladies' dresses I 
cannot undertake to describe, being but poorly versed in 
the technology of the subject, but I observed that they 
were furnished with the most portentous trails, which 
sweep the streets efliectively as they amble along ; and I 
have often chuckled most self-satisfactorily as I beheld 
them raking up the hundreds of old cigar-stumps that 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIO. 25 

strew the path, to think I was not a husband or a 
father compelled to equip them with dry-goods for this 
purpose. With the most deprecatory deference I would 
add, after having seen the ladies of Spain, that in my 
humble judgment the Havana fair ones are demoralized 
both in dress and looks below the standard of their trans- 
Atlantic fellow-countrywomen — which, however, I hasten 
to attribute to the malefic influences exerted upon them 
by proximity to the United States. On the other hand, 
by the benefic influences from the same quarter they are 
moralized in comportment far above them — no winks, 
blinks, or grins being bestowed upon strange gentlemen 
out-of-doors (at least, none were bestowed upon me) by 
a lady of Havana. As far as I could discover — and as 
a traveler after information I felt it to be my duty to 
exhaust all reasonable means, such as staring at them till 
they blushed, and the like, to ascertain the fact — their 
discretion in public would not shame that of a daughter 
of the Puritans under the same circumstances. 

As for the male element of the population, I think the 
same influences that have operated against the appear- 
ance and improved the morals of the ladies have injured 
the manners of the other sex. They do not exhibit alto- 
gether as much of that lofty courtesy which distinguishes 
the gentlemen of Spain. Nevertheless, they are ex- 
tremely polite, offering you anything in their possession 
that you happen to express an admiration for. I know 
of no quicker mode for a strict-constructionist to acquire 
a fortune than by circulating among them, praising their 
property, and taking them at their word. They cherish 
many of the other traits that mark the fatherland. They 
have the national tendency to procrastination, manana 
(to-morrow) being a word that the stranger soon learns 
from the everlasting repetition of it. They are the same 
rigorous believers in the power of the via medicatrix 
naiurse, by which the hides of men and beasts are in 
their judgment enabled to withstand an unlimited amount 
of pounding; and it would be hard to say whether father 
or son is the more expert in passing oft' counterfeit money. 
Among the trading portion of the community there is a 
profound knowledge of the subtleties of prevarication. 

3* 



26 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

I was assured by one who knew them well, and my own 
experience bears out the assurance, that in dealing with 
them the only way to get your rights is to outlie them ; 
if you are a mediocre liar, or, worst of all, if you are a 
plain sticker to the truth, you have no resource but in 
their mercy, and their stock of this is small and of poor 
quality. 

Their mode of life in Havana is to stew all day and 
cool off in the evening by riding or promenading in the 
parks, or collecting together in the coffee-houses to drench 
themselves with iced drinks; and as there are no reading- 
rooms, no Young Men's Christian Associations, and, in 
fact, scarcely any place at which to spend an evening 
except the coffee-houses and theatres, these institutions 
are enormously patronized. The coffee-houses are the 
great rendezvous for acquaintances and cities of refuge 
for married men. The people of Havana smoke as 
incessantly as Vesuvius, every man, many a woman, 
and nearly every child being a votary of the weed. 
Their conversation — that of the lower orders, at any 
rate — is full of strange oaths, some of them awful to 
think of, and it is the universal habit when it is wished 
to attract any one's attention, instead of calling out like 
a Christian, to hiss like a goose. 

The most active phase of Havana life, perhaps, is to 
be viewed in the markets and on the wharf; in other 
places and under other circumstances the people appear 
more or less listless, their energy being vaporized out of 
them by the heat. There was a market-house or bazaar 
— and a very substantial and commodious structure it 
was — back of our hotel, in which I vvas fond of loung- 
ing in order to be refreshed by the bustle prevailing 
there. There was a spacious court inclosed in a quad- 
rangular range of little shops, where all manner of com- 
modities were offered for sale, and in which hat- and 
shoe-making and other manufacturing pursuits were car- 
ried on in all their branches. It pleased me to stand by 
and contemplate a brother bachelor reasoning with the 
fire of a Demosthenes for a reduction in the price of a 
chicken-leg, — a chicken is sold both by wholesale and 
retail here, — or to observe a father making the family 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 2t 

marketing- as he bore away his beans, his lottery- tickets, 
liis calendar of saints'-days and drawing-days, his fine- 
tooth comb, and his fish — all wrapped up in a pocket- 
handkerchief. 

On the wharf it is brisk indeed. It could not be 
otherwise, for mariners are a fearfully exacting- people, 
and whoever has to work at their behest must do it with 
all his heart and soul and strength, under penalty, in case 
of default in the least degree, of being cursed out of his 
wits, and possibly of being knocked on the head in the 
bargain. To economize space, the vessels are moored 
with their bows to the wharf, where they lie packed in 
crowds. Merchandise of every description is strewed 
around, and the shouting of the captains and the grunt- 
ing of the stevedores give special animation to the scene. 
It is recorded by Mr. Knickerbocker, the historian, that 
the early Dutch settlers of the New Netherlands were 
wont to import tiles from Holland. In my investigations 
about here I discovered that the people of Havana also 
import tiles. Why they do it I did not ascertain, though 
I am very sure it is not for lack of dirt to make them 
with. 

To conserve the peace of the city they have a body of 
police armed with cutlasses. These are rather ferocious 
in look, but fortunately, perhaps, for the welfare of the 
public are of somnolent tendencies and pass a good part 
of their time in nodding. As a rule, in making an arrest 
their duty is held not to be fully discharged without a 
few whacks with the cutlass ; but they use the flat of it, 
and, provided the malefactor evinces an aptitude for the 
reception of wholesome correction by jumping around 
and bellowing, he may chance to get to the bar of justice 
unscathed, except by a thorough good paddling. If, how- 
ever, he show himself sullen and insensitive, the}^ try the 
edge on him. 

As a Southerner, I was naturally interested in noting 
the condition of the negroes here. It appeared to me 
that they were treated remarkably well. Before I visited 
Cuba it was my impression — and doubtless it is that of 
many Americans — that they were subjected to great hard- 
ships and even cruelties ; but, as far as I could learn 



28 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

fi'om observation and inquiry, such was not the case. It 
was even the reverse. They had a great many privileges 
— some of them very valuable ones — secured by law ; 
more than were granted to the slaves in our Southern 
States. I know that they walked about unjostled and 
undisturbed, enjoying unquestioned equally with the 
whites the right to walk in the middle of the streets 
and to get run over by carriages. The fact is, the divid- 
ing line V)etween white and black on this island is not 
always to be easily drawn, and the races are conse- 
quently placed nearer on an equality than they can prac- 
tically be with us. As a natural result, the negroes are 
happy and contented, and will probably remain so till 
some philanthropist comes along and gives them the fatal 
information that they have "rights." 

The negro men are robust, hearty-looking fellows, and 
many of the women are positively elephantine with fat; 
and it is one of the common and striking sights of Ha- 
vana to see one of these expansive African matrons 
floundering along the highways with a long-nine stuck 
in her mouth and rigged out in the height of fashion, 
with a broad scarf drifting from her shoulders, and a 
trail whose length has been adjusted in liberal proportion 
with her own width. It is said that this sublime fatness 
is due partly to the nourishing juices imbibed in the suc- 
tion of sugar-cane, but in a far greater degree to the 
nutrient virtues of dirt-casing, — in proof of which it is 
affirmed that if the subjects are scoured they dwindle 
visibly, and if the operation is persisted in they finally 
perish from a general wasting away. But the most 
wonderful thing about the colored persons is to hear 
them speak Spanish. I am aware that travelers before 
me have marveled to hear the children in France dis- 
coursing French so glibly. This is doubtless extremely 
curious ; but to hear a nigger talk Spanish — ah ! it is 
overwhelming ! 

The 6th of January is an anniversary pregnant with 
joy to every colored soul, for on that day they are tem- 
porarily emancipated; and the result is as if the powers 
of darkness were all turned loose and the city of Havana 
is upheaved from its foundations. The day is celebrated 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 29 

firstly as a festival of the church, and secondly to com- 
memorate the overthrow of a mighty African potentate 
who, as tradition hath it, did long: syne lord it abomina- 
bly over his virtuous and unoffending^ subjects. Early in 
the morning, in taking my accustomed airing, I was driven 
by a shower for shelter into the portico of the Tacon The- 
atre. Immediately there came upon me a great band 
of the emancipated, and hemming me in they forthwith 
struck up one of the national airs of Guinea, with an 
instrumental accompaniment upon appliances which I 
had never known before employed to aid the cadences 
of music's glorious swell. There were horse- hair fiddles 
and shoe-string bows, sugar-cane fifes, drums made of 
hollow logs, and an anonymous instrument formed by 
inclosing pieces of demolished cups and saucers in a 
shot-bag — the whole reinforced by the ice-horny bugles 
of their adopted country. The effect of this combination 
was indescribably grand. Never hitherto had I fully 
realized the power of a harmony of discords. I began 
to think I was running crazy. An ingenious idea struck 
me. I at once began to distribute five-cent pieces liber- 
ally, and so precipitated matters, bringing out the worst 
they could inflict and hurrying it to a crisis; and after 
enduring ten minutes of inexpressible auditory agony I 
was allowed to depart. They and their compatriots 
spent the rest of the day in constant repetitions of these 
scenes, waylaying and surrounding unhappy passengers 
in the streets, and dazing them into yielding up their last 
real, or laying siege to the hotels and harrowing the 
money out of the pockets of the guests collected in the 
balconies. Banding together in orchestras, with the like 
rare instruments to those which I have specified, men 
and women, with countenances adorned with a handful 
or two of flour, and rallying round a leader all gloriously 
bedight with feathers and skins of varmints, voyaged 
hither and thither through the town, stopping at every 
propitious spot to chant the songs and perform the dances 
of their fatherland — giving a woful revelation of human- 
ity when unregenerated by the right of suffrage. Some 
of them of graver demeanor went about singly, distrib- 
uting printed papers containing high-strung poetical 



30 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

laudations of their excellent qualities, for which a pecu- 
niary recognition was expected; and others, musical, but 
respecta):)le and segregate, walked into the stores with 
bugles and without ado blew so wild and hope-destroying 
a blast that the inmates wailed forth a beseeching goose- 
hiss with one accord and cried their mercy with a 
donative. 

Their extravagances on these occasions are endured 
with great loving-kindness and patience by the citizens, 
but overmuch joy at times brings some of them within 
purview of the cutlasses of the police ; and on the night 
of this day I beheld the counterfeit presentment of some 
puissant Ethiopian original, clad in a royal robe of red 
and with an ample ruff of turkey feathers round his 
neck, puffed up into the insanity of arguing a point of 
municipal law with one of the custodians. In deference 
to the day, iiowever, the custodian was magnanimous, 
and merely gave him a thump in the back which would 
have dislocated the spine of any other than an African 
magnate, and bade him go home, instead of paddling him 
off to the calaboose, as he would have done under any 
less genial circumstances. 

In return for the beneficent treatment they experience, 
the colored people do the citizens a good service by gath- 
ering up the cigar-stumps that might else breed a pesti- 
lence, and drying, powdering, and consuming them in the 
shape of cigarettes. 

It is generally known that the Coolies form a respect- 
able element in the servile population of Cuba. They 
are prett}^ plentiful in Havana. I studied them with 
considerable interest, and, as the question of Chinese 
labor has become one of some moment in our own coun- 
try, I will briefly sum up my observations made upon 
them in that city. I found them to be a quiet, unob- 
trusive people, attending to their own business and med- 
dling with nobody else's concerns, walking along the 
streets with their shirt-tails clean out of their breeches 
and with their eyes cast down, seemingly profoundly 
pondering upon what they are engaged in at the time, 
and maintaining an eagle watch for cigar-stumps, in lust 
of which they rival them of Africa. Best of all, they 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIYSFC. 31 

abound in the rare and inestimable trait in the character 
of a servant, unselfish desire to please the master — hang- 
ing themselves promptly as soon as they cease to give 
satisfaction. 



CHAPTER III. 

AVhich is Recreational, Ecclesiastical, Sepulchral, and Meteorological. 

I HOPE the reader will steadfastly keep in mind the 
fact that when I travel it is for information. By remem- 
bering this he can creditably account for some of my 
proceedings that might otherwise bear a sinister inter- 
pretation. It was this motive that induced me to attend 
a bull-fight, — not from any approbation of bull-fights joer 
se, but because I could not feel that my thirst for knowl- 
edge was adequately slaked till I had seen so pronounced 
a feature of the Spanish civilization. Thanks to the 
humanizing influences of our own Christian country, 
where a purer public sentiment has substituted man- 
fights for bull- fights, the better class of the people of 
Havana have come to discountenance the national sport, 
and it is esteemed rather discreditable to be seen at the 
exhibition. The lower orders, however, still enjoy it with 
all the zest of the natives of Spain. 

It took place on a Sunda}^, which is the sensational 
day ; bull-fights, cock-fights, operas, and, in fine, all the 
best things coming off on Sunday — by which and the 
raising of flags the Sabbath is almost solely reverenced 
and distinguished from the other six days of the week ; 
for as to shutting up shop, abstaining from secular pur- 
suits, and turning the thoughts heavenward upon the 
day of rest, it is not the fashion. The announcement 
stated that "six famous bulls, Yankees and natives of 
the country," would fight in honor of the volunteers; 
and the management went on to declare that " it would 
be ungrateful if it did not say, in view of the legitimate 
rights proclaimed in this noble land, Viva Eapova! Viva 



32 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

Cuba! Glory to -General Dulce!'' — a sort of patriotic 
outburst then dreadfully common, and figuring on every 
printed thing, from the theatre-bills to an advertisement 
of a corn-plaster. 

My companion, myself, and a general of the armies of 
the Union, who was a guest with us at the hotel, went 
together to the Plaza de Toros, where was a large and 
appreciative audience collected to see the fight, among 
whom were nearl}^ all the Americans in Havana. Three 
or four ladies were also present, who, to their honor be 
it recorded, were soon made sick at the stomach and had 
to be carried off. The remainder of the assembly was 
composed mainly of riffraff', inclusive of several of the 
heroic volunteers, who were very likely dead-heads, and 
flitted around with their guns slinging about, capped and 
on the half-cock. According to the published programme, 
Captain-General Dulce had promised to honor the occa- 
sion with his presence, and on his appearance the band 
was to burst out with the great national hymn of Riego, 
but he failed to turn up In default of him, therefore, 
we feasted our eyes on the president of the bull-ring, a 
respectable-looking, dignified old wretch, who sat in state 
on his throne, and whose word was la"w. 

The Plaza de Toros is a large amphitheatre, with a 
fine arena and tiers of seats admirably arranged for see- 
ing. It has no roof, and hence the prices of admission 
are graded according as you sit on the shady or the 
sunny side, being one dollar for the former and sixty 
cents for the latter. There is also a kind of boxes, which 
are choice places and put at a still higher rate. Finding 
these very commodious, we usurped and ensconced our- 
selves in one of them, although we had taken only dollar 
tickets, and occupied ourselves in scanning and criticising 
the audience while waiting for the entertainment to 
begin. 

The mode of conducting the performance is about as 
follows: First, there is a tremendous smash of melody 
by the band, and while it is riving the ears in sunder the 
offensive division of the dramatis 2:>ersonse, consisting of 
villainous-featured men and sorry and sorrowful-looking 
steeds, enter the arena and perambulate about it to ex- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 33 

hibit their g'ood points — forming as damnable a cortege 
as needs to be beheld ; the matador, or murderer, avail- 
ing himself of the occasion to appear before his worship 
the president of the bull-ring and with the most stately 
obsequiousness make annunciation to him of the doughty 
deeds he means to do; the which his worship bids him 
go and do in gracious phrase, and, presenting him with 
a sword, dismisses him with a benediction; whereupon 
the serio-comical cortege files out. Presently there is a 
blare of a trumpet, and in a bull comes plunging. He 
goes rearing and rampinir around, and is excited to deeds 
of daring l>y colored cloths continually flaunted into his 
eyes. It affords some sport to see him chase the banner- 
men ; but they easily evade him by getting behind the 
barriers arranged for their protection, and they succor 
one another by attracting his attention in a new direc- 
tion by a flirt or two, for he is green enough to allow 
himself to be diverted from his object in this way. Two 
or three horses, whose days of usefulness as beasts of 
burden or of draught have passed away, are now ridden 
blindfolded into the arena — the aim of their riders being 
to place them where they can be most commodiously 
tossed and gored by the bull. And now one of these 
unfortunate creatures has his bowels jerked out of him 
with tremendous applause. This is the fun of the thing. 
In general, the poor horse shows very little emotion. 
Doubtless, compared with what he has undergone during 
his lifelong vassalage to the coachmen of this town, a 
rake with a bull's horn is but a gentle titillation. He 
knows that " peace waits him on the shores of Acheron," 
and thither he departs without unnecessary comment. 
In order to stimulate the bull to put forth more deter- 
mined efforts, a man goes in front of him and by a dex- 
terous movement inserts a long dart covered with pieces 
of colored paper into each shoulder. Six of these darts 
are planted in him before he is done with ; and when 
extra stimulation is required, the darts have fireworks 
attached to them, which, fizzing and exploding around 
the bull's head, drive him raving distracted. Great is 
now the havoc among the horses, and proportionately 
great is the applause among the enraptured spectators. 

4 



34 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

The last scene is a single combat between the matador 
and the bnlj, in which the man, armed with his SAVord, 
essays to kill the animal. Equipped with a colored 
cloth, the matador draws the bull towards him by waving 
it in his face, and as he rushes the man nimbly moves 
aside and at the same time aims the point of the weapon 
at the vulnerable spot where the head and body unite. 
His miss-licks excite manifestations of supreme contempt 
from the assembly, but the successful blow is hailed with 
deafening acclamations, and the remains of his antag- 
onist are ignominiously dragged off by a pair of gaudily- 
bedizened mules to the sound of triumphal music and 
sold for butcher's meat. 

At our own entertainment, where " six famous bulls, 
Yankees and natives," figured, one fought indifferently, 
two well, and two very well, while one, who was of the 
Falstaffian breed that esteems discretion to be the better 
part of valor, would not fight at all. This one was 
dragged and beat and kicked out laden with the con- 
tempt and scorn of an outraged people, and, having 
saved his pusillanimous beef, no doubt lives to this day, 
an object of contumely and derision to all high-toned 
bull- fighters. An old rebel-gray-colored bull performed 
prodigies of valor, and from the way in which he upset 
his assailants I had great hopes of seeing the final de- 
parture of some of them from amongst us; but, like the 
brave fellows whose uniform he wore, the superior 
resources of his enemies were too much for him, and he 
had to succumb. In especial he uplifted and utterly over- 
threw one of the devils on horseback, and, having him 
fixed under the prostrate horse, he did poke him about 
and stir him up right merrily till his countenance did 
pale with dismay, and this for a long time despite the 
furious flaunting of all the banners. He also disarmed 
and put to flight the matador, who preserved his vitality 
only by the desperate expedient of falling flat before him 
and allowing him to pass over rough-shod, lu fact, he 
inflicted such a stigma upon this matador that in obe- 
dience to the public voice this puissant performer was 
dismissed in disgrace and a rival matador appointed in 
his place, who, knowing the scientific touch, did the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 35 

business of the rebel bull, and those that came after him, 
with clev^erness and speed. I believe I must acknowl- 
edjj:e that at each of these incidents the current of my 
feeling-s flowed in unison with that of the citizens there 
assembled, who would have been pleased above measure 
had either the horseman or the matador, or both of them, 
tasted of death. Five or six horses were transferred 
during the conflict from Havana to another and a better 
place, and it is with profound regret that I make the 
additional statement that not a man was seriously 
injured. 

On this occasion a boy about twelve years old (who, 
if he had been a son of mine, I do assert, should have 
been spanked with astonishing vim and fury for dis- 
gracing his good old father by being in such company) 
solicited leave to insert a pair of the darts into the shoul- 
ders of one of the bulls. Tin's performance, as far as 
my inexperienced judgment enlightens me, is not inferior 
in danger to any exploit of the bull-ring, for in executing 
it it is necessary to stand face to face with the exasperated 
animal without a weapon or deluding banner, depending 
for safety solely upon agile movement. The boy accom- 
plished the daring feat most dexterously. Amidst a long, 
wild, and enthusiastic shout he was caught up in the 
arms of the people and placed before the president, who 
greeted him with words of congratulation and commen- 
dation, and with much emotion gave him his paternal 
blessing. A career with so glorious a beginning argues 
a not less glorious ending, and I do not feel that I am 
over-confident in predicting that, stimulated by the over- 
whelming applause he received that day, he will be urged 
on till he is found worthy to be decorated with the noblest 
insignia his fraternity can be graced with — the iron 
bracelets and the collar that fastens with a screw behind. 

The audience, on the whole, comported themselves 
very well. They early established an understanding 
with the performers, advising them what to do, and 
cursing them heartily when they failed to do it. They 
were unsparing critics and ravenous for fireworks, for the 
application of which they ofttimes clamored when the 
bull was getting along sufficiently well without them. 



36 Tilt: BOOK OF TRAVELS 

The aniiaV)le old president conformed to all their wishes 
as far as he could, niakin": his subordinates torment the 
bulls to the utmost of their ability and eviscerate as 
many horses as the management could possibly afford to 
lose ; and in short, did everything in his power to 
enhance the agreeableness of the occasion. 

Althoug-h Havana taken as a whole possesses charac- 
teristics of great interest to a stranger, there are not very 
many individual objects of special attractiveness. Among 
these few the Cathedra] is paramount. Its foundations 
were laid two hundred years ago, and it was carried 
leisurely along towards com})letion for near seventy years. 
It is a large stone structure, of a massive style of archi- 
tecture, shaped into rude symmetry. Within it looks 
somewhat desolate and faded, and, like all Catholic- 
cathedrals, is at all times hazy and odorous with the 
fumes of incense. In the centre of the high altar is a 
statue of the Immaculate Conception, and around the 
sides of the church are several altars adorned with relig- 
ious paiiitings, before which the faithful can frecjuently 
be seen making adoration. 

The celebration of high mass in this Cathedral is very 
pompous — a military band performing the national air 
being introduced to aid the effect — and the impression it 
makes is grand and solemn. Every Sunday morning I 
attended the Cathedral, and, though I had an ulterior 
object in view in which I was each time disappointed, 
I was always more than recompensed for any incon- 
venience incurred in going thither. This Cathedral, like 
the churches in Europe, lags terribly in the march of 
progress in the matter of accommodations for wor- 
shijjers, there being no seats provided. Those who go 
up to the sanctuary habitually take a piece of carpet or 
a rug to squat on during their devotions, but straggling 
sinners who have not had the foresight or opportunity to 
make this provision must either lean against a pillar or 
kneel on the cold, hard pavement, at the risk of corns on 
their knees and rheumatism all through them. This 
arrangement, however objectionable in other respects, 
has the crowning advantage at least of affording no 
facilities for nodding, so that the attention is kept alive 



OF A DOCTOR OF FIIYSIO. 37 

from first to last. It would be still more commendable 
did it have the affect of fixing the attention exelusivelv 
upon the services ; but the congregation is almost entirely- 
composed of the softer sex, — the men having wofuliy 
backslidden, and preferring the cock-pit to the church of 
Sundays, — and they, instead of steadfastly looking after 
their salvation, are immensely given to gaping and 
staring about at their brother-worms — especially at such 
stra^' ones as are made conspicuous non-conformists by 
their ignorance of the formulary: — all of the congrega- 
tion doing this except the colored element, which seems 
rapt in an ecstasy, and swerves its eyes not one iota 
from the fugleman. These tastefully-draped female 
figures gracefully kneeling here and there, the solemn 
ceremonial of the altar, the band of priests and children 
ministering around it, and the music, now soft and touch- 
ing and again loud and triumphant, form a picture strik- 
ing and beautiful, seeming as if it were some skillfully 
composed dramatic tableau. 

But, independent of any claim upon the traveler's 
notice which its religious uses or architectural features 
may endue it with, the Cathedral has another and a pe- 
culiar and sacred interest. To its guardianship are con- 
signed the remains of the great Columbus. To see the 
place where these relics are deposited was the ulterior 
object of my visits to which I have above alluded. But, 
as I have said, I was every time foiled, for I could not 
get near enough during the services, without elbowing 
myself into the front rank of the kneeling worshipers and 
standing there like the chief of sinners towering among 
the saints. I poked and peered about as much as I de- 
cently could, till 1 perceived that I had come to be looked 
upon as an idle scoffer, — though, indeed, I was no such 
base thing, — and finally desisted lest some true believer 
should mash my nose and black my eyes for an audacious 
heretic. I tried during the week-days, but the Cathedral 
was always closed, and I did not know how to proceed 
to get in. One day, however, I found an intelligent 
colored brother engaged in whitewashing the walls of 
the curate's establishment adjoining the church, and to 
hiui I imparted my desires with great fluency, having 

4* 



38 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

compiled the necessary phrases with much care from the 
Spanish dictionary. He responded in terms which I 
was not prepared to hear, and consequently did noi com- 
prehend. An ag'onizing- scene ensued. First there were 
mutual misunderstandings, and then high words passed 
between us, — for the practice seems to be universal to 
regard a person to whom the vernacular is unintellig'ible 
as somewhat deaf, and in order to put him en rapport 
with the speaker it is thought to be necessary to bawl the 
words at him. By dint of stupendous intellectual strug- 
gles I gathered the information that the church would be 
opened at dace y media — that is, half-past twelve o'clock. 
As it wanted two hours or more to that time, I spent the 
intermediate period in prowling about the neighborhood. 
When the stated hour arrived I again repaired to the 
Cathedral, but not a door was open. The brother of the 
whitewash brush was still there, and I went to him with 
a reproachful look. A dreadful hullabaloo began. The 
only intelligible inference I could draw from it was that 
he had told me dos y media — half-past two — instead of 
dace y media; but I was too much disgusted by the 
ambiguity of the Spanish tongue to be disposed to broil 
in the sun for two hours more, and so returned to my 
hotel. 

But I could not bear to leave America without a sight 
of the tomb of its immortal discoverer; and so, on the 
very last day of my stay in Havana, I went again to the 
Cathedral resolved to get in or perish in the attempt. 
The doors were shut as usual, but I marched boldly into 
the curate's house. There was no one there to oppose 
or to assist me, and I steered my way along with burgla- 
rious sagacity until I found a door communicating with 
the interior of the Cathedral. Through this I passed 
and beheld a lofty scafiblding on which men were 
mounted engaged in decorating the church for an ap- 
proaching holyday, and laughing and talking in a very 
matter-of-fact and undevout manner. They paid no heed 
to me, and I walked on, and then at last I stood before 
the place where rests the sacred dust, and reverentially 
laid my hands upon the marble tablet that marks it. 

The cavity containing the remains is on the left-hand 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 39 

side of the high altar as you enter from the front, in a 
line with the statue of the Immaculate Conception, and 
is closed with a slab of white marble about two feet and 
a half square, having sculptured upon it a bust of Co- 
lumbus in a medallion resting upon a quadrangle carved 
into various nautical emblems, overlying which is the 
following inscription : 

" i restos e imagen del grande Colon, 
Mil siglos durad guardados en la urna 
Y en la remembrancia de nuestra nacion !" 

"0 relics and image of the great Columbus, 
A thiiusaud years endure preserved in this urn 
And in the remembrance of our nation I" 

The main object of our expedition being to obtain for 
my companion the benefit of favorable climates, my 
attention was naturally directed somewhat closely to 
this subject, and I made some observations which it is 
my purpose to briefly present whenever in the course of 
this work I shall have to describe our sojourn in any 
place of repute as a residence for invalids. 

Of the climate of Cuba outside of Havana I know 
nothing, for during my stay on the island I remained in 
the city — the vexatious police restrictions on travelers, 
engendered of the insurrection, and my companion's 
assurance, from former experience, that there were no 
accommodations fit for a sick mnn in the interior, damp- 
ing any desire for wandering. Havana itself, however, 
has a pre-eminent reputation as a winter residence for 
consumptives. In my opinion it does not altogether 
deserve it. It is generally agreed that the principal 
benefit that accrues to a sufferer from this malady by the 
change to a warmer climate is from the opportunity 
thereby afforded for taking exercise, from which the cold 
and inclement weather of his own country debars him. 
But excessive heat is as an effectual restrainer upon exer- 
cise as excessive cold, and in some respects is the greater 
evil of the two, for the latter is susceptible of being mod- 
erated by the mere act of exercise itself into a tonic agent, 
while it is hard to make by any expedient anything better 
than a debilitant of the other. Besides, undue heat en- 



40 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

feebles the digestive apparatus, the proper performance 
of whose functions is a matter of the first importance to 
the consumptive. Now, if at any place we see a man on 
a scafToUl laying bricks Vv^ith an umbrella hoisted to save 
himself from sun-stroke in the depth of winter, we have 
reasonable grounds for inferring that that place is warm — 
that, in fact, it is quite warm. Such a sight can occa- 
sionally be seen in Havana in January. Very early in 
the morning jt is pleasant, but from about nine o'clock 
till near nightfall whoso perambulates the city, unless he 
be already kiln-dried, is like to return with an addled 
head. During this baking-time the heat is tempered by 
the sea-breeze, which blows from about ten till four. It 
is soothing, and indeed indispensable, to sit where it can 
fan you ; but sitting and getting fanned all day is not 
exercise as commonly understood. There is, however, 
no disposition to take any other kind, nor, if there were, 
could it be gratified without the adventurer being the 
worse for it. All this part of the day, therefore, is apt 
to be wearisome, and if its monotony can be broken at 
all it must be done not by active but passive means. 
The arrival of evening is hailed with unequivocal satis- 
faction, for it brings relief. Nothing can be balmier than 
these evenings, but their balminess, great as it is, does 
not compensate a man — unless he be a very lazy one — 
for the waste of the intervening day. 

There is not much more inclination for food than for 
exercise. Under the demoralizing influence of the heat 
the stomach gets to be trifling and unreliable, indisposed 
to take in anything to do, and doing what little it takes 
in a slovenly manner. I was very seldom blessed with 
a satisfactory state of hungriness. Even whisky loses 
its beneficent powers, and instead of acting as the great 
consoler stirs up bile and inward strife; and, as befell 
the Ettrick Shepherd with the jaundice, "you begin to 
hate and be sick o' things that used to be maist de- 
lightfu' — sic as the sky, and streams, and hills, and the 
ee and voice and haun and breast o' woman." Stanch 
and solid men become infected with a hankering after 
lollipop, swigging sugar-water, lime-juice, and white-of- 
^EE (which constitute a panale) — an indication of a 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 41 

serious depravation of taste. And so, what with very 
little g'oing: into tlie body and everythinji: ca))ab]e of 
evaporation or filtration transpiring and percolating out 
of it, the sojourner presently finds himself in a wishy- 
wash}^ unstable, dish-raggy state, such as bodes no good 
to an invalid. 

The mean winter temperature of Havana, as shown 
by the thermometer, is 71°. Many persons are misled 
l>y this expression of "mean temperature," understand- 
ing it as in some degree tantamount to uniform tempera- 
ture. Nothing can be more erroneous. Sixty degrees 
in the morning and evening — which would be felt to be 
unpleasantly cool in Havana — and 93° at noon — which 
is abominably hot anywhere, will give a mean for the 
day of 71° ; but it is evident that the latter figures 
furnish an inadequate criterion for judging the character 
of the temperature of such a day. Seventy-one degrees 
is a sufficiently genial temperature, but it is very far from 
representing the real, practicable bearableness of an Ha- 
vana winter, for during the greater portion of the great 
majority of days the thermometer will be found to rise 
very much higher than this. Of inclement weather 
there is none to hurt. Rain is welcome, for it tends to 
cool the air and revives the oppressed spirits. After a 
prolonged shower it was sometimes but little hotter than 
one of our fourth-of Julys. I had no experience with 
the " Northers" which occasionally blow here, and are 
regarded with abhorrence b}' sick people. 

The following summary of the state of the weather 
during our stay in Havana will enable the general reader 
to form some idea of the character of the climate. It is 
not drawn up with the scientific precision of the meteor- 
ologists, and because it is not I flatter myself that it is 
much less likely to mislead and will prove more service- 
able. Out of thirty-one days, seventeen were clear and 
warm — and when I say warm I mean uncomfortably 
warm; five were cloudy and w^arm ; one was drizzly and 
warm; five were cloudy and comparatively pleasant; 
two were drizzly and mild; and one was cloudy and so 
cool as to enable me to wear a waistcoat and cravat. 
During this time there were three sfood rains in the uiaht, 



42 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

and on one of the cloudy days there was a fine shower, 
and on two of them heavy ruins. Out of the thirty-one 
days, therefore, there were twenty-three on which it is 
safe to say that such natural and rational exercise as 
walking about the city was nugatory as a hygienic 
resource, or injurious and even dangerous on account of 
the heat; while the tempting coolness of some of the 
rest was made unavailable for this purpose by the drizzle 
on which the coolness itself depended. 

Now in justice to the climate of Havana I ought to 
add tliat my companion was himself partial to it, and, 
as he had the advantage of being an invalid, his opinion 
is entitled to much weight. But, in the first place, he 
was no enthusiastic admirer of exercise under any cir- 
cumstances and was abundantly content to do without it 
altogether; and, in the next, it was manifest to me that 
he suffered from the heat and its concomitant effects. 
Besides, it must be borne in mind that there is a sala- 
mander sort of people who rejoice in hot weather and 
thrive in it, and if my companion really felt better in 
Havana he must have been one of this kind; while, on 
the other hand, there is a cold-blooded class who cannot 
abide high temperatures and are exalted in proportion to 
the downfall of the thermometer — to which class I 
belong. And this leads me to say that it would be well 
for an invalid contemplating a journey to Cuba to subject 
himself to a preliminary self-examination, and if he find 
that roasting and parboiling agree with him he will be 
perhaps benefited by going thither; if, on the contrary, 
these processes stew the grease out of him and render 
him soft and mushy, it will probably be to his interest to 
stay away. 

In short, then, I dislike Havana as a residence for 
consumptives because the climate is so hot as to be 
enervating — destroying the disposition for wholesome 
exercise and curtailing the opportunities for enjoying it; 
and because it hinders the nutritive functions of the 
patient. To Americans it jiresents other objections inde- 
pendent of sanitary considerations which I need not 
enlarge upon — such as difference of language and cus- 
toms, which is a matter of no small import to a sick 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 43 

person. Except in the novelty of its scenes and the 
animation of a large city, I do not perceive that it offers 
any advantages over Florida, — and these are points not 
of paramount hygienic importance, — while in all essential 
particulars it is, in my opinion, inferior to that State. 



CHAPTER IV. 



Containing Matter of direful Belligerency relevant to the fireat Rebel- 
lion in Cuba. — Of the Rise and Exaltation of the Voluntaries, and of 
the astounding Feats of Arms that they performed. 

While all the other Spanish-American possessions 
have torn themselves away from the mother-country and 
exchanged monarchy for anarchy, Cuba, more wise till 
recently, firmly retained her allegiance. Faithful among 
the faithless, her faithfulness was munificently recognized 
by the bestowal of the proud title of "The Ever-faithful 
Isle." This is her official designation, and under it she 
has been robbed and domineered over to this day. 

Certain bold and eager spirits, chafed at the idea of 
being forever the plundered and the oppressed, and very 
likely desirous of doing a little plundering and oppress- 
ing for their own behoof, have from time to time struck 
a feeble blow for freedom — and then been garroted in the 
presence, and generally with the approbation, of their 
fellow-sufierers. And so the ever-faithful isle continued 
faithfully to allow its citizens to be shoved out of the 
way for their cousins over the water who were too no- 
account to be trusted with anything to do at home, and 
toiled and toiled for dear old broken-down and greedy 
Spain. 1 am far from censuring its people for this tame 
submission, because I am satisfied that for some folks 
dependence upon even a bad government is better than 
the best independence they can achieve and manage for 
themselves. But the revolution in the old country oc- 
curring, the general upturning thereby occasioned pre- 
sented an opportunity to the bold and eager spirits I 



44 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

have mentioned that they could not neijlect, and almost 
simultaneously it was noised abroad in Havana that a 
band of patriots had raised the standard of revolt in the 
fastnesses of the Oriental department where nobody 
could o-et at them, and were resolved to defend it to the 
last. The band was swelled by recruits, each one de- 
manding!: and obtaining an officer's commission, so that 
in a little while the new organization was one of the 
most thoroughly officered in tlie world, and reciuired 
only private soldiers to assume a decidedly offensive 
attitude. 

And now news was received that the rebels were com- 
mitting frightful devastations in the interior — smoking 
up all the cigars and turning the negroes free, who im- 
mediately began sucking all the sugar-cane — an occupa- 
tion in which they take a fiendish delight. The death- 
blow thus being struck at the main staples of the island, 
infused prodigious alarm into the authorities and caused 
them to put forth vehement exertions to avert it. Prayers 
were offered up, orders were issued to the custom-house 
and passport officials to let no man enter in or go out of 
Cuba without making him bitterly regret that he ever 
undertook it, and many dozens of troops, in detachments 
one after another, were dispatched to the theatre of war. 
What the hostile forces did when they met the public 
never knew till they read it in the New York papers; 
for news does not circulate freely in Havana, and in 
order to know what is going on in the city curious per- 
sons subscribe to an American journal. 

At this juncture Captain-General Lersundi reigned in 
Cuba. He had been very popular, but being surmised 
to be an adherent of the expelled queen he was now in 
less favor with the public. Sudden and radical changes 
in a government are terrible shocks to office-holders, and 
it is no more than common charity on such occasions to 
give them time to cogitate before requiring them to ex- 
plicitly define their position. It appears that Captain- 
Greneral Lersundi was not explicit, and hence incurred 
distrust; but he nevertheless gave evidence of his fidel- 
ity to the interests of Spain by doing all in his power 
to suppress the rebellion. He had, however, more 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIYSIC. 45 

to encounter than he had means to cope with. It de- 
manded all the regulars he had to hunt the rebels and 
stay the ravage of cigars and sugar-cane ; and squad 
after squad were sent forth to get upon the scene of 
action, if they could find it, till at last the city itself was 
left almost defenseless. In this state of affairs, lest the 
rebels lying dormant in the metropolis should rise tri- 
umphantly and take it, he resorted to an expedient which, 
though frequently adopted, has seldom been found to 
M''ork altogether satisfactorily — he called for volunteers 
to protect it. And this was the origin of that for- 
midable organization which afterwards became a very 
Frankenstein, threatening to destroy those who had 
evoked it into being. He had invited the wolves to 
protect the sheep. 

To the call of their country the bull-fighters, the dead- 
beats, the bloodtiibs, and the other braves of Havana 
made a gallant response. They rallied round the flag by 
hundreds. They were enrolled, rigged out in all the 
glorious panoply of war brand-new and resplendent, and 
organized into companies. The parade-ground in front 
of our hotel was plowed up by tlie tread of the awk- 
ward squad, and the air of the vicinity and the ears of 
the slumberers thereabouts were vexed every morning 
before daybreak by the blasts of the shrill bugle. 
Speeches were made to the volunteers, — or "volunta- 
ries," as they were called in Havana English, — odes 
were addressed to them, and entertainments given in 
their honor. Every Sabbath morning they turned out in 
bulk, in full glor}^ to be reviewed by the captain-general, 
and on these occasions the noise of their drums and 
horns was as terrible as an army with banners. The 
cynosure of all observers, in soldier clothes and adorned 
with bees-waxed and sand-papered accoutrements, with 
the entree to the bull-ring and free liquor, and with all 
his country's wishes blest, sure nothing could be more 
delightful and honorable than to be a voluntary. 

For a length of time things went on in this peacefully- 
obstreperous way — the voluntaries for some unexplained 
reason comporting themselves with much decorum. In 
the mean while Captain-General Lersundi had been re- 

5 



4 6 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

called and Dulce appointed in his stead. The latter was 
long- in coming-, for though it was of great importance 
that he should I'each Cuba as soon as possible, it was no 
less important as a point of etiquette that he should 
zigzag out of his course to partake of dinner with the 
dignitaries of all the Spanish dependencies lie could find 
on the way. At last he was signaled from the Morro. 
I went down to the wharf to see him land. His recep- 
tion, apart from the usual military fuss and flurry, was 
not demonstrative, for he was not much desired by the 
people, and was less so when it was known that he had 
brought with him the bishop nicknamed Pimpernel (or 
some such thing) — a personage very obnoxious, and who 
had been banished by Lersuiidi for refusing to allow that 
potentate's ears to be tickled by the salutatory pealing of 
the church-bells in his progresses through the island. 
Of course the voluntaries were out in full force and 
feather, as, led by that love of strut and show which is 
one of the deadly sins of volunteer nature, they would 
have been all the same to receive my Lord Beelzebub. Ar- 
tillery thundered, and the banging and clanging of drums 
and ice-horns will long to be remembered There was a 
goodly assemblage of spectators, composed almost ex- 
clusively of loafers and negroes, who were perched on 
sugar-hogsheads, and lined the streets. As the pro- 
cession marched in quick-time past me I uplifted my 
opera-glass to scrutinize it critically; but just as I had 
drawn a fair bead on Dulce some supple-jack of a fellow 
punched one of its eyes out, and I had to devote all the 
rest of the time to groping for it under the feet of the 
crowd, so that I missed the best part of the show. How- 
ever, I saw them carry him to his palace, which was very 
near by, and there they left him. 

Captain-General Dulce immediately issued a proclama- 
tion. Its tenor was extremely liberal, apparently. It 
guaranteed freedom of worship — to Catholics; and lib- 
erty of the press on all subjects except prohibited topics. 
It respectfully asked the rebels to surrender, and wound 
up with " Viva Eapana ! Your Captain-General, Dulce." 
He also straightway instituted some reforms in matters 
which the lax rule of his predecessor had neglected, to 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 47 

the detriment of the body politic. His principal move 
in this direction I have already had occasion to mention, 
— namel3^ the rooting up of the marble embodiment of 
her Majesty Isabella II. Besides this threat feat, he 
rechristened certain parks and places whose names 
savored of tlie abominations pertaining to royalty. His 
fair show exalted him a little in the popular favor, and 
he had a tolerable prospect of a somewhat successful 
administration. 

But in less than three weeks after Captain-General 
Dulce had assumed the reins of government trouble 
began to come thick upon him. One niglit during a per- 
formance at the Yillanueva Theatre something was said 
or done that grievously worked up the loyal bile of the 
voluntaries who happened to be present ; and without 
much pi-eliminary ado they opened fire on nobody in par- 
ticular but anybody in general. A sort of free-shooting 
ensued among the audience. Several men were more or 
less damaged, and a ribbon, said to have been of the rebel 
colors, was pulled off of a lady's head, and the better part 
of her hair likewise. A dreadful scene impended, but 
everybody taking to their heels as fast as they could, it 
was happily averted. 

This incident created tremendous excitement, and the 
next day the city was in commotion. The voluntaries 
turned out and paraded the town with screams of " Viva 
Etipana.'^' till the backs of their coats were soaked 
through with perspiration. I followed a company of 
them down to the captain-general's palace, by the side 
of a warrior whom I took to be the captain's orderly 
from the big saddle and bridle he lugged on his shoul- 
ders, seeking for information but gaining very little. A 
speech was made to them in the Plaza de Armas, the 
sentiments of which they applauded with hideous growls 
of approbation, and then they took a temporary rest and 
refreshed themselves with bananas and cigarettes. 

Upon returning from the Plaza to the hotel I presently 
behela a voluntary at the next corner bayoneting a citi- 
zen-coacliman. Tljis was a most pleasing spectacle, for 
I had suffered terribly from these coachmen ; and so in 
company with my fellow-guest the general of the United 



48 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

States army, who had an equal relish for the si<>:ht, — he 
having just before been offered by one of them the alter- 
native of twenty cents over-]>ay or the city jail, — I hui'- 
ried down to enjoy the grateful scene. Just at the raost 
interesting part of it up came a body of these same 
voluntaries and commenced whirling tlieir guns around 
us as if they were crazy. The general and myself at- 
tempted thereupon to go quietly back to our hotel, but 
were dexterously intercepted by a voluntary, who made 
dreadful flourishes at us. Now, being notorious for my 
suavity of deportment and with an antique cotton um- 
brella in my hand, I do not see how anybody could 
present a more peaceful and law-abiding appearance 
than I did, and the general looked to the full as unbel- 
■ligerent; and so, presuming on this appearance, we con- 
tinued to go on, when suddenly the voluntary drew his 
gun from the half to the full cock, and playing the muzzle 
of it all about our digestive apparatus uttered a series 
of most ferocious words, of Avhich the only one we could 
hear distinctly was "mismo.''^ We interpreted this to 
mean " mizzle P^ — and mizzle we did, with promptness 
and dispatch, into an adjacent coffee-house. Our impet- 
uous entrance roused consternation in this quiet retreat, 
and the inmates, rearing and snorting with terror, shut 
the doors while we made for a place of safety; and get- 
ting at last into the closet where they kept their liquors, 
we concluded that we could be in no better spot, and 
remained there till order was restored, when we made 
the best of our way back to our hotel. As for rae, I was 
niighty circumspect in my movements for the rest of 
tliis day; but tlie general was indiscreet enough to go 
a-driving in the evening with an American resident- 
physician, whereby he came to be beset by another vol- 
untary, who treated both of the gentlemen with unpar- 
alleled ignominy and contempt — forcing their horse's 
head back upon his spine till he was in deadly peril of 
suffocation fVom the strain on his windpipe, and shocking 
their modesty to the core by the awfully improper lan- 
guage he used in their presence. 

From this time forth was waged a war of extermina- 
tion between the voluntaries and the patriots in Havana. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 49 

It must, I think, be quite refreshing to stand by and see 
the ruination of a town in whicli the spectator has no 
personal interest at stake. The operation itself it has 
been my fortune to witness more than once, but in every 
instance my own bodily welfare was so much implicated 
in what was going- on as to rob the scene of its enjoy- 
ableness. Tiie contest now inaugurated led me to fancy 
that this aesthetic spectacle was at length about to be 
vouchsafed to me; but things were not ripe enough for 
it, and, after all, I had to go away disappointed. 

The tactics adopted by both parties varied from that 
inculcated in the recognized text-books. Tlie favorite 
manoeuvre of the patriots was for one of them to cock 
himself on the top of some neutral house, peep over the 
parapet, and when a voluntary hove in sight to let drive 
at him, and then tip along the adjoining roofs as fast as 
his legs could vibrate, and so away. For this proceed- 
ing the house was held responsible, and soon the inmates 
would be astonished to behold the voluntary making for 
them to satisfy the claims of justice on their unoffending 
carcasses. And then woe to them ; for generally the 
claims were exacted first and the justice examined (par- 
tially) into afterwards. Deplorable would be the nasal 
venesection and the ocular nigrification, the eradication 
of hair and the fracturing of teeth ; and fortunate was 
any part of the body susceptible of the reception of a 
kick that bore not many indelible impressions thereof, 
and thrice fortunate any corn not irrecoverably shattered 
by the poundings of gun-stocks. And sometimes, too, 
on these occasions were done deeds which are not to be 
spoken lightly of. 

As it was thought like enough that there were patriot- 
guests in our hotel ready to avail themselves of its 
facilities to slay their enemies in the fashion, Don Juan 
issued special orders that whoever could be caught at it 
should be knocked on the head on the spot, and his body 
thrown out of the window into the faces of the volun- 
taries as a peace-offering — the great doors being in the 
mean time shut and barricaded till an explanation could 
be made and a cartel agreed to. 

The voluntaries labored under the disadvantage of 
5* 



50 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

beinj? readily recognized by their uniform, and hence 
could be killed rationally, systematically, and knowingly; 
while, on the other hand, all the rest of the community 
labored under the disadvantage of not having their polit- 
ical complexion so completely unveiled, and hence were 
apt to be killed without reason, system, or knowledge. 
In fact, in righting their wrongs, the voluntaries were not 
overscrupulous liow they were righted so that they xoere 
righted ; and when shot at were well content if they 
could shoot at somebody in return, no matter who. 
Moreover, they were not as perfect marksmen as they 
may yet become, and when they pulled trigger it usually 
fared better with the victim than the bystanders. They 
had, however, the sensitiveness of a first-class shot, and it 
galled them mightily to fire without effect; consequently 
their favorite plan was to shoot into a theatre or coffee- 
house, where there was plenty of people, so that if they 
missed the man they aimed at they would have the sat- 
isfaction of knowing that, at any rate, the bullet had not 
been thrown away. It soon became pretty well estab- 
lished that non-belligerents were in more danger than 
any other class of people; and, during the height of the 
disturbances, for some days you could not poke your nose 
out of your door without the risk of having it blown off 
for somebody else's. With all their faults, however, the 
voluntaries had one trait that savored somewhat of a 
generous spirit: they always gave a man two chances 
for his life — to run away or to stand still ; and he was 
allowed to take his choice. If he elected the former, it 
was, held to be the flight of conscious guilt, and they 
gave him his deserts on the spot ; if the latter, he was 
instantly shot as a contumacious and arrogant rebel, 
insolently braving the true men. 

The row at the Villanueva Theatre occurred on Friday 
night, and on the Sunday night following the voluntaries 
took it into their heads to assault the residence of Don 
Aldama, rel)el sympathizer so called, which is almost 
next door to the Hotel El Telegrafo. The proceeding 
created a terrible to-do in our neighlxirhood. The crack- 
ing of musketiy mingling ominously with patriotic 
shrieks, and our proximity to the scene threw the hotel 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 51 

into a dreadful state of commotion ; for experience had 
shown that the voluntaries were monstrous uncertain 
people, and we feared we knew not what would happen 
to us all. However, we barricaded ourselves in, and felt 
a measure of hope from the fact that the hotel had fur- 
nished no less than six as its quota to these defenders of 
the country — among whom was our bar-keeper ; and it 
was with feelings of unutterable relief that our party 
remembered that we had only the day before bought a 
bottle of his Schiedam schnapps on trust, and so might 
count on his protection. Some of the boldest essayed to 
reconnoitre from the windows, but the whiz of bullets 
past their heads caused them to jerk themselves in and 
close the blinds speedily; and in the mean time the hotel 
corps mostly stampeded for the house-top. Among them 
I encountered our chambermaid Eenito making off, his 
eyes gone clean out of sight and his black countenance 
almost reconstructed on a white basis; and I did what 
I could to augment his nimbleness by reminding him 
of the aid and comfort he had given the rebels by his 
vivas for Cuban independence. One of the corps, Leon 
by name, our waiter at table, who was in the habit of 
ever and anon solacing himself surreptitiously with what 
he called a " yin-cocktl," had glided to a neighboring 
coffee-house to partake of a glass of his favorite mixture 
just previous to the inception of the fray, and got back 
in the nick of time to see the doors slammed to. His 
petitions for admission were absolutely unheeded, — as 
would very likely have been Don Juan's himself under 
the same circumstances, — and Leon had nothing to do 
for it but to dodge among the columns of the arcade and 
bear the brunt as best he might till hostilities ceased. 

The firing gradually died away, the shrieks became 
fewer and hoarser, and all was thought to be over, when 
there came a furious knocking at the gates. The stam- 
pede for the house-top was now well nigh universal, 
scarcely any one remaining below except a brave lady 
who had been bedridden for some months, and who dog- 
gedly held her ground. At last the knocking assumed 
such an imperative tone that enough courage was col- 
lected from the crowd to open the door. To our great 



52 TEE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

joy the knocker proved to be our own voluntary bar- 
keeper, who, wearied with the toils and glutted with 
the honors of war, had temporarily withdrawn from the 
field to repose upon his laurels and smoke a peaceful 
cigar. 

The storm being now iiiuch abated, we ventured to 
go a little distance into the street. There I met Leon 
murmuring at the way of the world in shutting its 
doors upon friends in adversity, and presently beheld 
a spectacle that moved nie with sorrow and indig- 
nation. It was a son of genius, a light of intellect, in 
captivity. In other words, a reporter for the papers had 
been taken up. The offense charged upon him was that 
lie had construed Captain-General Dulce's proclamation 
of liberty of the press too literally, and had taken the 
liberty to publish his opinion of the voluntaries, which 
was one in which the admiration they were wont to hear 
expressed for their excellent traits was something tem- 
pered down. He was the spoil of one of the littlest in 
physical proportions of the honorable body so wantonly 
traduced — little, indeed, but a nice little man, as I opine 
from the stalactitical ornamentations about his nose, 
which showed that, though too little to be intrusted by 
his ma with the responsibilities of a pocket-handkerchief, 
he was entirely too neat to use his coat-sleeve as a succe- 
daneum. It was with heartfelt pride that I listened to 
my literary brother as he looked down upon the upturned 
dirty nose of his diminutive captor and defended himself 
from the accusation — which he did with admirable volu- 
bility and a multitude of multifarious gestures. Nothing 
could be a more potent tribute to the power of humane 
letters than to see the frame of the hardened little volun- 
tary quivering under the eflFort to suppress the sniffles 
aroused by my brother's eloquence. Though I under- 
stood never a word of his fluent argument, I felt that it 
must be irresistible, and so was not surprised when 
assured by our interpreter that he had cogently and con- 
clusively excul[)ated himself from all responsibility for 
the political complexion of his paper, inasmuch as his 
functions were contiued to the purely literary departments 
of market reports, marine bulletin, and belles-lettres. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 53 

Incredibly difficult as it was to do, he succeeded in con- 
vincing even the reluctant voluntary of his innocence ; 
and he was, accordingly, allowed to go scot-free — except 
that his revolver was retained as some compensation for 
the fruitless trouble to which he had put the conservator 
of the peace in the investigation of his case : — a very 
judicious termination of the affair, which no American 
can reasonably criticise, since its analogue is performed 
in our courts every day of the year. Forsooth, I myself 
am intimately cognizant of one such analogue that was 
adjudicated by the wonderfully exemplary municipality 
of Lastditch, in which town a worthy dray-driver was 
arrested on a false charge while pursuing his avocation 
in the streets, and he and his horse and his dray were 
all incarcerated therefor, being kept in prison for a night 
and part of a day; but the next morning, his innocence 
being made as clear as the noonday sun, he was promptly 
given his liberty — the which, however, he could by no 
means compass till he had made satisfaction to the utter- 
most farthing to the municipality for its provident care 
in the warehousing of his vehicle and the stabulation of 
his beast. 

We remained in the street before the hotel for some 
time, when a gentleman came up having a pistol in his 
hand, which he was good enough to hold right to our 
eyes so as to satisfy any curiosity we felt respecting its 
pattern and calibre — at the same time requesting us to 
be so obliging as to go in the house. To show that we 
reciprocated his courtesy, we complied with his request 
on tbe spot, went in, closed the doors imperviously, and 
retired to our slumbers, from which we were roused off 
and on through the night by an occasional volley or 
howl. 

By the blessing of St. Jago, our hotel had escaped a 
visitation ; but on that same night the Louvre Coffee- 
house, one of the finest and most frequented in the city, 
was fired into by a squad of these ver}' singular troops 
while it was full of innocent and unsuspecting people, 
and several of them killed and wounded. From all I 
could hear this was a most dastardly and wanton out- 
rage, and but for the despicable deficiency of the mur- 



54 Tim BOOK OF TRAVELS 

derers in marksmanship the slaughter would have been 
much greater than it was. 

Early the next morning I sallied forth to note the 
result of the night's proceedings. I fully expected to see 
Don Aldama's house battered to pieces and every pane 
of glass in it shivered ; for the voluntaries must have 
fired upwards of a thousand shots at it, and it is the 
largest residence in the city, occupying an entire square; 
so that I know that, even with my limited acquaintance 
with algebra and geometry, I can demonstrate to a cer- 
tainty that a man firing at it cannot miss it even if he 
tries. And yet not a pane of window-glass was broken, 
and the sole result of this grand fusillade was four or five 
bullet marks on the wall, and the slaughter of one horse, 
who had been slain in the streets by a stray ball. A 
policeman was also seen lying dead that night in the 
parade-ground opposite, but as he had walked away by 
morning it was supposed that he was only dead-drunk. 
The marksmanship displayed on this occasion, so far as I 
know, has never been paralleled. 

But tliough the outside of Don Aldama's mansion thus 
miraculously escaped, it was not so with the inside. 
The intrepid assailants kept up their efforts unflaggingly 
till they had put the porter to flight, and then breaking 
through all opposition which nobody else made, effected 
an entrance. At once they proceeded to wean back the 
affections of Aldama's rel)ellious heart to their allegiance 
by processes which have been in much vogue with the 
truly loyal in every age and country. To save him from 
being further bewitched by the siren notes of rebellion 
they demolished his pianos ; — to prevent him from indulg- 
ing in treasonable reflections they smashed his looking- 
glasses. His costly furniture, his noble pictures, things 
precious and beautiful that lie had collected to adorn his 
home — all these they broke in pieces, they ripped in 
tatters, they ground to powder. His household gods 
they overturned and trampled in the dust — and did it 
all with that zeal and brutishness which men display 
from whose breasts a mythic patriotism has crowded out 
the real humanity ; for, believe nie, my reader, love of 
country, even when pure and unselfish, is not so noble 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 55 

as the love of man ; and your own heart will tell yon, if 
it is an uticorrnpted one, that an entire patriot — one of 
the Brutus stamp, who can deli!)eratoly murder his child 
or despoil or slay his fellow-men for no other rea.son than 
to show his patriotism — is rather a monster to be de- 
nounced than a paragon to be imitated. And so these 
lovers of their country destroyed Don Aldama's property 
in such quantities and in such modes as must needs con- 
strain him, if he spoke his honest sentiments, to acknowl- 
edge that the government he had striven to get rid of, if 
not tlie best government he had ever seen, was a con- 
founded sight better than the one he had got for himself 
in its stead. 

From this time forth till we quitted the island the 
voluntaries maintained their exaltation. They wandered 
over the town establishing the true political faith with a 
zeal and unction which was increased instead of being 
diminished by the fact that every day or so some of them 
suffered martyrdom at the hands of the infidels. Chock- 
full of patriotism and aguardiente, they inflicted a great 
many kicks and cutt's on the men and outrages of various 
kinds on the women — the most common of which was 
the enforcing of both matrons and maids to shout Viva 
Eapana! The intrinsic perversity of the female tem- 
perament often made matters worse for the fair victims 
than they might have been, for they were very contuma- 
cious in refusing to shout when bid. The consequence 
was that they got themselves caught round the neck and 
squeezed till the loyal watchword was choked out of 
them. Exploits like these brought the voluntaries to be 
considered something of a nuisance, and a strong desire 
was expressed that they would please to resign. The 
theatres were closed, cock-fights and bull-fights sus- 
pended, and people, both strangers and citizens, were 
leaving by every opportunity. In this condition of 
affairs the captain-general resorted to the measure of 
rebuking the voluntaries severely for their performances; 
in return for which he was cursed most heartily and be- 
spattered profusely wilh the pungent appellations peculiar 
to the lower order of Spaniards. lie now discovered that 
he had no -control over them, and endeavored to supplant 



56 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

them by calling around him the marines and what regu- 
lars he could — for which the voluntaries threatened to 
kill him. It was shrewdly surmised by certain long- 
headed oracles that the royalist Lersundi had cunningly 
organized these voluntaries for the express purpose of 
bedeviling liis liberal successor. Whether this was so or 
no, it is certain that Captain-General Dulce was power- 
fully perplexed, not to say terrified, by them, and his 
tribulations were still accumulating when we took our 
departure. 

Since then General Dulce has obtained his recall, and 
has died. I believe him to have been a very fair-minded 
and lenient officer, but his administration must have 
proved anything but pleasant to himself, and appears to 
have afforded very little satisfaction to anybody else. 
He thought to govern by reason a people who can ap- 
preciate nothing but force ; and offended by his lenity a 
community which sets bulls afire, horns out the insides 
of horses, and stirs up oxen with a sharp nail. With 
the further proceedings of the voluntaries and the 
progress of the revolution since his day my readers are, 
doubtless, as familiar as I am myself. 



CHAPTER y. 



Tells how we plowed the Main from Cuba's tepid Isle to old romantic 
Spain —Our Joys and Woes in transitu, and Portraits of our Partners 
thereof, with Notes on Tilings Nautical, Medical, Philological, etc' 

In the midst of the glory of the voluntaries and the 
tribidation of Captain-General Dulce we packed our 
trunks and left. By this time scarcely an American 
sojourner remained in Havana, and when we bade Don 
Juan Castaneda good-by it was with an emotion of 
sorrow for the amiable old landlord, as we thought that 
the goodly stream from which came so great a part of his 
nourishment was so completely dried up. We had taken 
passage in the Spanish mail-steamer «ee "Prince Al- 



OF A DOCTOR OF rilYSW. 57 

fonso," but now " Guipuzcoa," — the metamorphosis of her 
name being- due to the disrepute into which her name- 
sake had fallen in consequence of the casting out of his 
mother the Queen Isabel, — and on board of her we 
departed on the BOth of January, bound for Cadiz. 

A departui'e for the old country is an event of great 
interest to the provincials, and a large concourse of the 
citizens of Havana, composed mainly of those of low 
degree, boatmen, wharf-rats, and the like, assembled to 
give us the benefit of their benediction on our momentous 
adventure. The ship was surrounded by boats bringing 
off baggage and passengers, and there was great bustle 
and animation both inside and outside of the vessel. 
The friends of the passengers were out in force, many 
of whom graced the neighboring housetops, whence they 
waved their handkerchiefs with zeal and vigor; and I 
was especially struck with one who, his abounding love 
being too vast to be encompassed in any handkerchief, 
had provided himself with a sheet or table-cloth, and 
from his high pinnacle wafted his good wishes after us 
in volumes. Our company kept their eyes on the shore 
and reciprocated all these friendly signals heartily, but 
as for ourselves, having been skinned to the utmost pos- 
sible limit during our sojourn in the city, we were pretty 
sure that there was no one present interested in our 
further welfare, and so we gazed upon the scene with 
much composure. 

At length, when the sun was getting ready to set and 
we feared that in obedience to the regulations of the port 
we should have to remain inside the harbor all night, the 
multifarious formalities necessary to make a valid depart- 
ure from these coasts were finished up and we started. 
We fired a gun — the Spanish war-vessel b}^ which we 
passed lowered her flags in honor to us, or because it 
was sunset and she wanted to get them out of the dew; 
we screamed and waved adieus to those on shore, and 
the populace shrieked and heaved them back to us as we 
moved along. Spanish navigators consider the tender 
impulses of humanity on these occasions. To an Amer- 
ican or English captain leave-takings are foolishness, and 
one of them would have cracked on a full head of steam 

6 



58 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

and jerked tlie tender ties that bound us to those we 
were leaving- behind in two with a snap. But the captain 
of the Guipuzcoa steamed away slowly and gently, so 
that we enjoyed the luxury of grief with some comfort 
and satisfaction. Presently we passed through the 
throat of the harbor by the Morro, which treated us 
with silent contempt, — the sentinel not even presenting 
arms, — and then we were out on the great ocean. 

No man that is not more stolid than a chopping-block 
can see himself thus cast loose from terra firma without 
some emotion, and many feel a good deal of it, and they 
who are blessed with the gifts of rhetoric wax eloquently 
sentimental under it. I have read some dozens of affect- 
ingly lugubrious adieus to my native land — most of them 
inspired by the sinking of the Neversink sand-hills. To 
the sad souls who penned these farewell tributes, if it be 
any consolation to them to know it, I can give the as- 
surance that the same feelings are engendered by the 
disappearance of the Cuban coast as the bark is bearing 
the voyager away to Europe — the same in kind, but 
differing in degree. I was affected as America faded 
from my view; but I forbear to describe what I felt, 
because everybody who has a book of trans-Atlantic 
travel has already read an account of the attending psy- 
chological phenomena, drawn up by one of the gifted 
ones just mentioned, and because I was not as much 
affected as I could have wished, for my sensibility had 
received its great shock, and been nearly exhausted by 
it, some time before, at the outer gates of Richmond. 
It is very comforting to kuow that the reaction from this 
state of depression is generally very quick, sudden, and 
complete. The gleam from the lighthouse on the shore, 
which was still plainly visible when we retired for the 
night, solaced us with the feeling that we were not yet 
quite cut off from communion with our fellow-men, but 
in the morning all signs of land were gone, and it was as 
if we were alone in the world. 

The Guipuzcoa was a fine, English-built, iron propeller. 
She was constructed with the view to carrying the largest 
possible number of passengers, and hence the state-rooms, 
so far as snug is synonymous with small and close, were 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 59 

of the snuggest description. As a favor, we two had 
been given one intended to accommodate four persons, 
with the understanding that in case of a press of pas- 
sengers we- were to receive two more in it. Had they 
come we must have died. The ship was officered alto- 
gether by Spaniards, except that the engineers were 
Scotchmen — the owners having doubts of the trust- 
worthiness of their fellow-countrymen in matters of 
steam A great many attempts, by the way, have been 
made to inculcate into the minds of Spanish youths a 
Ivnowledge of the mysteries of this subtle vapor, so as to 
qualify them to act as engineers. They are painstaking 
and circumspect while in subordination to their instruct- 
ors, giving promise of much usefulness in their day and 
generation, but become tremendously inflated by the dig- 
nity of their position when put in absolute command of 
an engine. With the lofty spirit of their nation, they 
have a contempt for the servile duties of turning gauge- 
cocks and the like, which they were forced to perform 
during their novitiate, and in full belief that the engine 
is overawed by the grandeur of their presence they sit 
in majestic state before it and let it work on in blind 
obedience till they are blown up — whereat they are 
mightily astonished, not at the magnitude of the display, 
but at the unheard-of effrontery of the thing. 

The captain of the Guipuzcoa was rather a little man, 
utterly dried up and weather-beaten, and circled amongst 
us covered with a navy-cap whose top was voluminous 
and with all the stiffening gone, and whose leather front 
exactly coincided with his forehead at every point. This 
was his sea costume, but he was afterwards pointed out 
to me in Cadiz arrayed in a stove-pipe hat and a dress- 
coat, by which he was transmogrified beyond recognition. 
As our acquaintance with him ripened he developed some 
strange peculiarities and traits of character. The first 
mate was no less dried up and weather-beaten than the 
captain, but was mainly noticeable for the familiarity 
with English which he professed. I had a conversation 
with him nearly every day when they were getting ready 
to take their observation of the sun, but all I was ever 
able to draw out of him was, "Ain't they pretty?" — 



GO THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

referring: to the girls aboard— and " mus' go git niv sexton. 
Good-by." 

On the morning of the first day out, which was the 
Sabbath, there were dragged forth fi'oni a special closet 
labeled ''Armeria,'' an altar, some cloths, candlesticks, a 
crucifix, etc., which being set up and arranged in due 
form in the saloon, mass was celebrated by the ship's 
padre. The day was a loveh' one, and it was spent by 
the passengers on the upper deck, where the\^ sunned 
and aired themselves with prodigious gusto. In con- 
formity with a custom of many sapient sea-going folk, 
most of them had brought their own chairs on board 
with them, expecting great comfort and advantage from 
the incumbrance, and they now sat and lolled in supreme 
bliss; but, as is not uncommon in ocean voyages, the 
sittings they v\'ere then enjoying were almost the only 
ones they were able to get out of these appliances till 
they arrived in Europe, for we soon fell into difficulties 
which caused the chairs to be stowed away in a sort of 
caboose among certain parrots who were hung up there 
in tin cages. These parrots were members of the house- 
hold of some of our passengers and were going along 
with the rest of the family to the old country. They 
spoke Spanish fluenth' and with as much accuracy as 
even I did myself, and made a great many remarks sug- 
gested by the novelty of the situation in which they 
found themselves. In the course of the day we were 
refreshed by a glimpse of land, being the island of 
Nassau, and saw an object floating in the distance bear- 
ing a suspicious resemblance to a raft and giving rise to 
melancholy surmises. 

We numbered some seventy or eightv persons, com- 
prising several ladies and children. During the day, in 
default of anything better to do, I endeavored to ingra- 
tiate myself with the parents by teaching two or three 
babies to say Viva Espana/ — my Cuban experience 
leading me to believe that it was a bit of erudition not 
unlikely to stand them in good stead thereafter. While 
I thus trained their intellects, the colored youth who 
officiated as nurse to them took like heed to their bodies ; 
and in order to prepare them for one of the great objects 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 61 

of their future career he inured them to tobacco by dis- 
tending his cheeks with the fumes of cigars of quality 
more awful than any of our oak-leafs, applying his mouth 
to theirs, and inflating them with smoke till it was a 
draw whether they would strangle or burst. Contem- 
plating his proceedings for a long time, it struck me that 
he engaged in them with more relish than trainers of 
youth are wont to have for their labors, and then I be- 
came ov^erwhelmed with the most serious doubts whether 
he were actuated by the motives for their physical im- 
provement I had attributed to him. In fact, I was 
convinced he was doing it for the fun of it — that he was 
perpetrating a joke of the kind called practical upon 
them — a species of amusement which the wise and good 
of all ages have frowned upon as being one of the most 
reprehensible in which our poor, fallen race can indulge. 
Though but remotely pertinent to the matter in hand, 
I am moved to relate here a matter which may prove of 
benefit to some of my readers — for I am one of them 
that love to do good, and do not shirk doing it out of 
season as well as in. What I am going to tell may be 
depended upon as being absolutely true in all essential 
particulars. 

At one period it befell that a startling mvstery over- 
shadowed the citizens of the goodly and enlightened 
town of Lastditch. Divers sober and discreet persons 
reported that in passing their ways by night they had 
beheld in the churchyard of St. Sepulchre's a sheeted 
ghost wandering among the tombs and gibbering on the 
walls — most awful for to see. These reports worked up 
the people mightily. All who were constrained to go by 
St. Sepulchre's did so terror-stricken and sore dismayed, 
and all who could turn aside therefrom turned far aside. 
Thus it went on for a space of time — the papers publish- 
ing authentic narratives of eye-witnesses and the people 
agape with wonder. One night Josiah Goodaig, a citizen 
of courage and vigor, either by reason of inadvertence 
or necessity was wending by the haunted ground. Just 
as he reached the corner of the wall up rose the spec- 
trum, all in white, and gibbering before him — most awful 
for to see. Josiah Goodaig crouched to the earth with 

6* 



G2 



THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 



fear an<] all his courap'e collected in his finger-ends, near 
which there chanced to be half of a brick; and so, nat- 
urally, this he clutched, and leapinij: up heaved it with 
all his might at the S]ioctrum — whereat the spectrum 
evanished, and Josiah Goodaig fled for life. 

Now in Lastditch dwelt a roisterly, jovous ^youth, and 
Emmanuel Funniman was his name. There was also a 
hospital therein, styled the Hospital of the Assassination. 
From the case-book of that institution I transcribe the 
following entry: 



Name itf Patient, 



Emmanuel Funniman. 



Complain t. 



Side caved in. 



Exciting Cause. 



Brickbat. 



Usurpation of the I Bleeding, 
ghostly office and cupp g, 
prerogatives. | leeching, 

blistering, lancing, padding, splinting, bandaging, purgation, salivation, starvation, etc. 

(not space enough on the line for all of it). 



Predifiposiuf] Cause. Treatment. 



In the course of time Emmanuel was restored to his 
originally fine physical condition, except that he had a 
considerable dent in his side and was a litle curved both 
antero-posteriorly and lateralh^, and regained his roisterly 
and joyous frame of mind — only he confined the mani- 
festation of it to verbal expressions, and except at a 
change of the weather, when he would complain of a 
sensation of pins and needles in the hollow of the dent 
and look grum and downcast. He is still frequently to 
be seen on the streets of Lastditch, and can, if he is so 
minded, substantiate the facts here related — though, in 
sooth, he is singularly averse to any mention of the 
subject. 

Let a note be made of this case by all concerned. Of 
a verity it is pregnant with good for somebody. 

In the night following this lovely Sabbath-day the 
weather changed. The wind freshened and the sea 
roughened, and this state of things continued to grow 
worse for the next three days, when it became downright 
tempestuous. And now, in the w^ords of an old nautical 
bard, — . 

" How stormy the winds did blow, 

And tlie ragin' seas did flow ! 
. You'd see the old tars go a-tippin' to the top, 

And the landsmen a-layin' down below." 



OF A DOCTOR OF FlIYSIC. 63 

Our craft rolled about terribly. It was impossible to 
move around, except by the performance of a series of 
difiScult and startling acrobatic feats, while to remain 
still subjected us to submersion and saturation by the 
huge waves that ever and anon surged over us. To eat 
with any satisfaction was out of the question. Plates 
of garlic soup, decanters of dreadfully mean wine, and 
pots of scalding hot and highly-colored coffee were con- 
stantly capsizing into our laps, and our very bread would 
be snatched out of our mouths. The poor waiters, 
obliged to balance the store of solid and liquid victual 
they bore in their hands, were kept posturing equal to 
any gymnasts. Plates and dishes and cups and saucers 
perished by the score. On one occasion a car, used to 
convey these articles from the saloon to the kitchen, 
loaded to its maximum, broke frouj its moorings and 
demolished its contents with a crash which for a mo- 
ment led us to believe that of a surety our hour had 
come. At every roll of the vessel the children bawled 
with terror, and their yells mingling with the howling of 
the tempest and the smash of crockery combined to form 
a scene of appalling grandeur. 

During these dreadful days the majorit_y of the passen- 
gers reposed themselves below in their berths till the ca- 
tastrophe of the crockery-box scared them up, when they 
ranged themselves on the seats on the opposite sides of the 
cabin, where the confronting rows looked at each other 
ominously as the one see-sawed awa}^ down and the 
other see-sawed awav up. A few only who were men 
of proof gathered round the social board, and at times a 
meal had to be pretermitted altogether on account of the 
impossibility of making the table stay set. The parrots 
in their cal)oose grew extremely thoughtful, shook their 
heads, and said never a word. 

To augment the horrors of our situation, that direful 
malady the sea-sickness broke out amongst us, and such 
was its malignancy that in less than two days it was 
epidemic, and nearly every soul of us was laid low by it. 
I myself had some of its premonitory symptoms. My 
appetite was taken from me, and from time to time it 
gave fearful admonitions that it was disposed to "go 



H4 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

back" ou me and deprive me of my former acquisitions; 
but by judiciously takin,<^ an occasional ounce or so of 
preventive I was enabled not only to come off with my 
withers unwrung', but even to triumph superabundantly 
over the miserable retchers who strewed the ship from 
stem to stern. Few things afford more heartfelt joy than 
is experienced by a disinterested spectator as he looks 
upon a victim of this fell disease in full agony, or as he 
notes the ghastly subterfuges and evasions by which 
some strong-minded but weak-stomached sufferer strug- 
gles to conceal the fact that the enemy's grip is heavy 
upon his vitals. All this I enjoyed, but somewhat to 
my discomfort, nevertheless ; for the sounds of their woe 
ascended continually, disturbing my meditations by day, 
and, in conjunction with the shaking I got in my berth, 
effectually breaking up my rest at night ; and, moreover, 
before the epidemic disappeared, the vessel was in little 
better plight than a pig- pen ravaged by hog-cholera. For- 
tunately for our sanitary condition a hogshead or two of 
water would now and then surge down below, washing 
us out and saving us from an otherwise inevitable quar- 
antine, though at the expense of moist beds and of exha- 
lations whose like have not been smelt since the demoli- 
tion of the Augean stables. 

Among our company was the secretary to my lord the 
Bishop of Cuba — a pale and delicate-looking gentleman 
with a melancholy shade upon his face and a black skull- 
cap upon his head, sent out, peradventure, for recreation 
and relaxation. But, God wot, of recreation gat he 
manifold little, though of relaxation he was favored with 
exceeding overmuch abundance. He was one of the 
ver}^ first as well as the very last victims of the pesti- 
lence. He could play excellently well both at cards and 
on the piano, and during the brief spell of fair weather 
he played in both capacities to the satisfaction of all 
concerned. But when the wind began to blow and the 
sea to flow he was played out. He threw up his cards, 
and he threw up his whole stock of eatables, and, with 
the co-operation of the garlic soup which was prescribed 
to him as a stomachic, it really appeared as if he would 
throw up every movable thing within him. His was 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 65 

about the worst case I ever had the pleasure of seeing-, 
and I confess that I felt some compnssion for him. He 
hod a tendency towards reaction, and at one time rallied 
sufficiently even to preach us a sermon and to resume his 
hand at cards; but he was fearfully prone to relapse, and 
his last state was apt to be as bad as his first. The 
tenor of the discourse which he preached, as far as I was 
able to gather it, was that he who is brought low shall 
be exalted ; and he was himself a pregnant commentary 
upon it, for since none of us had been brought lower 
than he had, so none of us were by any means so com- 
pletely " gone up." 

Another conspicuous victim was the youthful colored 
nurse. Retribution came upon him swift and dire for 
his horrible inflation of the innocents, for he was among 
the first and worst who were prostrated by the malady; 
and it was with such satisfaction as the immaculate ex- 
perience when justice overtakes the guilty that I belield 
him on his knees, with the tip of his spinal column and 
the appurtenances thereunto belonging raised at an angle 
of forty-five degrees, and his head poked through a 
hawse-hole, at the point of death. Providence was gra- 
cious to him, and he rallied enough to tumble down 
below, where he remained till near the close of the voy- 
age ; and there, in the course of my wanderings about 
the ship, I occasionally saw him, in his master's state- 
room in the midst of the household, — who, sad to say, 
were but little less afflicted than himself, — sore cast 
down, with his face in a basin ; and sometimes I passed 
him tottering and tumbling along, looking like an i^ frican 
spectre, gaunt and ghastly, and weary of the world. 

Far be from me the presumption of criticising in a 
matter whereof I know little, but it appeared to me that 
the navigation of the ship was conducted without all of 
the advantages afforded by-the modern improvements in 
the art. Every clear morning the mariners on the Gui- 
puzcoa sighted the sun as it rose and marked a line with 
a lead-pencil on the compass-box ; and sometimes made 
some sort of devices on their shirt-sleeves. These 
schemes were intended to circumvent the compass, 
which — in consequence of the variation (which is great 



66 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

in some parts of this course), and because the ship was 
of iron, and the captain had never allowed himself to be 
bothered by such nonsense as having his instruments 
tested and corrected — was disposed to point in any direc- 
tion that suited its convenieuoe ; but l)y the aid of these 
marks, in some mysterious manner, they ^\ere enabled 
to navigate the vessel in full confidence and in bold 
defiance of the magnetic needle. They were also con- 
stantly tinkering with their sextants — showing that there 
was likewise something wrong with this important part 
of a navigator's armamentarium — screwing and unscrew- 
ing them, and blowing into them, and shaking them up 
to make them work. Howbeit, taking such observations 
as happened to turn up and steering by compass-box and 
shirt-sleeves, on we went. 

During the second week the weather improved greatly 
and we had a much more agreeal)le time than we had 
been spending hitherto. The invalids came out of their 
beds, the parrots grew delightfully chatty, and the meals 
bad something like justice done to them. We had un- 
fortunately come away from Havana without our cook, 
who happened to be ashore when we left ; but a deputy 
was sworn into office in his stead, who discharged the 
functions of it very acceptably. Breakfast was served 
at half-past nine o'clock. At this repast we had fish, 
oranges, kidneys, raisins, beefsteak, bananas, peppermint- 
drops, sugar-cakes, Catalan wine, tripe, and many other 
good things — the meal being usually prefaced with garlic 
soup. At one we had lunch, consisting of lemonade 
made of rotten oranges, and emulsion of almonds fla- 
vored with prussic acid. At half-past four came dinner, 
which was much the same as breakfast, except that boiled 
and baked were substituted for fried ; and at half-past 
eight we had tea, coffee, and chocolate, with biscuits 
made of a porous texture to adapt them for sucking up 
the fluids. 

It so chanced that the Lenten season began while we 
were still in mid-ocean ; but after the effectual cleaning 
out we had been subjected to b}^ the sea-sickness there 
was small disposition to its due observance — the coai- 
pany sheltering themselves behind that merciful dispen- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 67 

sation of the church which grants to the traveler a large 
discretion in the matter of eating; and this, too, despite 
the sermon of the secretary of my lord the bishop deliv- 
ered on Ash-Wednesday, in which he inculcated absti- 
nence with great earnestness and painted its blessings in 
glowing colors. He himself, I must state to his credit, 
followed the precepts he laid down to the letter, observ- 
ing the appointed fastings with rigor — being much en- 
couraged in the performance of this pious duty by the 
circumstance that for his soul he could not keep a mouth- 
ful of food on his stomach. 

The day and nearly all the night was passed by the 
majority of the gentlemen in playing cards, and gen- 
erally for money. Their cards were of an outlandish 
pattern, being figured with swords, cups, etc., instead of 
the devices with which we are beguiled ; and the games 
they played were great mysteries. One of our particular 
friends lost some four hundred dollars in gold, and also 
his senses by being slung backwards off bis chair by a 
lurch of the vessel while he was intently studying the 
main chance at three o'clock in the morning. The latter 
item of his losses he gradully regained, but the former 
was flown forever. The ladies sat and looked at the 
gentlemen, jabbered with one another, or twiddled with 
their thumbs ; and my companion and myself contem- 
plated all hands and counted off to a nicety on our fingers 
how many more days there were to be before we would 
see the blessed land. 

As few Americans are fools enough to travel by this 
route we reaped all the benefits which the rarity of the 
event naturally gave rise to, beings treated with the 
highest consideration by the officers of the ship and by 
the passengers. We could not but most favorably con- 
trast the treatment we receiv.ed from these really cour- 
teous people with that which a foreigner generally meets 
with under similar circumstances among Americans or 
Englishmen. Their intercourse with us was not mere 
scraps of formal politeness; they evinced an anxiety to 
oblige us and make us contented. In generous regard 
for our isolated situation they conversed with us by the 
hour (in Spanish), and all hands zealously combining to 



6S llfE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

imbue us with the abstrusities of the lan.ffuage, thev 
patiently caused us to repeat words and phrnses till our 
ton<;'ues were ready to cleave to the roofs of our mouths 
and our jaws were fit to drop. While in Cuba 1 had 
leariied what Spanish was necessary to procure pro- 
visions. This provisional Spanish was all I knew ; but 
this I now bawled out liberally at table. My companion 
relied exclusively upon English in his communications 
with the Spaniards. He asked for whatever he wanted 
in that tongue, and if the waiter failed to comprehend 
him he repeated his demand in tones rising higher and 
higher till they amounted to a stentorian roar, and either 
jarred understanding into the cranium of the waiter or 
else penetrnted into the ears of some distant Anglo- 
Spaniard, who, for politeness' sake or to keep from being 
struck deaf by the racket, would act as interpreter. At 
any rate, he always got what he asked for, and then was 
wont to laugh derisively at the uselessness of my hardly- 
acquired scrapings of the pure Castilian. 

We lightened the time and derived some whiffs of 
joyance from the observation of such of our companions 
as presented any salient points ; but, in fact, the}^ were 
few — the company being made up mostly of plain matter- 
of-fact people, without distinctive traits of character. It 
was not uninteresting to behold the bishop's secretary 
brooding all day long in a corner, from which he never 
moved except with a galvanic spring to relieve the 
weight of woe forever pressing upon his stomach. The 
only other person on board who commanded our special 
attention was a blustering gentleman of the army, as 
bold as he was big. He had one of the attributes per- 
taining to many great men — his appearance showed that 
he was distinct from the common run of mortals; at the 
same time he exhibited a characteristic in which great 
men are apt to be deficient — he was extremely familiar 
with other people. He was stricken in years, and his 
hair was oxidized, though at times it had a vivid polish, 
put upon it either by grease or perspiration, and it was 
sheared short all over except on the sides of his temples, 
where large flat tongues of it were plastered hermetically 
tight against the skin. He shaved now and then, and 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 69 

at such times his face looked morbidly clean and pre- 
sented a most unnatural contrast with the rest of his 
carcass; but in a day it became as rousch and wiry as a 
cotton-card. His voice was harsh and blatant, being, in 
fact, a bray, in which there was less melody than is in 
the fall of a hodful of brick ; and when it was invig- 
orated by the huge quaffs of Catalan wine which 
he boused prodigiously, it suffocated completely every- 
body else's. He wore a pair of lurid-red breeches, and 
a blue coat so beslobbered with gold lace that I esteemed 
him to be some mammoth pillar of the realm till I was 
assured by one well versed in the military insignia of 
Spain that his rank was of the lowest. Notwithstanding 
his ingratiating manners and his endeavors to be sociable 
and agreeable, the pleasure of his society was not greatly 
courted ; nor did I perceive that the odor of sanctity was 
so strong about him that he of all men should have been 
chosen as a candle-bearer in a certain very solemn re- 
ligious rite that had to be performed on the voyage, 
though the padre thought differently. He discharged 
the duty, however, with wonderfully lofty humility, and 
looked as saintly a sinner as could have been selected. 
This buster of a military man, like military men noto- 
riously are. was a profound admirer of the fair sex — his 
admiration being like his person, great but clumsy; and 
his amatory accents were no less grating and thunderous 
than his ordinary utterances. His attentions were assid- 
uous and energetic. On one occasion I beheld him en- 
deavoring to ensconce himself between two ladies, and 
in order to do it he had to climb over the table. It was 
perfectly portentous to see the vast expanse of his lurid- 
red breeches rising gradually in the air, and after rolling 
around come plumping down between the unfortunate 
females, cleaving the twain asunder. One of them 
called him a horrieo so frequently and so emphatically 
that I was induced to look the word out in the dictionary. 
It signifies "jackass." 

By reason of my medical character I had the happiness 
to get on intimate terms with the ship's padre. But as 
what I am going to say about him consists mostly of 
notes intended for the edification of my brethren of the 

7 



VO THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

Faculty of Physic, those of the laity who are uninter- 
ested or squeamish in our honorable but plain-spoken 
science are hereby notified, so that they can skip this 
passage of the narrative. The padre was wretchedly 
diseased with nothinfi;- at all, — a case sufficiently curious 
but by no means infrequent, — and it was his habit to 
consult every physician that came within his power con- 
cerning his malady. But it seemed that there was an 
insuperable difficulty in the way of obtaining the benefit 
of ray valuable counsel, for the only language I dared 
to trust my lips" to utter besides English was French, 
and this he did not understand. In this emergency he 
hit upon the brilliant expedient of addressing me in 
Latin. Now the only Latin that I claimed to have any 
proficiency whatever in was the dialect used by doctors 
in prescribing coloniel, castor oil, salts, etc. — which is of 
a sort that would cause Cicero to die a-laughing to hear 
and drive him clean crazy if he tried to comprehend ; 
and besides, even if I happened to know any of the real 
Roman words, the padre's pronunciation was so different 
from that which I had been taught to use that we would 
still remain unintelligible to one another. But lo, the 
padre took a pencil and wrote what he wished to say on 
a piece of paper; and, wonder of wonders! I was actu- 
ally able to guess what he meant — ay, and I replied in 
kind, and he was able to guess what 1 meant. It was a 
delightful discovery. Before this I would cheerfully 
have sold all my knowledge of the classic language for 
a sugar sixpence, and now here I was conversing afier 
the manner of the poets, and orators, and warriors, and 
the mighty men of the days of old, saying, ''How de 
do?" "Cool to-day," " B'lieve I'll turn in," and other 
delectable things in the grand old Roman way — showing- 
how egregiously 1 had been mistaken when I thought 
that the best years of my life had been wasted in acquir- 
ing this most indispensable language. 

But could I have foreseen what was to befall me I 
should scarcely have been so jubilant over the revival of 
learning ; for as soon as the padre found that communi- 
cation was established between us he spread out his case 
ah initio ad injinitiim usque ad nauseam, and gave me 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. ^l 

no rest, but had me talkina^ Latin day and nig'ht; being 
continually sa^u'gesting doubts for me to resolve and pro- 
pounding queries for me to answer. And besides, there 
are doctrines in medicine which, like certain dogmas in 
religion, are dependent on faith alone for their reception; 
and these, when laid before him, he provokingly insisted 
upon understanding; but which neither his theological 
Latin, nor my medical Latin, nor the classical Latin 
common to both of us availed to clear up to the extent 
of one speck — which was not very surprising, however, 
seeing that the most cogent and copious English cannot 
do it He professed to be afflicted with some kind of 
abdominal trouble or other — a sort of intestine insurrec- 
tion, in which his bowels would rise up and hitch them- 
selves together, to the great discomposure of his body 
and disturbance of his peace of mind ; and he showed 
me the diagnoses and prescriptions of my predecessors, 
which he had forced them to commit to writing, and 
which he carefully preserved for his instruction and 
guidance. However it may be in other matters, in med- 
icine safety does not abide among a multitude of coun- 
selors. . As a matter of course, these opinions were 
terribly discordant, and some of them were rather curi- 
ous. They perplexed the unfortunate subject of them 
beyond measure, but to this perplexity it was due, no 
doubt, that he was spared to consult me ; for, having 
studied them till he had no idea what ailed him or what 
to-do for himself, he had not dared to follow any of the 
directions to their full extent. His last adviser had 
ordered him when he retired to bed to deposit a bladder 
full of shot upon his bowels to weight them down, with 
the assurance that in time their aspiring tendencies would 
be crushed out of them. Seeing that there was sense 
and reason in this, the padre had obeyed the injunction 
faithfully, and lay every night wide awake holding on 
the bladder to keep it from rolling off" and smashing to 
flinders, and in a kind of chronic nightmare from the 
pressure. And now, finding this scheme not as success- 
ful as he could wish, he sought to obfuscate himself yet 
further by procuring my advice. 

The treatment of such cases is usually beset with dif- 



"72 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

ficultics, but I niarle short work with this one — or, at 
least, I tried to do so. I told the padre that his 
bowels niif>;'ht possibly be out of gear, and that if thej 
were, all his other ailments were due to nothing more 
than the synipnlhy of other parts with them. "Darn 
all such sympathy," quoth his reverence in Latin. I 
prescribed twenty grains of blue mass to begin with. 
This was a most unfortunate move, for the padre knew 
nothing in the world about any such substance, and was 
determined to know everything about it before he trusted 
any of it in his inside It booted nothing to translate 
"blue mass" literally into Latin. Raking and scraping 
among the debris of classic lore with which my mind 
was incumbered, I got enough of it together to furnish 
forth an account of the method of manufacture, the uses, 
and the mode of administration of the remedy. But 
unluckily, after I had fully described it with infinite 
labor, all that the padre could be made to understand 
was that it was a preparation of mercury ; and, far more 
unluckily, he did not know and would not believe that 
mercury was given but for one malady in the whole 
nosology, and rose aghast at the idea that I should sup- 
pose a man of his kidney to be afflicted with that. For 
my own sake, therefore, as well as for his, I delved for 
my trunk in the depths of the ship's hold, and brought 
therefrom a portion of the drug in question and gave it 
to him for his examination. Moreover, when by these 
means he was led to express a partial willingness to 
believe that it might possibly possess something of 
virtue, he became tormented with the most agitating 
apprehension of the eflects of such a dose as twenty 
grains ; and so I swallowed a plug of it as big as a bullet 
before his face to demonstrate its innocuousness. By 
the time we had reached this point in our proceedings 
the Guipuzcoa had reached Spain. The consultation 
was obliged to be terminated, and I parted from him 
leaving him anxiously balancing the pros and cons of 
blue mass, and bearing with me the melancholy cer- 
tainty that all I had accomplished for him was only to 
add one more winding to the pathological labyrinth in 
which he was already inextricably involved. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. *\^ 

If our days were rather tame aboard this vessel, our 
nights smacked of vivaciousness. As the shades of 
evening settled down, the cares of the officers seemed to 
be lifted up, and they came into the saloon and roused 
the passengers into jollity. The ship was provided with 
a piano, a little jangled and stridulous from frequent 
pickling with brine, but capable of furnishing very pass- 
able notes under gingerly manipulation, and the ladies 
and gentlemen were accustomed to accompany it with 
the sweet and tender airs that characterize the Spanish 
ballad music; and to its lascivious pleasings we were also 
wont to caper every night, wind and weather permitting. 
Our captain was the master-spirit of the revels. He 
was an ancient mariner on whom tar and salt had done 
their worst, and his custom was to co-operate with the 
piano on the neck of a massive gourd, which he scraped 
and beat upon with a stick with the hand of a master. 
He also was able to scream like a pelican, and had given 
unto him power to laugh similar and equal to any hyena, 
which gifts he kindly exercised for the entertainment of 
the passengers. I' faith, he was a right jocund navi- 
gator — a passing merrisome person, in sooth. Another 
trait in his character, most grateful to sea-sick and doubt- 
ing souls, was that he took in sail when the wind blew; 
and, moreover, he compassionately allowed the men at 
the wheel to lighten their toils by the solace of song. 
Albeit myself the very embodiment of gravity, I was 
hauled up by this frolicsome old functionary and com- 
pelled to display my Terpsichorean skill. The dances 
in vogue were of the Cuban pattern — a sort of solemn 
wiggle, composed of little pitty-pat steps, hard to do and 
very inconsequential when done. Forced to participate, 
I thought it would do no harm to infuse a little anima- 
tion into the performance, and so I spiced it with a few 
extracts from the Old Yirginia Breakdown, and fastening 
a remorseless clutch upon the girls, gave them such a 
squeezing up and shaking down as made them look wild 
for an hour afterwards. 

I have thus described our week-day life on this voyage. 
On Sundays we had mass in the morning whenever the 
vessel was sufficiently steady to suffer the padre to per- 

1* 



74 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

form his genuflections without capsizing. The rest of 
the day was consecrated to gambling, and at night we 
had the usual variety of singing and dancing. 

In this goodly company and amid these diverse scenes 
we spent sixteen days. Early on the morning of the 
12th of February we passed in sight of Santa Maria, the 
soutliernmost of the Azore Islands — the glimpse of land 
thus obtained exhilarating all mightily, and inducing the 
captain that night to dance, sing, scream, laugh, and 
bang on his gourd with most joyful vehemence. What 
added to the gratification of this sight was that it showed 
we were on the right tracli ; and, as the route from St. 
Mary's to Spain was tolerably short and plain, we were 
enabled to head in the proper direction and drive on with 
good assurance of not losing our way. On the 15th, 
when we came out from dinner, lo, there was land again 
— like a cloud on the far-off' horizon. I have not language 
to tell my emotions as I gazed upon it, for that was 
Europe rising before me, and the consummation of the 
wish of many and many a year was now at hand. As 
we neared it, it showed itself to be a bold and striking 
headland, much resembling a Mississippi River bluff". It 
was Cape St. Vincent, dear to every English heart as 
marking the scene of the great naval victory of Jervis 
and Nelson over the Spaniards in 1797. We ran close 
in to it and skirted the shore, and that night I sat up 
late watching the lighthouse on the point and refreshing 
my soul, so long cribbed and cal)ined, with the delicious 
hopes of deliverance that the sight inspired. 

Next morning land had vanished again, but only for a 
time. Soon the Spanish shores reappeared, and soon we 
were in a lovely bay, and before us was sweet Cadiz, 
beautiful and clad in white, reposing on the sea. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIFSTC. ^Q 



CHAPTER VI. 

Of our Landing in Europe, and of the beggarly Reception we met with 
— Of the Fonda de America of Cadiz — Of the City of Cadiz — Of its 
Cathedral — Of the vState of Politics in Cadiz, and how the Patriots of 
that City became involved in Difficulties with the Central Govern- 
ment, and by what Means they gained a happy Issue out of them — • 
Of the fostering of the Tender Passio.i by the Gaditanos, and of the 
surpassing Charms of the Cadiz Ladies. 

All tbe morning there was great commotion on board 
the Giiipuzcoa, for the trunks were being excavated from 
the hold and all hands were engaged in devising ways 
and means of cheating the custom-house. The ship, not 
being able to get to the wharf, was obliged to anchor in 
the bay, and the couimotion was intensified a hundred- 
fold by the arrival of little boats which came off to us in 
multitudes, waiting for our liberation by the officials to 
disembark the passengers. When freedom was pro- 
claimed, the fuss and botheration were distracting. 
Amid the noise and confusion my friend and I saw our 
trunks spirited away, and, dashing headlong after them, 
found ourselves in a boat almost sinking with excess of 
baggage and people. We clung to it, however, and it 
conveyed us safely to the shore. This system of debark- 
ing out in mid-ocean, as it were, and getting to land in a 
sail-boat at the peril of your life and property, is in 
vogue in all the Southern European ports, and an abom- 
inable one it is. 

An immense gathering of Cadiz loafers and dead-beats 
was waiting on the landing-place to receive us, and ap- 
parently the whole guild of beggars had turned out in 
honor of our advent. These beggars were the most per- 
sistent and impudent scamps I ever encountered — their 
manners assimilating them to highway robbers rather 
than to the "poor but respectable" persons they would 
fain be thought. They collared us, and pulled and 
tugged at our garments as if they intended to pull our 
very pockets out. In the mean time we had to maintain 



70 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

a lookout sharper than a serpent's tooth upon the vicis- 
situdes which our trunks were underg'oing. In such 
circumstances a man is not apt to feel very charitable. 
The reverse feeling began to wax hot within us, and 
finding that our tormentors did not comprehend English 
well enough to know what "damn," its congeners, aux- 
iliaries, and augmentatives meant, my friend took his 
cane and I my old cotton umbrella, and by vigorous 
flourishes contrived to gain some surcease of their de- 
monstrations. On the whole, we had a realizing sense 
of what it is to be a stranger in a strange land devoid 
of friends or counselors. We knew not what to say — 
or rather, how to say it — nor what to do. Oar chiefest 
consolation was that our wives were not with us. My 
companion had at times mourned that he had not brought 
his with him, but be was thankful now that he had not ; 
and as for mine — Heaven be praised ! I never had one, 
and wouldn't at this juncture have had one at any price, 
for she would have been fully equivalent to another 
trunk, and it was more than we could do to take care of 
the two we had. What would have become of us is a 
subject of mere conjecture had not an English-jabbering 
hotel-runner delivered us by seizing and rushing us to 
the custom-house. 

The custom-house people were very courteous, and as 
we had, furthermore, cunningly enlisted their gentle- 
manly instincts in our behalf by the judicious arrange- 
ment of our large and not very enticing accumulations 
of dirty linen, they allowed us to pass out of their for- 
midable portals undeflowered. The citizens of Cadiz 
have not yet seen occasion for baggage-wagons, so our 
runner procured us a couple of porters to carry our 
trunks; and under his guidance we trudged on to the 
hotel called Fonda de America, We were welcomed 
with great cordiality by the proprietor and all his staff, 
and put in the best rooms in the house. 

Cadiz is a city of some seventy-two thousand inhabit- 
ants, situated on a tongue of land jutting into the sea, 
which almost surrounds it. The neck connecting it with 
the main-land is very narrow and consequently offers 
such fiicilities to the Gaditanos for cutting themselves off 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. "77 

from the world that they have more than once been 
tempted to shut themselves in and defy outsiders ; but 
where the latter have had control of the water the citizens 
have found that they were in much the predicament of 
a rat in a trap beleaguered by his enemies. It is strongly 
fortified, being inclosed by a granite rampart, which in 
parts is very wide, forming an admirable promenade, 
from which there is a lovely view of the harI)or with its 
shipping, and to seaward an impressive one for such as 
love to solemnize their thoughts by contemplating the 
great ocean. In its general appearance it resembles 
Havana, having the same narrow streets, which possess 
the Bostonian proclivity for all at once splitting in two 
and coming to an untimely end. By reason of their con- 
tracted character these streets enjoy the execrable power 
of concentrating sounds and making them cavernous and 
sepulchral in their resonance ; and they are made per- 
fectly hideous by the howls of the peripatetic purveyors 
of fish, eggs, and charcoal. I never will believe that 
mortal man elsewhere ever was cursed with such out- 
rageous, diabolical, ear-splitting, gall-bursting vocal 
organs as these perambulators glory in exercising; in 
comparison, the bellowing of bulls, the braying of asses, 
the filing of saws, are attuned to heavenly harmonies. 

Tiie buildings are mostly tall and white, with the lower 
windows grated and the upper ones balconied. The town 
is one of the cleanest I ever saw, and there is a neatness 
of look about it quite attractive. Still there is a certain 
gloominess pervading it, arising from a feeling of con- 
striction and confinement which the narrowness of its 
thoroughfares renders very perceptible to a person accus- 
tomed to wide ones. The people are of solemn mien 
and wonderfully addicted to the wearing of cloaks, and 
the favorite color of their umbrellas is red. What they 
do for a livelihood I was not able to ascertain. There 
was no'indication that they do anything. It may not be 
altogether irrational to surmise, inasmuch as the church- 
bells were on the ring almost incessantly during our stay 
among them, that " prayer's all their business, all their 
pleasure praise." The most flourishing craft decidedly 
was priestcraft. I encountered members of this fraternity 



78 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

everywhere, from rosy morn till some time after dewy 
eve, whipping along in their distinctive toggery of black 
robe cut free and easy, and a hat which it is a detraction 
from the personal appearance of a useful though perhaps 
not over-comely piece of hardware to call "shovel." 
Some of their reverences who were young, had their 
clothes new, and wore them with as much style as their 
impracticable fashion permitted ; many of the elderly 
brethren, however, were careless of dress, and their 
robes looked frowzy and their hats looked seedy. 

Our hotel, the Fonda de America, derived its name 
from the fact that its system of management was not 
Spanish but French. It was a small establishment, but 
a good one ; in fact, in the matter of its table it pleased 
me better than any I stopped at in Europe. For its size 
it was somewhat expensive to keep, for in addition to the 
other outlays the landlord had to pay four dollars a day 
house-rent and six hundred dollars a year taxes; and, as 
it was rather indifferently patronized, 1 judge it was not 
very remunerative. On some days we were the only 
lodgers, and at these times we lost our appetites with 
apprehension of the probable amount of our bills. In 
this hotel they spoke every language under heaven — 
after a fashion ; and to conform with them we did the 
same — after a fashion. To accommodate the division of 
political sentiment rife in the community there, were two 
dining-rooms — one, the larger and better, furnished with 
a number of little tables, for the republican eaters, and 
another, with a single long table, for the monarchists, — it 
being thought injudicious to hazard a promiscuous gath- 
ering where cutlery abounded. This long table I noted 
particularly and found it forever on the set, with vases 
of flowers and pyramids of oranges and plates of fruit 
and nuts invitingly displayed, but never saw a guest at 
any time partaking of its bounty; whence I drew the 
inference that the monarchical faction had either died or 
been killed out, or that they were accustomed to feed 
under cover of the night from dread of the righteous 
indignation of the republican party. 

The proprietor of the Fonda de America spent the 
most of his time in figuring at his accounts in the en- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 79 

deavov to strike something like a balance between his 
income and his outgo; in the intervals of respite from 
this, assisted by his staff", he stood on the brink of a 
chasm in the floor of the office and peered fixedly into a 
vast cistern made in the cellar to hold drinking-water, 
and with which cistern there was something or other 
wrong. All the attaches of the hotel were singularly 
courteous and polite, and the chambermaid captivatingly 
so. I used to pass her every morning while she was 
washing off the steps, and nothing could exceed the 
grace with which she would jump up from her knees, 
wave her scouring-rag, and greet me. She would almost 
shake to pieces in deprecation when we sought to spare 
her any little service that it was her province to perform, 
and it was charming to witness the energy with which 
she projected her forefingers at us when seeking to con- 
vey an idea into our uncomprehending minds — a not 
uncommon trick with Spaniards under like circumstances, 
who think, doubtless, that in this way they can job their 
meaning into a man's skull like so much putty into an 
auger-hole. I was so affected by her manner that I 
put myself to learning two or three of the most ex- 
pressive forms of salutation in order to reciprocate her 
politeness. 

Notwithstanding all I have said in commendation of 
the Fonda de America, there were numerous objections 
to it — so numerous, indeed, as to be beyond enumeration ; 
they were its fleas. Looking back by the light of ex- 
perience I find that when we set foot in Cadiz we had 
entered the borders of the fatherland of fleas, and never 
got out of it till we reached Marseilles. At first they 
were more merciful to me than I had any right to expect, 
while the3^ were unrelenting towards my companion. In 
time we were treated with a just impartiality, but at the 
last our relative inflictions were reversed — he was let off 
with the abstraction of a few mouthfuls while I was de- 
voured alive. Those domiciled in this fonda I esteem to 
be the finest in all Andalusia, and so potent were they 
that for a time they enabled my companion to dispense 
with the counter-irritant lotions with which he was wont 
to anoint himself 



80 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

Cadiz possesses l)ut few sights. The principal one is 
the Cathedral. Though I afterwards saw others more 
magnificent than this and many persons consider it 
rather an indifferent edifice, yet, as it was the first Euro- 
pean cathedral I visited, it made a pleasing impression 
upon me, which I still retain. There is the solemnizing 
effect about it which is inseparable from the massive 
pillar and lofty arch which enter into its architecture. 
It is adorned by a few pictures, which are not thought a 
great deal of by connoisseurs, and it has several chapels, 
not very richly furnished ; but there are numbers of wooden 
saints and apostles which enlist attention by the skillful- 
ness and elaborateness of the carving. Here, in the choir, 
as in other cathedrals, the holy brotherhood are wont to 
assemble at stated hours every day and chant praises, 
prayers, and thanksgivings, in which they are aided and 
abetted by a band of little boys in girls' clothes of a red 
or black frock and white josey ; and it is not an altogether 
ungrateful discord to hear the roars and grunts of the 
old folks mingling with the bleats and blares of child- 
hood. These ministering children, I fear me, are not as 
reverent nor as free from hankering after the beggarly 
elements of the world as beseems their function. One 
big child, about eighteen years old, dogged me all over 
the church with piteous entreaties for a cuarto (half a 
cent); and a small one, who with the quickness of youth 
had assimilated some English words, bade me " Goo' 
morndin," and in ihe very act of paying his adorations 
to the high altar solicited my pecuniary commiseration 
of his necessities. 

The beggars, whom we encountered en masse when 
we landed, 1 afterwards continually met in detail when- 
ever and wherever I walked. Whether the Father of 
Deceit had blinded them with that most preposterous of 
all delusions, that I was a foreigner of opulence, or 
whether they were attracted by that beaming benevo- 
lence that bristles all over me, I do not know ; but as 
soon as I stepped out of m\'' hotel they began to gather 
about me, and when I returned it was generally with a 
full retinue. It would have been a sight of unquencha- 
ble delectation to my friends could they have seen me 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 81 

sauntering along the streets of Cadiz with my pipe in 
my mouth, and adorned with all that dignity and decorum 
which I so well know how to assume, enveloped with 
ragamuffins of all sizes, sexes, and sorts, smiling upon 
them, laughing with them, and treating them with the 
utmost urbanity and good-feeling, and never giving them 
a cent. 

We were hardly settled in the town before we were 
pushed into the current of the local politics. The hotel- 
runner, who was a Russian filled with love of liberty and 
panting for the elective franchise, instructed us and fired 
our hearts, lie was of the most ardent stripe of politi- 
cians, having already shut the mouths of two of his oppo- 
nents, the monarchists, with an ounce of lead apiece, and 
longed and prayed for an opportunity to repeat the 
operation on others. He vibrated several times during 
our stay back and forth from despair to ecstasy as the 
prospect for an internecine war in the streets brightened 
and waned. Cadiz, and indeed all Andalusia, was over- 
whelmingly and vehemently republican, and discreet 
monarchists compelled to tarry within its borders set 
their houses in order, knowing perfectly well what a day 
might bring forth. As the central government was not 
unjustly suspected to squint strongly towards the estab- 
lishment of a monarchy, it and the people of this region 
regarded each other with mutual distrust; and when, 
some two months before our arrival, the former in its 
paternal generosity kindly offered to relieve the latter of 
the bother of bearing and the trouble of taking care of 
arms, the latter declined the relief tendered. At this the 
central government becoming vexed put forth the paternal 
authority and demanded the arms, and then the patriots 
of Cadiz, including our Russian, rose up and indignantly 
refused to surrender them. 

Implicit confidence was felt in the efficacy of the master- 
stroke of cutting themselves off from the mainland ; but 
the government had forestalled this by taking possession 
of the isthmus and putting a garrison in the town. Be- 
sides, they sent a fleet to beleaguer it by sea. In the 
face of established Spanish precedent in dealing with 
refractory people, the citizens were asked to yield before 

8 



82 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

being annihilated, and were actually given time to con- 
sider the matter. All the persons of means and respecta- 
bility took advantage of the delay to pack up what 
movables they could and flee inland. The road was filled 
with men, women, and children, and household gods, in 
carts, on donkeys, and on foot ; but the true patriots, 
again including our Russian, undismayed by the pass to 
which things had come, erected barricades, dodged behind 
windows, and ascended to the housetops, determined to 
strike one lick at all events. 

Mobs of all nations, and even regularly organized 
bodies of the people of some, are marvelously incredulous 
of the occurrence of a perfectly patent result till they see 
it happen. It is this characteristic which has so often 
led the Poles and Hungarians and Irish, the moment they 
begin to react from a prostrating blow, to make another 
eifort, — frittering away what little strength they have 
regained, instead of patiently waiting till they have ac- 
cumulated enough of it to be available. This incredulous 
spirit animated the patriots of Cadiz on the occasion in 
question. They could not realize the certainty that if the 
affair came to the arbitrament of arms, they would be 
overwhelmingly defeated and the city battered down, but 
resolved to try the hazard of the issue with a heroism 
which would have been near the standard of Greek or 
Roman praise had an}'' of them owned a cent's worth of 
the property they magnanimously proposed to stake. We 
must not withhold from them the merit of personal 
bravery, for they were fully determined to stand the first 
volley, and then do as the gallant irregulars have ever 
done — run away, or perish in the attempt. Indeed, the 
fervor of some of them led to a preliminary skirmish with 
a body of the government troops, and I saw two or three 
houses smartly spluttered with bullet marks, which testi- 
fied to a vigorous fusillade against the upper windows. 

While affairs were rapidly approaching a crisis, the 
apartments of the American consul were being crammed 
Mnth persons seeking the protection of the American flag, 
• — which, rebel though some folks think me, I don't mind 
owning it gives me some pleasure to know is regarded as 
a potent talisman in other countries besides the United 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSW. 83 

States, — and that fanctionary began to find himself 
smothering' under the pressure of the supplicants. Con- 
siderations of personal salvation, if nothing else, made it 
imperative upon him to attempt some solution of the 
question. Laying hold of his banner he lifted it on high, 
and boldly marched to the barricades of the patriots. He 
and his gridiron were receiv^ed with tremendous cheers of 
welcome, and being courteously pulled over to the inside 
of the works he was at once granted an audience with the 
leaders. In the conference he proposed as a basis of 
settlement, that instead of surrendering their arms to the 
government as was demanded, which was an ignominy 
they could not be expected to submit to, they should 
surrender them to him, and he would deliver them to the 
government himself. This singularly ingenious compro- 
mise, alike honorable to both parties, was immediately 
accepted, — but with the distinct understanding that it was 
not done from any fear of the accidental effusion of blood, 
nor to avoid the useless destruction of other people's 
property, but entirely out of regard and affection for their 
revered exemplar, the great Republic of the West. In 
obedience to this arrangement the arms were given to 
our consul, he gave them to the government, and they 
took excellent care of them ; and thus peace was re-estab- 
lished in Cadiz. 

It appears from the records that the people of Cadiz 
have always been of an amatory cast. Some of the 
Roman writers mention this trait ; and Byron, an admir- 
able authority on the subject, dwells upon it. Prom my 
own observations, I am constrained to think that the 
characteristic still applies. " The dark-eyed Girl of 
Cadiz " who tickled his lordship so hugely when he was 
in these parts, has left behind her a progeny worthy of 
their captivating predecessor. I am notoriously cool and 
cautious in these matters, and hence my assertion ought 
to have no common weight when I affirm that the ladies 
of this town are not bad-looking. They know it, too, as 
appears by the fact that they have an inordinate propen- 
sity for prowling around and showing themselves. In 
Andalusia almost every young woman is handsome ; not 
like it is in other countries, here beauty is the rule, plain- 



84 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

ness the rare exception. Their complexion is olive, not 
dark enoug'h to bide but sufficiently to temper most 
delectably the ruddy tinge that mantles in their cheeks. 
Their hair is black and glossy and their eyes black and 
sparkling. They are short in stature and of a most 
agreeable dumpiness of form, being an exact and com- 
fortable armful. In movement they are distractingly 
graceful. Above all, they have no false modesty, nor 
any cumbersome amount of the true, so that an admiring 
soul can gaze upon them without that chilling f(^ar of big 
brothers which so cripples the affections in this land of 
ours. But, unfortunately, lovely as they are, they are 
sadly ignorant, not knowing the simplest rudiments of 
English grammar — a deplorable circumstance, grievously 
diminishing the pleasure they were otherwise so well 
fitted to bestow. 

What I say of the charms of the Spanish ladies applies 
to them only while they are young; when they become 
old, the contrast is heart-rending. There is then a perfect 
smash of their good points, and Father Time, not satis- 
fied with flindering their features, erects upon the ruins 
a structure the direct opposite of what shone there so 
gloriou.sly in their youth. Nowhere have I ever seen 
young women so bewitching; nowhere old ones so — so 
— well, retaining so much of the witch still. 

I was very forcibly struck with the rare courtesy dis- 
played by the ladies of Cadiz towards strangers — in 
evidence of which I must relate a little incident. While 
taking my usual saunter one morning, I suddenly heard a 
female voice exclaiming, in gentle tones, " Oh, monsieur, 
monsieur, monsieur; come in, come in, come in ; come in, 
monsieur, come in." Now I am none of your conceited 
young men, quick to infer that every woman's speech con- 
cerns me ; and having always been treated with marked 
contempt by the sex am slow tomake apersonal application 
of any benevolent expression they may let fall ; wherefore 
I went steadily on. The invitation had been given in very 
fair English and now it was repeated in French, and this 
time in a manner which admitted of no doubt that it was 
intended for me. Turning my head and looking up I 
beheld two lovely ladies at a window, who having at 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 85 

length attracted mj attention, expressed both by words 
and actions the most hospitable feelings towards me. 
The sincerity of their desire to welcome me under their 
roof was beyond all cavil, and it was impossible for me 
not to be moved by this unwonted mark of esteem. Un- 
fortunately, I chanced to be smoking, and being a person 
of the most rigid notions of decorum, the bare idea of 
taking a pipe into the presence of ladies shocked me to 
the heart — at the same time my regard for good tobacco 
is not an iota less strong than for etiquette. Under the 
circumstances, therefore, I felt constrained to decline with 
many apologies this flattering invitation ; but to show 
my sense of their very great civility, I informed them 
that I would do myself the honor of calling that evening, 
and so with mutual benedictions we separated. Most 
unluckily, that very afternoon we departed from Cadiz, and 
my promise had to go unfulfilled. Of course I cannot 
fairly claim that all the ladies of this city manifest this 
courteousness in quite as active and outspoken a form as 
these did. It is possible that these were made exception- 
ally hospitable by propinquity to the Cathedral, for their 
habitation was almost under the eaves of the sacred 
edifice, and by the great advantages they enjoyed for 
communion with the holy brotherhood officiating there. 

In respect of the fitness of Cadiz as a winter residence 
for invalids, I should judge that its completely exposed 
situation would make it unsuitable. According to that 
delusive criterion the " mean temperature " it is superior 
to any place on the European shore of the Mediterranean ; 
but there is full sweep for every wind that chooses to blow 
upon it, and hence it is subject to sudden vicissitudes of 
weather, which is one of the worst characteristics that can 
afiiict a climate. Rains, too, are frequent, though they 
are usually not heavy nor prolonged. We were there 
during the last two weeks of February, exclusive of four 
days in Seville. For the first week the weather was 
variable, with two or three days, not consecutive, very 
fine ; while the intervening ones were cool, and at times 
cold, with occasional rain. For the last week the weather 
was uniformly pleasant. Although I cannot recommend 
Cadiz to the invalid aa a permanent stopping-place, a 

8* 



86 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

visit to it could do him no harm, but, on the contrary, 
would most probably prove to be both agreeable and 
beneficial — and, indeed, in my opinion, when the circum- 
stances of his case will permit it, he will find a brief stay 
in several places to be more advantageous than a length- 
ened sojourn in any one of them. 



CHAPTER YII. 



Containing some Account of Railroad Economics in Spain — of the City 
of Seville, the Character of its Inhabitants and its Commercial Status, 
Present and Prospective — of the Cathedral, the Alcazar, the House of 
Pilate, the Paintings, and the Tobacco Factory, and of the ruined 
City of Italica. 

Although the state of my companion's health inclined 
him to remain to the southward at this season of the 
3^ear, he ye't felt that it would be a sin and a shame to be 
so near Seville and not go to it. Accordingly, he deter- 
mined to venture that far north even at the risk of his 
life. As it was to be merely an excursion, we left our 
heavy baggage in the care of the Fonda de America and 
took only our carpet-bags. There were two routes open 
to us — by steamer or b}^ rail. We preferred the former, 
wishing to see the river scenery on the Guadalquivir, but 
being told that nobody but market folks patronized that 
line, and that the boat had no accommodations for artistic 
tourists, and was, besides, absolutely dependent on wind 
and weather, and, moreover, never scrupled to stop any- 
where for any length of time where there was a chance 
of turning a penny or so in the retail fish business, we 
concluded to take the railroad. We purchased our tickets 
— receiving a brass outlandish coin in change instead of 
a gold one, which Ave did not detect till we reached 
Seville, and which the ticket-seller could not identify on 
presentation when we returned — and got aboard the 
train. 

The cars here are fitted up in the fashion of our hacks. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 87 

with linen- covered seats facing one another, slings to 
hang your arms in, and window-frames that pull up by 
means of long straps. In these you are securely fastened 
for weal or for woe till you arrive at a station, when 
you are temporarily set at liberty; and if you should 
perchance yearn for a drink of water you can occasionally 
get it at some of the stopping-places for a cent and a 
quarter a glass. This system of railroading is general 
in Europe, — a system which, thanks to our enlightened 
republican institutions, has never obtained a foothold in 
our happy land. The locomotives are of the old exploded 
pattern, resembling a saw-mill on wheels, with a stove- 
pipe for a smoke-stack, and with the working- gear out of 
sight, and their whistles are of the most powerful feeble- 
ness. The conductor traverses a narrow gangway on 
the outside of the train, poking his head into the windows 
to collect the tickets, and his manners are fascinatingly 
polite. With a most graceful bow he takes the tickets, 
punches a hole through them with extreme obsequious- 
ness, and tears himself away with " Felicity to you, 
gentlemen." It is truly delightful to have to commune 
with so sweet-tempered and pleasant-spoken an official. 

The first objects that attract the attention outside of 
Cadiz are numerous pyramids of salt ; for this is a great 
salt-making region. A few miles farther and we come to 
San Fernando, whose citizens are furious fliers of kites. 
The next station is Port St. Mary, a town of some size, 
whence is procured the water which supplies Cadiz ; but, 
notwithstanding this fact, the commodity is as dear here 
as anywhere else, maintaining its maximum price of a 
cent and a quarter a glass. The only other important 
place before reaching Seville is Xeres, a large and finely 
situated town, famous as the depot for sherry wine. 
Along this route the country appears to be rich and the 
soil is evidently most fertile. Olive-trees are abundant, 
and if the Spaniards are indeed lazy agriculturists, as has 
been charged against them, it is not very perceptible 
hereabouts, for this region bears unmistakable marks of 
thrift and good culture. 

Our observations on these points were mostly made in 
returning from Seville, for the cars are timed in such a 



88 TEE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

manner as to reach the city late at nig-ht ; so that at this 
period of the year the view is shut off about the middle of 
the journey. The railway time-tables of Spain are made 
not for a period but for all time. The sun, moon, and 
stars in their rising and setting may vary with the sea- 
sons, but not so they ; the schedule once arranged it 
remains thus forever after. The Spaniard of to-day 
comes and goes at the hours that his father did before 
him, and whoever procures a Railroad Guide of the pres- 
ent epoch may bequeath it to his posterity, assured that 
it will retain its pristine usefulness to the remotest 
generations. 

Debarking at Seville, with considerable effort we 
scraped together sufficient Spanish to get ourselves de- 
posited in a sort of box and drawn to the Hotel de 
Londres — a pretty fair inn, where they give you mos- 
quitoes in place of the fleas that are furnished at Cadiz. 
Their coffee, however, needed tonics, and we would have 
liked the establishment better had they changed the table- 
napkins oftener than Stonewall Jackson did his shirt. 

Seville is a city of about a hundred and twenty thou- 
sand inhabitants. It is situated in the midst of a rich and 
beautiful plain on the banks of the Guadalquivir River — 
a stream not very large nor overcrowded with shipping. 
Its history goes far back, and its associations are numer- 
ous and of the most interesting character. The Phoenician, 
the Roman, the Goth, and the Moor have combined to 
make its story. Their impress is on it still, and the 
observant traveler as he notes the traces they have left 
behind them is irresistibly led to moralize upon the vicis- 
situdes it has undergone. As for me, there is no city 
which has so excited my mind to sober but not unpleasing 
reflection, and I shall always regard my visit to it as one 
of the fortunate events of my life. 

The houses of Seville are in the peculiar massive but 
ornate style of Spanish architecture, with balconied win- 
dows or miradors, and are generall}'^ rather handsome. The 
city possesses an assemblage of winding streets, nearly 
five hundred in number, which are sufficiently narrow, 
and laid out after a pattern abstruse enough to mystify a 
Philadelphia lawyer. Along them patter a multitude of 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 89 

female creatures most lovely to behold, who glance at 
jou to your extreme peril, and sometimes even wink in a 
manner calculated to deceive the very elect. At night 
the principal thoroughfares are crowded with pedestrians, 
who as they go babbling along furnish a very animated 
picture. Then "young-eyed Lewdness walks her midnight 
rounds," and at such times in making my solitary prowls., 
often would my musings on the Phoenicians, Romans, 
Goths, and Moors, above alluded to, be incontinently dis- 
solved into a vision of New York. 

Along these streets patter also, cheek-by-jowl with the 
ladies, a multitude of jolly little A ndalusian jackasses, which 
are the medium oft he carrying trade, wheeled conveyances 
being rare. The owners of these active little fellows load 
them till they are out of sight, and then jumping on ride all 
over them, from the tip of their tails to the tip of their noses. 
The animals are wonderfully obedient and straightforward, 
pursuing the direct tenor of the way the master sets 
them, and turning neither to the right nor to the left for 
any obstructing footman ; so that disastrous collisions 
with oil and charcoal, and eggs and wine, would be immi- 
nent but for the admonitory shriek of dismay which the 
driver wails forth when the quadruped is trying to per- 
forate a pedestrian. 

A great deal of business is done in Seville in wine, oil, 
and oranges; but when I was there times were hard, the 
people complaining especially of the intolerable advance 
in liquor, which had gone up no less than one hundred 
per cent. — being then two cents a drink. It is painfully 
evident that the sceptre of commercial greatness, which 
Seville held under the Moorish domination and again just 
subsequent to the discovery of Ameiica, has fallen from 
her hands. We met with the sole manufacturer of the 
only genuine celebrated " J. C." licorice, who dwells here, 
— a pleasant encounter, for my companion had used much 
of his product in preparing tobacco, and I had been an 
enthusiastic sucker of it before 

" Time reft whate'er my soul enjoy'd, 
And with the ills of Eld the sweets of Youth alloy'd," — 

and he told us sadly and bitterly how deploi-ably the 



90 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

sales of that standard article had diminished. We would 
fain have consoled him by accounting for the diminution 
on the ground that the great progress which chemical 
science has made in America enables our people to manu- 
facture the best of licorice out of molasses ; so that it is 
only the old fogy tobacconists who now use the imported 
sort. lie had not heard of this scientific fact, and retired 
from the interview overflowing with admiration of the 
capacity of our people and in despair at what it boded to 
the "J. C." As it is with licorice, so it is with other of 
their productions. They do not advance with the times, 
and, ignorant how art can be made to supplant nature, 
they allow other countries to surpass them in their own 
specialties. It is so with wine, more of which can be 
made in a New York cellar by our improved appliances 
in a day than by their tardy and antiquated processes 
they can get from all their vineyards in a year. Recent 
results obtained with soap-grease give reason for think- 
ing that a fatal blow is impending over their oil, and 
when, at uo distant day, oranges are made by machinery 
from old rags and decayed vinegar, they will be done 
for. 

To see the sights of Seville to advantage it is necessary 
to have a guide. I attempted to " do" them on my own 
responsibility, but with bad success. Why or how it is 
— whether I am to congratulate myself as possessing the 
most winning of looks, or whether I am to bemoan my- 
self as presenting the greenest of aspects, — truly I wist 
not, but certain it is that no sooner did I descend upon 
Spain than I became the rallying-point for all the vaga- 
bonds who caught sight of me. I had hardly ventured 
out of the shadow of the Hotel de Londres before I was 
clamped by the seediest-looking villain I ever beheld, 
wlio offered to be my cicerone. The only decent habili- 
ments he had on were a pair of boots, — one with no 
bottom and the other with no top, — and for his salvation 
it was impossible for him to speak a word of English. I 
have a kind of fellow-feeling for poverty and he intuitively 
detected it; so he ruthlessly disgraced me with his com- 
pany in spite of all my feebly forcible hints, till I fortu- 
nately met with my companion out for an airing, who flatly 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 91 

refused to go a step till I had dismissed my "friend," — 
as I was mightily mortified to hear him termed, It was 
hard to do this, the most strenuous verbal efforts accom- 
plishing nothing whatever, and it was only by the tour de 
force of dodging into breakfast that I effected it. After 
this we procured a genuine and gentlemanly guide, better 
looking and better dressed than either of us, and went the 
rounds. 

The first place we visited was the Cathedral. Of 
this far-famed structui'e no adequate conception can be 
obtained but by the sight of it. It is a vast quadrangular 
building of massive, elaborate, and diverse architecture, 
erected on a site where originally stood a temple of Venus. 
This was transformed into a Christian church and followed 
by a mosque, which being burned by an invader was suc- 
ceeded by another mosque ; and this in turn has made 
way for the present temple — requiring hundreds of years, 
and labor and money incalculable, to develop it to its 
present majestic form. The exterior, though not altogether 
devoid of beauty, is eflective rather from its irregularities 
of style and the rubs and dints which the hand of time 
has dealt upon it. Within arises column after column of 
vast proportions, with broad aisles between, sustaining- 
lofty arches of noble workmanship ; and the light comes 
dimly in through stained windows depicting religious 
subjects — among the finest specimens of painting on glass 
that have ever been produced. Here are numerous 
chapels magnificently adorned, and sacred utensils, chal- 
ices, crosses, and crucifixes, works in gold and silver and 
precious stones, of incalculable value. One of the chapels 
is inclosed with a railing of pure silver. There are 
carvings in wood representing Scripture scenes, so 
elaborately done that it tires the imagination to conceive 
the patient labor it must have required to execute them; 
while all around are paintings which are esteemed as 
treasures all the world over wherever art is cultivated. 
And here have mouldered and are mouldering into dust 
the bodies of men and women mighty and powerful cen- 
turies ago. In one of the chapels is interred King San 
Fernando v\'ho wrested this city from the infidels, and 
there I read in antiquated Latin the panegyrics on the 



92 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

tombs of Alfonso the Learned, bis son, and Beatrice his 
wife, who went the way of all the earth many and many 
a day Ion,!": <i^one. In this same chapel the fair and un- 
fortunate Maria de Padilla rests secure from the perse- 
cutions of her lover the cruel Don Pedro. But to me, as 
an American, the most interesting- of all these monuments 
to the departed was the simple slab in the floor of the 
Cathedral over the grave of Hernando, son of Columbus. 
Upon it is a long inscription, a part of which is the 
celebrated dictum, "To Castile and Leon Columbus gave 
a new world;" and it is accompanied by I'epresentations 
of the peculiar-shaped little vessels by which was effected, 
the discovery of America. I feel that I can convey but a 
poor idea of this perhaps the noblest fane ever erected by 
man for the worship of the Creator. To me it is far more 
pleasing than St. Peter's, and I cherish it as a darling 
reminiscence of my European experiences. It is, indeed, 
a grand and solemn temple ; and bigoted and insensitive 
must be he who, whatever his creed, can linger in its 
venerable precincts without finding his soul stirred by 
some passing thrill of adoration. Even my companion, 
as matter-ot-fact a traveler as needs to be, with the 
rheumatism staring at him bodil}^ from the cold marble 
pavement, was touched and remained till he got a little 
chilly. 

Incorporated with the Cathedral is the Giralda — the 
muezzin tower of one of the former mosques. It has 
stood the wear and tear of time for near seven hundred 
years, having been erected in 1196, and yet remains a per- 
fect, beautiful, and curious specimen of Moorish archi- 
tecture. It rises to the very effective height of three 
hundred and fifty feet, and is surmounted by a rather 
heavy weathercock of twenty-eight hundred pounds 
weight. In the base of it there dwells an interesting 
family. The top is reached not by the abominable device 
of a winding stairway, but by a commodious brick walk 
rising gently along each of the four sides, so that the 
ascent can be made with very little fatigue. When I 
ascended it I passed through the interesting family, part 
of whom were frying meat for the family breakfast, part 
washing the family clothes, and part rocking the family 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 93 

babj. I was lost among them for awhile, but thej put 
me on the right track, and I pursued niv course leisurely, 
ever and anon stopping at the windows to contemplate 
the prospect, till I was about three-fourths of the way up, 
when I was rather startled to see a door in the core of 
the tower pop open and an old lady pop out with a 
broom. This good dame I opine to be the sweeper of 
the Giralda; she had a well-furnished apartment, and 
was brisk and active despite her high living. Progress- 
ing, I finally attained the loftiest practicable point, and 
was rewarded by a scene full of grandeur, and beauty, 
and vertigo. Nothing could be more delectable than the 
view I enjoyed from this sublime perch, albeit somewhat 
marred by the moral certainty I M^as under the whole 
time I was thus perched that the entire concern was 
tumbling over with me. While inspecting the numerous 
bells that hung around, the bell ringers came to perform 
their everlastingly-recurring function. They were one 
man and one boy, and did their duty manfully, with 
many a gymnastic jump and jerk, keeping all the bells 
going simultaneously; and the ding they made up there 
was awful. Finding my reason fleeing me, I descended 
to terra firma. 

Next to the Cathedral in interest comes the Alcazar — 
the palace of the old Moorish kings, and likewise dignified 
or disgraced by being the residence of several of the 
Spanish monarchs. Here Don Pedro, a fellow who 
appears to have figured pretty largely almost every- 
where in this region, played many of his pranks; and 
here the Emperor Charles V. was married. It is a mag- 
nificent example of what the Moors could do, but it has 
been nearly ruined by " improvements." Many portions 
of it have been repainted, regilded, and retiled, by way 
of restoration to its primal gorgeousness, some of which 
operations have been done well and others outrageously, 
the general result being to deteriorate the effect by re- 
placing the air of antiquity, which is the great charm of 
such a place, by an obtrusive freshness suggestive of a 
brand-new establishment. It would be tedious to merely 
describe all that is sufficiently interesting when looked at. 
One of the noted portions of it is that called " The Hall 

9 



94 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

of tlie Maidens" — so called, according' to our guide, 
because here were every year brought a hundred virgins, 
from among whom the Icing was empowered to select as 
many as he thought he could manage. It is a magnifi- 
cent court, enriched with the delicate and prankish work 
peculiar to Moorish ornamentation, and embellished with 
no less than fifty-two marble columns. By direction of 
the guide we sat down where old Abdul-Azis used to sit 
when making his selection, and pondered. My com- 
panion was married, and what his thoughts were I do 
not presume to divine. I am still spared to myself, and 
my thoughts, I must honestly confess, had rather a wist- 
ful leaning towards "the good old times." 

We next saw the bed-chamber of Charles V., and the 
seraglio of the Moorish potentates, and many other 
apartments interesting from their historical associations 
and beautifully adorned with arabesques and tracery- 
work and Arabic inscriptions worked in mosaic. Un- 
derneath, in the cellar as it were, is the old bathing-tub — 
a most commodious affair — in which the Infidel, and after 
them the Christian, ladies were wont to perform their 
ablutions. Here tlie lady Mary de Padilla used to bathe, 
and it is stated that our old friend Don Pedro and his 
gang would be on hand to see the operation, and that it 
was held to be a piece of high gallantry to take a drink 
of the wash-water; and it is further stated that on one 
occasion one of this honorable body declined to partake 
to the scandal and indignation of all the beholders, but 
was accounted excusable when he assigned as his reason 
that "if the sauce should prove good be might want a 
taste of the bird." 

The gardens attached to the Alcazar are not the least 
beautiful portion of it. Under the walks are subterra- 
nean fountains made to play through the crevices of the 
bricks in a multitude of little streams. The aforesaid 
Pedro was accustomed to beguile his lady visitors into 
these walks and then turn on the water — a most joyful 
and right royal amusement. The gardener set the fount- 
ains at work for our better understanding of the modus 
operayidi, and we were satisfied that it must have been 
glorious fun. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 95 

One of the places which a stranger in Seville who falls 
under the yoke of a guide is required to see is the so- 
called House of Pilate. One of the progenitors of the 
Duke of Medina Celi, returning from the Holy Land, 
conceived the idea of constructing a fac-simile of the 
house occupied by Pilate when governor of Judea, and 
this is the fruit of the conception. It may be said to be 
neutral in politics and religion, — being built after the 
Jewish plan and in the Moorish style; and the Pagan, 
Mohammedan, and Christian faiths are all represented 
in the 611ing-in of the design. It is not a poor-looking 
edifice, however, by any means, but, on the contrary, is 
in portions, at least, very elegant and beautiful. It is 
well supplied with marble columns, crosses, mosaic and 
tracery-work, with busts of Roman emperors and statues 
of heathen goddesses. How much it resembles its pro- 
totype is a question for the archaeologists, but, at any 
rate, it presents a duplicate of everything of which the 
record makes mention as pertaining to the original. The 
Judgment Hall of Pilate is reproduced, and also the 
Pillar of Flagellation. Even the cock identified with 
Peter has his counterpart. This bird appears in the 
semblance of a rooster, urbane and sociable in mien, in 
a coop, looking down from on high through slats. At 
one time the counterfeit presentment of Peter himself 
was seen sitting by the stove cosily warming his fin- 
gers; but some sacrilegious relic-hunter coming this way 
tweaked the apostle's nose out of his face and made off 
with it. This was the beginning of a long series of nasal 
spoliations. No sooner was a new nose stuck on than it 
was pulled off, and this so continually recurred that at 
last the custodian, feeling that he was no longer able to 
supply the demand, removed Peter altogether from the 
scene. 

Perhaps the most attractive of all the sights of Seville 
to many persons are the paintings of the illustrious Span- 
ish masters which abound there. They are to be found 
almost everywhere. The Cathedral has plenty of them, 
and the other churches are well supplied. Their head- 
quarters, however, is the Museum. This institution is a 
sort of omnium gatherum of art. In the yard and pas- 



96 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

sages is a woful lot of trash, consisting- of old heads, 
arms, lefj^s, feet, toes, and scraps and chunks of stone 
carcasses of all sorts, excavated from the ruins of Italica 
near the city. In the basement is the glorious company 
of apostles, saints, and martyrs, gouged, chopped, and 
whittled out of wood ; and up-stairs are the pictures. 
Things were in something of a jumble when we visited 
it, in consequence of alterations going on, which gave 
the show an unsatisfactory complexion. La Caridad, 
which is part church part hospital, contains some famous 
paintings. Indeed, a connoisseur has a continual feast 
spread before him in Seville, on which he may batten for 
weeks. Now, as for me, be it understood, I have an eye 
for a house, or a sign, or a lady's cheek, when artistically 
painted, but in the walks of art higher than these I huudjly 
acknowledge my unworthiness to tread. I shall not, there- 
ibre, point out the excellences nor criticise the defects of 
the Murillos and the rest which were presented for my 
inspection. The guide was a connoisseur and took us to 
see every one of them, dilating awfully on all of their 
good points; and to show him that Richmond, Yirginia, 
could produce appreciative artists I chimed in with him, 
and with my mind dazed by trying to comprehend his 
elucidation of ihefrio, and the calido, and the uaporoso 
styles, I leered and squinched my eyes at them, and 
(Heaven forgive me for the prevarication!) exclaimed 
" exquisite !" " charming !" " beau-u-utiful ! ' and, having 
done all this solely for the credit of my dear home, I 
grew athirst, and an hungered, and aweary, and agape, 
and yearned for the red bricks and the green window- 
shutters, and the blue-and-black smalt, and the chalk- 
balls and rouge-])ot, which were all in all of art to me. 

But the most thrilling sensations of any I experienced 
in this glorious city were derived from the Government 
Tobacco Factory. Here I saw snuff made by machinery, 
whose patent-right claim the heirs of Noah could suc- 
cessfully maintain in any court of justice, and worked by 
jackass-})ower ; and it was good snuff, too, competent to 
educe a vigorous and wholesome sneeze, as I did prove. 
But it was not this that thrilled me. What thrilled me 
was to have the eyes of five thousand female cigar-makers 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. QY 

concentred in one fell swoop upon me. This is the number 
employed here. Not satisfied with looking, they winked 
and blinked most diabolically. Protected by the shield 
of bachelorhood, under which I have safely progressed 
for a number of years too tedious to mention, I deemed 
that I could confront them without a ruffle across my 
peaceful breast ; but on trying it — good gracious ! I 
blushed till my nose looked like one great and glorious 
grog-blossom, and I cleared out after I had seen not half 
enough, and yet a hundred times too much. Who can 
resist the Andalusian beauties ? with skins whose hues 
vary between that of law-calf and peach-peelings, though 
richer and more luscious looking than either; hair, dark 
and glossy as a tar bucket; eyes, than which the most 
artistically polished pair of boots is less black and shiny ; 
ankles, symmetrical as ten-pins ; and feet too soft and 
tiny to dint a hole in the mud. But let me pause 
before I transcend the sober limits which befit my char- 
acter as a grave and philosophic traveler. The stern 
fact is that the cigars the goddesses of the factory make 
are of a sort the smoking of which would infect a whole 
neighborhood with the asthma. 

Around the corner from La Caridad — but whether it 
be this corner or that, or whether it is this side of it or 
the other, at this distance of time I misremember, but 
somewhere about there, at all events — the stranger's at- 
tention will be arrested by a blood-stained block erected 
in the street. Upon this spot has many a sanguinary 
deed been done, for here take place the public executions 
of hogs. The victim is drawn to the block, his head laid 
upon it, and his throat cut from ear to ear with neatness 
and dispatch. Turning away from the sickening spec- 
tacle, the wayfarer will very probably encounter other 
victims, robust and rotund with fatness, slowly waddling 
to the slaughter. 

The wave of republicanism that rose when Isabella 
fell and went surging through Andalusia swept over Se- 
ville with its other cities ; but I saw or heard of nothing 
special tliat marked its progress save that sundry places 
were baptized into the fellowship of freedom by the trans- 
forming of names, and that the boys of the town took 

9* 



98 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

advantage of the public commotion to invade the Plaza 
of Liberty (the New Plaza of the day before) and com- 
pletely ravage it of the sacred oranges of the municipality 
nurtured therein. 

Among all the impressions made upon our minds 
during our excursion to this fair city none touched us 
more than those derived from a sight of the ruins of 
Italica. Ruins became common enough with us before 
we closed our European career, and most of them out- 
stripped these immeasurably in all the essentials of your 
good and proper ruins ; but these had the inestimable 
quality of novelty. We had never beheld any of these 
sublime wrecks of time before, and the first contemplation 
of them solemnized us to the point of profound and 
thoughtful moralizing. We drove across the bridge over 
the Guadalquivir through the suburb of Triana, on the 
opposite side, which is the residence of the Gypsies and 
other riffraff", and then for about four miles along the banks 
of the river till we reached a spot where nothing was to 
be seen — this being Italica. Yes, nothing of what was 
once a magnificent and important city, the birthplace of 
no less than three Roman emperors. It was very mournful 
— mournful thus to look and see nothing. But leaving our 
carriage, and floundering on foot over great lumps of clay, 
we presently saw something. It was the ruined amphi- 
theatre that has been partially excavated, and this, save 
some trivial scraps of the city walls, is all that remains 
of Italica. 

We found a warrior there on guard, who was wonder- 
fully familiar with every part of the structure and knew 
the exact purpose to which each nook and cranny in it 
was applied. There were also a man and his wife who 
dwelt in a hut hard by, and by virtue of domicile as- 
sumed the function of guides, knowing nothing about it — 
though they were either too honest or too inexpert to 
allow this deficiency to delude us. The amphitheatre is 
two hundred and ninety-one feet long and two hundred 
and four wide. Much of it is still buried, but they con- 
tinue to dig away at it — a little leisurely, perhaps ; but 
in time the bottom of it will be reached, though for some 
months past, I believe, the operations have been seriously 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 99 

impeded, either by the death or the impressment into the 
army of the mule employed in the work. What has been 
unearthed is in a fair state of preservation, and we were 
pleased to have pointed out to us by the military man the 
dens for the wild beasts, the gladiators' green-room, the 
platform for the dignitaries of the land, the vestal virgins' 
private boxes, and the seats for poor folks. 

The scene seemed very desolate and melancholy now 
as viewed by us from the places graced by our illustrious 
predecessors, and it appeared more desolate and melan- 
choly the more we looked at it ; so presently we rose 
and repaired to the hut of the self-styled guide, where 
there were mementos of the ruins for sale. These me- 
mentos were chiefly coins and teeth of vestal virgins 
and lions. The tariff of prices was uniform, being five 
cents per specimen. We purchased a couple of beautiful 
vestal virgins' teeth — that is, beautiful teeth of vestal vir- 
gins — sworn to as such by the vender, — though it is but 
fair to state that his wife had lost several of her own 
proper stock of dental organs, and there" is very little 
doubt that she would gladly have pulled every one of 
them out for five cents apiece. We also secured some 
old Roman coins, which there is every reason to suppose 
were struck in Paris as long ago as the latter part of the 
reign of the Emperor Napoleon III. Also some lions' 
teeth, of whose genuineness there can be no doubt what- 
ever ; since it is absolutely certain they were not human, 
and must therefore necessarily have been those of some 
beast — unless, indeed, they belonged to a fish. Care- 
fully depositing these inestimable relics in our waistcoat 
pockets, we re-entered our carriage and returned to 
Seville, assailed by various vagabond beggars and pass- 
ing several squads of polite and well-bred rustics at work 
in the fields, who cheered us most heartily and graciously 
as we rode by. 

Not the least grateful characteristic of Seville to us 
was its climate, which at that time of year during the 
day was as balmy as heart could wish. At night, how- 
ever, it was cool. We wanted a fire, and were furnished 
with a pile of ashes in a brazier — an arrangement about 
as cheery to behold as any other ash-bank, but which has 



100 7'//£' BOOK OF TRAVELS 

the property of giving out such heat as it is blessed withal 
apparently forever at the rate of seven cents a brazierful. 
It is true the hotel had a room with a fireplace in it, but 
the provoking fellow who occupied this apartment re- 
mained in the establishment as long as we did ; and after 
a vain attempt to have him turned out, we sat down with 
what satisfaction we might to our contemplation of the 
lemon which was stuck in the midst of the ashes to 
sweeten the deadly exhalations arising therefrom. Au- 
thorities generally concur in encomiums upon the climate 
of Seville in the latter part of winter and in the spring, 
and if the few days I spent there may serve as a crite- 
rion, I can heartily indorse all that is said in its favor. 
As the city is, in addition, by far the most interesting in 
the south of Spain, teeming with the grand, the beautiful, 
and the picturesque in art for the entertainment of the 
sober-sided married folks, and with the loveliest produc- 
tions of Nature for the soothing of us single ones, it 
affords to the invalid one of the most pleasant places of 
residence during the season specified with which I am 
acquainted. 



CHAPTER Ylir. 

How we retrace our Steps to Cadiz and go thence to Malaga — How we 
put up at the Fonda do la Alameda and make awful Discoveries of 
what is in the Pot — -A general Description of Malaga, with the Inci- 
dents of our Stay there — How we go from Malaga to Granada and get 
Experience of Travel by Diligence. 

Before daybreak of the fourth day of our sojourn in 
Seville we caused ourselves to be reboxed under the 
superintendence of the hotel corps and drawn to the rail- 
road station ; and, mightily refreshed and encouraged by 
the glimpse we had obtained of the glories of that most 
admirable city, glided majestically back into Cadiz, where 
we were welcomed with unspeakable joy by the whole 
household of the Fonda de America, and by none more 
joyfully than the fleas which it inherit : 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 101 

"'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark 
Our coming, and look brighter when we come." 

Here we tarried a couple of clays, making ready for our 
farther pilgrimaging, and delayed by the uncertainty of 
mood and movement indigenous to the nautical men of 
these parts. 

On the afternoon of the first of March we were ena- 
bled to embark on a comfortable little steamer which had 
touched at Cadiz on her way from Liverpool to Malaga; 
and for the latter city we departed, only one hour later 
than the advertised time. A Spanish war-vessel set sail 
simultaneously with us, laden with troops, who were 
now just entering upon the long and weary road that 
stretched across the Atlantic to Cuba — and the grave. 
The receding shores looked very beautiful, but the wind 
was too fresh to make a prolonged contemplation of them 
from the deck agreeable, and we went below, where the 
fund of entertainment contained in the one other pas- 
senger was soon exhausted, and, the state-room accom- 
modations being excellent, we disrobed and retired to our 
slumbers. We jogged along comfortably all night, and 
before sunrise next morning were in the harbor of 
Malaga. 

We were delayed some time after anchoring waiting 
for the proper officers to board us, and in the mean while, 
as is the manner in the Mediterranean ports, sundry boats 
came forth to us. While waiting for the lazy rascals to 
come to our deliverance, certain of the boatmen leapt on 
deck, and, pouncing on our trunks, began to drag them 
off with might and main. All our prayers and curses 
availing nothing to check them, we applied to the cap- 
tain, who most chivalrously entered the lists in our 
behalf, and after some pretty stiff fighting achieved the 
victory and saved our plunder. As soon as the officers 
had manumitted us we and our effects were stuifed into 
one of the boats and borne to the custom-house. By the 
functionaries thereof — and, as I am persuaded, though I 
did not obtain opinion of counsel in the matter, in con- 
travention of the laws regulating commerce between the 
cities of the realm — our baggage was subjected to rigid 
inspection. Our case of medicinal juices especially ex- 



102 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

cited violent suspicions. The top of it was split ofiF, and 
the dozen quart vials which it contained being accurately 
counted by the authorities, they were pleased to express 
the doubt whether our sanitary condition was of a sort 
to require so much and so strong medicine ; but, in the 
mean time, the commissioner of the Fonda de la Alameda 
had appeared upon the scene, and on his assurance of our 
unparalleled feebleness the case and the rest of the bag- 
gage was allowed to pass. In recognition of his ser- 
vices we could do no less than patronize the house he 
had the honor to represent, and thither he conducted us, 
it being close at hand. 

The Fonda de la Alameda is not an overgood inn. The 
attendance, as far as the female department extends, is 
unexceptionable, — the chambermaids being wonderfully 
nimble of foot and dexterous of hand ; the male servitors 
are, however, something stupid and slumberous. It has 
a reading-room furnished with papers which are pretty 
fresh to one who has not communicated with the outer 
world for a month. Its chairs are lamentably weak in 
the back and legs. To two of them befell fracture and 
disarticulation in the struggle to do their ofiSce by me, 
albeit I am one of the lightest of weights and the most 
circumspect of sedentaries. The bill of fare is hetero- 
geneous in material and cookery, and among its items — 
horribile dictu ! — is cat-flesh. With the waiters the Eng- 
lish synonym of this viand is " hare." But let no man be 
deceived by this delusive dish as I was. My companion 
beholding me partaking of it copiously was the first who 
suggested doubts. His suspicions were confirmed by an 
exceeding grave and reverend English gentleman, who 
had anxiously investigated the subject in his own interest, 
and who announced his intention of quitting the country 
at once and forever. The felinity of the meat was put 
beyond peradventure by a lady of singular intelligence 
and acumen with whom I subsequently conferred at 
Gibraltar, who herself had not long before been a 
guest of this house, and who was unimpeachable au- 
thority on the anatomy of the animals from being an 
enthusiastic cat-fancier of long standing. Can such 
things be ? 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 103 

In the reminiscences of mine youth this town was ever 
a place of sweet memory as the fountain and origin of 
the Malaga grapes and raisins on which I battened in 
those blithesome days. But the inspection of it has added 
but few pleasing visions to gild the recollections of my 
later years. There is nothing in it particularly interest- 
ing. The best things pertaining to it — the grapes and 
raisins above mentioned — are sent out of it, and we get 
them in our country as good as, and even better than, 
they can be had in their native land. Its Cathedral 
makes no impression upon one who has just seen that at 
Seville. When viewed afar ofi", the exterior of this edi- 
fice makes a fair enough show, but the interior is com- 
monplace. On the east side of the city is a lofty hill, 
surrounded b}^ the remains of a Moorish fortress of his- 
torical interest. It is the Gibralfaro, — memorable in the 
siege of Malaga by King Ferdinand, when that poten- 
tate captured the city and did an admirable piece of com- 
mercial strategy in disposing of the inhabitants to them- 
selves, — whereby he not only realized a handsome profit 
on the transaction itself, but was able to get back all the 
merchandise into the bargain, — as is pleasantly related 
in Fray Antonio Agapida his chronicle. Designing to 
inspect these remains I girded up my loins and marched 
up the hill till I reached a point where a warrior, tower- 
ing on a pinnacle of the old castle, in the most urbane 
manner oH'ered me the alternative of stopping where I 
was or of being shot. I elected to stop, and contented 
myself with gazing upon the panorama spread out before 
me. It was very beautiful. The city lay like a map at 
my feet, encircled by hills and washed by the Mediter- 
ranean, whose bright expanse, so blue and so placid, 
stretched far away. 

The situation of Malaga is peculiarly fine. Its circle 
of hills protects it from noxious winds, so that it is re- 
garded as perhaps the best residence in point of climate 
for invalids in the south of Europe. The general estimate 
of it in this respect is, I am disposed to believe, correct ; 
though our own experience was far from confirming it ; 
for we had during the latter days of our stay there (about 
the middle of March) a good deal of cloudy, windy, and 



104 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

cold weather, which made us cuddle the fire with marked 
affection. 

It is a pity that Malaga has so little besides its climate 
to I'ecommend it. It shows more tendency to business 
than any city I saw in Spain, donkeys moving hither and 
thither pretty constantly. It is, however, an old-looking 
place, and full of beggars ; the streets are narrow and 
twisted ; the houses are sombrous in appearance ; and, to 
my mind, it is not a cheerful city. Worst of all, the fe- 
male population is in pulchritude considerably below the 
Sevillanas, who are my standard of loveliness and grace, — 
but, let me hasten to say here that this quality is notori- 
ously a mere matter of individual taste, and that by some 
critics the Malaga ladies are held to be the type of Span- 
ish beauty. There is nothing to be seen calculated to 
enliven a sick man, who can do little better than lounge 
about the Alameda, where he can, at any rate, obtain as 
much exercise as his constitution will bear by combating 
with or flying from the vast army of tatterdemalions who 
charge down upon him from ever}^ quarter. To one 
whose physical organization is of a sort that assimilates 
him to the chameleon sufficiently to qualify him for living 
on air, no place could be found more salubrious ; for here 
he will find this staple abundant, sweet, and wholesome ; 
and if, in addition, his digestion competes with that of 
the ostrich, and, above all, if he has that superlative 
frame of spirit which I can describe only as donH-care-a- 
damativeness, this is the spot of all others where he 
can let his life ebb pleasantly away. 

Being myself a person the very reverse of the hypo- 
thetical being whom I have just drawm, I grew weary of 
Malaga some time before I left it. It was my habit to 
kill as much of the morning as I could in bed, and then 
to saunter forth in the desperate hope of seeing some- 
thing to sharpen my appetite for breakfast. Before ven- 
turing beyond the portals of the hotel it was, however, 
always necessary to reconnoitre carefully for beggars, 
who, you might be sure, were Ij'iug perdu somewhere 
about, waiting to waylay you. 

After breakfast, in comi)any with my fellow-traveler, 
I generally adjourned to the Alameda, which was in im- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 105 

mediate proximity to the hotel, where we would take a 
seat ou the l)ack of a bench, and from this advantageous 
position strive with the beggars. It was as much as a 
man's fortune was worth to yield to charitable impulses 
now, for the eyes of the whole fraternity, visible and in- 
visible, were upon him, and the bestowal of half a cent 
upon one was the signal for a general advance of the whole 
column in irresistible force. In the end we would be driven 
off, and would fall back to the hotel, where we read the 
Bible and waited for dinner. I finished up the day by a 
prolonged prowl about town. 

In the course of my diurnal and nocturnal wanderings I 
traversed every inch of Malaga, reducing myself to the 
extremity of a renewal of shoes, and being marvelously 
ill requited for the expenditure of leather. One night I 
encountered a large bare-headed procession, equipped 
with lanterns and sacred implements, preceded by a bell 
ringing dolorously. It was on its way to administer the 
last rites of the church to a dying man. As it passed all 
the people knelt in the street, and a great many signals 
were made to me to conform with the usage. Innumerable 
bloody noses and black eyes have come on occasions of 
this kind fi'om the obstinacy of stiff-kneed Protestants. I 
declined to kneel, but compromised by taking off my hat, 
and the procession passed me by without maltreating me 
in any way, — a sad proof, I fear, of the decay of religion 
in Spain. 

The only thing of interest I met with in my morning 
walks was the market, which was held partly in a building- 
situated on the border of the River Guadalmedina, and 
partly in the adjacent space, and also in the bed of the 
river itself, — which is a remarkable stream, in that it 
possesses banks, and bridges, and a channel, and all other 
appurtenances of a river, save and except only water, not 
one drop of which did it have. For its credit, however, 
I must state that it is said not to be always thus, but that 
at certain seasons it rolls a most portentous and disastrous 
current through the city. Business is exceedingly viva- 
cious in this market, all kinds of commodities being for 
sale there, especially myriads of oranges ; and the hubbub 
is terrific. 

10 



106 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

The rag-tag-and-bobtail citizens of Malaga are emiaent 
lovers of liberty, — none more so. They pant for freedom, 
and are ready to strike a blow in her behalf in season and 
out of season. As a consequence, they had vigorously 
opposed the imputed monarchism of the central govern- 
ment, and two or three months previous to our arrival 
had raised the standard of revolt against it. The govern- 
ment pounced down upon them with promptness and 
energy. Our unhappy landlord was sorely afflicted in 
those evil times. The national forces who had invaded 
Malaga, unfamiliar with its localities, could not be made 
to realize that his hotel was a hotel. They looked on it 
as either a nest for insurgents, or else bound to become 
one, and so anticipated their adversaries by taking pos- 
session of it themselves. It was a woful thing they did, 
for they were no sooner safely within its portals than they 
captured and sacked our landlord's larder, — ruthlessly de- 
vouring all his eggs, and grapes, and cakes, and cat's- 
meat, drinking all his wine, sucking all his oranges, and 
cracking every nut on the premises, — all of which terrified 
the landlord to the point of flight. In addition, they 
ravaged his chambers, and dragging out the beds stuck 
them in the windows for barricades, from behind which 
they peppered away at any foot-passenger who had the 
presumption to come in sight. 

The public mind was still excited while I was there, 
feverishly expecting something to turn up. One night, as 
I was poking and smoking pensively along one of the 
streets, a gun of preternatural loudness was fired some- 
where near by. The street was full of people, who at 
once stampeded in every direction. At home I should 
have first endeavored to ascertain the cause of alarm 
and then run ; but it has alwa3^s been held a wise maxim 
to do in Rome as Romans do, and as the people mani- 
festly thought that another rebellion had commenced, and 
it was certain that they were better judges of their own 
affairs than I was, I followed their example, and gather- 
ing up my pipe and old umbrella, traveled. Several of 
us made for the sanctuary of a church in the vicinity, 
trusting for protection to the well-known reverence for 
holy things which adorns the reprobates of these countries. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PnYSIC. 10 Y 

Here the women fell upon their knees and the men waited 
for developments; but nothing occurring, I speedily sallied 
forth again to investigate the matter. As well as I could 
understand it a man had been killed, but how or why 
neither I nor anybody else could determine. 

As we were within a day's journey of the renowned 
city of Granada, we concluded to mitigate the monotony 
of Malaga by packing up our carpet-bags and making a 
diversion thitherward. The route as far as Loja is by 
diligence, and, as the company's one vehicle is somewhat 
over-patronized, it is necessary to procure tickets betimes. 
We procured ours the day before the one on which we 
set out early, and spent the intervening time very agree- 
ably in puzzling over the comprehensive rules and condi- 
tions with which these documents are indorsed. These 
rules and conditions are to the following purport: The 
company held itself responsible for the safe transport of 
baggage in every particular, except when it was lost, 
stolen, or damaged, but would on no account hold itself 
liable for the mashing of hat-boxes or capsizing of the 
vehicle. It bound itself to convey passengers straight 
through to the railroad station at Loja, without fail, if 
nothing occurred to prevent. In the event of a break- 
down it was intimated very gently that the passengers 
would save time and trouble by picking up their duds 
and traveling, as the company considered, in such case, 
that it had discharged its duty to the best of its ability, 
and the journey for that trip was at an end. 

There were one Irish and two Scatch gentlemen who 
designed making the same journey; and in their company 
and under the domination of the above rules and condi- 
tions we started at six o'clock in the morning in the com- 
pany's diligence. This vehicle is a species of concentrated 
omnibus, though hardly as comfortable, with all sorts of 
nettings and pockets for the bestowal of small baggage, 
and studded within and without with places for passen- 
gers, and possessing its congener's capacity for always 
holding one more. My companion and myself had inside 
places, I upon the rod of the brake, which passed under 
the cushion of the seat, and stowed in with us were sev- 
eral greasy and dirty foreigners, natives of Spain, who 



108 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

smoked hoiTil)le tobacco continually and grieved our 
spirits sorely in divers ways. The fellow-traveler next 
to me was one of the most somnolent individuals I ever 
journeyed with, and, using me for a bed, he slept all over 
me, and bored me almost out of my life with his elbows, 
besides startling me with the almost palpable certainty 
that he was transforming my garments into a kind of 
zoological garden or entomological museum. Before I 
got rid of him my back was one solid crick from top to 
bottom. Along with him I was mightily pestered by the 
brake, whereby, whenever the machinery was put in opera- 
tion, I was lifted up and presently suddenly dropped, 
to my serious discomposure. We had to carry food and 
water with us, and I earnestly recommend all who pro- 
pose to go on a similar journey to take, in addition, some 
chloride of lime, a strengthening plaster, and a pot of 
mercurial ointment. 

Among the corps of officials required to run the 
machine is a functionary whose province it is to chastise 
the team, and under his efScient efforts we whirled 
through Malaga gloriously, the smaller parcels on the 
roof of the diligence flying behind us merrily, though 
by tlie eternal vigilance and despairing yells of their 
owners most of them were rescued. The road led up 
mountain-sides, winding round and round, and frequently 
passing by the edge of dangerous precipices. The coun- 
try presented an aspect of iiill and dale, and sterile crag 
and fertile slope. Here and there were to be seen cork- 
trees and olive-ti'ees. Every now and then, as we 
ascended to some commanding height, Malaga would 
burst into view, far below us, embosomed within its 
circle of hills, and bathed by the blue and placid Medi- 
terranean, forming a beautiful and striking picture. As 
we advanced we presently caught occasional glimpses 
of the lofty peaks of the far-off' Sierra Nevada covered 
with snow. I do not remember that we passed through 
more than one village, and that was dreadfully decayed 
and poverty-stricken, though the sight of habitations 
scattered among the hills was frequent. 

Our chastiser was an excellent officer. The diligence 
was drawn by relays of mules, eight in number, which 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 109 

were kept well wai-med up to their work by incessant 
thrashing while they were going, besides being soundlv 
wolloped before they started, by way, doubtless, of an 
antepast, as well as receiving a thorough correction after 
they had stopped, in order to keep their memories green 
against the next time their services were to be required. 
The stages were long and the way so difficult that no 
creature not endued with everlasting life would be able 
to withstand the pulling, and tugging, and lambasting 
incident to the journey. At four o'clock we reached 
Loja, which is planted down in a valley on the banks of 
the river Genii. In days that are gone Loja was a city 
well-to-do, but it is a hard-looking one enough now. It 
is saturated with beggars of a violent temperament, and 
in rankness of flavor it outranks any place I ever smelt. 

At the station we lunched, and loitered for an hour 
waiting for the locomotive to be greased, and watered, 
and fired up. Our Irish and Scotch friends, all of whom 
were English to the backbone, and ourselves took a com- 
partment together, and off we went slowly and smoothly. 
The Britishmen were in a terrible swivet the whole way, 
for the road was known to pass somewhere near the farm 
presented by the Spanish government to the Duke of 
Wellington, and they were insane to see this memento of 
His Grace. In their extremity they appealed to us to 
help them fix the locality, and for pity's sake we made 
two or three surmises ; but, as we never knew till that 
moment that the duke owned land in these parts, we 
were not quite sure that we were resolving them their 
question aright. In two hours' time all speculation on 
the subject was cut short by our arrival at the famous 
city of Granada. 



10* 



110 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 



CHAPTER IX. 

Granada — Of the Hotel de Washington Irving, and the Landlord of 
that Hostel and his all-accomplished Son-in-Law —Of the Alhambra — ■ 
Of the Generalife. 

The genius of Washington Irving has thrown over 
this region a charm so great that few are capable of ap- 
preciating its magnitude until a personal inspection 
enables them to make a discrimination between the ro- 
mance and the reality. The Granadians are vastly 
indebted to him, and in grateful commemoration of his 
services they have called a hotel by his name, — an honor 
which I hold to be not a little enhanced by the difficulties 
in which the pronunciation of his name, and especially of 
his Christian name, involves a Spanish tongue. To the 
Hotel de Washington Irving our Scotch friends had tele- 
graphed from Malaga, directing apartments to be reserved 
for the party, and, accordingly, as soon as the cars 
stopped we were accosted in excellent English by an 
attache of the hotel, the son-in-law of the proprietor 
thereof, who dragged us out of the coach, incarcerated 
us in the hotel box, and gathered up the baggage. Our 
fellow -travelers, journeying as do the Anglicans, of 
course had at least four times as many packages as there 
was occasion for, and so one piece was left behind — a 
truly indispensable india-rubber overcoat, the property of 
the elder of the Scotch gentlemen, which he would not have 
taken anything in the world for, and which he never got 
back any more. In blissful belief that all was right, we 
started off in the box, and jogged along for an intermina- 
ble period up hills, and seeing nothing, because it was 
dark when we arrived, till we stopped at the hotel door. 
The landlord of the Hotel de Washington Irving, be- 
lieving that he is justified in taking his ease in his own 
inn, does nothing except make out the bills and pocket 
the proceeds — not even exhibiting himself to his guests. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. HI 

— but leaves all the work to the son-in-law above speci- 
fied. This invaluable son-in-law was a clever fellow, 
being in a manner a jack-at-all-trades ; and, having lived 
for a time in New Orleans, conducted the establishment 
rather after the American than the European fashion, — 
that is to say, he laid more stress on the boarding* than 
the lodging of his patrons And, indeed, let me say just 
here, this distinction between the two modes of keeping 
a hotel is well marked. In our country the traveler is 
deposited in a room supplied with only the bare necessa- 
ries of a chamber, but, at the same time, he is gorged 
with feasts of fat things. In Europe, on the other hand, 
he is ensconced in apartments redundantly furnished 
with gorgeous curtains, sumptuous carpets, rugs, sofas, 
lounges, rocking-chairs, marble-top tables, an eight-day 
clock of the chastest pattern and with visible brass works, 
articles of ormolu and virtu, a piano, and a harp of a 
thousand strings. The landlord does not deem it pos- 
sible that the human heart can desire anything beyond 
this, and consequently the question of diet is thrust down 
into a very subordinate place indeed. As an exemplifi- 
cation — though I have been a frequent guest of the St. 
Nicholas, of New York, I have never had a room there 
lurnished materially better than the worst in which I 
lodged while in Spain ; but neither in London, nor in 
Paris either, did I find a table that deserved to be named 
in comparison with that of the St. Nicholas. 

An American, therefore, will be disposed to consider 
the Washington Irving of Granada a very fair hotel. 
Under the tendency to wool-gathering which is promoted 
by seclusion, however, the landlord is betrayed into some- 
thing of diffuseness in keeping his accounts; thus, we 
found ourselves charged with telegrams which we had 
neither sent nor received, and for the transportation of 
baggage which we had left at Malaga. In the bills, too, 
the guests are rated per capita for the dining-room fire, — 
the rate being for each person one hundred per cent, on 
the gross value of the fuel; though, as we ascertained 
by actual trial, the landlord will strike this charge off 
rather than be whipped. The waiter, moreover, had a 
way when you asked him for bread of hurling a pone of 



112 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

it at you across the table. With the exception of these 
trifling shortcomings, it is good enough. It has a very 
neat garden attached to it, well adapted for a lunching- 
place, and possesses the crowning advantage of being 
situated in the Alharabra grounds; so that I recommend 
it, and the more cordially because of the great considera- 
tion shown me by the landlady in spanking her baby for 
refusing to kiss me. 

There were but few strangers in Granada at this period. 
We found that we had done a work of supererogation in 
ordering rooms to be reserved, for we constituted the 
Washington Irving's entire register of guests, save one 
gentleman who had long before taken up his abode there 
permanently. The Hotel of the Seven Floors across the 
street was utterly desolate, with not a patron on any of 
its floors. Three or four new ones came to our establish- 
ment during the week, but our rival got only one solitary 
couple the whole time. This so encouraged them, 'how- 
ever, that in their exultation they must needs cast reflec- 
tions upon and belittle us by digging up all the rocks on 
their side of the street and relaymg them. But, confound 
them ! we matched them by excavating a ditch on our 
side to carry off the water, — which was a much more 
useful piece of work than theirs. 

The glory of Granada is, of course, the world-renowned 
Alhambra; and to it we repaired at the earliest oppor- 
tunity, — our landlord's talented son-in-law otficiating as 
guide. For association's sake we would fain have em- 
ployed in this capacity "Jose Jiminez, son of Mateo 
Jiminez, Guide of Washington Yrving," as set forth on 
his card, who could be found any time of day sunning 
himself before our door; but it was impossible for us to 
put ourselves in suitable communication with him, for he 
spoke no English, and his French being uttered identi- 
cally as if it were Spanish, the one was as unintelligible 
to us as the other. Jose was better dressed than Mateo 
appears to have been, but despite his good clothes there 
was an air of the ragamuffin about him that showed him 
to be a legitimate descendant of his historic sire. He, how- 
ever, had the luck to chaperon one of our party, the Irish 
gentleman, who being able to devote but one da}" to the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 113 

sights, and, having arrived on Saturday night, made his 
visit to the Alhanibra on Sunday, — though by special 
permission, for the authorities of Granada are uncom- 
monly pious, and do not allow the place to be shown on 
other than week-days, except on emergencies. As we 
had more time at our command we employed the Sab- 
bath in usurping Jose's station in the sunshine, and de- 
ferred our visit till Monday. 

Accordingly on Monday morning we set out in com- 
pany with our two Scotch fellow-travelers. The elder 
of these was a most amiable and excellent old gentleman, 
and an archaeologist, natural philosopher, singer of comic 
songs, and theological controversialist, — in every one of 
which departments he excelled, and in all of which he 
was an enthusiast. He was a man with an exquisite 
sense of humor, and it was delightful to hear him tell 
how at Malaga, when he asked for a wafer, the waiter 
brought him an egg, — ep:g being huevo in Spanish, and 
pronounced astonishingly like wafer; at the relation of 
which fact he would become filled with rapture, and I, 
and all others who heard it, could not refrain from re- 
joicing with him. He bore about with him a barometer, 
a thermometer, a compass, an almanac, and a host of 
similar appliances; and guide-books, and maps, and 
authorities without number. On the present occasion he 
took along various volumes pertinent to the subject, — all 
of which he insisted upon studying and consulting at 
every step, to the unadulterated disgust of our guide, 
the all-knowing son-in-law, who found his statements 
controverted and corrected continually. It was his wont 
at home to edify the children of his Sunday-school Avith 
lectures, and, as Spain was to be the subject of some of 
these discourses on his return, he felt it to be his bounden 
duty to gather every possible fact for their enrichment; 
and to this end not a rat-hole would he pass without 
minute investigation of its origin, its history, and espe- 
cially its relation to the Moorish domination. In addi- 
tion, the old gentleman had a capital eye for the pic- 
turesque, and one of his great aims was to get what he 
called a pong-de-view, — from which, when he got one, he 
would inspect the scene with rapture so lengthened that 



114 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

it almost ran our guide distracted with the fidgets. It 
was this consummate perception of the beautiful that led 
him on the first Sunday afternoon of our stay in Granada 
to summon us all in the utmost haste from the basement 
of the hotel to the top. We thought that the house was 
on fire, but it turned out that he wished us to share with 
him the pleasure of seeing the reflection of the sunlight 
on the snowy tops of the Sierra Nevada. It was a most 
gratifying spectacle, but obtained by my poor companion 
at an expense of wind he could ill afford to disburse. 

To those who would read of the Alhambra in its ro- 
mantic relations I must commend the glowing pages of 
Irving. To me a great part of the interest of the visit 
to it sprang from awakened reminiscences of thoughts 
and feelings excited by the perusal of his descriptions 
long before, and I must confess that but for the spell he 
had put upon me I should not have been greatly affected 
by what I saw. It has changed materially even since 
his day. Squalor and decay have effaced beauties of 
which he speaks, and the fountains vA^hose drops then fell 
tinkling in their marble basins have ceased to pla3^ On 
the other hand, some of its original beauties long van- 
ished have of late been restored, though I know not but 
that this diminishes in a measure rather than enhances 
the charm. But such is the magic of genius that the 
insubstantial images that he created arose and usurped 
the place of realities, and I beheld the Alhambra with 
his ej^es, not with my own. Indeed, the most interesting 
spot of all to me was the room occupied by this man of 
genius and geniality, and in clamoring to see it I dis- 
played no less insanity than was exhibited by my fellow- 
travelers in their efforts to obtain a peep at the estate of 
the Iron Duke. To those, then, who wish for the ro- 
mance of these crumbling halls I heartily commend the 
pictures of my friend Washington Irving — I can truly 
call him my friend. I am but a plain matter-of-fact man 
myself, with but little poetry in my soul and none at all 
in my pen, and my account must be dressed in very com- 
mon linsey-woolsey prose. My chivalric and love-sick 
readers had better, therefore, skip ahead, and leave the 
prosy old creatures to go with me for the present. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 115 

The Alhambra derives its name from the reddish hue 
of the earth of which it is constructed, the word signify- 
ing "red house." As is generally known, it was both a 
palace and a fortress for the Moorish monarchs, and in 
their day the space encompassed by its walls was suffi- 
ciently capacious to accommodate forty thousand troops. 
It is situated on the summit of a large hill, rising high 
above the town of Granada, which spreads about its 
base. A great part of this hill is thickly planted with 
elm-trees — too thickly, indeed, for them to thrive — which 
were presented by the Duke of Wellington as an offset 
to the gift of his estate ; and amongst them run two or 
three avenues leading to the city. The nightingales, for 
which these groves are notorious, had gone off some- 
where to spend the winter and we were deprived of 
the pleasure of their society. Time, and Charles V., 
and the French, and whitewash, have dealt upon the 
Alhambra's pride till it is well nigh destroyed. Erected 
and adorned at an expenditure of money so enormous 
that it was believed that only the devil could supply such 
sums, it would now hardly tempt a man of our practical 
country to speculate in it as old brick. 

The usual entrance is by the Gate of Judgment, a 
massive square tower, which is entered under an im- 
mense arch of the horseshoe shape peculiar to Moorish 
architecture. On the keystone of this arch is sculptured 
a great outstretched hand, and over an inner arch just 
within the tower there is also sculptured a great key ; 
and it is stated — and I believe that all who have exam- 
ined the subject admit the reasonableness of the state- 
ment — that when the hand shall grasp the key the whole 
concern will go to smash. At this gate in ancient days 
the justices of the peace for this magisterial district were 
wont to hold their court. Ascending the stairway of 
the tower we came upon a wide open space, like a small 
parade-ground, to which is applied the name of the Place 
of Cisterns. 

This place derives its appellation from the vast tanks 
beneath it hewn out of the rock. The water is drawn 
from them through the medium of a well, and has a most 
enviable reputation. There is a kind of bar established 



116 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

at the well for the sale of the fluid to thirsty visitors, 
and while ran^'ed before it our Scotch friend read us a 
tremendously full account of the cisterns and all thereto 
pertaining, compiled from the numerous authorities he 
had along, which the barkeeper listened to with much 
complacency and which moved us to patronize him. The 
water is very good — a little weak, but cool. 

Full before us stood the uncompleted palace com- 
menced by the Emperor Charles V. Despite the fact 
that certain recent events in my own country had made 
me somewhat dubious of republican principles, I was 
very nearly reconverted to my original faith when I saw 
that this embodiment of monarchy had destroyed an 
enormous portion of the beautiful palace of the Moors to 
make way for his abortion — a pile l^egun with most arro- 
gant promise and ending ignominiously in the middle of 
its career; a ruin unable to elicit the veneration which is 
a ruin's right and due. It was his purpose to outdo the 
Moorish kings on their own dunghill, and it is impossible 
to estimate the ravage the wretched man would have 
wrought but for the merciful interposition of a party of 
earthquakes that came and scared him off the premises. 
Most visitors contemptuously leave this shell of a palace 
to be inspected last, as we did now. It is a square 
structure, much the greater part of which is monopolized 
by a central circular court surrounded by columns, Avhich 
would, doubtless, have appeared very grand when fin- 
ished, though by its size it makes the rest of the building- 
seem deficient in that comfortable roominess which we 
look for in the abode of magnates. The court has justly 
been likened to a bull-ring, and, indeed, has been used in 
that capacity very satisfactorily. Close by this palace is 
the door by which you enter into the palace of the 
Alhambra. 

The Alhambra was built by different potentates at 
different times, and none of its architects seem to have 
troubled themselves about the general effect; being de- 
cidedly more solicitous for the beauty of parts than for 
the symmetry of the whole. Hence the plan is an 
irregular jumble ; the various portions being placed not 
where they would be most appropriate, but where they 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 117 

would dovetail most snugly with the rest of the 
structure. 

The first thing to be done on entering is to surrender 
canes, old cotton umbrellas, and all other offensive 
weapons at the behest of the custodian of the pile, who 
dogs your steps incessantly till your exit, to provide 
against an outbreak of the spirit of pilfering which is so 
apt to possess the mind in a place like this. You are 
then ushered into the Court of the Myrtles, or, as it is 
otherwise termed, the Alberca, from an enormous oblong 
pool, which is its most prominent feature. This pool is 
full of goldfish, and its sides are bordered with neaily- 
kept myrtles. It was used as the place for doing the 
family washing — not of the clothes, perhaps, but of the 
person. The court is adorned with elegant windows 
and arches, and with marble pillars sustaining galleries. 
Upon the walls is frequently repeated the inscription to 
be found plentifully in other parts of the Alhambra, 
" There is no Conqueror but God," — the motto of the 
pious old Ibn-1-Ahmar, the projector of the palace. 
From the crystal bosom of the pool is reflected bril- 
liantly tbe Tower of Comares, which rises boldly at the 
northern end. 

It is well known that Mohammedans have always 
looked upon murder as a very common everyday piece of 
business, deserving of very little consideration as to why, 
when, or where it is done. They make no bones in cut- 
ting off a man's head in their parlor, or bedroom, or 
dining-room, — anywhere that happens to be convenient, — 
it is all the same to them. As a result of this trait there 
is probably not an apartment or court in the Alhambra 
where there has not been at least one taking-off, while in 
most of them numbers have been slaughtered. Authen- 
ticated history records many an instance of the sort, and 
tradition teems with them. The Court of the Myrtles 
has had its share. 

Embracing all the lower portion of the Tower of Co- 
mares is the celebrated Hall of Ambassadors, which was, 
as its name denotes, the audience-chamber of the kings of 
Granada. It is a large and lofty apartment, and splen- 
didly adorned. It walls are covered with inscriptions, 

11 



118 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

devices, and escutcheons, and its vaulted ceiling, made of 
white and blue and gold inlaid-work blended into circles 
and crowns and stars, is a marvel of elaborate workman- 
ship. On either side of the entrance is a niche in the 
wall. These are seen at the entrances of other apartments 
of the Alhambra, and were intended, say some, as places 
of reception for the slippers of visitors, — for the followers 
of the Prophet, seeing that the removal of their head- 
gear would be a job tantamount to the unswathing of a 
small mummy, sagaciously uncover the feet as a mark of 
respect instead of the head, as we Christians do ; others 
say, however, that these recesses were meant to contain 
water-jars by day and lamps by night. The hall overlooks 
the little river Darro, flowing at a great distance below 
the walls of the tower, and the scene embraces a portion 
of the city and the vega, forming a lovely i)icture. From 
one of its windows Boabdil, the last of the kings of Gran- 
ada, was let down in a basket when a child by his mother 
to save him from the wrath of old Muley, his father. 
There is another window, in a small room leading to the 
Royal Chapel, from which he was also let down at the 
same time and under the same circumstances. We leaned 
out of both of them, by which simple expedient we freed 
our minds of some annoying doubts as to having seen 
the right one. 

By the narrow, winding, and dark and difficult stair- 
way we ascended to the top of the tower, and from its 
crumbling pinnacles, at the risk of our necks, gathered 
some moss as a souvenir. From this point the view is 
one to please the eye and touch the imagination of the 
most insensitive. All the lovely vega of Granada was 
before us, green and fertile, girdled by mountains, and 
dotted over with villages, — almost every spot of which 
is linked with some historic stoiy or romantic legend. 
At its farthest bound was seen the low and dreary hill 
which bears the mournful name of "The Last Sigh of 
the Moor," where poor Boabdil took his parting-look at 
home, and in the centre of it is the town of Santa Fe, 
which sprang all at once into existence during the siege 
of Granada, and from which Columbus made the first 
step on the way that led him to a new world. From 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 119 

amongst the bills close bj arose tbe white palace of the 
Generalife, while to enhance the charm appeared the so- 
called rivers Darro and Genii, — streams of surpassing 
fame in the songs and tales and sober histories of all this 
region, but which, without exaggeration, would, if con- 
centrated into one, not be equivalent to the least preten- 
tious of our creeks ; and whose contemplation fills an 
American bosom with amazement at the audacity of their 
sponsors in thus misapplying the honorable appellation 
of river, and with unfeigned commiseration of themselves 
for the false position they have been made to assume be- 
fore the world. But most beautiful of all that was to be 
seen were the snow-covered peaks of the Sierra Nevada, 
so clear and pure and brilliant that they seemed almost 
at hand, and giving a glory to the scenery impossible to 
be described. 

From the Court of the Myrtles we enter the Court of 
the Lions. This is the most noted portion of the AI- 
hambra. Here we indeed see what the Moors were 
capable of accomplishing. This court derives its name 
from the twelve marble lions which sustain a large and 
handsome alabaster fountain in the centre of it. The 
fountain is constructed of two basins, a lower one twelve- 
sided and nearly ten feet in diameter and two feet in 
depth, which is surmounted by a smaller one not quite 
four feet in width by one and a third in depth. The 
border of the lower basin is inscribed with some verses 
from the pen of the poet-laureate, — a writer whose pro- 
ductions are marked by an admirable simplicity of sen- 
timent amounting almost to fatuousness, but withal some- 
what turgid in style and muddy in diction. The fountain 
is no longer allowed to play, except on special occasions, 
frgtfii fear that the dampness may accelerate the progress 
of decay. The lions are dwarfish in stature, with vil- 
lainous-bad countenances, and altogether are scraggy- 
looking specimens of the plastic art. In one of the 
guide-books of our Scotch friend they were furthermore 
described as being " barbecued," — a term which, notwith- 
standing his profound conversance with art-nomenclature, 
mystified him exceedingly. It is truly a judicious injunc- 
tion which bids us to regard them not from an artistic 



120 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

point of view, but simply as heraldic effigies. An inter- 
esting question has been raised as to who sculptured these 
lions, seeing that their religion interdicted the Moors from 
representing living beings. It is probable, I think, that 
the Mohammedans did as Christians do in the face of 
such difficulties, — that is, they availed themselves of the 
services of the less scrupulous children of Satan. 

Mere verbal description would fail to give an adequate 
idea of this famous court. It is wonderfully elegant in 
conception and in execution. There are within it no less 
than one hundred and twenty-four marble columns, of 
light and tasteful workmanship, and the arches connect- 
ing them are of a most delicate pattern worked in filigree, 
— very frail to look upon, indeed, yet which have with- 
stood the tooth of time for centuries. Mosaic devices 
are seen everywhere, and the walls are blazoned with 
Arabic inscriptions, elaborately and neatly done in beau- 
tiful stucco-work. One of these inscriptions is worthy 
of especial note from the kindly encouragement it holds 
forth, being in words to this effect : " Be not, thou, 
scared at these lions ; they aren't sure-enough lions." 
The extent of the roofless court, the glaring white of its 
ornaments, the solemn group of figures circling the fount- 
ain, and the absence of any sign of the habitation of man, 
contribute to give the place a desolate and spectral air of 
solitude, which greatly augments the impressiveness of 
the scene. 

The Court of the Lions was one of the favorite slaugh- 
tering-places of the lords of the Alhambra. The Muley 
before mentioned here beheaded all the children of his 
sultana Ayeshah, the mother of Boabdil, the blood of the 
little ones mingling with the waters of the fountain, — 
Boabdil himself, with his usual bad luck, escaping. 

On one side of the court is the Hall of the Abencer- 
rages, noticeable for its fine stalactite roof, but especially 
for being the reputed scene of the butchery of the gal- 
lant chieftains from whom it takes its name. The mar- 
ble floor and the fountain in the centre of it exhibit some 
broad, dingy splotches, which are said to be marks of the 
blood of the murdered men ; but they are due, no doubt, 
to a no more ghastly cause than the oxidation of iron con- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 121 

tained in the marble. By some authorities the fountain 
in the Court of the Lions is asserted to be the locality 
where the slaughter was done. On this point a most 
dreadful dispute arose between our Scotch friend and the 
landlord's son-in-law, — the former relying for his facts on 
his guide-books, and the latter for his on his omniscience. 
It were difficult for me to say with which of the champions 
the weight of probability rested, inasmuch as the argu- 
ment had not been concluded when we left Granada. 
Wherever it was done, however, the wretched Boabdil 
has been given the credit of it, though it has now come 
to be acknowledged that in this, as in several other vil- 
lainies, he, like Nero and some others of evil name and 
reputation, has been vilely calumniated. 

Opposite to the Hall of the Abencerrages is that of the 
Two Sisters, — so named from two large and similar slabs 
of marble in its pavement. This hall is exquisitely beau- 
tiful, and is especially famous for its magnificent roof, in 
whose construction there enter upwards of five thousand 
pieces. It was one of the private apartments of the la- 
dies of the harem, and for their refreshment the walls 
were profusely inscribed with lackadaisy sentiments and 
awfully love-sick verses. 

At each extremity of the Court of the Lions is an ele- 
gant pavilion, and through the upper one we enter the 
Hall of Justice, where the Moorish cabinet held its ses- 
sions and the king dealt out the peculiar quality of justice 
current in those days. The calumniators of the much- 
enduring Boabdil locate here the performance of another 
of his atrocities, for here, say they, he arraigned and tried 
his innocent queen on the charge of infidelity. In an- 
other part of the palace is a sort of cage with an iron 
grating, apparently intended for the incarceration of some 
unfortunate individual, and this has been astutely seized 
upon by the calumniators to confirm their story, for, ac- 
cording to them, this cage was the prison of the queen. 
It appears, however, to be established that what shreds 
of facts there are to hang the tale upon pertain not to the 
history of Boabdil, but to that of his persecuting old 
father, while the cage, it is likely, was constructed for the 

11* 



122 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

confinement of poor Crazy Jane, the wife of Philip T., 
during her paroxysms of insanity. 

The Hall of Justice in its ornamentation fully main- 
tains the delicacy and beauty characteristic of the other 
apartments, and in some respects excels any of them. 
But the most striking objects in this hall are several paint- 
ings done on skins and nailed to the domes. They are 
certainly not overwhelming for their grandeur, or beauty, 
or correctness, or for any other admirable quality of the 
limner's art; but their interest is great from the wide 
field of conjecture they open as to what in the world they 
are intended to represent, seeing that they are a conglom- 
eration of Moors, ladies looking out of windows, knights, 
boars, chess-boards, dogs, and birds of surpassing strange- 
ness and feather, and as to who executed them, seeing that 
the Moors themselves were altogether too sanctimonious 
to commit the damning crime of picture-making. In one 
of the recesses of the hall is placed a large and beautiful 
porcelain vase, finished in white, blue, and gold enamel. 
It is inscribed with the words " Eternal Salvation," — a 
marvelously happy label when we consider that it was 
found filled with gold. Besides the vase, there are here 
a couple of common old tombstones, the property of two 
royal defuncts, and a second-hand sarcophagus. 

The portions of the Alhambra which I have now de- 
scribed are those that are most celebrated and interest- 
ing. There are other parts of it, however, that deserve 
a passing notice ; among these the bath-rooms are worthy 
of especial mention from their elegance and completeness. 
As the ornamentation has recently been restored to almost 
its original perfection, we are able to form something like 
an adequate idea of the luxurious style in which their 
proprietors washed themselves. In the bath-rooms proper 
are large bathing-tubs for the old folks, and small ones for 
the youngsters. The room for repose was particularly 
comfortable, being furnished with places for couches, on 
which the bathers could rest and be lulled by music from 
the band perched in a gallery above. The architectural 
arrangements of this saloon are remarkably delicate 
and showy, consistng of a series of columns, arches, gal- 
leries, and windows, which I can liken only to such fancy- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 123 

gilt caskets as the fashionable confectioners of Brobding- 
nag would use to incase their French candies in for the 
little ones at Christmas. Other places of interest are the 
Royal Chapel, principally interesting from its sombre 
ugliness ; and the garden of Lindaraja, which is a little 
patch of ground in an odd corner, economized by planting 
it with shrubs and flowers. 

The Alhambra was formerly surrounded by a wall which 
was topped by a great number of towers. Many of these 
are now nothing but ruins. As they offered numerous and 
exceWent pong s-de-view, in company with our Scotch friend 
I clambered up all that afforded a foothold, and was re- 
warded by many a lovely prospect. In these investiga- 
tions we had to rely upon our own acumen, for the landlord's 
son-in-law, completely sickened with the pragmatical in- 
credulity with which his expositions had hitherto been 
met, contented himself with merely putting us on the 
track, and, taking a seat on a rock, left us to come by 
what results we might. This was, however, a matter of 
trivial moment to our friend, for, among his other appur- 
tenances, he was provided with a little opera-glass, in 
whose superb mechanism entered no less than twenty 
lenses, the performance of which rivaled that of my own 
double-barreled monocular, whose other eye, it may be 
recollected, had been knocked out in Cuba ; and in the 
enlarged and enlightened views furnished by this instru- 
ment he reveled with the amplest satisfaction. 

The interior of most of these towers was adorned in 
the delicate and elegant style of the apartments in the 
body of the Alhambra, for they were used as residences 
by the scions of Moorish royalty ; but as they were like- 
wise designed to be defenses, their exterior is plain, sub- 
stantial, square in form, and devoid of windows. The ab- 
sence of the latter, besides the protection it afforded from 
arrows, brickbats, and bullets, subserved another extremely 
useful purpose, for the poor Moors amongst the divers 
afflictions and tribulations with which they were beset, 
were most mortally afraid of the Evil Eye, and would 
cheerfully block up every hole to shut out its glances, — 
especially from the womankind, who, as might have been 
inferred from the inherent tenderness of the sex, stood in 



124 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

pre-eminent awe of the malign influence, while their 
natural curiosity made them particularly liable to get in 
the range of it. 

In alluding to the towers of the Alhambra it behooves 
that I should make express mention of the Torre de la 
Vela, for about this one there yet lingers some of the 
necromantic influence which once was rife through all the 
place. It resembles the other towers in its general 
aspect, but its peculiarity is that it is surmounted by a 
large bell. On the great festival day celebrated every 
year in commemoration of the surrender of Granada, the 
damsels for miles around bundle hither in hot haste, and 
ring the bell with untiring alacrity and zeal; and this 
tliey do because it possesses the seven-times blessed vir- 
tue of guaranteeing the ringer a husband or his equivalent 
before the close of the year. 

Efforts are being made to restore the Alhambra to its 
former splendor. But in spite of restorations, never 
again can the Alhambra be made the glorious pile it 
was. What Charles Y. and the French have wrought 
upon it is past all architectural surgery, for their mode 
of dealing with it was of the knock-down and blow-up 
schools. By Irving and others the French have been 
much commended for the care they took in preserving it 
during their occupation. But, unfortunately, these ex- 
emplary conservators were not permitted to remain 
there forever. Their attachnjent to it appears to have 
been very firm ; so firm, in fact, that when they tore them- 
selves away, they tore a vast portion of the structure 
away, too. Besides demolishing several of the towers 
they would have annihilated the palace itself, but that a 
magnanimous soul was found who had the courage to 
withdraw the match connected with the mine they had 
prepared. Some folks there are who think their proceed- 
ings in this regard savor strongly of vandalism, but I am 
happy to believe that no American familiar with the 
sanctifying power of " military necessity," has had the 
hypocrisy to condemn them. 

Not much behind these two potent practitioners of 
the obliterative arts were the pious Christians who took 
it from those who reared it and delighted to adorn it ; for 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 125 

in their most holy horror of the infidel inscriptions and 
heathenish abominations of all sorts that made its walls 
hideous to a champion of the true faith, they mixed their 
whitewash as thick as mortar and laid it on apparently with 
a trowel, so that frequently it can be removed only by 
means of a pickaxe — an instrument something clumsy for 
the delicate manipulation required. Its towers, and other 
portions of it, have long been the abode of a class of per- 
sons whose mode of livelihood the most persevering 
researches of travelers have never hitherto been able to 
discover, and where they have set up their staffs they 
have soiled, and smoked, and injured the place beyond 
redemption. 

It may please some of the readers of Irving's " Tales 
of the Alhambra" to know that the little Dolores so fre- 
quently mentioned therein ultimately married her cousia 
to whom she was engaged, and is now blessed, as the 
saying is, with sundry children. They do not live at the 
Alhambra now but in a neighboring village, where the 
said cousin officiates as pedagogue. These facts came to 
me from the omniscient son-in-law. In prosecuting my 
inquiries I also learned that my friend Irving was an aw- 
ful splutterer of the Spanish language, — a discovery that 
tickled me mightily, for, though it might not be supposed, 
yet it is nevertheless true that even in my well-ordered 
bosom there is a wdiiff of that spirit of envy in which the 
rest of my wretched fellow-creatures are steeped to the ears. 

At a moderate distance from the Alhambra on the side 
of an eminence stands the Generalife, which was a kind 
of summer-house whither the Moorish monarchs repaired 
to hold their feasts and revelries. The sheen with which 
it glitters from afar is found upon entering it to be an 
optical delusion, for it has been put in too good a state of 
repair to have retained a great many of its former char- 
acteristics. It has a very handsome garden set off with 
yew-trees clipped after a very fanciful fashion and with 
many old-time cypresses, to one of which our attention 
was specially directed by the lady custodian of the place 
as the Cypress of the Sultana, of which and whom on dit 
— what the reader can readily imagine. There is also in 
the building a picture-gallery claiming to contain portraits 



126 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

of various Christian kings and heroes, as well as of the 
notorious Boabdil himself, — of all of which it suffices to 
say that the execution might be forgiven could the authen- 
ticity be guaranteed. But the chief attraction is the 
mirador attached to it, which merits especial notice f<jr 
affording, in the judgment of our Scotch friend, the most 
glorious pong-de-view of any we obtained. From the 
mirador we were turned out upon the adjacent hills, the 
nearest of which is that known as the Silla del Moro, — 
the chair of the Moor, — where Boabdil on one occasion 
sat all night waiting for the ending of a row down town. 
We clambered up all the other ridges in the vicinity, 
which in the cold and rainy weather of the time looked 
dull and desolate, possessing no interest except as pongs 
for seekers after the picturesque. 



CHAPTER X. 



Of what other Things are to be seen in Granada, especially the Cathe- 
dral and the Carthusian Convent — Of the sociable and edifying 
Nature of our Indoor Life there — How we returned to Malaga, with 
the unpropitious Circumstances of the Journey, and how we were 
comforted on the Way. 

Having duteously " done" everything in our neigh- 
borhood we prepared to descend from the heights and 
make a progress through the town. To this end the 
indefatigable son-in-law hitched up the hotel box or om- 
nibus for our accommodation, rammed us in, and put us 
through. 

Direful is the change that has fallen upon Granada 
since the glorious days of its Moorish lords. It is like 
enough that its streets are not more crooked now than 
they were then, and it is hardly possible that future ages 
can intensify their present crookedness, but the life and 
bustle which then animated them are gone; indeed, from 
the excitement our vehicle created as it bounced over them 
and the universal staring we evoked it seemed that its 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 127 

citizens were famishing for the want of something to stir 
them up. The Bibarrambla, so famous as the whilom 
meeting-place for pleasui'e, for business, and for fighting, 
has degenerated into a poor, plain plaza with scarce more 
relish of romance about it than any brickyard. Whether 
the enormous rivers have degraded per se or dried up along 
with the prosperity of the town, I do not feel competent 
to determine, but they are not what I had taken them 
for. The Darro goes mumbling through a valley a world 
too wide for it more in the manner of a city drain than 
of a respectable and well-to-do river, while the classic 
Genii, or Jenil, or Xenil — it boots not in which of these 
fashions it be spelled so it be pronounced Haneel — is 
prostituted to a convocation-place for washerwomen, and 
its illustrious waters are polluted with dirty clothes. 
Upon the whole city there rests an air of decay and ug- 
liness and sombreness peculiarly striking and dishearten- 
ing to the sojourner who recalls the fact that it was once 
so lovely and desirable as to lead the enraptured Moors 
to believe that it was directly under Paradise. 

The first place to which the son-in-law bore us was the 
Cathedral, which we found wedged in among a mass of 
profane shops and dwelling-houses. The interior of this 
edifice is really very noble and imposing. Its cupola or 
dome has a particularly fine effect from its height and 
the tastefulness of its ornamentation, and is made more 
striking by a curious twist which the architect, by a com- 
bination of mechanical devices and ocular delusions, has 
contrived to make seemingly exist in a part of its circle. 
There are fifteen chapels, variously adorned, within the 
church. The chapel containing the high altar is ex- 
tremely rich and beautiful. The church has a profusion 
of paintings, many of which are highly venerated by 
those versed in such things, a great number of them 
having been executed by Alonzo Cano. Among these 
art-treasures those that most attracted my unskilled 
fancy were the portraits of Ferdinand and Isabella and 
Adam and Eve, all vouched for as authentic likenesses 
taken from life. Prominently displayed in various quar- 
ters of the sanctuary I observed notices — which are, 
however, relics of the past — sternly prohibiting all men 



128 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

from talking with any woman within its precincts, — an 
idea which might possibly work some good if applied to 
our congregations. 

Passing through a stately door we entered the royal 
chapel, the most interesting portion of the Cathedral, for 
here lie Ferdinand and Isabella, the conquerors of this 
land, — as an inscription in the chapel tells, — who brought 
it back to our faith, — the inscription goes on to say, — who 
acquired the Canary Isles and Indies, as well as the 
cities of Oran, Tripoli, and Bugia ; who crushed heresy, 
expelled the Moors and Jews from these realms, reformed 
religion — and died; the queen, November 26, 1504; the 
king, Januaiy 23, 1516. With them rest poor Crazy 
Jane, their daughter, and her husband Philip, whom she 
loved with such an appalling love. To commemorate 
them are two mausoleums, wrought of alabaster with 
exquisite skill and beauty and taste. On one of these 
niiignificent monuments lie extended the effigies of Fer- 
dinand and Isabella side by side, and on the other those 
of Philip and Jane. Both are elaborately sculptured 
with allegorical figures, emblems, and ornaments appro- 
priate in design and delicately executed. The bodies are 
in plain coffins deposited in the vault below, and Philip's 
coffin, it is said, is the one that his poor demented wife 
was wont to bear about with her for love of him. 

In this chapel are kept sundry relics of the sovereigns. 
There is a sword of Ferdinand's, and a sceptre and a 
crown and a mass-book belonging to the queen, together 
with a chasuble weighty with gold embroidery worked 
upon it by her own hands, and which our Scotch friend 
tried on with much satisfaction. The decorations of the 
altar possess a special interest, for amongst them are rep- 
resentations which give a valuable insight into the fashions 
of the times of the Conquest. And here is perpetrated 
another slanderous assault upon Boabdil, truly surnamed 
the Unluck3^ Surely, one would think he had been suf- 
ficiently vexed by the two Muleys, by his father Muley, 
and by his uncle Muley, and by evil tongues, to stay the 
further uplifting of the hand of man against him. But 
not so. After blighting him in fortune and in name they 
have at last struck a deadly blow at his personal appear- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 129 

ance, for here is a representation of the surrender of 
Granada, scooped and gousjed and chopped out of wood, 
in which the miserable monarcli is fio'ured with a visage 
which would have justified his harem in the eyes of men 
and devils in withdrawing from him in a body. Such 
depicturing as this can only be regarded as a mean out- 
rage on the defenseless, and the advantage they have 
taken of him is rendered all the more glaring by the fact 
that his religion forbidding the graving of images cut 
him oft" from retaliating in kind. 

Having fructified us fully with the Cathedral, the son- 
in-law repacked us in the omnibus and took us away out 
of town to the Carthusian Convent, in former days the 
abode of certain monks of that order, but now depopu- 
lated. But though solitary it is not desolate ; on the 
contrary, it contains a variety of well-kept objects worthy 
to be seen, for its legitimate occupants seem to have been 
a community of geniuses, gifted with skill in divers arts, 
which they exercised for the glory of the saints and the 
adorning of their holy habitation. 

We were first treated to some of the handiwork of the 
brother who was blessed with the gift of painting. This 
genius has adorned one extremity of an apartment with 
columns and arches hardly to be distinguished from solid 
marble; and on the wall of the old refectory he has 
painted the representation of a wooden cross so naturally 
as to delude the eye etfectually, — nay, the astute birds of 
the air themselves have actually been deceived by it, and 
have flown into the room and become terribly flustered to 
find that it yielded no rest to their feet. This is art, — 
and, above all, it is that style of art with which I do not 
scruple to claim a substantial acquaintance ; wherefore it 
is no empty compliment when 1 award to the artist my 
hearty word of approval and commendation for his impos- 
ing work. The versatile brother has, however, essayed 
in another walk, — and one that is, by some other critics, 
considered to be of a higher order than the one to which 
my own tastes incline, — namely, that of historical paint- 
ing. He has executed a great number of pieces in which, 
as one whose paramount object is to instruct should do, 

12 



130 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

he has entirely subordinated the esthetic to the practical 
by depicting plain matter-of-fact representations of the 
hanging-, drawing, and quartering of his fellow-creatures, 
theircrucifixion,theirroaKting, the sawing off' of their limbs, 
and other villainies perpetrated upon them ; whereby it is 
his design to keep in everlasting remembrance the perse- 
cutions inflicted upon the Catholics by the Protestants. 
It may possibly be imagined with what relish a pillar 
of the Kirk of Scotland, an expounder in the General 
Assembly, an adept in the shorter and the longer Cate- 
chism, and an earnest student of Fox's Book of Martyrs 
M'ould partake of such a feast as this. Our Scotch friend 
turned his nose high up as we passed by the long series 
with which the walls are covered, ])ronouncing them to be 
hideous daubs in manner and popish fables in matter. For 
my part, though they savored powerfully of the dissecting- 
room and charnel-house, I was monstrously pleased witt) 
them, for I am a man of extraordinary fairness of mind, 
ever glad to hear and see the other side of a question. It 
has been brought to my knowledge occasionally, for some 
years back, that the Catholics were wont to deal dread- 
fully by the Protestants, and it was now quite comforting 
to iind that they had been paid back in their own coin ; 
so that when I left the Convent it was with a feeling of 
sorrow for the frailty of all human flesh, and chanty to- 
wards both of the great sects, and a determination to 
trust neither as far as I could sling a bull by the tail. 
This same brother has also bequeathed us several speci- 
mens of his powers in another pliase of the historical 
walk, consisting of passages in the life of St. Bruno, the 
founder of the order of Carthusians. In execution the}^ 
partake of many of the plain matter-of-fact characteristics 
of the persecution series, and, as to the verity of the scenes 
depicted, 1 must confess that even my tolerant credulity 
was somewhat strained. Thus, it was at variance with m}'- 
ideas of physiology and pathology that a thoroughly dead 
man should be able to talk, even though his remarks were 
words in season ; and yet it was so represented on the 
canvas, and other anomalous incidents besides. Our 
Scotch friend summarily thrust them in the same category 
with the others, utterly abjuring faith in any of the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIO. 131 

paintings except the marble columns and the wooden 
cross. 

Our attention was next directed to the work of that 
brother whose gift was carpentry and cabinet-making. 
His talent was exercised chiefly in the manufacture of 
doors, and there is no gainsaying his ability. Nothing 
can be neater and more beautiful than the manner in 
which he has blended silver, and ebony, and tortoise-shell, 
and mother-of-pearl. Passing through his doors, we en- 
tered the church, to whose adornment every brother who 
had any sort of gift whatever has contributed, and which is 
resplendent with rich marbles and precious stones. The 
sacristy adjoining is a complete phantasmagoria, being 
lined and profusely decorated with variegated marble, in 
which the veins form all sorts of images. In one place 
I observed a profile of Louis Philippe, which, to the best 
of my recollection of him as seen on an occasional five- 
franc piece in the days of metallic currency, was strik- 
ingly like. There were also cats running up and rats 
running down, a number of men of note, beasts, birds, and 
fishes, and women, in great variety. It must be owned, 
however, that it requires something of the clairvoyant 
faculty to see these things clearly, and where several per- 
sons are contemplating the same object there is pretty sure 
to be a confusedness of vision with some of them and a con- 
trariety of judgment as to what the configuration most 
resembles. 

This finished the sights of the Carthusian Convent, and 
the Carthusian Convent finished the sights of Granada 
w^hich the son-iu-law thought worthy of our attention, — 
excepting the spot where Boabdil surrendered the keys of 
Granada. This is a place comparatively solitary, where 
stands a small and time-worn structure, originally a 
mosque, and now called the Chapel of San Sebastian. On 
the front of it is a tablet recording the fact of the surrender 
and identifying this as the scene of the impressive event. 

We had made arrangements for excursions into the 
vega, but the beautiful weather with which we had been 
favored on our arrival gave place to a series of cold, rainy, 
and snowy days, compelling us to abandon our plans. 
During this rough spell we had perforce to I'emaia in the 



132 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

house a great part of the time, where .each one occupied 
himself according to his bent, — I fertilizing ray mind bj 
reading the Madrid newspapers, my companion jarring up 
his torpid circulation by shivering, and our old Scotch 
friend laboring for the enlightenment of his benighted 
Sunday-school scholars by arranging notes for his lec- 
tures. All met at dinner, which was served at six o'clock, 
and remained together in the dining-room till bedtime. 
The social communion thus brought about was the most 
agreeable feature of our stay at Granada. Then would 
meet with us the gentleman of whom I have before made 
casual mention as a })ermanent inmate of the Hotel de 
Washington Irving. He was an English artist, possess- 
ing a great store of miscellaneous information, profoundly 
versed in Egyptian antiquities and other kinds of lore 
which one can acquire satisfactorily only by traveling. 
In his studio, to which he had the kindness to admit us, 
were a number of gems of art in the shape of paintings, 
vases, coins, fragments of mummy, and other like curiosi- 
ties, which the tasteful traveler picks up in his wanderings. 
Our Scotch friend, it must be remembered, had also 
journeyed into the land of Egypt, and claimed to be no 
less skilled in the learning of the Egyptians than the 
artist, and I know not when I have been more whole- 
somely edified than while listening to their vivacious 
disputes concerning the hieroglyphics, in which were 
elaborately discussed the era and interpretation of these 
symbols, and their relation to Biblical statements. In 
prosecuting these questions many other topics of exceed- 
ingly abstruse interest would be hit upon, — as The Causes 
of Things, The How-Be-It, The Why-Be-It, and The 
WherefoWBe-it, The Was, The Is, and The To-Be,— 
such matters as it is not given unto any man of our laggard 
land to understand till he have been illuminated by tiie 
light of The Hub. For a day or two there were some 
other American guests at the hotel, and when perplexed 
with hieroglyphics and metaphysics, I would turn to them 
and refresh myself with that blessed solace and comfort 
of our nation — the talking of politics. Now and then, 
too, our Scotch friend would fill up an interval with an 
admirable comic song, of unexceptionable gravity and de- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSW. I33 

coram, and always conveying some useful moral lesson; 
being every way worthy of the repertoire of an elder of 
the kirk. As we had the inexpressible good fortune to be 
unencumbered with any of the softer sex, our ideas and 
words flowed freely, and under the influence of the Val- 
depenas wine they sometimes assumed a phase of down- 
right levity, which would shock and scandalize our good 
Scotch friend not a little. Frequently, on these occasions, 
would be with us the brother-in-law of the son-in-law, — 
a most apt and ingenuous youth, worthy of relationship 
with that paragon, — who served at table in the capacity 
of assistant-waiter, auditor, and interlocutor. He picked 
up many scraps of wisdom in this way, and in return, it 
was to him we were indebted for the knowledge of that 
inestimable charm against persecution by beggars, which 
consists in saying, " Perdone usted por amor de Dios, 
herviano,^'' — " Excuse me, my brother, for the love of 
God," — which, as is well known, no really deserving 
beggar can withstand, and which would have been of 
incalculable service to us could we have framed to pro- 
nounce it right. 

The bad weather disheartened and discommoded us 
very much. Our Scotch friend's barometer had fallen in 
sympathy, and, as it remained most doggedly down, we 
concluded to return to Malaga. We would fain have had 
him return with us ; but he was bent on seeing the sun set, 
which it had not done to our knowledge for lo these many 
days, and, as there was no prospect of its ever visibly set- 
ting again, we were obliged to bid him adieu, with little 
chance of renewing our pleasant association. The provi- 
dent son-in-law put us up a straw bag of provisions, 
gave us a bottle of water, ordered up the vehiculary box, 
deposited us in it, commended us to God, and ordered 
the driver to take us off. 

We reached the station at Loja about nine o'clock, and 
speedily transferred our straw bag, our bottle, and our- 
selves into the diligence for Antequera, but providentially 
discovered our mistake in time to get into that for Malaga. 
We had great hopes for awhile of having the vehicle all 
to ourselves, but in the town there boarded us a lady and 
a child, and two gentlemen, as we would call them in our 

12* 



134 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

countiy, though they would hardly answer to that desig- 
nation in their own. It was a dreadful day, corresponding 
in all respects to the kind known in Virginia as " a real 
March day." There were great blasts of cold wind, with 
occasional violent bursts of rain, hail, and snow, making 
a dismal scene outside the diligence. At some of the 
more elevated points of the route we passed through 
snow three or four inches deep, and the wild crags and 
tortuous valleys, under the influence of the winter storm, 
looked bleak and cheerless to the last degree. 

But while all was dreary without we nestled together 
Avithin, and contrived to be comparatively comfortable. 
Our lady passenger was a fat, lively, and easy soul, full 
of loving kindness towards her male fellow-creatures. 
Her two countrymen became acquainted with her instan- 
taneously. One of them was of a somnolent frame of 
mind, more inclined to seek solace from intrinsic than ex- 
trinsic sources, and so he slumbered and slept; but the 
other, more social in his temperament, planted himself 
by the lady's side, and soon made himself so agreeable 
that he was offered a share of her shawl, which he did 
not hesitate to accept, and was in other respects placed 
upon a footing of the most delightful intimacy by this 
amiable woman. She was, indeed, a most affable and 
complaisant creature. Even I, grave, severe, and unap- 
proachable, as is generally admitted, was beguiled by her 
into sweet converse, and found myself actually engaged 
in the unwonted occupation of edulcorating sentiments 
for her titillation. It is true that we did not have a 
common language ; but the gentleman by her side, who 
spoke French, was so exceptionally self-abnegating as to 
volunteer as interpreter, and I have every reason to be- 
lieve that he faith fulh' preserved all the original sweet- 
ness of our remarks. In response to an inquiry, I told 
her I was from the United States, — which fact did 
not impress her as forcibly as it should have done, be- 
cause of her belief that that country was in England — 
a land with which she was reasonably familiar. On the 
other hand, however, she was powerfully struck, and, 
ihdeed, bewildered by the discrepancy in time between 
America and Spain as exhibited by my watch, wdiich 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIO. 135 

was set to Richmond time, and eagerly demanded how 
could such things be. Upon this I did as erstwhile did 
that Smith whose name was John, when in the hands of 
Indians panting after astronomical truth. I drew forth 
my watch, and by "that jewel instructed her concerning 
the roundness of the earth, and how the sun did chase the 
night round about the earth continually," — whereat she 
marveled greatly. 

We dined off and on during the whole day, sharing 
our respective supplies with each other. The two gen- 
tlemen had provided nothing, relying trustfully upon 
Providence, which befriended them signally, for our excel- 
lent lady companion had brought a basket stowed to 
overflowing with succulent meats and dainty fruits. and 
cakes, of which they partook ravenously. As for our- 
selves, when we came to investigate our portly straw 
bag, we found that the usually cautious son-in-law had 
committed the singular oversight of packing it with all 
bread and no meat. Under these circumstances we felt 
that we could not equitably partake of the good lady's 
hospitality ; but she fed us with rich morsels from her 
own fair hands, and would take no denial ; in return for 
which we could only water all hands out of our bottle, 
which was, however, considered to be a full equivalent. 

Among the commendable traits for which this worthy 
lady was conspicuous, was charity to the poor. She 
dealt out half cents with a profuse hand among the beg- 
gars which beset us along the wa3^ She gave away all 
she had, and then mourned because she had no more to 
give to the new applicants. One persistent petitioner 
grieved her especially. He followed us for miles, trotting 
through the snow and sleet with an energy which, if ex- 
ercised in any other calling, would have secured him an 
independent fortune, being now and then left far behind 
as we galloped down into a valley, but always catching 
up with us as we toiled up a hill. His solicitations were 
made in a tone of heart-rending dolor which no repre- 
sentations, or expostulations, or threats could silence for 
a moment. Even the never -failing "Excuse me, my 
brother,'- etc., failed totally. The good lady's soul was 
becoming sorely distressed. In this extremity we be- 



136 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

thought ourselves of knocking him down with our bread- 
bag, which we did accordingly. It utterly demohshed 
him, and the examination of its contents afforded him 
interest sufficient to divert his attention from us perma- 
nently. 

At length through the misty air we descried the Medi- 
terranean and Malaga far below us We rumbled on for 
a long time after this, and the shades of night had set- 
tled upon the bleak earth by the time we reached the 
city. We dashed through the streets with great fuss and 
furore to the office of the diligence, where the passengers 
rapidly diverged, — the lady and gentlemen speeding to 
some unknown places, or place, and we repairing to our 
original apartments in the Hotel de la Alameda.* 



CHAPTER XI. 



Of the Steamer Jackal, and of our Voyage in her to the Rock of Gibral- 
tar — Of Gibraltar and its Features, Military aud Civil. 

It was our purpose to retrace our steps to some extent 
by going to Gibraltar, and having no wish to linger in 
Malaga, we immediately set about investigating the modes 
of egress. They proved to be very precarious. A steamer 
from somewhere bound for Gibraltar was momentarily 
expected to enter the harbor, but she never did it in our 
time. Another steamer, then in port, was advertised as 
certain to sail thither each morning, but she invariably 
postponed her departure to the next day. In this man- 
ner we were kept in a vexatious fidget for three days, 



* Prom statements in '' Search after Sunbeams," by the Hon. S. S. 
C')X, whose visit to Granada was subsequent to mine, I perceive that 
the extraordinary son-in-law, of whom mention is made in this and the 
preceding chapter, has added another feather to his cap by assuming 
command of the Granada militia. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. IS'j 

waiting for one vessel that was coming, but didn't come, 
and for another that was going, but wouldn't go. 

At the end of the three days, however, the hotel com- 
missioner, on whom we depended in our troubles, brought 
us a positive assurance that the advertised steamer would 
inevitably venture forth next morning beyond the per- 
adventure of a doubt. lie also gave us the encouraging- 
information that this steamer was a most noble and com- 
modious specimen of naval architecture, and, further, 
that by his interest with the captain he had induced that 
functionary to do us the honor of placing his own cabin 
at our entire disposal. Accordingly, we rose betimes on 
the appointed day, pretermitting an early breakfast in 
deference to the representation of the commissioner that 
all the luxuries of the season were to be obtained on board, 
rewarded the said commissioner munificently for his care 
of us, took boat in fine spirits, and were soon alongside. 

As we stepped on the deck of the steamer, and viewed 
the scene, our hearts grew heavy within us. Her name 
was Jackal, and she was the most minute craft I ever 
knew to have the temerity to navigate the high seas. 
The passengers' cabin was a little box containing hardly 
more space than was necessary to stow away our over- 
coats and carpet-bags. The captain's cabin, reported by 
the commissioner to be assigned to us, — though the re- 
port was not confirmed, — was a cavity in which a lands- 
man would die in less than an hour, the entrance into 
which was effected by tumbling in, and the exit by crawl- 
ing out on the back. Into this tiny vessel passengers, 
by no means of a select order, were gathering in crowds, 
for the long interval that had elapsed since the last de- 
parture had caused a great accumulation of them ; and I 
have no doubt tliat it was with a view to this accumula- 
tion that the Jackal had lingered. These people seemed 
to be emigrating permanently, judging from the hetero- 
geneous mass of baggage the\^ were taking with them. 
It encumbered the whole ship, and it was absolutely ap- 
palling to contemplate the loss of old bedsteads, old 
chests, and old lumber, that must accrue in case of ship- 
wreck. As many of the ladies as could cram into the 
coop below got in it, and there they stuck as tight as 



138 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

wax. As for the men, they deposited themselves where 
and how they could 

At seven o'clock we began to weigh anchor, — in which 
operation, however, we were suddenly brought to a 
stand-still ))y finding the contrivance foul. The cheery 
pull of the mariners now rapidly degenerated into a dis- 
heartening tug, — the resistance was too great for them, 
and they were obliged to send forth a wail for succor to 
the passengers. These responded promptly, — conspicu- 
ous among whom was a tall Moor in full national rig of 
dirt-colored turban and night-gown, who tucked up his 
petticoat and went right in, straining for life, and ont- 
jerking the Christians all hollow. All kinds of mechani- 
cal dodges were brought to bear in aid of the work, but 
at last it was only by the desperate resort of cutting the 
cable with a cold-chisel that deliverance was obtained. 
These manipulations consumed an hour, at the end of 
which time we made a bona fide start, — the old thing 
wobbling gloriously from top-heaviness. As the captain did 
not suspect that he had more load already than he ought 
to have, he took a sloop in tow, — as he would have un- 
hesitatingly done by a hundred more had the opportunity 
offered. Indeed, all nautical business in these waters is 
carried on with a view not to special but general accom- 
modation; commanders being perfectly willing to depart 
from their course, or retrace it, or linger, or stop for 
any length of time on the way, if any one wishes it, 
and will pay reasonably for it. Persons, therefore, who 
have occasion to voyage over these seas must bear these 
facts in mind, and prepare themselves in accordance there- 
with. 

In the mean while we took counsel with the steward, 
cabin-boy, and cook, — all of which personages were con- 
solidated into a dirty little youth, — hoping that at least 
the statements of the commissioner relative to the 
sumptuousness of the fare might in some degree be veri- 
fi^ed. We found, however, that the dirty little youth also 
filled the position of common seaman, and could by no 
means attend to us till the ship was fairly under way. 
When this was accomplished, he set about preparing our 
repast, in which he showed great aptitude, getting it 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 139 

ready in a jiffy, and setting it forth in the captain's 
cavern, where we tumbled into it. It comprised bread 
and cheese and no meat, but, in lieu thereof, fried eggs 
impregnated to the core with garlic. A more abomina- 
ble mess, not even excepting the assafoetida mixture of 
tbe Pharniacopceia, I never saw ; in fact, the only edibles 
in the range of my experience comparable therewith were 
certain eggs whereon I once banqueted in Minnesota, on 
which a skunk had incubated the preceding night. We 
bolted a little of it down our throats as a matter of duty 
to our stomachs, when finding that if we escaped stran- 
gulation by the breakfast we were sure of suffocation 
by the cabin, w^e rose from table, got on our backs, and 
crawled to the upper air. 

By this time we were well out of the harbor to where 
the sea was a little rough, and the Jackal began to ramp 
and rear mercilessly. The natural consequences fol- 
lowed. Sea-sickness was developed and rapidly spread. 
It broke out first among the females in the passengers' 
coop, and, as they neither would nor could get out, some 
appalling scenes ensued among that densely-packed com- 
munity. The deck-passengers likewise suffered severely. 
The tall Moor became infected, but he loomed up patient 
under the affliction, supported by the resignation engen- 
dered by his accursed creed. He was evidently satisfied 
that there is but one God and Mohammed is the prophet 
of God, and let her rip. I myself was by no means 
scathless ; indeed, on no voyage was I ever less so. 
Though pre-eminently a much-enduring man, the garlicky 
eggs had unmanned me and my resolution palled. The 
sci'upulous regard for appearances, however, that ever 
actuates me nerved me to put forth all my self-control, 
and I made no visible sign of yielding; but had nobody 
been looking I would assuredly have given up and 
allowed the tyrant to do its worst. 

The prudent captain skirted the shore closely all the 
way ; and truly it presented a goodly scene as we wended 
slowly past. It rises green and fertile from the sea, cul- 
minating inland in mountain-peaks, many of them clad in 
snow — the range continuing almost to Gibraltar. p]very 
now and then a village conies in to fill up the picture, 



140 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

and an abundnnce of detached houses scattered every- 
where spreads animation over the whole landscape. 
Riizht ahead towers the great rock of Gibraltar itself, 
visible long before we near it. The time from Malaga 
does not usually exceed six or seven hours, but, encum- 
bered by the sloop in tow, we were yet some distance off 
when the evening began to close in. Aware that no 
earthly power could get us within the gates of the town 
after sunset, it was with great anxiety that we meditated 
upon the possibility of having to spend the night on the 
Jackal. On reaching the rock we had to almost circum- 
navigate it, and our little steamer seemed to shrink to 
nothingness as she grazed its tremendous sides rising 
steep and inaceessil)le far above us. A dingy vegetation 
covers it, looking like the moss on an old weatherbeaten 
cow-house, and at its base are several groups of build- 
ings, seeming no bigger than baby-houses by the con- 
trast. We rounded Europa Point, passed batteries innu- 
merable, and then anchored in the bay before the town. 

The abominable mode of landing by boats prevails 
here likewise, and our anchor dropped amidst a great 
flock of them. The boatmen were the most rapacious 
monsters we encountered anywhere. Without a mo- 
ment's notice they seized our baggage, and we had to 
rise like men and defend it. A regular battle was joined; 
but we, having right and sticks and umbrellas on our 
side, were crowned with a precarious victory. During 
the unstable truce they gave us pointedly to understand 
that we should have no peace till we detinitely fixed on 
one of them. This ravenousness was explained by a 
musty old veteran amongst them as due to the circum- 
stance that "there were too few bones for so many dogs." 
Charmed by the pregnant wisdom of the mouldy sage, 
we straightway selected him, and, there being honor 
amongst thieves, the others yielded us as his exclusive 
prey. 

On attaining the shore we were forthwith reminded 
that we had passed out of the pale of civil liberty and 
were in the dread limbo of martial law. We were halted 
before a tribunal outside the gates and made to give an 
account of ourselves, after which we were furnished with 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 141 

a pass which secured us entrance into the town. But 
from an absolutely groundless terror that we might use 
our medicine-chest for the demoralization of the troops 
they temporarily confiscated it — an intolerable outrage, 
which, however, the priceless wisdom we had accumu- 
lated in the Confederate War enabled us partially to cir- 
cumvent, for we contrived to smuggle in a goodly vial 
of medicament. As we were passing through the streets 
on our way to the hotel a flash of light glimmered and 
then a roar came booming from the heights above. It 
was the evening gnn, and we felicitated ourselves on 
being happily in the town; for they are strict construc- 
tionists here, and would feel no delicacy in slamming 
their gates in the face of the most illustrious foreigner 
were he a minute behind the appointed time. 

We put up at the Club-hduse Hotel — an establishment 
which confronts the town-hall, tiie tobacco auction, and 
the market, and which is in high favor with the military. 
Owing to the European proclivity of foisting upon one 
man space enough to accommodate a whole family, the 
hotel had become overstocked, and we had to take quar- 
ters in an adjoining building — and at the very summit of 
it. As there were two of us, they felt that we could not 
be adequately lodged in less than three rooms, and this 
was the number we w^ere put into, which were sumptu- 
ously furnished with the customary lounges, pictures, 
bijouterie, etc., and a clock hamstrung, but made of the 
purest brass. To serve us we had two maids — one a 
very old maid, a grandmother in fact; and the other a 
very young maid; the former speaking no English, and 
the latter speaking excellent English, but strictly in the 
line of duty; for I was amazed after hearing her fluent 
discourse on wash-basins, beds, etc , to find that on not 
another topic could she be brought to any understanding, 
lu order, however, to avail ourselves of their services we 
had to resort to devices. One was to go out on the 
landing and dance a breakdown with stick and umbrella; 
another was to poke our heads out of window and bawl 
without remorse or dread ; but the most certain was to 
go down-stairs, catch a maid, if we could, and fetch her 
up. Hard by us was an important post at which a sen- 

13 



142 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

tinel was kept stationed after dark, who suffered nothing 
whatever to pass his beat without obtaining his permis- 
sion, — which was, however, always jrranted, and in the 
tone of a funeral dirge. As wayfarers by this road were 
rather frequent, the singing of such staves as " Pass 
soldier — and all's well," "Pass donkey — and all's well," 
was common — whereby our sleep was relieved of much 
of its monotony. 

Our sustenance was taken in the hotel proper, where 
the tahle-cVhote was set for dinner at seven o'clock. In 
the preparation and conduct of the meal English customs 
were intended to be followed, but I perceived no striking 
difference from the Spanish fashion except a religious 
withholding of wine unless it were paid for extra. At 
the dinner-table the military patrons appeared in great 
glory, and, with the boldness proper to their calling, 
were ever pressing manfully to the front in the conver- 
sation. Vast quantities of valuable observations were 
being continually fired off by them heterogeneously 
amongst the plates and dishes, which if they shed no 
great light made a very satisfactory noise. 

As seen from the hotel the rock towers grandly to the 
skies, as well it may, being fourteen hundred and thirty 
feet in height. It is three miles in length, and of a shape 
which has been likened to that of a lion, and the observer 
will readily admit that the comparison is well sustained. 
Nestling at its base and clinging to its sides is the town, 
which is not large nor by any means bewitching in ap- 
pearance, though it has a busy look about it. A good 
deal seems to be done in Barbarian tea-trays and trinketry, 
and smuggling is a most thriving branch of industry. 
The houses are severely plain in architectural style and 
finish, and the streets are narrow and disposed to run in 
polygons, many of them bearing names of direful augury 
suggestive of war. Donkej's abound, and the mode of 
vehicular locomotion is by Irish jaunting-cars and other 
outlandish contrivances. Beggars are few, and the women 
are pretty. 

The town is inhabited by a mixture of English, Span- 
iards, and Moors, who give an interesting variety to its 
scenes by their peculiarities ; and it is enlivened by the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PUTS TO. 143 

constant passage of bodies of the military, making it a 
perfect paradise for the boys, who can follow the warriors 
around from morning till night. It is pleasing to the eye 
to see these fine-looking red-coated soldiers, some of them 
clad in pantaloons of black cloth, and some of them in 
pantaloons ostensibly of rag-carpeting (though in reality 
they may be of a kind of Scotch plaid), while the ear is 
no less interested in hearing the clatter of kettle-drums, 
the shrill whistle of fifes, and the mortal groaning of bag- 
pipes. At evening gunfire a grand combination of all 
these musical appliances is wont to go over the town to 
notify all concerned that it is getting dark, with an effect 
which is electrical upon one not used to it. One of the 
favorite evening hymns of tlie band, if not the " Rogue's 
March," was something of appalling likeness to it, and 
another was that great and good Yankee melody of 
"Tramp, Tramp," which, I may mention by the way, I 
heard in almost every European town I entered. 

This immense rock stands solitary and alone, being 
surrounded on all sides by the sea, except at its northern 
extremity, where it abruptly terminates in a junction 
with the broad plain called "the neutral ground," which 
connects it with the Spanish territory. Both parties 
have a line of sentry-boxes on their respective borders of 
the neutral ground where they mount guard with the 
solemnity and circumspection due to a state of war, 
though they are very lenient to non-combatant passen- 
gers, especially if they be smugglers. The English have 
all this place undermined, so that they can blow up in- 
vaders who might have the audacity to approach in this 
direction; and if the blowing up should fail to stop them, 
they have contrivances for flooding it, so as to drown 
them into the bargain. But, indeed, an army competent 
to mount this face of the rock, or any other, for that 
matter, must be an army of acrobats. If there be one 
part naturally more vulnerable to assault than another it 
is the western side, where the town is situated ; but wo 
betide him who should hence be tempted to assail it ; for 
art has rectified any shortcomings of nature, and this is 
now as impregnable as any other portion. In fact, all 
around and over the rock are fortifications of different 



144 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

kinds, many of them at points palpal)ly unassailable, and 
although the place is already absolutely proof against 
any assault, they are still erecting additional works of 
the most elaborate and costly character. 

Having surfeited my sight wit!) the works on the out- 
side, I prepared to inspect those made within the bowels 
of the rock, as well as to ascend to the summit for the 
sake of the prospect. In order to do these things, the 
regulations require that a permit must be obtained from 
some military functionary or other. As the permit is 
never refused, this requirement is clearly a case of red 
tapestry, inflicting bother without commensurate advan- 
tage ; and as it involves a waste of time, which is sinful, 
I concluded to have nothing to do with it, but to trust to 
my pleasing countenance and engaging manner to get me 
through. Accordingly, I set forth with great spirit, and, 
after climbing awhile, found myself entangled in some- 
body's yard, hard by an interesting-looking old castle, 
which has come down from the days of the primitive 
Moors. The proprietor of the yard and his wife soon 
sallied out of their dwelling to see who it was that was 
trying to pick their locks and break down their gates and 
doors. I demanded of them to show me out of there 
and direct me in the right track, which they did with 
much suavity and kindness. I was greatly pleased with 
their deportment, and paused for some time in order to 
commune with them, when we discussed the relations 
subsisting between the United States and England, agree- 
ing in the judiciousness of fomenting peace and good will 
between these two great peoples. Setting forth again, 
I had climbed a little higher, when, somewhat to my dis- 
may, I fell in with a guard, who halted me and asked for 
my pass. I told liim I had not thought it necessary, and 
so had not got one. I spoke with a doubting heart, but 
simultaneously drew upon him one of my most wide- 
extending and seductive grins. The event confirmed my 
belief in the irresistibility of my charms. Said the guard, 
in his most complaisant tones, " It is absolutely necessary 
to have a pass, but not to have one makes no difference 
in the world." By this time my visage was mantled all 
over with grins inexpressibly winning; and this operated 



OF A DOCTOR OF FIIYSIC. 145 

on him so that he straightway hunted up a gunner, and, 
putting me under his charge, ordered him to show nie 
everything. 

Accordingly, under tlie care of the gunner, I pene- 
trated into the interior of the rocli and beheld its wonders. 
It is a surprising example of what man can accomplish 
by the expenditure of labor and money, and here the ex- 
penditure of both has been enormous. The rock, from 
near the base to the top, is tunneled into a series of pas- 
sages, and at intervals is excavated into spacious cham- 
bers, in the walls of which numerous embrasures are 
pierced, through which peer out the voracious snouts of 
ugly, snaky-looking cannons. The magazines for ammu- 
nition, and the other arrangements proper to a fortress, 
are all upon the most judicious plan ; so that it is one of 
the safest and most commodious places for fighting pur- 
poses imaginable, — the defenders having notliing to ap- 
prehend except being smothered in their own smoke or 
run crazy by their own noise, or possibly of getting a 
crack on the cranium from a flake of the wall, which 
seems rather crumbly, and looks as if tolerable-sized 
chunks might be jarred down by the concussion of firing,' 
though I was informed liy the gunner that nothing of the 
sort ever occurred. There is decidedly more work be- 
stowed hereabouts than there is any need for ; but this 
may be partly due to the fact that, during the great siege 
that begun in 1779 and lasted over three years, the occu- 
pants being at ease and feeling the want of something to 
do, turned to excavating, and a great deal of the tunnel- 
ing and chambering now to be seen is the result of their 
industry. 

Parting with the gunner, who kicked up from the road 
a great piece of bombshell, a relic of the three years' 
siege, and presented it to me as a token of regard, I pro- 
ceeded to toil up to the ver}^ summit of the rock. The 
v\^ay thither is long and with abrupt turns, passing fre- 
quently along the edge of declivities ; and, being formed 
of rough fragments of stone, involves considerable wear 
and tear of the muscular system and entails death and 
destruction upon shoe-leather. Persons who study econ- 
omy in these particulars, in making the ascent are wont 

13* 



146 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

to invoke the aid of donlceys ; and in coming down I 
encountered a party of my fellow-guests of the hotel thus 
circumstanced, who, as they were law-abiding people, had 
craved passes of the authorities, whereby they had been 
kept waiting all the morning, and a very imposing spec- 
tacle they presented on donkey-back. The topmost pin- 
nacle of the rock is occupied as a signal station, and beer 
is for sale on the premises. Here are all the appliances 
for signaling, — guns, masts, flags, and telescopes ; and 
two or three observers, with their eyes forever on the 
strain. These observers appear to be somewhat selfish 
and unsocial, treating their visitors rather cavalierly, 
and conducting themselves in a manner which is not 
seemly towards people who have come so far to see them. 
They did not pray me to be seated, nor insist upon my 
taking a look through their telescopes, nor even speak to 
me ; in short, I inferred that they did not desire the 
pleasure of my company ; for these reasons, therefore, I re- 
clined against the ramparts, drew forth my spy-glass, and 
stayed a long time with them. From this lofty height the 
view is one of the grandest in the world, emlDracing vast 
portions of Africa and Spain, the Mediterranean Sea, and 
the Atlantic Ocean. Below me lay the town of Gibraltar, 
spread upon the side of the rock with its bay dotted over 
with vessels, all made wonderfully diminutive by the dis-- 
tance. Before me was Algeeiras, and sweeping to the 
right extended a vast expanse of hill and plain," with here 
and there a Spanish town, and bounded by far-off ranges 
of sierras. To the left I could catch a glimpse of the 
African coast, but obscured by the misty weather that 
day prevailing; while behind me rolled a great waste of 
waters, made gloomy and portentous by a hazy shroud, 
into which now and then a wandering ship would pene- 
trate, become enwrapped, and disappear. 

To a contemplative mind, such as mine becomes when 
I have no one to talk to, a scene like this affords food for 
prolonged reflection, and I was slow to shut my sp3'-glass 
upon it. But the winds blow rudely round this bare and 
lofty ridge, and it behooved me not to linger unduly. In 
the descent I collided with another guard ; but having 
now happily accomplished my purpose, I felt that it was 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 14-7 

scarcely worth while to waste my sweetness upon him. 
In response to his inquiry about my pass, therefore, I 
simply stated that I saw no sense or reason in such 
things, and so had lent no countenance to the custom ; 
at the same time, however, I favored him with a semi- 
smile to let him see I bore no malice to him personally. 
He was a much more rifrid constructionist than his pre- 
decessor, and believed lirmly in the salutary power of 
passes, and gave me reasons for the faith that was in 
him ; but, seeing that I was moving off of his premises 
as fast as I could, he consented to overlook the grave 
error I had committed and allow me to go on unmo- 
lested. 

The military authorities, while concentrating their best 
energies upon the fortification of their stronghold, have 
yet directed some of their efforts towards its adornment. 
They have laid out an alameda, or public square, with 
flowers and shrubbery, and pyramids of balls, and a mon- 
ument or two, and have done it very handsomely. They 
have made of it a pleasant place wherein to lounge or sit 
and dream over the mysterious sea tliat stretches before 
it, or to watch the skillful evolutions of the troops upon 
the spacious drill-ground adjoining. The citizens glory 
in the alameda and patrol it pertinaciously, for of other 
recreation there seems to be but little. Yet there is not 
a total dearth of amusement even in this iron town. I 
saw bills posted announcing that there would be a public 
execution of a drama, whose name I forget, by the officers 
of her Majesty's Somethingth for the edification of the 
people, — and God save the Queen prayed her Majesty's 
Somethingth. There was also a fair running in full blast 
for the benefit of the poor. The bond of fellowship that 
connects me with this worthy class induced me to attend 
to see what they were doing for us. I found the fair 
to be identical with the church fairs of our land, where 
the sanctuary is filled with lovely beings lying, cheating, 
and committing highway robbery in every quarter. Here, 
however, they had the grace to notify the victims by pla- 
card that whatever they got their hands on they kept, — 
no change being given on any pretense whatever. I was 
drawn into the vortex by a seductive creature, who lisped 



148 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

just enouirh English to make her irresistible. Under the 
bnleful inlluence of her enchantments I expended fortj 
cents in a bunch of weeds, which I bestowed upon her 
for her adorning-, and then took to gambling, at which I 
was crowned witli so much success as to win a verj 
chaste collocation of chicken feathers ; but, as the distri- 
bution of booty was not to take place till I should have 
quit the country, I did grant and confirm my right in this 
also unto the tempter, to have and to hold the said collo- 
cation of chicken feathers, unto the said tempter, her heirs 
and assigns forever. 

When the military features of Gibraltar have been suf- 
ficiently studied and the novelty of the alameda has been 
worn ofl", a great vacuum is left to daunt the sojourner's 
mind. To replenish it as far as might be, I betook my- 
self to the market, wdiose proi)inquity to the hotel made it 
a very convenient loafing-placc, where I spent many hours 
contemplating the phases of life there exhibited. Here 
are sold old iron, cracked crockery, wormy books, and 
garments of the deceased; and as the purchasers are of 
many nations, ranks, and conditions of men, women, and 
children, the picture, while it may not enrapture the 
weary spectator, will possibly keep him from perishing 
utterly before he is able to get away from the rock. Here, 
too, on certain days is held the tobacco auction, — a great 
business being done in Gibraltar in the smuggling of this 
commodity, — and as part of the auctioneer's " once, 
twice, three" and "going, gone" is rendered in English 
and part in Spanish, the effect upon the casual listener is 
quite pleasing. 

The climate of Gibraltar is amongst the worst in 
Southern Europe, — a circumstance largely due to the 
fact that the town is sw^ept by the noxious wind called 
the Levanter. Hence an invalid would dp well to make 
but a short visit, even supposing that anybody having 
power to get away would make a long one. But, indeed, 
there are no inducements tending to a prolonged stay. It 
is a spot that possesses no abiding interest for any but 
those who relish the pomp and circumstance of glorious 
war, — for which, after the shoving up to the front I not 
long ago had from my Southern brethren and the chasing 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHY SIC. 149 

back to the rear I got from the fierce men of the North, 
I, for one, am free to confess that I have no great stom- 
ach. As no immediate opportunity for leaving it offered 
itself to us we had perforce to remain some days more 
than we intended, and we suffered not a little from the 
surfeit. 



CHAPTER XII. 



How we extended our Observations into Heathenesse, and of the strange 
Things we there saw. 

The shores of Africa spreading beyond the Straits 
offer a tantalizing sight to the traveler tarrying at Gi- 
braltar, luring him irresistibly to cross the narrow waters 
that roll between. For us, especially, that country was 
of absorbing interest from the vast influence it has ex- 
ercised in shaping the destinies of our own people. We 
yielded to our feelings and went over ; and it is a source 
of never-ending rejoicing and thanksgiving that we have 
been permitted to enter the fatherland of the new order 
of statesmen appointed to regenerate the South. 

The point at which we proposed to make our descent 
was Tangier, in Morocco, about thirty miles from Gibral- 
tar. Accordingly, one Sunday morning, in company with 
sundry other temporary residents of Gibraltar, we took 
passage in a steamer small in size but great in name, 
being entitled "The Belgian Lion." It w^as our purpose, 
having no wish to journey unnecessarily on the Sabbath, 
to have made the voyage on another steamer advertised 
all over town as sure to go to Tangier on the day before ; 
but this craft had received more advantageous over- 
tures, and with characteristic duplicity had stolen off to 
Cadiz in the night. The Belgian Lion waited long be- 
yond the appointed time, so as to afford any waverers 
there might be on shore ample opportunity to make up 
their minds to go, and at last reluctantly started. 

When we had got well under way, the passengers, 



150 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

with one accord, as germane to the day, fell into dis- 
course concerning religious topics. Noticing l)egets ar- 
gument more surely than religion — except politics; and 
in nothing does argument advantage controversialists so 
little; for I have observed that the only uuequivocal 
conviction ever attained is that each disputant is con- 
vinced that the other is a fool. Between two of our 
passengers an argument of this nature burst out, em- 
bracing in its scope faith, works, and being born again, — 
and sugared through and through with sweet morsels of 
instruction dripping with nourishment for the listeners. 
But at its most succulent and nutritive part, to our great 
loss, it was most unhappily concluded by one of the dis- 
putants getting irremediably sea-sick just as he was on the 
point of establishing beyond all doubt or cavil that his views 
were correct,^ — a conclusion still more infelicitous in that 
it aft'orded his opponent plausible ground for claiming a 
great victory. Allowing the victor time to digest his 
self-satisfaction I then entered into conversation with him 
myself, judiciously changing the theme. I found him to 
be a gentleman of parts and observation, who had trav- 
eled much and been on terms of intimacy with some of 
the distinguished men of the earth. Of these worthies 
he gave me many interesting particulars. He spoke, 
among others, of Sir Samuel Baker, whose accounts of 
achievements in the subjugation of wild beasts I bad 
perused with feelings of the most respectful wonder, and 
he informed me that by the citizens of Ceylon, who knew 
Sir Samuel well, and were conversant with his attain- 
ments in gunnery, he was esteemed to be more dexterous 
with the long-bow than with any other weapon. 

The European and African coasts were both in sight 
during the whole passage, — the latter presenting a mo- 
notonous aspect of low hills clothed in a sickly green. 
The waters of the Mediterranean pressing through the 
narrow straits are rapid and turbulent in their fiow, and 
as it was somewhat windy on this occasion the Belgian 
Lion grew very rampant, prostrating most of the voy- 
agers. In about four hours and a half we turned into the 
bay of Tangier and beheld the town rising before us. 
From the sea Tangier presents a very imposing appear- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 151 

ance, thoujyh the full measure of the imposition will not 
be realized till the beholder gets on shore. As we ap- 
proached a multitude of boats came off loaded with Arabs 
eager to take us to the land. These persons were un- 
comely exceedingly to look upon, and the squalls and 
squeaks and blubberings, which are the elements of their 
vernacular, to hear were most grievous. We fell into the 
power of a fat, squabby, yellow Moor, with a face which 
looked for all the world as if it had been peppered with 
peas during a raid on a watermelon-patch, who beat us 
and several others down into a boat already overflowing 
with the superabundant crew which navigates these crafts. 
And now before we started a terrible outbreak occurred, 
occasioned by the discovery of a surreptitious boatman, 
whom the rashness of insatiable greed had impelled to 
interpolate himself amongst the legitimate navigators in 
the hope that he might peradventure obtain the twentieth 
part of a cent out of the earnings, even at the sacrifice 
of his hide and tallow. Such screams as arose when this 
enormity was brought to light are altogether inconceiva- 
ble. All hands fell to swearing and blubbering dread- 
fully, and fastening upon the impostor set to work with 
might and main to throw him overboard. As these pro- 
ceedings gave an indubitable earnest of the swamping of 
the boat the matter became personal to every soul in it, 
and every soul in it at once became implicated in the con- 
troversy, bellowing forth his sentiments with all the em- 
phasis of the language which nature had endued him 
withal. In the mean time the false one, being of a thin 
and wormy corporature, had intertwisted himself so with 
the seats of the boat that he could not be extracted ; 
wherefore the true men at last were contented to simply 
subject him to pressure by standing on him, and then laid 
their course for shore. 

While slill some distance from the landing-place we 
reached a point where our bottom dragged, beyond which 
boats are unable to go, and where it was necessary to 
take to manback. A large fragment of the population of 
Tangier was out riotously demanding to be employed in 
tills capacity. Almost before I knew it a little Arab 
pulled my legs around his neck and ran away with me. 



152 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

Being equipped with an overcoat, a carpet-bag, a cane, 
and my companion's big black vi;d of medicament, and, 
furthermore, being so suddenly hoisted up, I was rather 
top-heavy. My Arab steed soon began to stumble 
awfully, and for awhile I thougi)t I was doomed. I 
yelled " Gee hup !" and " Wope sar !" and he squealed and 
seemed to intimate that I was choking him to death, 
but at last, glory be to Allah ! we floundered safely to 
land. Our peppered-visaged guide, who hitherto had had 
as much as he could do in bawling and swearing and 
throwing people overboard, here resumed control of us ; 
and working us dexterously through the custom-house 
soon had us in the Royal Victoria Hotel, where he intro- 
duced us to Mr. Martin, the landlord — a real, simon-pure 
African, as pure as any in our corntields. We shook Mr. 
Martin's hands most warmly, and were by him heartily 
welcomed to Africa, and straightwa}' furnished with 
lunch — at which repast we consumed Mr Martin's whole 
supply of sardines, comprising three-fourths of a box. 
After this we went forth to inspect the city. 

Tangier is one of the few spots at which the worthy 
old empire of Morocco suffers itself to come in contact 
•with the defilements of the outside world. For two hun- 
dred years or so the Portuguese had violent hold of it, and 
it figures somewhat in the military history of England 
during the times of Charles II. Its inhabitants are reputed 
to number something like ten thousand ; and some of 
those inexplicable biases of mind which at times so 
strangel}^ influence human actions have led about four 
hundred Europeans to become an element in its popula- 
tion. It is one of the great consular stations of the 
earth, almost every nation big and little having a repre- 
sentative here; but what except a desire of showing its 
enterprise could induce any country to inflict such an 
appointment on an unoffending citizen, or what except a 
monomania for office-holding could induce any citizen to 
accept it, is hard to divine. 

Heaven has clearly abandoned Tangier, and the Gen- 
ius of Lethargy has taken it body and soul. It consists 
of a mass of whitewashed, amorphous houses jumbled 
together, the bare si"-ht of which is sufficient to narcotize 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 153 

a man from America; and amongst them winds a horrible 
maze of narrow, miserably paved, breakneck streets. 
Communication with Europe has impressed the magis- 
tracy with the advantages to be derived from attention 
to public hygiene ; and, indeed, they profited so greatly 
by the examples in this particular set before them as 
at one time to have almost annihilated the town by 
the establishment of an interminable quarantine. It is, 
natural, therefore, that they should have organized a 
Board of Health and Sanitary Police ; and 1 was pleased 
to see the organization, consisting of a big man and a 
little donkey with a pair of panniers over his back, trying 
to clean the thoroughfares, — though, as I looked around, 
my mind misgave me that the municipal authorities had 
undertaken a task to which their abilities were not com- 
mensurate. As viewed from some of the eminences in 
the vicinity the place has quite a picturesque appear- 
ance, but it bears close inspection as ill as can well be 
imagined. 

The amount of business done here is almost impercep- 
tible. They do some trading with Gibraltar in oranges, 
chickens, and cattle ; but they do it at their leisure. The 
inhabitants are exquisitely lazy, although they are gen- 
erally a tall, muscular set of fellows, abundantly capable 
of work if they were made to do it; but they are not 
pleasing to look upon, by reason of their dress, which is 
of the semblance of a shroud, giving them a hideous like- 
ness to a community of ghosts, — though, fortunately for 
the nerves of the beholder, the illusion is mitigated by 
the color of the vestments, which is far indeed from the 
spotless white which is a nine qua non with a genuine 
ghost. The women keep their faces covered ; neverthe- 
less, they are not averse from giving a Christian gentle- 
man a glimpse of their charms when it can be safely done. 
I was vouchsafed two or three glimpses of the sort, and 
I do emphatically assert that if the " mugs " which I 
beheld were fair samples of Moorish beauty, it is a work 
of supererogation in the ladies of Morocco to cover their 
countenances from my gaze. 

Under the superintending care of the guide we were 
mounted on donkeys, forming a cortege which would 

14 



154 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

have caused all true friends of ours to hang their heads in 
shame and sorrow could tliey have seen us, and trotted 
in the most remorseless manner all through and all 
around the town. These unfortunate animals are main- 
tained by the heathen to be hired to Christian visitors, 
and are surmounted with big bags of rags for saddles, on 
which the rider sits in any way he can best endure, see- 
ing that there are no stirrups ; while they are spurred by 
their owners into sudden bursts of speed by sticks, kicks, 
and yells of direful portent. To say nothing of the perils 
of nose-bleed and tooth-break imminent in this mode of 
equitation, the comfort of it is immensurably below that 
of being tossed in a blanket, — to which it bears some re- 
semblance. We procured our donkeys from the congre- 
gation in the market-place, — a dirty space on the outskirts 
of the town. It was market-day, but the market-men 
had sold out, and we saw little more than a crowd of the 
ghostly denizens, who were squealing vociferously in 
their native tongue, together with the assembly of don- 
keys, and a quantity of scraps and remnants of straw and 
trash of a heterogeneous description. We, however, here 
had the unspeakable pleasure of beholding a camel, — a 
beast richly entitled to "take the knife " from his fellow- 
creatures, but any strictures upon whose personal appear- 
ance I withhold in consideration of his generally recog- 
nized services to society. We were shown the wonderful 
docility with which he would kneel when bidden to do 
so ; and, after his brains had been almost beaten out, and 
he had been knocked down with sticks, the docile manner 
in which he got upon his knees was marvelous indeed. 

The guide protiting by the temporary absence of the 
Belgian consul, in the first place, took occasion to break 
into the town residence of that officer, and to throw it 
open for our inspection. There is no concealment with 
these worthy Mussulmans; when they begin to exhibit 
anything they keep steadily on to the last scrap. Conse- 
quently we were religiously shown everything in this 
mansion, — even to the last week's linen that His Excel- 
lency had shucked off that morning, and the basin of dirty 
water in which he had last washed himself. We, however, 
saw other things of more interest. The interior of the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PnYSTG. 155 

house is handsomelj finished ia the Moorish style, and is 
filled with guns, pistols, swords, knives, and saddles — ■ 
curious articles of Moorish workmanship — many of them 
being presents from the Commander of the Faithful of 
Morocco. The front room, on the lower floor, is elegantly 
furnished, this being the antechamber to the apartments 
of the horses, to which access is had by a door on one 
side. In these apartments, at that time, there abode one 
steed, — also a donation from the Commander of the 
Faithful. 

From here the guide took us to a friend of his who kept 
shop in a jungle about twenty twists off', in the hope that 
we might purchase some of his morocco shoes, tea-trays, 
coral-work, brass ear-rings and nose-drops, and jimcracks. 
But not seeing the advantage of giving from five to ten 
times the Richmond quotations of this merchandise we 
could eff"ectuate no trade, and set out for the suburban 
gardens of the Spanish minister. These are situated a 
mile or so from the town, and get their appellation of 
gai'dens rather through courtesy than desert; but though 
dreary and dead looking, they contrast most favorably 
with the barren and withered country surrounding them. 
The minister himself was absent somewhere, but our con- 
scientious guide rested not till he had hunted him up and 
forced him to welcome us. He was a polite and pleasant 
gentleman, and invited us into his house, from which was 
a fine prospect of the rock of Gibraltar and the European 
coast. After an agreeable conversation, embracing 
French politics and a consideration of the sharply-de- 
fined boundary between civilization and barbarism which 
could be traced at Tangier, we returned to town ; and by 
this time the St. Vitus's dance having broken out amongst 
us, as a consequence of the donkey ride, we were con- 
strained to forego further sight-seeing for the day, and 
got back to the hotel. 

There is a deadly hostility subsisting between the 
guides of Tangier, and they are ever on the watch for 
each other's patrons, whom they bushwhack and bear 
away without the least regard to professional etiquette. 
For the rest of the day, therefore, we were subjected to 
the most assiduous scrutiny by our legitimate guide, who 



156 ^^11 E BOOK OF TRAVELS 

confronted us at every turn. Much was he relieved when, 
at night, I consented to accompany him to see the noc- 
turnal sights. The chief of these was a Moorish coffee- 
house. This superb establishment comprehended the 
whole of a dungeon on an upper floor, the approach to 
which was as dark as Erebus and as crooked as the ways 
of sin. Following the guide closely I stumbled along till 
I entered the dungeon, wherein several Tangerine hard- 
crabs were squatting on matting, smoking tobacco pois- 
oned with Indian hemp, in very minute pipes. I squatted 
with them and called for coffee for the crowd, which was 
served by a perfectly black darky in a perfectly white 
shroud, who appeared and disappeared solemnly, uttering 
no word, and forming a dreadfully chilling apparition to 
be gliding about a house of merriment. The place was 
made additionally funereal by the mode of illumination, 
which was l)y means of a tumbler of oil with a taper-wick 
floating upon it, and hung by a string from the ceiling. 
Its festive character was sustained, however, by a vase 
of nice flowers standing upon the floor, and a kind of 
two -stringed banjo, on which one of the hard -crabs 
would execute a love ditty, while the rest accompanied in 
tones of heart-shattering dolefulness. A more wo-begone- 
looking set of roisterers than these crabs I never rejuiced 
with. In the lulls of the amorous dirges they were wont 
to refresh their dirty noses with a terrific suifi" of the 
flowers, and I noted that every now and then a crab 
would be attacked with a sort of frenzy of the fingers, 
in which he seemed to be tearing himself to pieces, — an 
excitement which I was able clearly to trace to its true 
source when on departing (a procedure not unduly de- 
layed) 1 found myself loaded to the gunwale with fleas. 
A hideous rumbling of sepulchral laughter arose as I 
turned my back upon the gay scene, — attributable, accord- 
ing to the interpretation given me by a foreign resident 
of Tangier, to the Moslem estimate of the Christian 
philosopher whose hungering after wisdom leads him 
into such dens to satisfy it. 

In furtiier prosecution of sight-seeing the guide took 
me through darkness and tortuosities, and up acclivities 
and down declivities ineffable, to inspect what he said 



OF A DOCTOR OF PnYSFO. 157 

was a French hotel. Truly it may have been such, but 
on walking into an inner apartment I fell all over into a 
fearful fluster at beholding a gentleman with his arm 
around a lady's waist. Observing my agitation, the guide 
endeavored to allay it by explaining that the couple were 
married. And truly this may have been so, too, — though 
I must confess that my conception of the relations of the 
conjugal state would not lead me to form such a diagnosis 
from such a symptom; but my virtue was so much 
alarmed that I was unable to digest the explanation, 
plausible as it was. I therefore cut my visit short, stay- 
ing not longer than an hour or so, by which time I was 
so bristly with morality that the corrujiter was abashed, 
and took me back to the tavern, where I devoted myself 
till bedtime to Mr. Martin. 

The Royal Yictoria Hotel is commodiously situated in 
an alley over a battery of cannon, and with a tan-yard on 
one side from which a savor of animals returning unto 
dust ascends for ever and ever. It is a decent, well-kept 
establishment, much better than could be expected in such 
a town, and I cordially recommend it to the patronage of 
the traveling public. The table is good, and I remember 
that among the viands was hare, — of the quality of 
which, however, I cannot testify, having acquired a dis- 
relish for the lesser quadrupeds at Malaga. The Madeira 
is superior to that of the Club-house across the Straits. 
Breakfast is served at half-past nine and dinner at six, 
and Mr. Martin, having in his day had considerable 
nautical experience, is scrupulous in setting his clock to 
true Tangier time, — taking Gibraltar as his meridian ; 
though, with all deference to his skill, I cannot avoid the 
surmise that he has made some slight miscalculation in 
the longitude ; for by his reckoning Tangier time is some 
sixty minutes behind that of Gibraltar, while no other 
observer, as far as I am aware, rates it at more than two, 
— a difference of some import to a hungry man. Mr. 
Martin himself is as black as the ace of spades, but a re- 
markably well-educated and gentlemanly man, neverthe- 
less, — having once been steward on a British man-of-war, 
— and speaks English perfectly and with the genuine 
accent and intonation. Thus said he, " Relly, 'pon honar, 

14+ 



158 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

I ciirn't for nie life" do certain tilings, while he likewise 
referred feelingly to the narsty weather of the parst week. 
About him and obsequiously obedient to his nod were 
male and femnle white servants, whom at times he stirred 
up sharply. As an antetype and prefitruration of what 
we of the South may be coming to I studied Mr. Martin 
and his estal)lishment with a curious eye. 

In the course of my conversations with Mr. Martin I 
Avas let very fully into the state of his feelings and opin- 
ions concerning matters in Tangier. It was his con- 
viction tliat it was not the blarsted ])lace commonly 
supposed, but with much that was tolerable and even 
desirable to one who was well broken into its customs. 
His chief objection to it was that the tiring of salutes 
from the battery under his windows had at various times 
occasioned the smash of one hundred pounds sterling 
worth of his glarss. "Don't the government reimburse 
you for the damage ?" I asked. "A-heh-heh!" laughed 
Mr. Martin, with that soft, amiable kind of laugh with 
which many good-natured people are wont to precede a 
remark in order to put themselves on pleasant terms with 
the listener, and which was the usual prelude to all of Mr. 
Martin's observations, — " R-r-raimbarse! oh, my deyar 
sar, not at aril — not at aril, my deyar sar ! — Aheh, heh ! 
I larf, but, 'pon me soul, relly it is no larting matter. 
On one arccasion, sar, at one discharge they shattared 
aril the windars on one side of me house, and while I 
was r-r-rushing to secuar the othars they tired again and 
damalished, heh, heh I aril the rest, sar. I was [)aid 
nothing at aril for that, sar. The fact is relly, these 
])eo[»le nevar pay for anything of the kind. It was 
va-a-ry savear upon me, 1 do assure you — varstly so, 
Viirstly." And Mr. Martin went on to state that repeated 
losses in glarss being followed by a prolonged enforce- 
ment of quarantine in the port during the last cholera 
epidemic at one tijpe brought about such embarrassment 
in his affairs as aUuost to drive him to suspend. He put 
a higiier estimate upon the general character of his fellow- 
ciiizens than anv mere sojourner could possibly feel 
himself warranted in forming. According to him they 
Wprp ]\o\, so d(jadiy bad, but had some good points, — 



OF A DOCTOR OF FIIYSIC. 159 

thoiig'h I do not recollect that he mentioned any of these 
specifically, except that when they washed themselves 
and put on their clean clothes, which things were done 
on certain festival days occurring oif and on during the 
twelvemonth, they looked i)retty fresh and decent. One 
of these washing and cleaning days was to be the day 
after the morrow — on which occasion, also, Mr. Martin's 
windows were again to be put upon their mettle by the 
battery down below. 

My intercourse with Mr. Martin pleased and profited 
me greatly, and by way of reciprocation, when at night 
he expressed an earnest longing to be thoroughly in- 
formed on the American question, I gladh^ undertook 
to enlighten him. Commencing with the discovery of 
America, I gradually brought the subject down to the 
time of my exodus from the country, and was proceeding 
to add a supplementary account drawn from the news- 
papers I had read while in Europe, when the profound 
attention with which he listened to me becoming some- 
what suspicious I observed him more narrowly, and 
found that 1 had talked Mr. Martin fast asleep. In my 
natural feeling at this discovery I rapidly drew my 
remarks to a conclusion, using both hands to draw with. 
An English gentleman — he that was crowned with vic- 
tory in the religious conflict on the Belgian Lion — was 
sitting on the bench beside me, listening and sipping a 
jorum of grog with unspeakable complacency; and in 
the energy of my movements the knob of my elbow 
impinged against his goblet, ])rojecting it to the floor 
wMth a vehemence which dumfoundered him, nonplused 
me, and woke Mr. Martin uj). 

On the ensuing morning my companion coming down 
first was at once pounced upon by our vigilant guide and 
marched off, and I descending soon after was w^aylaid by 
one Hammed, or Mohammed, who cunningly seized the 
opportunity afforded by the absence of my natural pro- 
tector to make me his prey. By way of decoy he 
invited me to breakfast, knowing that this was a bait 
that could not be resisted. He was an ancient Arab, 
venerable and sneaky, with a voice like that of a crow in 
the last stages of clergyman's sore-tbroat. On accom- 



160 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

panying him to his' house, into which we entered only 
after a vast deal of croaking at the outer gate, he did nie 
a very rare honor, indeed, — he introduced me to his wife. 
She was a plump and comely yellow lady, who bustled 
about })retty much as other men's wives do. He had a 
colored servant-maid, — the identical counterpart of our 
colored so-called maids, — whom he dispatched under the 
bed, whence she extracted a stool, a tea-tray, and the 
establishment's best china cups. The latter were set 
forth on the stool, which served as a table, close to which 
we adjusted ourselves by squatting on mats and tucking 
in our legs, — as is the ton among the true believers ; and 
Mrs. Mohammed proceeding to make coffee we soon had 
breakfast, which was simply coffee and cold biscuits, but 
enriched by a large slice of nice warm bread, buttered 
and presented to me by my hostess's own fair hands. It 
was a grave and solemn feast, for besides the inherent 
dignity with which my entertainer partook of sustenance, 
the amount of Arabic and English reciprocally possessed 
was altogether inadequate to the maintenance of con- 
nected discourse. The greater part of the conversation, 
indeed, was that which was carried on between the mas- 
ter and the maid ; and I noticed an unmistakable mark of 
the maid's identity with the great American sisterhood in 
her disposition to "jaw back." 

On expressing myself as sufficiently plenished w^ith 
biscuits and coffee, Mohammed led me from the banquet- 
ing hall to inspect the arrangements of the house ; and 
thinking, as do his countrymen in general, that the 
curiosity of a Frank is of that cormorant kind that can 
batten on anything, he was especially assiduous in show- 
ing me his son's bedroom. It bore a striking resemblance 
to the bachelors' bedrooms in our own highly-favored 
land. The bed was kicked and tumbled into chaos, a 
cast-off garment lay here and there on the floor, and a 
rope stretched across the apartment sustained divers 
trousers and specimens of old clothes. It had a little 
dungeon-window, through which the happy parent directed 
my most particular attention in order to contemplate the 
sweet and inspiring prospect that every morning glad- 
dened the bachelor's orbs. I looked, and beheld the wall 



OF A DOCTOR OF PnYSIC. 161 

of a portion of the premises, e3'e-scorching- with wliito- 
wash, and hung with culinary vessels basking in the 
sun. 

Having bestowed a fitting measure of commendation 
on all I had seen, and made due acknowledgment for 
my hospitable entertainment, I was departing when Mrs. 
Mohammed came running up and presented me as a 
token of esteem, or, maybe, of affection, — who knows ? 
— with a large ring-shaped chunk of bread. This chunk, 
I may mention, I took with me to Gibraltar, and lugged 
it through the streets of the town as I journeyed to my 
hotel, — doubtless much to the astonishment of the citizens 
of that place, who, of course, could not divine the tender 
memories circling round it. As the hosi»itality of the 
Arabs is proverbial, it may be thought vainglorious in 
me to make a display of the recey^tion I met with from 
this household, but Mohammed having brought in a bill of 
sixty cents for the entertainment to which he invited me, 
it has rather too strong a hold upon my feelings to be 
altogether suppressed. 

On leaving, it was my purpose to return to the Royal 
Victoria, but the crafty heathen circumvented me by a 
dazzling parade of the marvelous sights it was in his 
power to show. I yielded to his wiles and we began the 
rounds. The first morsel he introduced me to was a 
bake-house, — the novelty of which consisted mainly in all 
the bakers being as black from top to toe as soot and dirt 
could make them, in contradistinction to the bakers of 
the other quarters of the globe, among whom the color of 
flour is wont to predominate. From here we wended our 
way to the Basha's palace and jail, — a highly whitewashed 
structure ; but which part was the palace and which the 
jail was not altogether clear to me, for the guide knew 
not enough English to specify them accurately, and their 
visible differences were not sufficiently marked to render 
the discrimination certain. 

Mohammed next took me to the abode of the principal 
Jew of Tangier. The unfortunate man was at the time 
in company with souje little boys engaged in religious 
exercises, — reciting praj'ers from a book in full song, 
which he maintained in the intervals of communion with 



162 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS; 

US ; and evidently would fain have had us depart in peace 
and leave him to his devotions. It would be a pretty 
thing, however, if true believers must square their con- 
duct in accordance with the wishes of Jews. Mo- 
hammed insisted upon going in, and in we went ; and 
once in I was treated with unexceptionable courtesy by 
the master, who conversed with me and asked numerous 
questions in French, and sang with undiminished unction 
while I was replying. Mohammed made straight for the 
grand saloon on the upper floor, into which he marched 
me without ceremony, pointing out its glories, — which 
were, doubtless, the town talk of Tangier, though they 
would scarcely have made a sensation anywhere else. 
He was proceeding, in obedience to custom, to carry 
me to the bed-chambers, the pantry, the kitchen, the 
wash-house, and so on, — to which the miserable Israelite 
was able to oppose no valid objection, but I felt sorry for 
the man, and refusing to countenance any further outrage 
upon him left him to pray for the dawn of a better day. 

I cannot sufficiently admire the patience and courtesy 
of the people of Tangier in submitting to intrusions of this 
kind. They would hardly be tolerated by a civilized com- 
munity. 1 certainly feel safe in strenuously discouraging 
such course towards my fellow-citizens of Richmond, 
where it would infallibly and speedily eventuate in the 
fracture of one or more bones of the invader. 

From the rich Jew's house Mohammed led me to the 
Synagogue, into which he penetrated with his accustomed 
straightforwardness and independence. The building 
displays considerable taste and richness in its interior 
decoration, and may be considered an ornament to Tan- 
gier ; but it is situated in the midst of surroundings im- 
periously demanding the attention of the sanitary police; 
and that morning was brimful of an odor not of frankin- 
cense, nor of myrrh, nor of spices of a sweet savor, but 
of something which in our own country would be com- 
bated to the death with chloride of lime and carbolic 
acid. 

In the synagogue, and in the other places we had vis- 
ited, my purse was depleted of a little of its nutriment 
under the advice and nianagement of Mohammed*, but a 



OF A DOCTOR OF mYSIC. 163 

closer inspection of bis method of operating- now led me 
to suspect that he was swindling me. This was a horri- 
ble suspicion, whicli I would not have entertained un- 
justl}^ of so reverend-looking a person for the world ; but 
as I could not by any effort prevent it from rising in my 
mind whenever I looked at him, my veneration for him 
forced me to the conviction that it was better we should 
part, and I therefore bade him set my face hotel wards. 
He accompanied me thither, and on the way informed 
me that our regular guide was a "blaggard," and almost 
suffocated himself in trying to make me comprehend that 
if I deemed him a man of any value whatever in his day 
and generation, there was no way of preventing his sud- 
den cutting-off in the midst of his usefulness but by most 
carefully avoiding to tell the blaggard that he had been 
with me. I promised that no indiscretion of mine should 
imperil him, but what was his consternation, on turning 
the corner b}^ the hotel, to behold the blaggard himself 
looming frightfully fat and yellow before bini ! At this 
apparition his sneakiness became condensed and concen- 
trated intensely, and he rendered himself imperceptible 
of a sudden, before my eyes, and without my knowing 
what had become of him. The blaggard rushed up to 
reclaim me, and after rebuking me as much in sorrow as 
in anger for venturing out of the pale of his guardian- 
ship, proceeded to draw an awful portrait of Mohammed, 
Avhom he pronounced a blaggard in turn; and, as he had 
a better knack at English than the other, he was vastly 
more specific, elaborate, and effective as a depicturer of 
character. 

We should have been well pleased to make some ex- 
cursions into the country adjacent to Tangier, but we 
could have gone only a little way before entering a region 
where the heathen rage; requiring the adoption of trou- 
blesome precautious lest the adventurer should be de- 
voured of them. We should likewise have been ex- 
tremely gratified to see the citizens washed and dressed, 
and Mr. Martin's windows put to the proof, but the Bel- 
gian Lion was about to return to Gibraltar, and we did 
not feel justified in risking the contingency of another 
opportunity to get away. We, therefore, called for our 



1G4 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

bill and made ready to go. In the act of preparing: this 
document, Mr. Martin, as he sat at his de.sk with his 
writing? implements before him, certainly afforded an 
impressive spectacle — though I am bound to ndmit that 
he operated somewhat slowly, but this niay have been 
due to the unwieldiness of his pen, — for it was a re- 
markably prolonged, plethoric, and plumons instrument 
— as well as, in some degree, to his mode of holding it, — 
which was as if it were a mortar-pestle. Accounts are 
rendered in Tangier as seems preferable to the creditor, 
either in reals of vellon or reals of plate, — two very differ- 
ent affairs, — a system very obfuscating to a plain-minded 
traveler, who conceives that one real is the same as any 
other real, but which is of incalculaljle utility to land- 
lords, who can make their charges in one kind, and effect 
the settlement of them in the other. I am far from in- 
sinuating that Mr. Martin turned this duplicity of the 
currency to his advantage, although it is true that we 
could not precisely follow his calculations till he had ex- 
plained this peculiarity to us. 

Having finished with Mr. Martin, our guide took us 
under his wings once more, and wobbled off with us to 
the water-side. As it would be yet some time before the 
departure of the Belgian Lion, we ensconced ourselves 
within the purlieus of the custom-house, and watched 
the scenes enacted there. The little inclosure presented 
quite an animated picture for Tangier, for the captain of 
the Belgian Lion was taking in freight, and was stirring 
the porters into unwonled activity. A grave, white- 
robed, pie-crust-complexioned Moorish gentleman, who, 
I suppose, was the collector of the port, was seated in 
the midst, profoundly passive and listless, — the embodi- 
ment of quiet nieditation. Amongst the crowd there con- 
tinually permeated hither and thither another official, also 
a Moorish gentleman, tall and fineh^ built, but with a 
countenance of ink dashed with ashes, who bore a whip 
in his hand, and made the little Arabs shrink as he 
walked through them. His function seemed to be to see 
that the State took no detriment from violations of the 
revenue laws, and he was exceeding zealous in the dis- 
charge of his duty. An offender in this particular was 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIYSW. 165 

cau(?ht while we were sitting there. He was one of the 
little Arabs, and being seized by the tall functionarj was 
first shaken as is a rat by a terrier, and then violently 
hustled to the bar of justice, which was erected in an 
adjacent room. Upon examination being proved to be 
entirely innocent, lie was honorably discharged by being 
kicked unmercifully off of the premises. Sliortly after 
this happy adjudication the guide had us horsed, de- 
posited in a boat, and taken aboard the Belgian Lion, 
which in a little while was curveting towards Gibraltar, 
with six or seven passengers leaning over her sides, 
peering into the depths of the deep with faces pallid and 
mouths agape. 

In closing the account of my adventures in Heathenesse, 
it is meet that I should say something further of our 
guide, forasmuch as he besought of me and was prom- 
ised recommendation amongst my fellow-unbelievers. Of 
his personal appearance 1 have already spoken : of his 
fatness, of his shortness, of his thickness, of his yellow- 
ness, and of his indented countenance. His voice was 
less that of a Christian man than of a bullfrog, though 
with less ring in the croak. For his apparel he had a 
kind of bolster wrapped round his cranium, and his body 
was clad in a simple garment, which, if what I have 
heard and read concerning these matters is to be de- 
pended upon, must have been closely analogous to those 
vestments in which the gentler sex are enrobed when 
they retire for the night. Upon the inner or skin sur- 
face of this garment he had some kind of contrivance 
for holding his purse, in which it was secured after a 
fashion so complex that to insert or withdraw it required 
such procedures as under our decorous municipal regula- 
tions would subject him to arrest and fine. His legs 
were bare, and he had on his feet a pair of brilliant red 
morocco slippers of about number twenty. He vras an 
apostate from the faith in some degree, being a partaker 
of wine with relish. He spoke English with an execrable 
fluency, begot of self-sufficiency, and claimed to compre- 
hend all tongues. As a guide he was worthy of all 
praise, being truly indefatigable, dragging his ward 
everywhere, and omitting no sight how trite and marrow- 

15 



166 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

less soever. He was a powerful reviler, pounder on the 
ribs, and breaker of the l)acks of his fellow-citizens — an 
invaluable trait in this land, wliere the natives would 
soon worry an unprotected stranger to death. He in- 
herited all the skill in numbers for which the Aral)ians 
of old were so distinguished, and could work out a more 
comprehensive result from fewer data than any other 
mathematician I ever saw. We liad taken with us to 
Tangier resources ample, as we thought, to meet all ex- 
penses ; but, when we came to settle with him, he fig- 
ured up a total which took every solitary cent that 
both of us could rake and scrape to liquidate it, — nay, 
we went away in his debt. It irks me sorely that I 
cannot give his name ; but, as I was never able to pro- 
nounce it, I could not fix it in my memory; and although 
he committed it to writing on a fragment of pajier, I have 
not met with any one who can read it with surety. It 
appears to be Cxqgmktw ; and, in concluding my recom- 
mendation, I can do no better than to advise all inquirers 
to ask for him under this appellation. 



CHAPTER XIII. 



Of wliat Manner of Men the Spaniards are, and a Political Prelection 
concerning the Reconstruction of Spain. 

We now prepared to go Italy. AVe were, however, 
kept a wearisome time at Gibraltar waiting for some 
means of getting to Naples, which was our objective 
point. At last one day there came into the harbor one 
of the Peninsular and Oriental line of steamers, the 
Syria, bound for Alexandria, but which touched at Malta; 
and as we could see no satisfactor\' prospect of a more 
direct transit, we concluded to take our chance by this 
roundabout way. 

In bidding adieu to Spain it will not be inappropriate 
to make a few general observations concerning the coun- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIYSfC. IfiT 

try and the people. None of my Euvopean reminiscences 
are more pleasant to revive than those connected with 
my sojourn there, and it is a source of regret that the 
state of my companion's health compelled us to restrict 
our experience to but a limited portion of it. It is a land 
full of interest, every way worth}^ of a visit from the trav- 
eler, and the interest is enhanced by the fact that it is 
out of the ordinary track of tourists from America, by 
which it is invested with more of novelty than will be 
found in those portions of Europe commonly embraced 
in a scheme of travel, whose characteristics have been 
familiarized into tameness by innumerable descriptions. 
Visitants from the nations nearer at hand are, however, 
sufficiently numerous, and, unfortunately, from the cause 
above stated, our travels were confined to those well- 
trodden paths where frequent intercourse with foreigners 
has awakened a disposition to make things conform to 
their tastes and usages, it being to the interest of the 
people to conciliate them. This disposition is especially 
marked with respect to the English, who cannot live any- 
where except in English style, and do not hesitate to 
indignantly denounce any deviation from it, no matter in 
what part of the world they find it. Practically in Spain 
an American is the same as an Englishman. Tiie Span- 
iards do not thoroughly comprehend the difference, and 
so both are put in one category and regarded alike. The 
consequence is that in the large cities and towns the 
hotels, from which the ordinary traveler must necessarily 
draw most of his ideas of Spanish domestic life, have 
become bastardized to such a degree as to deprive them 
of many of the national peculiarities. To understand 
Spain properly, therefore, one must penetrate to the less 
frequented portions of the country, — an enterprise of 
some labor, but one which, I am convinced, would fur- 
nish a rich and delightful field to the observant traveler. 
In my estimation the men of Spain, as a class, are not 
a fine-looking race. They are short in stature, and have 
a bilious and puny look. Tlie contrast between them 
and their old enemies, the Moors, in appearance is very 
marked, and it is a matter of some surprise how those 
tail, stalwart Infidels were so completely demolished by 



168 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

these little Christians. Though their countenances are 
not over-handsome, they have a cast of moumfnlness 
which conciliates, and this, together with a soberness of 
demeanor, renders a Spaniard a man of presence. I 
found the people uniformly dignified, courteous, and well- 
behaved. The chief defects I noted in their character 
were an extravagant notion of the power of endurance 
of dumb creatures, a strong proclivity for putting off till 
to-morrow what can be done to-day, and an invincible 
disposition to pass counterfeit money on foreigners. We 
suffered gi'ievously from the opei'ation of this last pro- 
pensity. The quantity of brass dollars and pewter quar- 
ters that we contrived to accumulate during our sojourn 
amongst them was truly disheartening, especially when 
it is considered that they could never be passed back on 
any of the natives ; for when a Spaniard receives a coin 
he rings it, and weighs it, and bites it, with such savage 
determination to elicit its true character that nothing but 
the most unimpeachable metal can stand the ordeal. 

With the Spaniards — as is the case with all the conti- 
nental nations, indeed — courtesy is an inherent trait. Its 
mode of manifestation is very unlike that of the French 
— being extremely grave and stately, but without cold- 
ness ; while theirs is highly gymnastical. When a Span- 
iard does yon a favor you are inspired with an internal 
sentiment of heartfelt liking for him. When a French- 
man does the same you are excited by sympathy into an 
external exhibition of acrobatic feats in recognition of it. 
How vastly different in this matter of politeness are both 
of these peoples from the English and from us! In the 
narrow streets of a Spanish town you may saunter list- 
lessly along and never fear being run over and trodden 
down by your more diligent fellow-pedestrians, but wo 
betide you under similar circumstances in the commodi- 
ous thoroughfares of London or New York, — where little 
short of a miracle could save you from being jammed to 
jelly or ground to powder. How great the contrast, too, 
in the mode of considering that trying calamity which 
befalls at times the most staid and majestic of our fellow- 
men — the blowing off of the hat in the public highways! 
Who of our kindred and tongue who has ever been visited 



OF A DOCTOR OF PTIYSrC. 169 

by this sore trial, as he ag-onized in the striigj^le for re- 
possession, but has felt his heart sink within his bowels 
to hear the hideous rout of the ig^noble populace in riot- 
ous jubilation over his misfortune; to know that he can 
expect no sympathy or aid in his dire strait; nay, to be 
assured that, if so be it Heaven prosper him, his success 
will bring deep regret to the bosom of every beholder ! 
When an affliction of this sort overtakes one in Spain it 
creates no less stir, and the people also participate in the 
scene ; but their part is that of philanthropists. The 
hue-and-cry is raised; the whole community join in pur- 
suit; nimble feet and cunning hands are in the work ; 
and in a little while the bereaved sufferer is transported 
from misery to ecstasy, — for he has his truant vestment 
clamped with both hands upon his head. 

In the general estimation the standard of morality in 
Spain is thought not to rate very high. From my ob- 
servation I infer that the innate virtue of the Spanish 
people is about equivalent to our own, though it really 
seems to be vastly less — peradventure from the fact that 
they do not appreciate the excellences of hypocrisy as 
higidy as we do. They gamble a little, — nay, a good 
deal, — in fact, dreadfully. But they are not seen vocif- 
erously drunk, as are the Anglo-Saxons — even if it be 
true, as some have surmised, that they must needs be 
constantly semi-drunk from the incessant use of wine. 
Indeed, so marked is this contrast that " as drunk as an 
Englishman" is the common expression of opprobrium 
passed upon a brother who has been so abnormally weak 
as to be beguiled among the traps and pitfalls of alcohol. 
They do not pad the streets of nights terrifying all good 
people in their beds with squawks unearthly ; nor do they 
drive everybody in the neighborhood distracted by the 
so-called singing of songs when they possess not the 
fitting afflatus, and the malmanipulation of instruments 
they know no touch of; neither do they essay unseemly 
liberties with a man from the country, or behold with 
contempt a foreigner sojourning in their midst. 

Living in Spain is cheap — to Spaniards. All the food 
necessary for their comfortable nourishment is an orange, 
which they take from the first convenient tree; and a 

15* 



no THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

clove of garlic — which any one will readily give to a 
needy compatriot. These constitute one day's ration — 
abundant and wholesome. Eligible lodging can be pro- 
cured anywhere out of doors they may think fit to drop 
at. For clothing a pair of pantaloons is almost indis- 
pensable; but no additional garment is needed other than 
a cloak, which forms an unexceptionable substitute for 
shirt, vest, and coat. A due appreciation of these facts 
will serve to elucidate in some measure that great mys- 
tery which is continually obtruding itself upon the mind 
of the traveler in Spain — how it is that so many people 
contrive to live with so few visil^le means of support. 

The use of wine is one of the ingrained characteristics. 
Everybody drinks it who can get it. Babes and suck- 
lings are brought up on it. The' children at table have 
their allowance, and if backward to take it are urged up, 
even to the resort to gagging, by their affectionate parents, 
—forming a sight which would make the eyeballs of an 
apostle of temperance pop with horror, and his soul 
burst in sunder with presages of wo. Garlic, the great 
national condiment, is being abandoned at the hotels, — 
which places are kept more for the robbery of English- 
men and Americans than for the accommodation of the 
natives, and it being found that the former do not admire 
any such flavoring. Even the formerly inevitable olla 
podrida is not usually forthcoming in these latter days, 
except by special request. In fact, as far as the}^ knovy 
how, the landlords endeavor to make their bill of fare 
conform to the English palate, and the result is that it is 
generally siii generis. During all our stay amongst 
Spaniards, almost the only characteristic Spanish meals 
we partook of were those on board the steamer Gui- 
puzcoa. 

I have already in preceding chapters spoken of the Span- 
ish ladies, and paid my meed of praise to their charms. 
One circum.stance that greatly enhances their attractive- 
ness is the exceeding sweetness of their native language. 
No language to my mind equals it in beauty and soft- 
ness. It exacts a j^eculiar delicately prolonged undula- 
tion of the voice and gentleness of intonation, quite 
incompatible with any but tender sentiments, — so that a 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. Ill 

crabbed and ill-tempered person cannot speak it aright ; 
and it seems strange how it is possil)le to quarrel in it. 
It is as unlike as can be to our harsh tongue, — in which 
an opprobrious epithet can mostly be recognized by the 
mere sound of it; while in Spanish the-coarsest vitupera- 
tion comes forth so round and smooth that a foreigner 
might well mistake it for the most elegant compliment. 
Scoundrel, hog, and jackass sound rough and bitter, bat 
picaro, iruerco, and borrico are very pleasant to the ear 
indeed. Perhaps one reason why the Spaniards are so 
prone to resort to the unmistakable arguments of knife 
and gun is that their words do so provokingly distort 
and obtund the due expression of their wrath. This 
sweetness of speech, combined with voluptuous beauty 
of person and perfect grace of movement, makes the 
women of Spain the most fascinating creatures extant, 
and it needs but the minimum of combustibility to get 
set afire and totally burnt up by them. 

Grood reader! — while providing thee with dainty bits 
picked up here and there in my wanderings, for thy grati- 
fication, I feel that I would be but illy acquitting myself 
of my duty by thee were I to withhold the precious 
nourishing morsels gathered with patient care that make 
to thine increase. Rather than be lacking in this, I hold 
it were better I should east aside my pen as an idle 
recreant thing. Wherefore, since it may, perchance, one 
day come within the scope of thine intent to journey into 
this witching land, I cannot let thee go till I have admin- 
istered to thee somewhat of admonition, — and see thou 
that thou, takest heed to mine admonishment, for it is 
wholesome. Mark, then ! — Before thou settest forth from 
these our shores, get thee to the hymeneal altar and 
make there the appointed vows ; or, if thou beest one 
who hath aforetime done this, I pray thee renew them, 
and with an immovable purpose of mind to keep and 
perform them. Thus, peradventnre, it may fare well 
with thee in thy pilgrimage: otherwise, — wo l^e unto 
thee, — except, indeed, thou hast that rare discreetness 
that ariseth only out of profound conversance with phi- 
losophy; such as he that here uttereth this wise counsel 
claimeth to be gifted withal, — and yet, know to thy warn- 



172 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

ing", that even he, tlioiigli beclad with his panoply, was 
ofttimes himself in marvelous great peril, and at the last 
did but hardly escape. 

Visiting Spain, as I did, at what has been hailed as a 
period of transition from the bigotry and backwardness 
of past times to the liberality and progressiveness that 
characterize the mode of tlioug'lit and action of the present 
era, it may bo expected of me to say something of the 
political condition of the country; and, therefore, I will 
ofl'er a few observations upon this subject. But, indeed, 
I was, and am, thoroughly sick of politics in all its 
phases, and took but little heed of the political affairs of 
any country I entered, which, after all, were no concern 
of mine, and hence I can advance nothing very profound 
on this topic, but profess to present only such views as 
would V)e likely to be deduced from wliat would come 
under the notice of the most careless observer. At that 
time the process of reconstruction inaugurated by the ex- 
pulsion of Queen Isabella was still operating, but with 
no great marks of progress. If it were not retrograding, 
it at least had come to something like a stand-still. The 
northern portions of Spain were madly monarchical, and 
the southern were more madly republican. The lattei', in 
their frenzy, had endeavored to establish their principles 
by force ; but they were completely foiled in their attempt, 
and now remained thoroughly subjugated, but waiting 
and longing for the flimsiest semblance of an opportunity 
to renew it. Both schisms appeared to unite in abhor- 
rence of the exiled queen ; no one had anything to say 
in her behalf, and outrageously coarse caricatures of her 
were in circulation, over which the people gloated. To 
this point reconstruction, as far as it came within the 
scope of my comprehension, had arrived, and there it 
stuck. 

And yet to me the reconstruction of Spain seems to be 
a matter sufficiently plain, or, rather, perhaps I should 
say, one huge step towards it is so. it is to throw the 
chimera of a republic to the dogs. There is but one race 
of people on the earth which holds anytliing that approxi- 
mates to the true theor}' of republican government, and 
that race has shown itself abundantly deficient in the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. HS 

practice. The essence, or, at any rate, an absolute essen- 
tial of this form of government seems to so humble a 
political philosopher as I am to be the acquiescence of the 
minority in the decisions of the majority, coupled with are- 
cognition on the part of the majority of the rights of the 
minority. This idea is unknown to the Spaniard. He 
is a strenuous believer in unanimity of sentiment, and he 
resorts to strenuous means to secure it — even to tiie ex- 
termination of the dissentient. Seeing how difficult it is 
to remove rooted opinions by mere process of reasoning, 
he cuts them out of the recusant's breast with a knife, or 
blows them otit of his head with a gun. The majority 
and the minority are alike in this particular, — the one 
will not submit to numbers, and the other grants nothing 
as a right. Hence, whenever they have had the oppor- 
tunity to fight among themselves, they have always joy- 
fully availed themselves of it. With such opportunities 
as the formation of a republic on the American ante 
helium system would afford them, we might almost cer- 
tainly predict a state of anarchy such as constantly 
prevails in the Spanish so-called republic of Mexico. 

To have a successful republican government the people 
themselves must be republicanized ; not with that hideous 
hypothetical republicanism which inculcates the omnis- 
cience and omnipotence of the mob, but with that true 
practical republicanism which restricts participation in 
public affairs to those who are fit to exercise it; which 
not merely proclaims, but also practices, toleration in 
politics as well as religion, and which admits that minori- 
ties have rights that majorities are bound to respect. In 
this sense the Spanish people are far from republicaniza- 
tion. No one who is not influenced more by blind zeal 
for republican institutions than by a correct knowledge of 
the Spanii^h character can wish to see the inauguration 
of a republic amongst them at this time. The Anglo- 
Saxon species of the tree of liberty is an indigenous plant 
whose culture is understood only by Americans and Eng- 
lishmen. Even under their careful and skillful training 
it has at times borne bitter fruit. It does not thrive out 
of its native soil, and when transplanted it at first rapidly 
degenerates, and then it dies. 



174 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

The past history of the Spanish people abundantlj 
corroborates this estimate of their capacity for self- 
government. They have even beg-ged to be enslaved. 
This was the case when Ferdinand VIL, who had been 
deprived of his crown by Napoleon, was restored to 
sovereignty. At that time the country possessed a highly 
liberal constitution, framed by the Cortes, which they in- 
sisted that the king should respect. But the people 
almost unanimously insisted, on the other hand, that he 
should disregard the Cortes, and overwhelmed him with 
the most urgent petitions and memorials clamorously 
entreating him to declare null and void all enactments 
savoring of liberality, and to reign as an absolute mon- 
arch. Nay, when the king yielded to these pressing 
supplications of his loving subjects, which he did most 
graciously, the very troops dispatched by the Cortes to 
enforce the democratical view of the question, instead of 
fighting Ferdinand, welcomed him with acclamations of 
" Long live our absolute king !" Such a spirit as this 
is not of a kind to bring forth or cherish true republi- 
canism. 

It is interesting to remark in this connection that this 
same Ferdinand, who for reasons of state was excessively 
anxious to have an heir, after many discouraging failures, 
was at length happily enabled, by a little well- timed as- 
sistance from a sti'enuous friend of the family, to become 
the father of that victim of the capricious resurrection of 
liberal ideas — the present exiled Isaljella. 

But I have not formed my estimate of Spanish fitness 
for freedom from history alone. I was mostly in that 
part of Spain which was largely republican in sentiment, 
and I conversed with many republicans. I found almost 
invariably that tiieir republicanism was of that bigoted, 
bloody sort which holds that the life of a monarchist 
should be made to expiate his opinions. The reader 
probably remembers the hotel commissioner at Cadiz, 
who was the first champion of freedom with whom I 
had the satisfaction of communing, and who told me at 
the very outset of our acquaintance that he had recently 
slain two monarchists with his own hands, and, while 
chuckling over the agreeable reminiscence, expressed 



OF A DOCTOR OF FIIYSIC. 175 

great hopes of such a turning-np of public affairs as 
would shortly enable him to let slip the wind of several 
more. He is not an isolated instance, but the type of a 
class. If, therefore, the true end of a government be to 
promote the prosperity of a people, only a strong form of 
it — strong even to concentration — appears capable of ac- 
complishing this object for Spain. 

Some sweeping reforms have of late been promulgated, 
but these are not in every case as efficacious as they seem 
to be upon the face. Thus religious toleration, which has 
been hailed as so vast a step in the line of progress, has 
yet to fight its way against a great and active opposition, 
especially on the part of the female population, whose 
minds are tarred through and through with bigotry, and 
who have already threatened to tear down heretical 
churches with their own tender claws. The men alone, 
if it were in human nature for them to set at naught the 
influence of the other sex, would be tolerably easy to 
deal with, — for they have no great amount of religion of 
any sort to obtrude in the way. There seems to be sub- 
stantial ground for believing that Roman Catholicism, 
while it is spreading outside of its long-established 
bounds, is decaying within them. This was my con- 
clusion from what I observed in Italy as well as in Spain. 
But Protestauiism has no great reason to be elated at 
this, for its creed has made no lodgment in the strong- 
holds from which its antagonist is being ousted. So far 
as Catholicism has retired. Infidelity has usurped its 
place. Nevertheless, as much religion as the men have 
retained, which is hardly more than what is necessary 
to be married and buried by, is Roman Catholic in its 
spirit. They have no desire to see Protestantism flourish, 
and where there was any sort of contest or rivalship be- 
tween the two their sympathy and aid would be thrown 
unequivocally and zealousl}' on the side of the faith of 
their fathers and the womankind. 

The mode in wliieh the Revolution was conducted — a 
marvel of quiet change, the like of which in Spain is not 
within the remembrance of the oldest historian — led 
many observers of the times to believe that a radical 
modification of the character of the people had taken 



176 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

place, and gave a hopeful augury of future prosperity. 
Some lowering clouds have risen in the skies since then, 
making men doubtful and anxious, but nothing so far has 
occurred to occasion despair. But smooth as was the 
revolutionary movement, it was not absolutely free from 
the grinding and scraping which is almost inseparable 
from the operation of such gigantic and portentous ma- 
chinery; and as usual there were individuals who had to 
suffer for the good of the community. Some of these 
sufferings were detailed to me, with no great show of 
resignation, by those who were called upon to make the 
sacrifice. A band of patriotic ragamuffins that sprang 
up near Seville made themselves especially conspicuous 
for their zeal in behalf of their unhappy country. With 
a shriek for freedom that appalled all that heard it, they 
made a rush for the railroad and forced the officials to 
prepare a train and give them transportation somewhere 
— their object being to go forth as apostles of liberty and 
raise the country. When the country was raised, and 
the people had hurried off to the scene of expected 
action, the apostles went to work and stole everything 
they had left behind them. A landlord who, after having 
had the honor of entertaining this company of patriots, 
had the sordid illiberality to make out a bill against them, 
received a rebuke that cliastened and purified him might- 
ily, by being arrested, tried by drum-head court-martial 
as a self-convicted enemy of popular rights, and sentenced 
to be shot to death with rusty nails; and it Avas with diffi- 
culty that he got his sentence commuted to confiscation 
of all his edibles. 

There is no doubt that in Spain, and throughout civil- 
ized Europe, American ideas are now exercising a tre- 
mendous inliuence. It is a momentous question whether 
tliis influence is for weal or for wo; and one not to be 
answered by the flipjiant tongues of those of our coun- 
trymen who are forever blazoning and boasting over it. 
I am sorry to be constrained to think myself that it is 
not working for present good. But it is not needful for 
me to enlarge upon the topic. My chief reason for this 
opinion I have indicated in tlie preceding remarks — the 
inability of the people to assimilate our ideas. They 



OF A DOCTOR OF FlirSW. 11 'j 

swallow them readily enough, it is true, but thej are 
not able to digest them ; as a consequence they are 
cramped and made colicky by them — as is shown by 
their occasional spasmodic uprisings, and the gassy, 
crude, and insubstantial manifestoes eructed from time to 
time by their acknowledged leaders. Ultimately, how- 
ever, I hope and believe that, perfected through suffering, 
they will attain to that light in these matters which we 
can honestly claim to possess — and may they make a 
discreeter use of it than we have. In the mean time, 
upon poor, proud, misused, glorious old Spain I lay my 
benison, and heartily wish hor prosperity and happiness. 



CHAPTER Xiy. 



Of our pleasant Voyaging from Gibraltar to Malta — Reflections on the 
Character of the English People — How I displayed and magnified 
our Country's Greatness in the Belles-Lettres— How we reached the 
City of Valetta, with various Matters to its Disparagement. 

At Gibraltar we made acquaintance with an English 
commercial traveler bound as we were to Malta. In 
fact, his representations bad a large share in fixing our 
decision definitely upon this route, with which previous 
voyages had made him familiar. He was a clever gen- 
tleman, and a man who had had losses — having become 
separated from an immense bulk of baggage during a 
recent expedition to Seville. All his efforts to recover 
it had failed hitherto, but now that he was on the point 
of cutting clean loose from the country and apparently 
abandoning all hope, he contrived by his cleverness to 
make his prospects loom up brighter than ever they had 
done before, — for he made the settlement of his pretty 
large hotel-bill contingent upon the restoration of his 
property; so that the landlord became vastly interested 
in its fate, and promised, no doubt with the utmost sin- 
cerity, to exhaust every menus to reclaim it. It is only 

16 



178 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

your abnormally complaisant landlord that can be manip- 
ulated in this manner, and only your abnormally clever 
man that can so manipulate him. 

In company, then, with the commercial traveler we 
passed without the ^ates, sued for and obtained our 
sequestrated medicine-chest, and embarked in one of the 
harbor boats to be taken to the steamer Syria. In spite 
of his terrible losses, what with valises and satchels and 
boxes our friend had still as much bag:jraye left as both 
of us, and it would have been a miracle if more of it 
were not fated to be lost yet. Indeed, on this very trip 
his umbrella was seen for the last time. It is amazing, 
it is disheartening, it is deplorable that one Englishman 
cannot travel about the earth without lugging along as 
much lumber as would serve for a dozen. But — I say 
nothing — let them go on. We had fresh reason for exe- 
crating this intermediary mode of getting from the shore 
to the ship; for the Syria was far out, the water was 
exceedingly rough, and the boat plunged about so fran- 
tically that we began to think we would have to swim 
part of the way. Our boatmen were, however, men of 
skill and strength, and pulled us safely through the 
yawning perils that beset us. 

Having finished coaling, about five o'clock in the after- 
noon we up anchor and left. This steamer was the best 
I ever traveled in. She was an unusually large side- 
wheeler, finely fitted, and with plenty of space. Her 
staterooms were none of your wretched, cheerless cribs, 
in which a man feels like a buzzard in a cage ; but com- 
modious, spacious apartments, with scope enough actually 
for the full play of a rocking-chair ; where one felt com- 
fortable and at home. She was kept scrupulously neat 
and clean, the most lavish and minute attention being di- 
rected to securing this condition, — even to the following up 
of the hawkers and spitters by an assiduous youth, who 
paraded behind them with a large mop and kept an eagle- 
eye upon the workings of their mouths. The discipline 
aboard was complete, everything being done with the 
system and regularity of a war-vessel, and her olficers 
were thorough gentlemen, with all of the heartiness and 
none of the coarseness of the sailor character. The fare 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIO. 179 

was abundant, well cooked, and well served. Eating or 
drinking was going on continually. We had in regular 
and rapid sequence breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, and 
grog, — each sufficiently substantial to furnish forth an 
ordinate stomach for a day; while every facility was 
afforded for the satisfying of such as became an hun- 
gered between-times. To crown all, there were no extra 
charges for anything; wines, liquors, ale, beer, porter, 
" arf-'n-'arf," and soda-water being furnished ad libitum 
gratis. Truly this was a most delectable and greatly-to- 
be-desired craft to voyage in, and methinks I would freely 
go to the world's end therein. 

We had no great number of passengers. Almost all 
of them were on the way to India. Amongst them were 
several ladies and some children, — these being tended by 
Hindoo nurses, who were the first of this species of my 
fellow-creatures that I had ever had the pleasure of be- 
holding. From as minute an examination as was practi- 
cable for me to make I rated them ethnologically as the 
type of the ideal Darky, highly improved and fully 
reconstructed, to which he is to attain as soon as the Mil- 
lennium gets well under way. But though not numer- 
ous, our passengers were of an approved quality, being 
exceeding cheerful, agreeable, and social. One of our 
chiefest pastimes was the propounding of conundrums to 
one another, — in which admirable divertisement the Eng- 
lish people seem greatly to delight ; and there were some 
amongst us who were blessed with an excellent gift at it, — 
among whom the captain himself cut a conspicuous figure. 
Of nights whist was much played, and besides we spent 
a goodly portion of our time in edifying conversation. 
Some of the passengers were young men going to join 
the army in India, and being enthusiastic in their profes- 
sion they never tired of hearing of my eventful campaigns 
as a surgeon in our war, — of my moving accidents, as 
well as hair-breadth 'scapes while at rest behind trees, 
from falling branches; and I was able to enhance their 
military knowledge greatly with the rich fruits of my 
experience. With the generous ardor of youth they took 
a great fancy to my commander, General Lee, and were 
assiduous in plying me with questions about him. I 



180 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

informed them that our conscientious manner of discharg- 
ing- the duties pertaining to our respective spheres of 
usefulness so engrossed our time and attention as to pre- 
clude us from cultivating that intimacy that I desired to 
see subsisting between us; but that, nevertheless, I had 
once had the honor of conversing with the general ; and 
having told them this they would not let me rest till I 
had given them full particulars of the conversation. I 
told them that it was early on the morning following the 
unsatisfactory fight at Boonsboro'. I had been marching 
all night and now sat on my horse, worn and weary, in a 
cornfield, suffering the exhausted animal to nibble at the 
ears. Near me was the general seated in an ambulance, 
thoughtfully scanning the field on which two days after 
was joined the great battle of Sharpsburg. Under these 
circumstances occurred the conversation, which I dis- 
tinctly remembered and could give word for word. It 
was as follows : 

General Lee to me. — " Take that horse outer that corn 
there!" 

I to General Lee. — "Yesur." 

I hope no one will do me the injustice to suppose that 
I reproduce this colloquy here from any vainglorious 
desire of vaunting abroad any notice that may chance to 
be bestowed upon me by the great men of the earth. 
Such is not my motive. It is to the honor of the general 
himself that 1 record it, — to show how tender was that 
regard for the interests of non-combatants which would 
not allow a perishing horse — good rebel and stanch fol- 
lower of his though he was — to take a mouthful of sus- 
tenance belonging to an unbelligerent enemy. 

With some of the elder and graver of the passengers 
I held discourse on literature ; and this, while profitable, 
was also entertaining ; for nothing delights me more than 
to soberly commune with them who take pleasure in this 
topic. 1 found that they were perfectly familiar with 
some of our own most noted prose-writers — by name ; 
though of our poets they did not seem to be quite as well 
informed ; and heartily grieved was I that 1 could not 
greatly enlighten them on this point. In response to their 
expression of surprise that our civil war had given birth 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSW. 181 

to no sublime effort of the muse, I suggested that expe- 
rience showed that great crises were pregnant rather with 
exalted deeds than with brilliant thoughts; and that 
trivial circumstances had been the occasion of more real 
poetry than those of vastly more importance. Never- 
theless, I asserted with emphasis that we had great poets 
in our land. I myself, let it be understood, am lacking 
in the poetic taste. For a man of my nice discern- 
ment, well-balanced mind, and comprehensive intellect, 
I do think that the want of appreciation for poetry with 
which I am cursed is absolutely inexplicable. As a con- 
sequence of this deficiency I was dreadfully pressed when 
asked to sustain my assertion by specimens from the 
works of our masters. Fortunately, I happened to remem- 
ber an admirable lyric composed by one who is very near 
and dear to me, and who, in my estimation, is as good as 
the best of our poets or any other man ; and this I com- 
mended to their notice. In introducing it I laid stress 
upon it as illustrative of my thesis — that lesser events 
more thoroughly arouse the true poetic nixus than do the 
greater — since this effort was inspired by the epidemic of 
garroting, whose rapid spread a few years ago alarmed 
the whole country ; against which scourge it was directed 
as a counterblast ; and in evidence of the tremendous 
influence it had exerted I stated that at the present time 
that horrid practice was almost subverted. I went on to 
remark that if there were any example in the whole com- 
pass of English poetry fit to be compared with it it was 
doubtless Coleridge's "Rime of the Ancient Mariner," — 
which, I admitted, had some likeness to it ; though the 
most bigoted admirer of that very passable production 
must be bound to confess that the resemblance is purely 
superficial. With this prelude I proceeded to recite it, 
rendering it with exquisite modulation of voice and un- 
surpassable impressiveness of gesture. The effect upon 
my auditors was most marked. They listened to it in an 
ecstasy of silence more eloquent than speech, and at the 
close were entirely at a loss for words in which to express 
their admiration of it. 

As I have the best of reasons for believing that the 
author's own countrymen are themselves ignorant (more 

16* 



182 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

shame on them for it !) of his contribution to the national 
garland, I insert it here that they may have the opportu- 
nity of committing it to memory : 

TUE RIME OF THE THREE GARROTERES. 

It was a Shaggy-AVhiskered Man, 

The fiercest one of Three — 
That stopped a vagrant Citizen : 

"Now, wherefore stopp'st thou Me?" 

Upspoke the Shaggy-Whiskered Man, 

" Kight speedily thou'lt see." 
" Be not thou, &ir, a Garrotere ?" — 

The fierce man said, '" I be." 

At hearing this the Citizen 

Did quake like Anything; 
And felt as when in Ilawk's talons 

Doth feel the Gone Gosling. 

Then round about bis shrinking form 

Did gather these Three Men : 
Now Heaven — no other help is nigh — 

Defend this Citizen ! 

His Hair did bristle up on end; 

He wist not what to do ; 
His Brain whirled round, and in a trice 

His Body whirled round, too. 

Away he sped and cried aloud, 

" Ilaste, Watchman, to mine aid !" 
The Three uprose, and after him 

Full manfully they made. 

Anon he felt their fingers meet 

About bis Jugulare : 
" Thou suifoeatest Me !" he cried — ■ 

" I yield. Sir Garrotere." 

Then did they vilely mash his Nose; 

And black, also, his Eye, 
And did in divers ways entreat 

Him most despitefully. 

They took from him all that he had; 

Then bade him to depart; 
And each one graciously did give 

A kick to help him start. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 183 

This Citizen did ail somewhat; 

Withal was Rheumatic ; 
The wbit;h to ease he had that Night 

Obtained a Specific. 

This Sovereign Balm they do concoct 

By steeping in AVhiskie 
The fruit that groweth on the plant 

Yclcped the Pokeberrie. 

A quart Bottelle of this they took 

From that sick Citizen ; 
Forsooth, they wot it not to be 

Rheumatic Medicine. 

Nay, they did deem it right Whiskie 

From Foreign Parts, most choice ; 
And, much putt up at their good hap, 

Did mightily Rejoice. 

Straightway they drew the stopple out, 

And lustily did bouse; 
And so did these Three Garroteres 

Most gloriously Carouse. 

Be warned, my Friend, and think, ere thou 

Dost Whiskie Bottelle ope: 
'Tis the true Box of Pandora, — 

Save that it hath not Hope. 

All of a sudden One did gasp, 

" Lo ! I feel fit to Die !" 
Eftsoons The Others answered him 

With, " So do I;"— "and I." 

Then spoke The Sbaggy-Whiskered Man : 

" Did note how that Stuff burned ? — • 
Great Grief! If we ain't all Pisonned, 

I wish I may be Derned!" 

At this dread speech a Sore Dismay 

Did fall on these Three Men ; 
And now They trembled full as much 

As erst did Citizen. 

And lo ! The Shaggy-Whiskered Man — 

The fiercest of The Three- 
Fell down and shrieked in wild panic, 

" Have Mercy, Lord, on Me !" 

But the Disereetest One did say, 

" Let us be making tracks. 
And get us where some Doctor-man 

May pump out our stomachs." 



184 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

Quick hied they to an Hospital, 

And called the Doctor-man ; 
And showing him the dread Bottelle, 

Their Wolul Tale began. 

"I prithee hold," cried Doctor-man, 

" How gat ye this Bottelle? — 
Methinks, Fair Sirs, it is mine own, — 

It hath mine own Labelle. 

"I' faith, it readeth, — ' Tinctura 

Bacca3 Phytolacca}. 
S. — Gutt. XX cum paululo 

Aquffi, ter in die.' 

" This IMatter must be looked into. — 

Bid Chief Cook Fyshe attend!" 
Anon up from his pots and pans. 

The Chief Cook did ascend. 

" Speak, Chief Cook !" saith the Doctor-man ; 

"Dost know who be These Men?" — 
Good lack! — What see The Garroteres? — 

Ilah !— "lis the Citizen ! ! 

" Exult, my soul ! sing Jubilee !"— 
Loud shrieked the glad Chief Cook, — 

"For in Captivity be They 
That stole my pocket-book!" 

" By Saint Brimstone !" sware Doctor-man, 

'• I do withholil my skill, 
Till on these losel Knaves the Watch 

Their Function do fulfil. 

" Go, hie thee hence, good Chief Cook Fyshe, 

And summon the Police. 
When These be safely housed in Cage, 

I will do mine Office." 

So said, so done. What need that I 

Should say what more befell ? — 
Suffice it that They did Atone : — 

So ends this Chronicelle. 

The intimate relations I established with my fellow- 
passengers afforded the means of giving me quite a fair 
insight into the character of the English nation. I found 
them to be eaters of tremendous pith and power, and 
drinkers in full proportion. Despite the rapid recurrence 
of the meals, they gathered in solid phalanx, fresh and 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIYSW. 185 

vigorous, at every one, fell undauntedly upon it, and 
annihilated it with ease, — as, there is every reason to be- 
lieve, they could have done by as many more. It has 
been supposed that the Americans are no laggards in im- 
bibition, — and the supposition is certainly well grounded, 
— but it appears to me that we have scarcely overtaken 
the Britons in this direction. They love good substantial 
liquors, being particularl}' prone to brandy, just as they 
like good substantial food of flesh of cows, and bulls, and 
oxen. That deep-rooted American custom which requires 
every man who orders a drink at a bar to invite all be- 
holders to partake with him does not seem to greatly 
obtain amongst them. They opine that whoever wishes 
refreshment will ask for it, and should of right bear all 
expenses incurred, — a not wholly irrational view, and one 
that might, if adopted in our land, save many hospitable 
and philanthropic topers from the poor-house. They are 
greatly more wicked than we ; for while we will play 
whist ofttimes for its own sake alone, they will have 
nothing to do with it on any consideration short of six- 
pence a rubber. Neither do they detest dancing and the 
drama, and if a novel be interesting they shudder not a 
whit at the sin of reading it. They, however, abhor slavery 
utterly; nor did I meet with an Englishman who cared 
to conceal his dislike of it in conversing with me, who 
was born and bred in its midst and might have owned 
slaves had she I adored linked her fortune (of some thirty 
or forty) with mine. 

My association with these gentlemen was likewise the 
instrumentality of my happy conversion to the belief that 
the traditional reserve and surliness of the English traveler 
is something of a myth, — and 1 find that other Americans 
have been forced by their experience to come to the same 
conclusion. Much have the wandering sons of Albion 
been rated on this score ; but as far as my knowledge of 
them extends I am constrained to lift up my voice and 
testify in their behalf. Not merely in respect of those I 
met on board the Syria, but wherever else 1 encountered 
them, I always found the Englit^h as courteous, commu- 
nicative, and social as any other travelers. It is very 
true I never thrust my acquaintance upon them, cross- 



186 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

questioned them, nor soug-ht to establish confidence by 
interrogatory guessing. Had I pursued this plan it is 
not impossible that I would have to join in the general 
estimate of their outrageous grumness, unsociability, and 
impracticableness. As it was, our acquaintance was 
made readily by the quiet process of simple association, 
and it was uniformly cordial and pleasant; for as I said 
nothing to awaken their prejudices, they were alike for- 
bearing towards mine. One of their most glaring traits, 
which protrudes a fraction too obtrusively at times, is a 
tremendous estimate of the grandeur of their land and 
people, — which they steadfastly believe and will maintain 
to the death to be the greatest and most excellent in all 
the earth ; and, beshrew me ! — having myself had a 
glimpse of their country — if I am not become extremely 
tolerant of their opinion in these matters. Among the 
most plausible accusations that I have heard laid upon 
them are that they seize on the most comfortable apart- 
ments in hotels and try to get the best of everything at 
table. These are indeed grave charges, which are not to 
be gainsaid or defended, and can be palliated only by 
considering that the same thing under the same circum- 
stances is done by poor frail humanity universally. 

Let not my fellow-countrymen attribute any apology I 
may make for our hereditary foes, or such commendation 
as I bestow upon them, to any taint of that state of de- 
nationalization into which certain of our too highly subli- 
mated citizens fall when they chance to come within the 
atmosphere of European society and manners. Believe 
me, no one ever adventured forth from our shores and 
came back less soiled with this disfiguring tarnish. In 
all my wanderings I breathed no whiff of the air of courts 
and communed with none of the nobility or gentry, — 
unless, forsooth, the consummate hypocrisy, which is well 
known in our country to be a not unlikely outgrowth of 
monarchism, led my associates to deceive me concerning 
their social status; for they comported themselves as 
mere common gentlemen — and hence was preserved from 
their contaminating influences. I returned loving my own 
land, its people, its institutions, and its customs better 
than those of any other, — nay, loving its very defects better 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIVSIC. 187 

than their excellences. I prefer our stupendous, awe- 
inspiring locomotives and convenient, cosy, supple-jack 
cars to the portable saw-mills and hackney-coaches that 
run so glibly along the European railways. To my taste 
the sumptuous fare of our hotels is more to be desired 
than the sumptuous furniture of theirs; and my bowels 
languished and yearned within me for bacon, and greens, 
and corn-bread amidst beef, and biscuits, and gizzards, 
and livers, and intestines of the fowls of the air, and the 
earth, and the water, though daintily baked in little paste- 
board boxes. My palate was not debauched by any of 
their ways. For the augmenting of the succulency of my 
sustenance at the matutinal repast my choice still is coffee 
rather than wine ; and when I am cut off from fellowship 
with my brethren of the Noah's Flood division of Sons 
of Temperance, of which it is my proud privilege to boast 
myself a most unworthy member, I shall take to whisky 
in lieu of 'arf-'n-'arf. Upon my ears, " tote," and " nigger," 
and " can't," and " laff," and " eether," and " neetlier," 
and such like modes of my vernacular fall with a dump 
more natural than " carry," and " negrow," and " carn't," 
and "larf," and "eyether," and " nyether." And yet, 
with all these American likings and prejudices, I was not 
made so stone-blind as not to see that in some important 
matters Europe is as far ahead of us in reality as in 
others we surpass her apparently. 

After the first day we were in sight of land pretty 
much all the time, and the monotonous sea-view was re- 
lieved by the gleam of many a sail. The obliging cap- 
tain pointed out to us the coast of Algeria, made some- 
what noticeable by mountain ranges in the interior, and 
called our especial attention to the site of Carthage as 
we went steaming past it. 

"Assyria, Greece, Rome, Carthage, what are they?" 

Yes, what is Carthage ? — and where ? The captain 
strenuously and untiringly projected his index-finger 
toward the Lybian depths before us, and said, " There !" 
And 1 gazed earnestly — gazed and saw nothing. But I 
cogitated powerfully and deeply, for, though I had no 
basis for my reveries much more substantial than when I 



188 thf: book of travels 

would turn my face to the west, and, peering over the 
O'Cean, dream of home, it sufficed for busy thought, and 
on it she marshaled forth the niemorio!S and visions of 
the past. The great city is utterly blotted out and its 
place is desolate. 

On the raw and cloudy morning of the fourth day we 
were running by Gozo, a bleak and hilly island not far 
from Malta, and soon the city of Valetta came into view. 
As we steamed along the Maltese coast, an indentation 
was pointed out as the verital>le scene of St. Paul's ship- 
wreck. We were not near enough to obtain a satisfac- 
tory sight of it; however, I gazed in that direction with 
all the faith I could rake together, but I was grievously 
pestered with doubts nevertheless. By tvvelve o'clock 
we were safely housed in the harbor of Valetta. This 
harbor is a very fine one, resembling that of Havana, 
having a narrow entrance, and is rendered impregnable by 
a series of immense thick stone fortifications. As seen 
from the water the city presents a very picturesque ap- 
pearance. The amiable officers of the Syria now bade us a 
kind adieu, in which our fellow- voyagers joined ; and we 
embarked in a boat along with our friend who had lost all 
his baggage and went ashore. On the way we were in- 
cessantly besieged by certain amphibious youths of Malta 
who make a liveliiiood by diving after sixpences, which 
they beguile persons of aquatic tastes into dropping into 
the water. 

We landed at the foot of a declivity, where the com- 
missioner of the Imperial Hotel was lying in ambush, 
and clamped us on the spot. By his command we 
ascended a weary flight of stone steps, and then wended 
our way over sundry precipices till in time we stood be- 
neath the Imperial dome, where we were greeted with 
the disheartening intelligence that the house was full. 
Hard by, however, was the Inglaterra, to which we 
straightway repaired, and here we procured accommoda- 
tions. This hostelry is a spacious labyrinth, in which it 
is not easy for an unskilled person to make much head- 
way witliout a map. It seems to be well managed, ex- 
cept that the purveyor appears to be deficient in the cal- 
cuiative faculty, inasmuch as an awful pause occurred in 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 189 

the middle of every meal, arising; from the untimely eon- 
sumption of all the edibles on the table, and the consequent 
necessity of waiting for them to be duplicated in the 
kitchen. 

We had scarcely taken possession of our apartment 
before we were waited on by a citizen bearing a chest 
filled with that species of lace which is manufactured on 
this island, and which I understand is in high repute with 
the vainer sex. He was terribly persistent in his efforts 
to induce us to purchase some of his goods ; and when 
we represented the malignancy of the custom-house people 
as an insuperable bar, he grew extremely fertile in ex- 
pedients for counteracting the machinations of those 
worthies; but, as we were barbarously ignorant of the 
value of the commodity, and, of a truth, little anxious for 
an increase in any such knowledge, all of his eloquence 
failed to do more than make us yawn abominably. Hav- 
ing at last persuaded him to depart from us, we put our- 
selves under the guidance of him of the lost baggage, 
who took us to a cigar-store kept by an acquaintance of 
his, where we fell a-smoking and discussed the local news. 

While refreshing ourselves in this manner in the cigar- 
store, there came to us, first, a fan-merchant, who bore an 
armful of his wares, made of paper gaudily painted with 
Maltese crosses and other cabalistic figures. He was 
instantly followed by a seller of shawls. Then came 
maidens bearing bunches of wild, not to say ferocious, 
flowers ; then dealers in dogs ; and, lo, presently reap- 
peared our indomitable lace-man, who undespairingly had 
tracked us up. Pari pasim with him came a mortal rival 
of his, another lace-man. Interspersed among them was 
an innumerable company of guides, ravenous to show us 
the wonders of Valetta In an evil moment we patron- 
ized the fan-merchant. The encouragement that this cir- 
cumstance afforded to the rest was tremendous, and the 
consequent onslaught upon us was terrible. Only by 
the most unflinching determination did we escape utter 
ravage. 

The city of Yaletta is one of the most up-and-down 
places on record. Its thoroughfares are a series of in- 
clined planes, diversified with flights of steps, which dis- 

J7 



190 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

concert and balk thick-winded people compIeteh^ It is 
indispensable that these unfortunates should do their 
peregrinations on wheels, and for their accommodation 
there are numerous oddly-contrived vehicles — though 
it is requisite that he who makes use of them should be 
a man of nerve ; for, independently of the great risk of 
being tossed out on the stones by the outrageous jolting, 
the constantly recurring incitements to run away offered 
to the animals by the steep descents, and the exceeding 
imminency of a fatal catastrophe in such an event, cause 
the passenger to feel pretty sure that he is rushing into 
eternity. The buihlings resemble those of the Spanish 
cities, being furnished with balconies to the windows, 
and appear tall and stately, and withal gloomy by reason 
of the narrowness of the streets. It is a dingy-looking 
town, but rendered lively by the crowd of do-nothings 
prowling about seeking prey, and by the military and 
their music which is dealt out in a perfect diarrhcea of 
melody. A distressing dash of melancholy is, however, 
infused through the air by the ringing of the church-bells, 
whose awfully lugubrious notes were pealing forth with 
scarce an intermission day and night, till they almost 
turned our brains by the heaviness of heart they engen- 
dered. 

While poking about the outskirts I stumbled upon a 
British warrior off duty, and fell into a long conversation 
with him, — its length being vastly augmented by the cir- 
cumstance that the English veteran knew not the Eng- 
lish tongue. From him I gathered an immense fund of 
information concerning the military features of the island 
— whereof I understood not ten words ; but presently, 
upon mentioning St. John's Cathedral, he kindly offered 
to pilot me thither. 

The church of St. John is one of the most notable 
relics of the old Knights of Malta. The British warrior 
conducted me to it, but I had barely got within its 
shadow before a legion of guides snatched me away from 
him. I made what opposition I could, but it was en- 
tirely futile, for they chaperoned me through it whether 
or no. I did not profit greatly by their assistance. Their 
language was almost incomprehensible, and the multi- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PnvSlC. ]91 

plicity of expounders rendered everything obscure by 
reason of the shedding of overmuch light. Now it was 
that I had cause to rejoice that I had perfected myself 
in the knowledge of the Latin by conversation with the 
padre of the Guipuzcoa, for the fluency thus acquired 
enabled me to extract much valuable information from 
the various inscriptions, which I perused with what 
seemed to me to be a tolerably near approximation to 
their true intent and meaning; though, really, I would 
have been pleased to have had a dictionary and grammar 
with me. In my judgment this church is not the extraor- 
dinary object that it has been represented to be. It is 
adorned with the usual variety of sculptures and paint- 
ings, but it has a faded and neglected look about it, not 
resembling the mellowing effect of time, which is not 
prepossessing. It is a charnel-house for the bones of the 
old kniglits, and the most striking portion of it is the 
pavement, which is almost made up of sepulchral slabs 
engraved with obituary notices in their honor. 

" The knights are dust, 
And their good swords are rust, 
Their souls are with the saints, we trust." 

I was dragged and shoved down by my persecutors 
into a dungeon below, and made to stare at the tombs of 
certain illustrious dignitaries of the order, — of whom a 
circumstantial account was given me in Arabico-Italian, 
but I will not detain my narrative by repeating it. 

The Palace of the Grand Master, which is now occu- 
pied by the governor of the island, contains some speci- 
mens of armor and tapestry said to be worth seeing; but 
as all its entrances were vigilantly guarded by the very 
flower of the guides, and I am a man of peace and no 
upholsterer, I forbore to make any attempt to penetrate 
within it. 

At night I lighted my pipe and strolled forth to con- 
template the city in its nocturnal aspect. In wandering 
through one of the streets the sound of boisterous revelry 
proceeding from a tenement that I passed smote upon 
my ears. The funereal clangor of the bells, my conflicts 
with the guides, and the desperate struggles I had been 



192 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

compelled to make to preserve myself from the purchase 
of cats and do^s, had affected my nerves; carkin^ de- 
spondency was eating me up, and to lighten my weight 
of woe I bethought me to enter this i)lace of merriment. 
It was a very unpretentious establishment, patronized 
almost altogether by soldiers, who were collected there 
in pretty large force, and seemed to be enjoying them- 
selves very much. One of the most prominent figures 
was a personage in a red coat, with his hat off, of great 
gruniness of visage, who sat on a bench with his arms 
crossed over his breast, executing a comic song in a dis- 
tressingly cracked-pot voice, with the precision and fixed- 
ness of purpose of a leader of the church psalmody. I 
thought it was one of the worst songs ever composed ; 
not so the songster, however, who insisted upon its 
merits being fairly investigated ; for being constantly 
disturbed by the noise of dancing and talking, he was as 
constantly breaking off in the middle of a line to exclaim 
in a tone of highly indignant remonstrance, " 'Ishe, 
carn't you ? and 'arken to me sing!" Nay, so determined 
was he that his ode should be rightly appreciated that 
whenever he reached the end of it he instantaneously 
began at the beginning again. 

1 took a seat on a bench opposite to that occupied by 
the melodist, and hearkened to his warbling with the 
most respectful consideration, being, I believe, the only 
person in the room who had sufficient regard for the 
claims of etiquette to do so. While thus engaged one 
of the company, a burly, rough-looking individual, ap- 
proached me, and remarking that he perceived I was of 
foreign parts, invited me to partake of a glass of porter. 
Finding upon minute inquiry that nothing stronger was 
sold here, I concluded that the place was to all intents 
and purposes a temperance house, and so very cheerfully 
partook — knowing full well that I would be sustained 
therein by a unanimous vote of the Noah's Flood divi- 
sion. To one who studied human nature in Malta simply 
from its outcroppings, an invitation of this sort under 
these circumstances might readily be suspected to be a 
delusion and a snare. It was not so, however, in this 
case. My entertainer had not drugged my liquor, he did 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 193 

not pick my pocket, nor did he garrote me on the street ; 
on the contrary, after extending his hospitality, he had 
little more to do with me, and even excused himself from 
taking a reciprocal glass. Surely this was a Maltese in 
whom there was no guile, and I gladly put the incident on 
record to show that even after a sojourn in Valetta it is 
not well to absolutely abandon faith in our fellow-man. 

At the seventh repetition of the song or thereabouts it 
began to pall somewhat upon me, and thinking I had 
listened to it sufficiently to satisfy the requirements of 
politeness, and my melancholy still oppressing me, I con- 
cluded to rise and endeavor to kick off the incubus, — in 
other words, I proposed to participate in the dancing. 
But at this moment the hour struck beyond which it is 
not lawful for military men to be out of their quarters. 
In the twinkling of an eye an utter change overspread 
the scene. The lips of the minstrel became hermetically 
sealed and the joints of the dancers became stiff, and 
before I could well realize it I was almost alone. The 
interest of the place was now gone, and I wandered 
forth again, continuing till I reached the seashore, where 
I planted myself in a bastion, and putting my hands in 
my pockets gazed ruefully upon the waters, attuning my 
sombre fancies with the solemn dirge sung by the awful 
image of the vast unknown whose dread bosom pal- 
pitated before me. 

When I had sufficiently tasted of the luxury of woe at 
this spot I turned to go back to the hotel. It was a very 
dreary, lonely place, such as none but a sentimental 
person would care to linger at after dark. Immediately 
upon quitting the bastion I espied a sinister-looking indi- 
vidual dodging in the shadows, directly in my path. 
"By'r Lady," said I, "I am surely to be garroted. But," 
I continued, "thanks to a beneficent Providence, there is 
nothing to be squeezed out of me but my breath — which 
is itself no more than a vapor and idle wind. Howbeit, 
since, methinks, I am endued with some poor skill in 
surgical anatomy, in such case I shall put it to the proof 
with this pocket-knife; if, please heaven, its infirmities — 
seeing that it has lost the spring of its back — do not 

n* 



194 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

enforce it to shut up untimely at the pinch." With these 
encouraging reflections I marched on. 

A melancholy man ofttimes becomes unwontedly bold 
through mere indifl"erence to fate, and I now felt tremen- 
dously valiant from this cause. Upon coming up to the 
skulker I stopped promptly and glared at him most un- 
dauntedly. He at once came to my side, simultaneously 
bursting into a torrent of Arabico-ltalian, and we went 
along together — my responses to his observations, what- 
ever they may have been, being extremely short, sharp, 
and decisive. Whether his intents were wicked or char- 
itable I could not accurately ascertain. I acted on the 
assumption that they were of the former class, and being 
one of those who deem it wrong to put temptation in a 
man's way, I gave him none whatever; on the contrary, 
if he designed to assault me he must have perceived that 
I rather discouraged the attempt, for I kept him well in 
the field of vision, and in the most advantageous position 
for the ready performance of the operation of tracheot- 
omy till we reached the frequented portion of the city. 
He continued with me even into the hotel, where he 
spoke me a speech, which I supposed was a parting 
benediction, and, receiving it as such, was going to my 
room, when so violent a paroxysm of words seized him 
as made the landlord hurry forward to interpret. By 
this help I made the astounding discovery that he was 
having the inconceivable effrontery to claim salvage for 
bringing me back safely to the hotel ! Upon this I had 
a mind to cut his throat anyhow, but pacified myself by 
denouncing him as a highway robber and midnight 
assassin. 

1 lay in bed meditating with a thankful heart upon my 
more or less complete deliverance from the lace-men, the 
fan-men, the flower-girls, the guides, and the sellers of 
dogs and cats. Before morning I had reason to be espe- 
cially grateful for the restraining grace that had enabled 
me to resist the enticements spread around the latter 
animals ; for, believe me that however different Maltese 
cats may be in physical conformation, in manners and 
customs they are identical with the cats of our own kin- 
dred and tongue, — as was made clear to me by the evi- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHTSIC. 195 

dence of apparently no fewer than one thousand of them, 
who had gathered together on the housetop to make love 
and war. Rising above the din of battle ever and anon 
came a soul-withering clang from the church steeples; 
and thus lulled the livelong night by caterwauling and 
bell-ringing we sank and rose in rapid alternation to and 
from repose. 

The first thing in the morning the enemy renewed 
their assaults. While making our toilet our original 
indomitable lace-merchant charged the door, took it by 
storm, and had effected a lodgment in the chamber before 
we could take any measures for defense. Close upon his 
rear followed others, less bold but equally rapacious 
compatriots of his, bent upon sharing the fruits of his 
daring. Some terrific skirmishing ensued, and in the end 
we got them out — maintaining the entirety of our pocket- 
books ; but it was truly a narrow escape. 

Such things as these made our sojourn in Yaletta a 
time of bitterness to us, and for peace' sake we fled to 
Citta Vecchia, — a little town about six miles distant, — 
where we hid ourselves from the eyes of men in the 
catacombs. On returning to the city we hurried to our 
apartment and locked the door, venturing no more into 
the streets till we set forth for the steamer en 7'oute for 
Naples. 

The climate of Malta is highly commended by sundry 
authorities for its salubrity. I stayed there too short a 
time to form any opinion of its quality from personal 
observation. From my knowledge of Valetta I cannot 
advise any person short-of-puff to take up his abode there, 
and gentlemen of a fractious frame of mind had better go 
somewhere else. 



19G THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 



CHAPTER XV. 

Of the ominous Bark wherein we set sail for Italy, and of a very dis- 
tressful Accident that happened to me, and of the unrighteous 
Accusations made against me therein — Of our Transshipment into 
another Barl<, and the fresli Tribulations engendered thereby — 
how we sped triumphantly past Scylla and Charybdis and got 
safely to Naples — With brief Descriptions of the Places we saw on 
our Way. 

The steamer in which we escaped from Malta bore the 
portentous name of Scylla. She was a little English- 
built propeller, strong- and well furnished, as English 
builders generally make their ships, but maltreated, as 
they are very apt to be when they fall into the hands of 
Italians. The chief defect in her construction was excess- 
ive smallness of the staterooms. Ours was situated at 
the tip-end of the saloon, and was the smallest in the lot ; 
moreover, its door did not open outwardly, but inwardly, 
upon the adjoining stateroom, through which it was ne- 
cessary to pass in making our exits and our entrances, and 
which was held and possessed by a fat, old, and irascible 
Englishman. There were a great many passengers on 
board, which caused us to be uncomfortably crowded, and 
likewise occasioned a distressing panic to arise at the an- 
nouncement of every meal, because it must needs be the 
inevitable lot of some one or more to bide his time for 
the second table. 

We started propitiously with a smooth sea, though 
two or three of our companions contrived to get sea- 
sick. The company did not fraternize very well. There 
was a feeling of distrust and animosity amongst us in 
consequence of being packed too closely together; and 
accordingly we sat and glowered at one another till it 
became dark enough to justify us in going to bed, and 
then retired in high dudgeon and supreme contempt. 

The wretchedly diminutive size of ni}^ stateroom caused 
me a great deal of trouble in making my adjustments for 
the night, for I did not know what to do with my clothes 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. IQt 

and portable baggage. I arranged things at last, however, 
by rolling all up in a lump together and sticking it under 
the pillow, leaving out mv umbrella, which I put to bed 
bj my side and lay with all night. Soon after depositing 
myself in my berth, war broke out between me and a 
nation of hardy and unconquerable fleas, whose homes I 
had invaded, which was waged with scarce an interval of 
peace till daybreak. About two o'clock in the morning, 
just after a terrible struggle, in which I had slain one of 
the enemy, in looking through the port-hole a most 
beautiful vision refreshed my eye. It was the city of 
Syracuse, which we were approaching, basking in the 
moonbeams. It looked like a gossamer city under the 
influence of the soft, benignant light, forming a picture 
of indescribable sweetness. Little did I think while 
soothing my soul with this delightful scene that our 
guardian angel, the man at the wheel, was fast asleep. 
Nevertheless, so it was, and but that the officer of the 
watch providentially woke up in time to rouse him, some 
of us would, peradventure, have been rendered rather 
damp and mouldy, for the harbor of Syracuse is not one 
readily entered with the eyes shut. 

Surely this ship was built in the eclipse and rigged 
with curses dark. In rolling over next morning my orbs 
beheld a spectacle that made me fairly gasp with dismay. 
In the wild battlings of the night I had overlaid my 
umbrella, and, to my inconsolable sorrow, crushed the 
handle off. Poor, dear, old cotton umbrella ! It had been 
my companion in all my wanderings — from amongst the 
barbarians of Minnesota to these amongst whom its use- 
fulness had been curtailed. Its handle, in the opinion of 
the most sagacious zoologists who had examined it, was 
designed to represent a Cynocephalas, or dog's head, and 
was carved in the simple, massive style peculiar to Egyp- 
tian art, which chastely indicates rather than clearly 
bodies forth the ideal of the sculptor. It was unique, — 
no other dog's head I have ever seen bearing comparison 
with it, — and was the crowning, and, indeed, the only 
glory of the umbrella; for the rest of it, both in structure 
and fabric, was somewhat commonplace, its spine being 
bent, and its ribs bowed with age and hardship, and its 



198 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

integument having the ashy pallor of anaemia. With the 
loss of the dog's head the implement lost all that redeemed 
it, and thenceforward became a byword and a reproach 
among all nations that I aftervA'ards visited. 

The upgetting of the company in the morning was at- 
tended with a great commotion, arising from the simul- 
taneous calls upon the steward for water for ablution, 
none of this element being to be found in the stateroom 
tin pitchers. Our fat, old, and irascible neighbor con- 
tributed abundantly to the clamor. So did I, and opened 
the door between us to give freer vent to my voice. He 
was out of bed, and filled the room as he sat on a stool 
making his toilet, and smoked with hotness engendered 
by cramped quarters and tight boots. As I opened the 
inner door the steward opened the outer, which thereby 
was caused to impress a very palpable pat upon that 
huge segment of his carcass which protruded over the 
hinder edge of the stool. Straightway, with vehemence, 
he turned upon me. " Wot are you a bumpin' of me for ?" 
says he. "I'm not a bumpin' of 3^ou," says I. "You 
a/'e," says he ; " carn't I feel ? If you'd a told me you 
wanted to go through, I'd a got out of your way, sir." 
" I don't want to go through," says I, " and I haven't 
bumped you ; it was the steward." "If you've got pa- 
tience enough to wait one minute," says he, " I'll be 
dressed and leave, and then you won't have to bump me 
any more, sir." " I haven't bumped you at all," says I ; 
"it was the steward, I tell you!" "I have no doubt of 
it, sir, no doubt of it," says he; " but still I ask you to 
please not to do it again, anj^how." As it was bootless 
to argue the point any further, I closed the door and 
waited for him to finish. In the mean time the steward 
gave him another pat, which he had the perverse audacity 
to lay to my charge also ; but this accusation I indignantly 
refused to repel. 

On going upon deck, there was Syracuse before me, 
looking by no means like the fairy city I had seen through 
the port-hole in the night. I had risen too late to go ashore, 
for we were already on the point of setting out again, 
and hence saw no more of the place than was to be seen 
from the vessel. Thus viewed there was nothing pecul- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 199 

iarly strikinp; about it, but the picture was not an uninter- 
esting one for all that; for it was backed by the great 
volcano Etna, whose mighty bulk rose in the distance 
till its peak became mantled in the clouds, which, as 
they from time to time were blown aside, revealed it 
covered with fields of snow and emitting huge whiffs 
of smoke. I would have been glad to tarry for awhile 
at Syracuse for Archimedes' sake and for its other asso- 
ciations, of which it has its share; and this, indeed, is 
wellnigh all it has to commend it to the traveler, for it 
is now fallen very low from its old-time pinnacle of 
opulence and power. 

Leaving Syracuse, wo sailed along the fertile Sicilian 
coast, the constant sight of habitations amongst the hills 
brightening the landscape, and snow-crowned and smoking 
Etna always in the scene, till mid-day, when we stopped 
at Catania. This is a town of some seventy-five or eighty 
thousand inhabitants, situated at the base of the volcano, 
which towers grandly behind it, and by which it has time 
and again been treated with great harshness. Besides 
having been well drenched with the offscourings of the 
ill-tempered mountain, it has repeatedly been thoroughly 
shaken up by earthquakes. It is likewise a favorite 
resting-place for pestilences on their travels. The cholera 
took off seven thousand of its people at one sweep, — a 
circumstance which should go far towards weakening the 
confidence which some entertain in the potency of su]))hur 
fumigations against this malady. Encompassed thus with 
manifold and mortal perils, the citizens of Catania have 
grown to be uncommoidy pious — so I judge from the fact 
that there are a hundred and eight churches in the city ; 
and at the same time they have exhibited that admiral)le 
trait which makes the best of a bad thing by building 
their houses of the very lava that was intended for their 
sarcophaguses. From the harbor, which is a very unre- 
liable one, the city presents a picturescjue appearance, 
which is enhanced by the numerous church-towers and 
the long row of arches pertaining to the railroad which 
they have at last got through to Messina. 

We remained here four tiresome hours and then went 
forth again, still sailing close to the pleasant shores of 



200 THE'^BOOK OF TRAVELS 

the island. When night came on, a brilliant mass of lights 
resting upon the waters to our right indicated the town 
of Reggio, which sticks out like a corn upon the toe of 
Italy. We were now in the narrow Strait of Messina 
which parts the island from the mainland, and at nine 
o'clock were at Messina itself It required a great deal 
of patient manipulation to get our craft safely into the 
harbor, which is a most excellent one and perfectly pro- 
tected from the fury of the sea, being so secure, in fact, 
as to be dangerous; for an unwar}' ship may readily run 
her nose into some of the defenses, especially if entering 
at night. We, however, had the man at the wheel 
bawled at till he was wide awake, and then put in direct 
communication with our commander astraddle of the bow- 
sprit by means of a line of mariners. There was also a 
branch line connecting with the engineer. By dint of 
these measures after alternately going forward a little 
and backward a little more, we ultimately got into the 
great basin within, and there dropped anchor. 

The Scylla had now attained her goal, for she connected 
with another steamer here which plied to Naples, and to 
which we were notified that we must transship ourselves. 
Excepting the microscopic staterooms, the somnolency of 
the pilot, the struggle for sustenance, the ravening greed 
of the fleas, the internecine propensities of the passengers, 
the baseless accusation of bumping, the ruin of my 
umbrella, and two or three other trivial discomforts, my 
voyage on the Scylla had been as pleasant as heart could 
wish, and I was prepared to leave her with the most 
favorable impressions ; but when I was overhauled 
and charged by the head-waiter with an attempt to ab- 
scond without paying for a bottle of their commonest 
wine, she fell in my opinion mightily. I had risen after 
having for the second time contributed liberally of my 
slender substance to the necessities of their fleas, had 
packed up, and embarked in a boat for the other steamer, 
when the head-v,'aiter arrested me and preferred his 
accusation. The thing was preposterous and bore the 
marks of its enormity upon its face. Had it been a bottle 
of whisky or brandy involved in the question, I am free 
to confess that the waiter miffht have had some tolerable 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 201 

ground to stand upon, and I should have felt some dis- 
position to debate the case on its merits ; but to suppose 
that a man of my feeble constitution would do violence 
to his nature bj purchasing, still more by paying for 
such weak, paltry stuff as wine, was so ridiculous that I 
laughed him to very scorn, and simply bade him, and the 
boatman simultaneously, to be off. 

The new steamer was the Milano, yet smaller than the 
Seylla but more comtnodiously arranged, though by no 
means exceptionally comfortable. A great influx of fresh 
passengers occurring, so augmented our numbers as to 
overstrain the resources of the vessel to such an extent 
as to throw us into a state of painful uncertainty about 
obtaining quarters ; for the commander was a man of 
gallantry, and ordained that the ladies should have their 
pick and choice of the staterooms before the claims of 
any gentleman should be considered ; but as through- 
passengers were next in favor we in the end procured 
accommodations. Having come to something like a sat- 
isfactory understanding on this point, I took boat and 
went ashore to make observation of the city. 

Messina is beautifully situated at the base of ranges of 
hills and upon their sides, and is environed with lovely 
scenery. It is a large city, containing a population of 
upwards of one hundred thousand. It has broad streets 
and is well built, its houses being tall and fine looking, 
and set off with balconied windows. It appears to be a 
thriving commercial place with an energetic people, whom 
I was pleased to note, both male and female, briskly pol- 
ing about town, manfully attending to business in spite 
of the showers of rain that were falling. The large 
amount of shipping that flecked the harbor was an addi- 
tional and unmistakable evidence of its prosperity. Like 
Catania it has been severely jarred by the earthquakes, 
and the one of 1783 jarred it near about down, but it has 
since arisen in full-fledged triumph from the rubbish. 

My inspection of Messina was a somewhat hurried 
one, forjiiy acquaintance with the Italian language was 
not sufficiently thorough to enable me to obtain from the 
captain of the Milano an exact knowledge of the time 

18 



202 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

when he purposed to depart, and this day being the 
critical First of April, 1 was loth to offer hini any temp- 
tation to perpetrate the capital joke of leaving me adrift 
on the island of Sicily with no money in my pocket,— 
wherefore I deemed it judicious to hasten on board again ; 
by which was occasioned to me the loss of sundry 
edifying spectacles. Above all, I deplore my inability to 
have visited the Cathedral, where, as I am assured, are 
deposited an autograph letter of the Virgin Mary's to the 
towns-people of Messina inclosing a lock of her hair, an 
arm originally appertaining to the Apostle Paul, and 
Mary Magdalen's own proi)er skull, — things full worthy 
of attentive observation, and which no intelligent traveler 
would willingly fail to see. 

On returning aboard I found the ship in great com- 
motion Another influx of passengers had poured in and 
a death-struggle was prevailing for quarters. If we had 
been packed on the Scylla, we were rammed and jammed 
on the Milano. The ladies, as might have been easily 
predicted, had exercised to the full the privilege accorded 
them by the gallant captain of prime choice of staterooms, 
and every woman had chosen a whole one for herself; in 
which she was now enacting something akin to the role of 
the dog in the manger, strenuously declining to share it 
with any one of her own sex, and proposing no compromise 
on any one of ours. This state of affairs occasioned such 
an amount of jawing and capering and fermentation as to 
cause the intervention of the governing powers, who, 
under the operation of the martial-law, which is the normal 
rule on shipboard, shoved the passengers into the state- 
rooms whether or no till they were filled to overflowing, 
and then gave the rest of the company unlimited author- 
ity to bestow themselves upon the tables or wherever they 
could. 

About two o'clock in the afternoon, while the crowd 
was still wriggling and seething like a cupful of fishing- 
worms, we weighed anchor and struck out for Naples. 
Jn no great while we had reached the mouth of the 
Strait, infamous by reason of Scylla and Charybdis, — the 
former being, or having been, a rock on the Italian side, 
and the latter a whirlpuol confronting it on that of Sicily. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 203 

As all know, this was a spot of direful terror to the sea- 
faring men of former days. 

There are good reasons for the belief that the porten- 
tous descriptions of the classic writers are not altogether 
poetical extravagances, and that at one time the passage 
presented formidable difficulties to the mariner. If so, the 
scene has, however, greatly changed. The strait cer- 
tainly looks wide enough for all practical purposes, and 
there is no extraordinary commotion of the waters. 
Nothing at all of Scylla in any shape or form did I dis- 
cover, nobody on board knowing where to look for her, 
and Charybdis has degenerated into a plain sea-beach, 
whereon reposes in desolate majesty an assemblage of 
fishermen's huts. Having steam-power we shot through 
without swerving one jot or tittle from our course ; but I 
likewise observed common sail-boats pursuing their way 
with an equanimity of soul inconsistent with the close 
proximity of peril. All the classic terrors of the spot 
are gone. It is stated that its regeneration was effected 
by the revolutionary energy of the great earthquake of 
1783, which tore the whirlpool up by the roots and scat- 
tered its fragments to the winds and waves. 

Turning our backs upon the abased and impotent 
Scylla and Charybdis, we beheld before us as we entered 
the open sea the lofty peak of Stromboli, famed for being 
a volcano forever burning, in which glory it is nearly or 
quite alone. It is an island belonging to the Lipari clus- 
ter, — a group composed of small dabs of lava and pumice 
and sand that have at different periods been spit up or 
vomited out of the bowels of old mother earth, — and 
shoots up three thousand feet, rising from the waters like 
some tremendous tapering pillar. It forms an extremely 
striking object, and we longed greatly to see its fires; but 
though we were still sufficiently near to it when night came 
on black enough to set off even a faint light to advantage, 
its summit was hidden in impenetrable clouds and we saw 
nothing of this interesting phenomenon. 

The sea roughened considerably as we got farther out, — ■ 
a timely and grateful dispensation, whereby my companion 
and myself and some few other veterans of the deep were 
mercifully delivered from a pressure upon the dinner-table 



204 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

that would otherwise have been overwhelming. As night 
approached, the wind freshened a great deal, the sea rose 
still higher, and the weather looked positively ugly. In 
casting about for some one to commune with, I came 
across an American who, though resident in England, 
had kept himself unspotted from its heresies. Worked 
up by the leaven which operates in every American 
bosom, we Instantaneously commenced to talk politics. 
He was the hardest-headed man I ever encountered, and 
the least amenable to the reception of truth ; for though 
I never argued clearer or more cogently in my life, it was 
absolutely impossible to convince him that my views on 
slavery and secession were right and his wrong. De- 
spairing of ever opening his eyes to the true light, I gave 
him over to darkness and turned to a solemn middle-aged 
English gentleman who, sitting hard by with his chin in 
his hand, had been contemplating us every now and then 
with a rebuking scowl upon his countenance. He was a 
most doleful figure, and the first attempt at conversation 
showed that his soul was troubled to its depths by appre- 
hensions of imminent shipwreck. His scowl was the 
manifestation of his amnzement and indignation that any 
one should be so thoughtless and foolhardy as to discuss 
politics in such a crisis as was then upon us. I started 
various topics, but he invariably and immediately got 
back to the deadly peril we were in, which he contrived 
to connect with the theme of discourse with an ingenious 
appropriateness which was extremely creditable to his 
constructive faculty. " If the ship founders out here," 
said he, using good logic, " she will go down; then what 
will become of us ?" " We shall be drowned," said I, 
with all the confidence of one who feels that he is assert- 
ing an assured fact. But he, too, was prejudiced and 
sterile, and was bettered by this perfectly plain statement 
of the case no whit more than had been my political an- 
tagonist under similar circumstances. I then endeavored 
to comfort him by declaring that there was not the least 
danger, and that I had myself, in my limited experience, 
come safely through incomj)arably worse weather than 
this. But he was non-comfortable. " Yes," returned he, 
" so have 1 come throu-ih worse ihan this. It was worse 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIYSrC. 205 

from Dover to Cally — [the Channel is always the crite- 
rion and exemplar in maritime affairs with your inchoate 
English traveler] — but that's no reason we shouldn't 
founder now, A pitcher — [he said "jug," but I translate 
into our dialect] — a pitcher that goes many times to the 
well will be broken at last — and the more times it goes 
the nearer it is to the last one. I believe I have gone 
once too many." " It may be so, indeed," said I ; "the 
best way, therefore, will be to go to bed and sleep till the 
time for action arrives, when you will awake refreshed 
and strengthened for a good swim. Have you a berth ?" 
" No, I haven't," said he, sharply, " and I don't want one. 
I do not propose to sleep to-aight. I wish to meet the 
event in full possession of my faculties." There was 
nothing more of consolation and hope that I could think 
of to offer, and I left him furbishing up his prayers. 
Meanwhile, those of the passengers who had berths to 
go to went to them, and the rest coiled themselves away 
in any place they could find to hold them ; and every- 
thing being now very dull and gloomy I turned in, too. 

I rose early next morning, and going upon deck found 
that we were sailing in the glorious bay of Naples, but 
whose beauties were sadly obscured by the fog and driz- 
zle of a wi'etchedly disagreeable day. We could, how- 
ever, see Vesuvius, by whose base we passed, looming 
through the mists, his sides dank with vapors and reek- 
ing with hazy-looking smoke. Proceeding, the city 
revealed itself, gradualh^ growing more and more distinct 
and imposing, till presently we were amongst a multitude 
of vessels packed together in almost solid mass, in whose 
midst we dropped anchor. Straightway boats came off 
to the steamer and bore us and our possessions ashore in 
a quiet and gentlemanly manner quite alien from the style 
of disembarkation prevailing in these seas. Before quit- 
ting the Milano I took leave of my foreboding English 
friend, whom the surety of land had intensely revived in 
spite of a sleepless night and rainy morning, wishing him 
prosperous gales across the Channel, whose perils he must 
needs again encounter before reaching home, — which wish 
he received very benignantly, especially when, bethink- 
ing myself, 1 struck out " gales" and inserted " breezes" 

18* 



206 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

in the aspiration. As for our individual selves, ray com- 
panion and I on landing were taken in charge by abloaty- 
coniplexioned, decayed man, smelling furiously of old and 
defunct drunks, u'ho pronounced himself to be a hotel- 
commissioner. He escorted us into the custom-house, 
had us scrutinized, — which was done with a superficiality 
worthy of all laudation, — and in ten minutes we were 
made free of Naples 



CHAPTER XVI. 

How we had diffipulty in setting up our Staff in Naples, and of the place 
where it was finally set up — Of Naples in its out-of-door Aspects. 

Under the superintendence of the man of ancient 
drunks, we rode through long streets and by many a 
stately structure till we reached the Hotel d'Angleterre, 
which was the one we proposed to patronize. That estab- 
lishment was chock-full. We went to another, and that 
was full, too. We went to still another, and that was 
full, too, excepting an apartment in the cockloft, which 
was offered but declined with thanks, on account of in- 
sutliciency of wind to climb up to it. We began to get a 
little troubled in mind at these unexpected difficulties; 
but next tried the Htitel of America, formerly the Hotel 
of the Britannic Isles, — the change of name, let me by 
no means forget to state, being made out of compliment 
to our own great peojjle — a change which, while it must 
be excessively humiliating to our old puffed-up enemy, 
should be to us no less a cause for national exultation. 
Here they had two vacant rooms, and, as our commis- 
sioner now dolorously notified us that he was at about th< 
end of his list, we were constrained to deposit ourselves, 
under its roof — right under its roof, in fact, for the rooms 
were in the very uttermost top of the house, forming a very 
trying abode for my sick companion, who, when up, could 
never venture down save for the gravest reason, and 
when down could never go up except as a finality for that 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 207 

day's proceed inp:s. The admirable American device of 
elevators has nut been introduced into European hotels 
as yet ; nor will any thoughtful man censure tliis back- 
wardness in the march of improvement when he considers 
that the charge for apartments falls in proportion as they 
rise in the air, and how preposterous it would therefore 
be to offer any facilities or inducement for going aloft. 

We tugged up to our quarters, whither our baggage 
followed immediately, — the commissioner lending his 
valuable co-operation in the transportation. His sides, 
scorched and corroded by alcohol, palpitated like jelly 
under the effort, and in his pantings the chamber became 
surcharged with pestilent vapors from the mouldering 
relics of innumerable toddies whose spirits had utterly 
departed. It was with more than usual willingness that 
we gave him his fee, knowing full well that it would be 
forthwith applied to the kindling of a new and more 
fragrant flame. 

Notwithstanding that national feeling would lead me 
to extol any establishment bearing the cherished name of 
America, I do not find myself able to subordinate facts 
to patriotism sufficiently to tell more than the truth about 
this one, and therefore I am constrained to say that I 
have been in better. At the same time it is but fair to 
add that I suspect there are worse. It is very possible 
that it may be as good as any in Naples. It is situated 
on the street, or place, or whatever it is, called the Chia- 
tamone, and confronts the sea. In point of bulk it is a 
very grand affair, and its parts are connected together by 
mysterious and solemn passages, narrow and dubious, 
and built seemingly in the walls. Its outlook commands 
an extensive prospect of salt-water and an unexception- 
able view of a drill-ground, which is right before its front 
door, where every morning the military taught them- 
selves to harmonize their movements with cabalistic blasts 
of the bugle, to the scandal and disgust of peaceable 
people. Its accommodations and charges do not quad- 
rate even approximately. The establishment took the 
entire day to cook its dinner, which was served at half-past 
six o'clock, and achieved a splendid failure after all. At 
this meal each dish was set swinging round the circle, 



208 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

each guest helping- himself if thereto minded and any- 
thing was left by the time it got to him, so that there 
was no absolute need for speech ; but at breakfast, where 
you ordered what you wished viva voce, that man who 
spoke nothing but p]nglish was in jeopardy of famine; 
for albeit this was an American hotel, our tongue was but 
ill comprehended by its men of function. When fried 
ham and eggs, or such like matters, were requested of the 
attendant, his mode was to demand a consultation with 
his professional brethren, and the staff being got together 
around us we were subjected to a searching examination, 
when, by combining their wisdom, they generally man- 
aged to make out about as accurate a diagnosis of the 
case as is commonly got at in consultations. 

In some particulars Naples presents a marked altera- 
tion from the city as pictured by ancient travelers of ten 
and twenty years ago. The Lazzaroni, in the description 
of whom they were wont to grow so fervid, are wellnigh 
passed away, — having perished either by process of na- 
tural decay, or by the strangling grip of King Victor 
Emmanuel. No perfectly well-defined specimen of this 
once numerous and strongh' characterized class came 
under my observation. The dirt, too, against which so 
many and vociferous howls of execration have been 
sounded, had, when I saw the city, disappeared ; but 
whether to attribute its absence to the enlightened ad- 
ministration of the potentate, or to the cleansing properties 
of the rain which had been washing out the place almost 
every day for some weeks, is more than I know. Suffice 
it to say, that when I was there it was not dirty at all. 
But, notwithstanding these deprivations, there is still 
enough within it and around it to distinguish it and to 
embalm it in the memorv of the visitor. 

Every one who has been to Naples speaks in terms of 
glowing admiration of its bay, — except certain men of 
Gotham jealous for the honor of their own bay. Its beauty 
has become proverbial. Few persons gaze upon the 
works of nature with more calmness and dignity than I, 
or are less disposed to form an exaggerated estimate of 
their charms, but in this instance my sentiments ai'e in 
consonance with those of the herd. Surely it is a beau- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PnVSIC. 209 

tiful bay. But bow could it be anytbing else wbere tbere 
is a broad expanse of blue and limpid water, cut off" from 
tbe sea by picturesque islands, and inclosed by circling- 
shores moulded by tbe hand of Nature into sunny heig-hts 
and verdant slopes and embellished by man with all his 
art ; having a great and magnificent city rising gloriously 
out of its waves ; while to crown the scene there towers 
a mighty mountain smoking continually ? The dullest 
imagination must kindle somewhat at the picture it pre- 
sents. Not a little of its artificial beauty, it a})pears to 
me, is derived /rom the peculiar style of architecture of 
the houses that sprinkle its borders, which harmonizes 
admirably with the other features. Let the New Yorkers 
copy this in their villas and they will make a notable 
stride in their rivalry. Their bay, speaking dispassion- 
ately and candidly, is not, I think, at this present time 
quite as good to look at as that of Naples, — but they 
might make it better than that. They have water in pro- 
fusion, and they need only a little alteration of contour, 
the transplanting of an island or two, some shoveling 
up and shaking down of dirt, a volcano, etc. etc. etc., to 
enable them to bear away the palm. 

Naples has nearly five hundred thousand inhabitants, 
being in point of population much the most important 
city in Italy. Amongst such a mass of humanity there 
must needs be a vast amount of stir and bustle, and hence 
it has an extremely animated appearance, — quite shocking 
to one who has been taught to mourn over the land as 
effete and sunk in sloth. In some of the principal streets 
what with the rush of pedestrians and the whirl of vehi- 
cles I could easily believe myself to be in Broadway, of 
which I was continually reminded by the resplendent 
shops, whose windows were filled with enticing articles 
set off" with all the inveigling environments in which the 
cunning Manhattanese are such adepts. To enjoy these 
goodly sights to which I was irresistibly drawn 1 polished 
my nose to the slickness of an onion against the glass, 
counting as dross the reproach of being a man from the 
country. The number of mathematical and philosophical 
instruments thus displayed speaks well for the progress 
of science in these parts, and horology is so far advanced 



210 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

that nearly every watchmaker manufactures his own time, 
keepinG!' a chronometer, jerking it out in presence of the 
puljlic to show them that his time is of another o^uess sort 
to that of any of his competitors. Sellers of jimcracks, 
unmatchable practitioners in the indigenous mystery of 
improvising, are stationed at the corners, and in your 
progress you jostle against republicans and sinners, 
and scribes and pharisees. The sinners are very perti- 
nacious, having an exceeding sharp eye for a foreigner, 
whom they fasten upon almost immovably and strive to 
beguile into devious ways. If current tales say true — . 
and no doubt they do — these rank amongst the chief of 
sinners. I was spotted by them instanter, and though it 
should seem that my appearance ought to have acted as 
a salutary check upon them — for I will be bound a more 
demure and virtuous-looking person they never set eyes 
on in all their experience — still they bedeviled me much. 
The scribes are an institution of the place. They have 
not as yet become sufficiently enlightened in this country 
to tax people for the education of other people's children, 
and consequently the knowledge of the chirographic art 
is not as widely disseminated as we find it elsewhere. 
Hence it is that a goodly part of the population are wont 
to employ amanuenses in the transaction of business in 
which writing is required, and the demand for talent of 
this description has given rise to a distinct profession. 
The great bulk of its patronage is derived from those 
afflicted with love, — a propensity to scribbling being one 
of the pathognomonic signs of this variety of monomania. 
The scribes 1 encountered were all men of age and dis- 
creetness, as is fit in those who are to perform functions 
of delicacy. They received the tender whisperings, mould- 
ing them into shape and spicing them with tropes, and 
figures, and sentiments, and then charging an envelope 
with the mixture, dispatched the amatory bombshell on 
its destructive mission. 

The traveler of delicate feeling will be flattered soon 
after entering Naples by receiving a posy — of no great 
dimensions, it is true, monochromatic very likely, and 
inodorous or rankish almost certainly — from the fair 
hands of a damsel who is one of many who appoint them- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 211 

selves to do this courtesy to strangers ; and if he accept 
it with a becoming acknowledgment — that is, with a re- 
ciprocal present of half a franc — he n)ay confidently count 
upon a continual repetition of this tasteful attention. He 
will be flattered, — but really with very little reason, for 
the damsels are by no means fastidious in selecting the 
beneficiaries of their floral favors. Even I was cliosen, 
and presented by them with scarce less than a scuttleful 
of the little bouquets by actual measurement. One of the 
girls, especially, of about forty or forty-one years of age, 
not perhaps faultlessly beautiful, — though of her features 
it were difficult to form a perfectly accurate conception 
unless she had been first tooled with a scraper, — seemed 
to be mightily smitten with me; waylaying me every 
morning and evening, and sticking a posy into my button- 
hole whether I would or no. Anxious not to introduce 
any sordid element into our purely sentimental com- 
munion I forbore to make any pecuniary recognition of 
her affection, excusing myself with the plea of no small- 
change and with promises for " to-morrow" — the manana 
of the Spaniards, in the use of v/hich I had perfected my- 
self during my residence amongst them. I had every 
hope in this way of tiding myself safely through and out 
of the city, — and had done so even to getting into the 
carriage at the hotel door en ruute for the railroad station, 
when she overhauled me. She bounced in upon me, jerked 
that morning's posy out of my button-hole, and both in 
action and speech proceeded in a way to hurt my feelings 
greatly. Travelers having any character to lose — 1 had 
none myself, traveling incognito in Europe — do well to 
put their feet down firmly at the first onset of the flower- 
maidens, seeing how hard it is to touch pitch and not be 
defiled. 

Naples is one of the musical centres of the earth. Its 
denizens are gifted with an inimitable aptitude for untan- 
gling the mightiest mysteries of the gamut, and are 
capable of mastering any instrument that can be devised. 
The shops pour forth a flood of melody, and the streets 
are bathed in it by tuneful choirs perambulating them 
night and day with guitars and harps and fiddles. The 
national instrument, which the Italian exiles have made 



212 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

so familiar to us, the hand-organ, of course abounds, and, 
truly, tlu^y are ri<;-ht crafiy in playinp: on it, and nowhere 
have I heard it made to discourse more bile-stirring notes. 
The monkey attachment appears to be an innovation 
upon the original simplicity of the instrument adopted 
in our country to suit the more material character of 
American taste, since I do not remember to have ob- 
served this appendage anywhere in Naples. Invention 
has not, however, been idle here, and I noticed particularly 
an improved organ that was much in vogue, — the im- 
provement consisting of the addition of a pair of wheels, 
which served as an admirable substitute for the old neck- 
strap in common use, and vastly lightened the labor of 
transporting the apparatus from place to place. In its 
improved form it was operated by two men, one shoving 
the machine along and the other grinding out the music. 
One of this class of instruments was rolled up and 
brought to anchor in front of our hotel regularly every 
morning, where it remained till breakfast was thoroughly 
accomplished, banging out its appointed cycle of fanta- 
sias in one long, unbroken chain of repetitions. 

Upon our dull ears the harmonies of the organ fall 
unappreciated, but they readily attune themselves to the 
cultivated auricular appurtenances of the Neapolitans. 
When a musician implants his box before the door of a 
citizen of Naples, he lets liim play on undisquieted till 
he pla3^s himself out; not seeking to cajole him away, 
nor to drive him off by revilings, or by setting the dog 
on him, or by bestowing red-hot cents into his hand ; nor 
yet bribing him in any manner, as we are wont to do, 
and thus unwittingly aid in perpetuating the already too 
abased condition of musical science in our country. 

I was not prepared for the paucity of beggars I en- 
countered. From what I had read I expected to find 
the place made almost impervious b}' them. I saw very 
few indeed. Whether they had died of starvation, or 
seen the error of their way and turned rich, or what had 
become of them, I could not clearly ascertain. I strongly 
suspect King Victor Emmanuel has had some hand in 
the matter, for he is a sagacious monarch, skilled in the 
modes of driving poverty out of sight — w-hich is the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 213 

ipproved plan of dealing" with it when it is impracticable 
o drive it out of existence. Certain small boys were by 
far the worst of the importnnates that I fell in with. 
These sought to awaken my charitable impulses by 
making themselves extremely agreeable or disagreeable 
— I could not positively determine which they intended 
— through the medium of gymnastic exercises performed 
in my presence and on ray behalf However they meant 
it, 1 was scandalized bej'ond measure by it ; for what 
could be more humiliating than for a gentleman dignified 
and sanctified almost to primness to be preceded in his 
progress along the public streets by a boy walking on 
his hands, or, with a ferocious shout whirling over and 
over before him like a hoop ? This I endured, and with- 
out chance of remedy ; for all my attempts to kick the 
persecutor failed completely by reason of his superior 
agility, — while the failure signally increased the contempt 
which his proceedings were bringing down upon me from 
all beholders. 

But while the beggars have dwindled away, the eccle- 
siastics hold their own manfully; and this in spite of the 
fact that Emmanuel, being on bad terms with the Pope, 
never misses an opportunity of snubbing them. A 
unique assortment of these personages is to be met with 
on the street — some with no hats on their heads, some 
with no hair thereon ; some wearing cowls, and some 
having hats of commodious crown and far-stretching 
brim, like those worn in Spain, but unlike those with tlie 
brim sjjread out and wriggled into a variety of rather 
dandyish cocks and twists. Some of them look su- 
premely sleek and gentlemanly, and others, barefooted 
and abominably dirty, have the mien and port of sacred 
vagabonds or holy loafers. One of their chief functions 
appears to be to attend at funerals, upon which their 
presence with tapers and crucifixes and sacred utensils 
confers great eclat. An additional solemnity is given to 
these melancholy celebrations by an array of mourners 
clothed from head to foot in a sort of meal-bags, with 
ghastly yellow-bordered apertures near the top for eye- 
holes — at whose appearance the dumfoundered beholder 
from a far country knows not whether to laugh or weep. 

19 



214 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

In this connection I may mention a hideous mode of 
burial perpetrated upon such defuncts as in their lifetime 
had not timassed enough of this world's g-ear to forefend 
it. They have a cen)etery which contains three hundred 
and sixty-six pits, one for each day in the common year 
and a su|>ernumerary one for bissextile or leap-year; and 
one of these ])its is opened every evening, into which 
that day's swath of the Great Reaper is slung hetero- 
geneously and then shut in till the recurrence of the 
anniversary, when it is scraped up and shaken down to 
make room for the new batch. What with Ku-Klux for 
the funeral cortege and such sepulture as dog-catchers 
give to dogs, it is a fearful tiling to die in jS"a()les. To 
provide against the last-named horror, the inhabitants 
have hit upon the device of clubbing together in burial 
societies, each society owning its own tomb, in which 
every member in good standing who pays his monthly 
dues regularly is entitled to accommodations. 

Not only is it very unsatisfactory to the deceased him- 
self to die in this town, but in certain cases the event is 
apt to result in considerable bother to his surviving 
friends. It is a prevalent belief in Naples that consump- 
tion is an infectious disease, and there are no stancher 
professors of this faith than the hotel-keepers. If, there- 
fore, a guest with this malady succumbs to their mephitic 
vapors, indigestible provender, and Alpine stairways, and 
dies under their roof, it is in their judgment necessary 
that his chamber should be torn to pieces, fumigated, and 
reconstructed — due charge for all which is wont to be 
incorporated in the bill. Upon this matter dreadful dis- 
putes have arisen between them and the heirs, adminis- 
trators, and assigns. It must not be supposed, however, 
that when the disinfection has been paid for, the landlords 
invariably act in accordance with their judgment and 
have it done. The imperfection of human nature forbids 
us to entertain the supposition, for if their })athological 
views are sound, the purification of the apartment must 
unprofitably retard the robbery of the next occupant. 
My professional brethren of the city, I am pleased to 
record, do not hold this heretical doctrine concerning 
consumption, but discourage it — possibly, somewhat to 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 215 

their detriment; wherein our most nol)le order contrasts 
gloriously with our deadly enemies tlie lawyers, who, I 
am informed, have contrived to segre«);-ate to themselves 
nearl}^ all the real estate in Naples V)y dint oF the inge- 
nious incubating and wire-drawing of lawsuits. 

While there can be no difference of opinion as to the 
beauty of Naples when seen from a distance, a person of 
a critical taste might easily discover great blemishes on 
a nearer inspection. It will strike the ordinary traveler, 
however, as a very pleasing city. Its houses are gen- 
erally lofty, which of itself suffices to give them an im- 
posing appearance, though at the same time it imparts 
something of gloom to the less animated portions of the 
town. It is a compactly-built city, not large enough to 
hold the people that are in it, many of whom, it is said, 
reside out-of-doors, never sleeping in a room except when 
in jail. The streets, which are above thirteen hundred 
in number, are for the most part narrow. Some of them 
are decidedly zigzag in their course, and when followed 
up will suddenly split into a bi- or tvifurcation, — a circum- 
stance which may lead a plain, straightforward newcomer 
into grievous straits. Some of them, again, are so pre- 
cipitous as to require steps for their ascent, and some of 
this class I found to be outrageously delusive, for on 
mounting them in the laborious prosecution of the re- 
searches which give such a value to this volume, I occa- 
sionally found myself brought to a stand-still in somebody's 
stable-yard or poultry-preserves, and at a great loss how 
to account for my presence to the inquiring proprietors. 
On the other hand, however, a few of the streets are very 
spacious and full of life, as I have described, and that 
known as the Toledo, which is the principal thoroughfare 
of the city, for activity and variety of scene will compare 
well with any street in Europe. For so large a place 
Naples is very deficient in public squares, there being but 
one of any consequence. This is the Villa Reale or 
Royal Gardens, a narrow space stretching along the sea- 
side for about a mile. It is laid out very neatly into 
walks, and planted with evergreen trees and shrubbery, 
and is adorned with a great number of copies of cele- 
brated pieces of ancient statuary. It has also two little 



216 I' HE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

temples, containing- respectively a bust of Virgil and of 
Tasso, and now holds on the spot formerly occupied by 
the Farnese Bull a statue of Vico — a distinguished Nea- 
politan who, having fractured his skull, was set to think- 
ing, and became a great philosopher. It is furnished with 
refreshment-saloons, and in my time its attractions were 
augmented by the presence of a flock of artificial birds, 
at which sportsmen were allowed to shoot with a pop- 
gun at a reasonable price per crack. It is a place high 
in the regard both of citizens and strangers, for here the 
indolent can loll refreshed by the sight of pleasant pros- 
pects, while the stroller finds it one of the most delightful 
promenades. 



CHAPTER XVII. 

Naples within-doors. 

So far we have confined our observation to the out-of- 
door aspects of Naples: let us now go within-doors for 
awhile. And here we are met by the fact that there are 
no great number of doors whose entrance will repay us 
for the trouble of going to them, for the objects of in- 
terest in the city itself are very few, though it must be 
added that among them are some of the most remarkable 
in the world. 

Of the palaces I shall say nothing, having seen nothing 
but their outsides, — nor of the three hundred and forty 
churches did I see any that deserve a particular descrip- 
tion. Closely akin to churches are charitable institutions ; 
with which, to its honor be it said, Naples is liberally 
supplied. They might be made to furnish many profita- 
ble lessons were I at leisure to inculcate them — among 
the rest to exemplify most lucidly the retroactive bless- 
ings of almsgiving ; for it is currently reported that their 
worthy managers have in many instances waxed rich in 
dispensing their charities. Few of my readers, I believe, 
are sufficiently philanthropic to tolerate a description of 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 217 

these institutions ; nevertheless, nothina: shall induce me 
to omit the mention of one which surely was founded in 
the golden age, and whose counterpart I fear we sliall 
never see in our land till the millennial dawn. It is a hos- 
pital, surpassingly magnanimous in its scope and objects, 
where they not merely receive the unfortunate and take 
care of them, but pa// their dehU in addition 1 Such a 
fact as this deserves to be widely promulgated among our 
countrymen, that they may ponder upon it while they are 
ignorantly proclaiming the fogyism of Europe. Thus it 
may happen that they may humbly confess their error 
and — Heaven speed the time ! — may imitate the ex- 
ample. 

Of the jails great complaint is made by those who have 
resided therein. The accommodations are described as 
very ordinary indeed, and the authorities are denounced 
for their disregard of the welfare of the body-carcerate, 
whose numbers, alread}^ very large and rapidly increas- 
ing, it is contended should entitle them to greater con- 
sideration. In the days of that old villain King Boml)a 
and his line, these places became horrible dungeons, 
where he who dared to breathe a word or a sigh for lib- 
erty was shut in, and manacled, and watched unceasingly, 
and prohil)ited from conversation, and denied the conso- 
lation of books and newspapers (in their case not even 
a Bible or prayer-book was allowed), and weighed down 
with all the indignities and cruelties with which tyrants 
vainly hope to degrade and crush out the champions of 
the sacred cause of freedom. Fearful and overtrue tales 
are told of atrocities inflicted on these unfortunate men. 
Their poor bruised and insulted bodies indeed perished 
into dust, but their unquenched spirits passed triumphant 
through the prison walls and moved among the people, 
doing their holy mission ; and this day the remnant of 
the race of their tormentors, beaten from their seat, mope 
like owls in Rome, objects of scorn and abhorrence to 
every manly soul in Christendom. 

Few persons who visit Naples fail to go to the theatre 
of San Carlo to witness the Italian opera. I happen to 
be one of the few. This is a humiliating confession, and it 
is manifestly incumbent upon me to state why this was so. 

19* 



218 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

In the first place, then, I find it insufferably difficult to 
comprehend a language that I do not understand, and 
Italian is not one particle more intelligible to me when 
sung than when said. Secondly, I had no fine clothes of 
my own to display to the public, while I am apathetic 
even to downright stolidity to the sight of them on other 
people. This reason will of itself, doubtless, amply suffice 
to excuse me ; since these two circumstances are the 
great, paramount, and controlling motives that determine 
us Americans in our patronage of the opera in our own 
country ; but, in addition to this, I was assured by ac- 
quaintances who did go to San Carlo that they were given 
entirely too much for the worth of their money ; for the 
perfoi'mance l^egan a little while after sunset and ended no 
great while before sunrise, so that they were constrained 
to lose a vast portion of it — there being no provision for 
sleeping, and it being considered bad ton to be gaping 
eight or ten hours on a stretch. 

But in fact almost the only in-door sights in Naples of 
real interest are to be found in its Museum, and for these 
it must be confessed that it stands alone ; for among 
them are the relics from the dead and buried and exhumed 
cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum. Besides this dis- 
tinctive feature, the Museum has a respectable stock of 
the staple articles of European museums — choice paint- 
ings, ancient crockery-ware (of which a redundancy is in 
existence), and antique statues, some of which are seemly 
and symmetrical in appearance, and others torsos, — as 
chunks of sculptured rock sans head, sans arms, sans 
legs, sans everything, are euphemistically designated by 
the connoisseurs; some of these last being tastefully re- 
habilitated with the heads and appurtenances formerly 
belonging to other torsos. Amongst its statuary are two 
works of especial celebrity — the Farnese Bull and the 
Farnese Hercules. The former illustrates the mythic 
story of Pirce and Antiope, vividly showing how Dirce, 
for beguiling Antiope's husband, got herself tied to the 
horns of a wild bull, and is an enduring warning to the 
all-potent sex how they go about fascinating us weaker 
vessels. Antiope and her whole family are represented 
participating in the performance — all except Lycus, her 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 219 

lord, who, husband and manlike, kept shady, and left 
poor Dirce to bear the brunt, — and from the figures about 
the base of the piece it appears that sundry small animals 
graced the occasion with their presence. The Hercules 
bodies forth, in massive proportions, that hard-working 
character resting on his club after a big job, and is an 
admirable representation of a strongman exhausted with 
fatigue. His legs are new, his original pair having given 
out. 

This Museum possesses the finest collection of bronze 
statuary and sculpture in existence. A peculiar super- 
natural air is given to some of the busts and statues of 
this n)aterial by glass or silver eyes, which contrast 
awfully with their black visages. It is also rich in 
mosaics, the floors of several of its apartments being 
formed of specimens of this kind of work brought hither 
from houses in Pompeii and Herculaneum. Of course it 
has a collection of Egyptian curiosities, for this is a sine 
qua non with all museums. The specimens of glass and 
crockery-ware include decanters, tumblers, pie-plates, 
sepulchral urns, etc. etc., and amongst them are a number 
of those votive figures by which the pious invalids of old 
were wont to manifest their gratitude for recovery. To 
this collection one worthy has contributed his photograph 
in baked mud, which exhibits his countenance liberally 
sprinkled with grog-blossoms, or some other cutaneous 
eruption. Here, too, are included several of that skill- 
fully contrived kind of money-box which allows the money 
to go in and then holds it irrecoverably, one of them 
being the property of a penny-wise-aud-pound-foolish man 
of Pompeii, who, instead of spending his money gener- 
ously, withdrew it from the channels of trade, and hid it 
away in this receptacle, at the end losing the use of it 
forever, and bequeathing to future generations a solemn 
testimony against laying up treasures in this world. 
The numismatic collection embraces some forty thousand 
coins and medals of ancient dates, as well as some of 
modern periods — and a Peruvian mummy. 

One department of the Museum is devoted to old in- 
scriptions. Amidst a great deal of rather recondite mat- 
ter here spread out something occasionally appears that 



220 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

can be grasjjed by the common mind. Thus, there is a 
most excellent stone almanac, being a square block cal- 
culated for the meridian of Rome, and giving the names 
of the months, the numl^er of days therein, the length 
of the days and nights, the signs of the zodiac and the 
sun's place therein, tlie tinies for sacrificing to the Pe- 
nates, and other festivals of the Church, the period for 
sowiuii" and reaping grain, pulling fodder, and gathering 
apples, together with other information of transcendent 
interest to country people, — and, in short, needing only 
predictions of the weather, days auspicious for venesec- 
tion and hog-killing, times of meeting of the county 
courts, and some jokes and receipts for making good 
cheap pies, to entitle it to rank with the best almanacs of 
the present era. We also see amongst these inscriptions 
certain placards of astonishing resemblance to some 
which we occasionally observe at home ; for they appeal 
to the people to rally to the polls and avert impending 
destruction from the country by voting for Servius Tom- 
nuis, Spurius Diccus, and Gassius Harrius. A couple of 
the Public Documents of the days of yore are likewise 
preserved here in the shape of bronze plates recording 
the enactments confirming tlie right and title of Bacchus 
and Minerva to certain parts and parcels of the public 
lands, from the use and benefit whereof the said Bacchus 
and Minerva had been unlawfully restrained by the within- 
mentioned parties, against the peace and dignity of the 
commonwealth. Along with these enactments are others 
concerning the taking of the census, the distribution of 
bread, and the making of roads, — these latter, inasmuch 
as they involve the interests of the government, being 
published in plain vernacular Latin, while the former, 
affecting only the rights of private individuals, are very 
properly set down in abstruse, outlandish Greek. 

Some of the articles I have mentioned were obtained 
from Pompeii and Horculaneum, but many of them from 
other places. There are, however, collections comprising 
specimens exclusively from the buried cities, and these 
are the most unique and interesting portions of the Mu- 
seum, for they enable us almost to participate in the 
everyday life of twenty centuries ago. It is an impress- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHFSfC. 221 

ive sight to see these exhumed relics from the grave of a 
long dead and forgotten city, the meanest of which affords 
so much for fancy to sport with, and for thought to 
ponder on. Who can help asking himself where now is 
the fair being to whom belonged that finger-bone with 
the golden ring upon it? or forbear to picture in youth 
and loveliness her whose skeleton arm lies eloquently 
mute before him, clasped with its silver bracelet? And 
how fares it with Q. Cranius, baker, who, himself blotted 
utterly from the earth, has left behind him a loaf of his 
bread stamped with his name, carbonized to charcoal, it 
is true, but shapely and symmetrical as on that memor- 
able day when he turned his back upon his bake-house 
forever ? And the paint-seller whose stock in trade has 
been transshipped thither — what of him ? But most rue- 
ful spectacle of all to me was a pill-tile and spatula, the 
mortal remains of a brother of mine, who, while busied 
in the merciful work of pill-making, had to take to his 
heels, and, it is greatly to be feared, lost all his practice. 
The objects of this class are numerous, and every one 
tells us something of old-time modes and customs ; and a 
great deal of the feeling of wonder that overspreads us 
as we gaze upon them, I find from careful analysis, is 
due to the discovery we are thus enabled to make that 
these ancient people were eating and drinking and sleeping 
and breathing beings astonishingly like ourselves. Many 
of the articles are of a kind quick to perish or be injured, 
as nuts, and fruits, and eggs, yet they are well preserved 
and very fresh looking, having suffered more during the 
few years they have been unearthed than in the whole 
eighteen centuries they lay buried in the ashes of Vesu- 
vius. Among the curious objects must be mentioned a 
sun-dial of the rather uncommon shape of a shoulder of 
bacon, and something which has been surmised to be a 
lens for reading, — which is important if true, for the 
modern world has long mourned over the misty state in 
which the elderly portion of the ancients were condemned 
to wander for the want of spectacles. Lady visitors to 
the Museum are generally more struck with the collection 
of jewels and gems than with anything else, and 1 have 
seen the sweet creatures moping and mowing over them 



222 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

for a lonjr time. The collection embraces ear-rings, finorer- 
rings, chains, and a variety of such ensnaring gear, be- 
speaking the sad fact that in every age the female sex is 
one and immutable. There are several cases containing 
cameos and intaglios representing various ancient worthies 
and mythological subjects, and amongst them are some 
pieces made ready for the engraver, but from which his 
hand was stayed. Many of these specimens of jewelry 
are tasteful in design and elegant in execution. In this 
department is to be seen what some esteem to be the 
most precious object in the Museum, being a shallow 
onyx cup eight inches in diameter, which is said to be 
worth a million dollars. Upon its bottom is depicted a 
visage surmounted by a crop of hair like a hurrah's nest, 
which is reputed, and no doubt truly, to be designed for 
a Medusa's head, while within is sculptured a set of 
figures the interpretation of whose intent and meaning 
has bred terrible tornadoes amongst contending anti- 
quaries. 

A further inspection of these memorials of the past 
might well make us pause in our ranting boasts about 
the inventive genius of our age. It may seem incredible, 
but the proof is here before us, that, in the lapse of nine- 
teen hundred years, we have not been able to advance a 
step in the construction of hammers and nails, or pokers 
and pickaxes, and other things of prime utility. Here I 
saw pots and skillets differing scarcely perceptibly from 
the utensils in use at this very day in the preparation of 
bacon and greens and corn-bread by the highly enlight- 
ened people of the State of Virginia. There are very 
many other articles of household and kitchen furniture on 
exhibition which are not essentially different from ours. 
Thimbles, hair-pins, combs, and fish-hooks are shown not 
to be modern inventions. Cow-bells, it appears, were 
rung by means of clappers even in those early times. In 
their day and generation the people of Pompeii were called 
upon to suffer as we in ours under the dispensation of 
flutes, and were besides afflicted with a strange kind of 
clarionet, the touch of which we are mercifully permitted 
not to know. They had scales and weights resembling 
those still in use, and they were sagacious enough to 



OF A DOCTOR OF F BY SIC. 223 

adopt our custom of having an inspector of weights and 
measures, as we learn from one of tlie implements which 
bears the certificate of that functionary avouching its 
accuracy. The}' possessed no contemptible knowledge 
of some departments of physics, being, for example, as 
conversant with the laws governing the operation of 
gravity practically as was Sir Isaac Newton theoretically 
— as witness their loaded dice. Some of their mechan- 
ical adaptations, however, exhibit unnecessary complexity; 
thus their stocks — whereby I intend not the attire so de- 
nominated for the neck, but gear for the legs — was unduly 
cumbersome, lacking the simplicity which the progress of 
art in our day has impressed upon the instrument. In- 
deed, it is possible I shoidd not have divined the purpose 
of the clumsy piece of ironmongery but for the obliging 
assistance of a picture-seller at my elbow. But, though 
unshapely in construction, the apparatus was all that 
could be desired in the paramount quality of security, as 
appears froni the four skeletons it had kept clamped for 
eighteen centuries. Finall}^, in pursuing our investiga- 
tions, we find that the resources of humanity, whose cul- 
tivation is so creditable to any people, were not altogether 
neglected by the Pompeiaus. The kindh^ consolations 
of surgery were within their reach, and from the array of 
knives and other invaluable chirurgical appliances that have 
come down to us, we are warranted in drawing the grati- 
fying inference that the method of relieving our suffering 
fellow-creatures by cutting them open and sawing them 
up was understood and practiced before Christianity had 
spread its beneficent light over the world. 

One of the discoveries at Ilerculaneuni, which prom- 
ised a great deal, has so far turned out to be very barren. 
In making excavations in the buried city, the workmen 
opened a room in one of the houses which contained a 
great number of black dumpy lumps of something that 
were taken to be pieces of charcoal. The regular manner 
in which they were laid, however, suggested that they 
might be something more valuable, and upon examination 
this was found to be the case. The workmen liad hit 
upon the study of soiue great Ilerculanean genius, and 
these black lumps were his books. They were made of 



224 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

the leaves of the papyrus and rolled up, as was the style 
of the period, but had become so glued together by the 
influences to which they had been subjected as to present 
almost insuperable obstacles in the way of unrolling them. 
To accomplish this object various mechanical and chem- 
ical devices were resorted to unsuccessfully ; but at length 
a machine was invented which, though slow and imperfect 
in its operation, does the work passably well. Upon 
unrolling them they were found to be long sheets of the 
pajn'rus, varying from eight to sixteen inches in width, 
written in columns between three and four inches wide, 
separated by about the distance of an inch, each column 
containing from twenty to forty lines. The ink with which 
they were written was of a sort soluble in water, and 
consequently easily washed away, a circumstance offer- 
ing one of the chief difficulties in unrolling them by any 
of the more obvious methods. Between seventeen and 
eighteen hundred of these papyri have been collected, of 
wliich some tive hundred have been unrolled and deci- 
phered. I perused some of them that were spread out 
for inspection, and was utterly nonplused thereby. They 
had the appearance of broad, jet-black, quadrangular 
patches, with ragged borders, and here and there a bit 
plugged out of the midst. They were in Greek char- 
acters, capital letters being used exclusively, some of 
which were more catacornered and m3^stical even than 
those of the orthodox shape, so as in some instances, in 
fact, to be unrecognizable ; and the characters were col- 
located iu a way that was far less satisfactory to the 
reader than the writer, who wrote straight along, un- 
hampered by the trammels of punctuation, or breaks be- 
tween words and sentences, or any other of the conven- 
tionalities of chirography which so bother and impede 
modern penmen. In the thorough carbonization of the 
mass, the letters had become almost indistinguishable 
from the surface on which they were inscribed, and it was 
only at particular angles of the light that I could discover 
them at all. 

What I gathered in my researches amongst the pap3a'i 
was, as I have intimated, not much; but there are those 
with more patience and erudition than I can claim who 



OF A DOCTOR OF PUTS 10. 225 

have devoted their lives and energies to the study of 
them, and been rewarded with great success. By these 
mai'tyrs we are told that they are almost altogether 
upon such themes as dull fools suppose to be hard and 
crabbed, embracing such perpetual feasts of nectared 
sweets as prelections on Virtue, and Vice, and Rhetoric, 
together with antibilious treatises on the divine philoso- 
phy of Epicurus ; wherefore we are authorized to con- 
clude that the sage, their possessor, was a philosopher 
filled with wholesome admonition and wise reproof, an 
admiral)le companion for young people, and to the general 
public an excellent substitute for opium. 

The Pompeians seem to have been not near so culti- 
vated a people as their companions in disaster, the Her- 
culaneans, — nothing whatever indicative of a taste for 
literature having been discovered in their city except a 
cast in ashes of a scrap of papyrus, and it is a fact of 
melancholy significance that this is a portion of a law- 
paper. 

The bibliophilist will be pleased to visit the National 
Library, which is in the Museum building. It contains 
about two hundred thousand printed works and four 
thousand manuscripts, some of both classes being very 
rare and valuable. Emblazoned upon the floor will be seen 
a long and gorgeous line of rams, and bulls, and crabs, and 
scorpions, and other objects more recondite, which the 
beholder will gaze at with awe and wonder till he recruits 
himself with sufficient of his astronomical lore to identify 
them as the signs of the zodiac. From observation and 
reflection I infer that this brilliant afl'air is some kind of a 
sun-dial. The Library likewise possesses an echo of good 
quality, which the excellent librarian takes the greatest 
delight in evoking by clapping two big volumes together, 
for the edification of the visitor. 



20 



226 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

Of sundry noted Places in the Neighborhood of Naples — The Tomb of 
Virgil— The Lake Agnano— The Grotto of the Dog— The Sulfatara— 
Monte Nuovo — The (irotto of the Sibyl — The Ijake Avernus, and the 
Town of Bai<T?, — together with Contributions towards the Biography 
of a certain ardent Follower of Science. 

The visitor to Naples will find more that is worthy of 
his attention outside of the city than in — and surely there 
can be but few places in the world with surroundings of 
such great and varied interest. Ilei-e the lover of the 
picturesque can batten on the beauties of the land and 
sea, and the student of Nature watch her at her secret 
work in the caverns of the earth; while on every hand 
the thoughtful n)ind meets with some memorial that lulls 
it into pensive meditation on the past. 

Just at the western termination of the city, upon a 
height that overlooks the sea, stands the reputed tomb 
of Virgil. It was on a Sunday that I made my pilgrim- 
age to it. Like the ashes of some other great men I 
have heard of, those of the Mantuan bard have become 
the vehicle for turning an honest penny — the pilgrim who 
comes to sigh over them being estopped at the foot of the 
hill by a stanch gate, whose key I found was in the 
custody of a classic blacksmith hard by, and who never 
opened the portal under ten cents. I sought the janitor 
in his fiery den, where, undeterred by the sanctity of the 
day, he was hammering with ail his soul upon a piece of 
red-hot iron, and surrounded with aiders and abettors in 
his sin, — and speedily negotiated an entrance. Follow- 
ing a subordinate detached to conduct me, I penetrated 
the inclosure and began the ascent. The way led up a 
long and fatiguing flight of stone steps, passing through 
such poetic scenery as vines and weeds and cabbage- 
patches, until it attained the summit of the eminence, 
where it descended into a little glen, in which, secluded 
and almost hidden, was the tomb. It is a square vault, 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 221 

built of a crumbly kind of stone, and overgrown with ivy. 
The interior is about fifteen feet in length and the same 
in width, having two windows and one entrance, with a 
level floor of sand. Upon the sides within are ten little 
niches intended for the reception of urns. It is a very 
humble and unimpressive sepulchre. 

Virgil and I had not been friends in youth ; but, as has 
been beautifully asked, " Who can look down upon the 
grave even of an enemy and not feel a compunctious 
throb that he should ever have warred with the poor 
handful of earth that lies mouldering before him ?" In 
later years, when acquaintance with him was no longer 
forced, I sought him out voluntarily, and then obtained a 
juster idea of his merits, finding him all elegance and 
sweetness. I was, therefore, prepared to venerate this 
spot as the resting-place of one whom, estrangement 
reconciled, I had come to love as a gentle minister to my 
happiness ; but here the sad fact presented itself that 
there was no certainty that the poet's bones lay anywhere 
near me. There was a tombstone, it is true, affirming 
it, — but who can believe a tombstone ? 

The case is very doubtful, to say the least of it. Yirgil 
himself directed that his remains should be interred at 
Naples, and there is no reason to question that the in- 
junction was obeyed ; but there are no means of identify- 
ing with exactness the spot where they were laid ; for no 
writer who lived sufficiently nea,r the poet's time to make 
his statements trustworthy records it, and the original 
memorials have utterly perished long ago. Tradition has 
fixed upon the glen on the height by the seashore, and 
the choice has been confirmed by apocryphal passages in 
certain authors and by an adroit construction and appli- 
cation of the words of certain others — methods of ap- 
proved use in settling classical topography everywhere. 
Many illustrious men have stood here reverently in full 
faith, and, again, many have stood here reverently, too, 
perhaps, but full of skepticism, — so that, at any rate, it is 
become hallowed ground. The pilgrim believer in the 
infallibility of the latest authority will be delighted to 
find the spot certified by a monumental slab erected at so 
recent a date as 1840, and its evidence is made almost 



228 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

unimpeachable by the fact that the inscription upon it 
was written by Yirgil's own hand : 

" Mantua me genuit ; Calabri rapuere ; tenet nunc 
Parthenope. Cecini pascua, rura, duces." 

The inclement weather, with which we were greatly 
troubled, prevented us from doing ourselves full justice by 
the environs of Naples. We did our best with them, how- 
ever. One of our most interesting excursions was along the 
western shore of the bay as far as Baiae. We devoted a 
day to this, hiring a vehicle and a guide, and starting 
early in the morning, in company with two other gentle- 
nuen — an Irishman and a Scotchman. Passing the tomb 
of Virgil we came immediately to the Grotto of Posilipo — 
a tunnel cut hundreds of years ago through the hilly 
range that shuts in the city on the west. 

Issuing from the grotto and proceeding for about two 
miles through pleasant scenes, we reached the Lake Ag- 
nano. This is the crater of a volcano whose fires have 
been supplanted by water. I saw nothing remarkable 
about it, nor does it possess any trait that exalts it above 
one of our full-sized mill-ponds, except that it utters forth 
a quantity of vapors pestiferous and odoriferous with 
sulphuretted hydrogen. On the shore is a sort of lime- 
kiln with compartments, into which the wretched victims 
of gout and rheumatism are thrust to be kiln-dried by 
the great whiffs of sulphur vapor that in this infernal 
region burst out of the earth in blasts hot from Tartarus. 
I entered the kiln to inspect it professionally and found 
that it felt very warm and smelt very nasty ; also, that 
when I put my foot down firmly there came forth just 
such a sound as if I had trod on the head of a druni ; 
and a heaviness of feeling overcoming me all at once, I 
came out. 

But the great oly'ect of interest at this lake is the cel- 
ebrated Grotta del Cane, which obtains its appellation 
from the circumstance that dogs are caused to taste of the 
pains of death therein for the instruction of the philo- 
sophic visitor. This is an excavation in the side of a 
hill large enough to permit three or four persons to stand 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 229 

in it, and with the bottom of it sunk a foot or so below 
the level of the ground outside. In the cavity thus 
formed the deadly carbonic acid gas collects from crevices 
in the cavern, from which it is continually issuing, its 
great weight causing it to accumulate in a stratum high 
enough to reach to about the knee ; all the gas above 
that height diffusing readily into the outer air through 
the door ; so that one can stand in the grotto with im- 
punity, while to lie down in it would be attended with 
marvelous difiBculty in getting up again. A dirty, clay- 
colored scientist conducts a course of edifying experi- 
ments here designed to elucidate the physical and chem- 
ical properties of this remarkable exhalation — fee for the 
entire course twenty cents. We observed under his 
skillful manipulation how that a turpentine torch in full 
blaze was by simply depressing it towards the bottom of 
the cavity instantaneously quenched as effectually as if 
it had been dipped into a tub of water, while the surface 
of the invisible gas was clearly defined to us by the 
lighter smoke that floated in masses upon it. Our guide 
was a valuable co-operator with the scientist in his elu- 
cidations. He directed our attention specially to the 
odor of the gas, which he bade us note was distinctly 
that of champagne, and taking off his tall and capacious 
beaver dipped up a hatful and passed it round for our 
examination. I inserted my nose deep into the hat and 
took several prolonged sniffs. The smell was unques- 
tionably well marked, but it seemed to me scarcely that 
of champagne — it was, I thought, rather that of rancid 
hair-grease with a predominant savor of oil of bergamot. 
But by far the most conclusive and satisfactory of the 
experimental demonstrations was that with the dog. 
The one employed on this occasion was of small dimen- 
sions and cadaverous complexion, with a hide besprinkled 
with dingy splotches resembling patches of a very mean 
quality of wet brown paper — all due, doubtless, to a con- 
coction of his humors brought about by his unwholesome 
mode of life. He, however, was cheerful and even viva- 
cious in spirits, coming up readily at the heels of his 
learned master with his tail a-wag and a canine grin on 
his countenance. Indeed, it is confidently asserted by 

20* 



230 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

those who have looked deeply into the matter that the 
dog- takes a morbid delight ia dying; for, be it understood, 
that in these performances — 

"Non omnis moritur; multaque pars sui 
Vitat Libitinam"- — 

the dog does not altogether die, a goodly part of him 
survives, inasmuch as the operator takes heed to snatch 
him out of the jaws of death ere he has utterly given up 
the ghost ; wherefore he presently becomes fond of revel- 
ing in this champagne gas and willingly repeats it, — as 
a veteran toper duplicates his sprees, reckless of the 
horrors of the sobering stage. Our dog was cast into 
the depths of the cavern, where for a mitiute or two he 
kicked up uproariously and then lay dead drunk. At 
this point he was hauled out and dumped neck and heels 
upon the grass outside, where he fell into a series of 
drunken fits, presenting an awful warning. Little by 
little consciousness returned and reason regained her 
throne, but all the time we stayed at the grotto he re- 
tained a look of deep despondency, seeming sore sick at 
heart and stomach and full of unavailing remorse. 

I was myself more particularly interested in this 
striking experiment from having been at one time the 
trusted colaborer of the celebrated vivisectionist Dr, 
Brown-Sequard, with whom I was associated in the 
capacity of dog-decoyer and cat-catcher. In the days 
when this learned savant was professor of physiology in 
the Medical College of Virginia and I co-operated with 
him, hecatombs of animals were sacrificed on the altars 
of science erected in his lecture-room and in the dissect- 
ing-room, — for he taught physiology not in the way 
which is universal in this country, by precept, but by 
example. To provide materials for his purposes, the 
students were granted roving commissions, with instruc- 
tions to permeate the highways and byways of the city 
and ascend to the housetops for dogs and cats, — these 
being subjects of special quest with my able coadjutor, — 
at the same time being enjoined to disregard no form of 
animal life however unpromising, all being grist that 
came to my able coadjutor's physiological mill. The 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 231 

students entered into these pursuits with an assiduity 
that gave the most cheering' evidence of their zeal for 
learning and the most flattering auguries of their future 
attainments in knowledge. All over town they could be 
heard whistling up recruits, and scarce one ever came to 
lecture without some trustful canine quadruped pattering 
at his heels. 

A result of their ardor in this direction was the speedy 
raising of something like a panic in the city over the 
constantly-recurring " mysterious disappearance" of dogs, 
some of them among the best known and most respected 
in the community; but owing to the judicious manner 
of their taking off their fate has never been known even 
to this day. The seductive whistles to command their 
presence, the indignant calls, the frantic bawls, have 
long since ceased to echo through the yard and back 
alley ; the shoes that bore their anxious friends up and 
down in inquiry through all the neighborhood have years 
ago mouldered into dust upon the ash-bank; the adver- 
tisements offering recompense for their discovery lie 
among the forgotten literature of the past ; the wonder- 
ment of where on earth they can be in Gracious Good- 
ness' name once so rife upon the tongue has now died 
utterly away ; the very remembrance of most of them 
has in the lapse of time perished from out the memory of 
man : — but — murder will out ! and the awful disclosures 
of which I am now unburdening my conscience tell all 
the dread secret. Amid the burst of grief that these 
revelations must needs revive, let me, stricken friends of 
theirs ! let me conjure you to take of consolation from 
the sweet recollection that they did not die in vain ; and 
that, though they themselves are gone, their contributions 
to physiology are enduring. 

Cats as well as dogs came in profusion, with ducks, 
and geese, and pigeons, terrapins and fish, and game in 
season. Coons and 'possums — or, as they are denominated 
by precisians, raccoons and opossums — appeared at inter- 
vals, and, being a Virginia production hitherto unknown 
to my able coadjutor, elicited his profound attention, 
affording him much food for grave reflection and useful 
research. Guinea-pigs were scarce, their cultivation 



232 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

having never enlisted the energies of our people to any 
greit extent. Owing to their peculiar adaptability for 
purposes of science they were absolutely indispensable to 
hira, it being impossible for him to live in a country 
where there were no guinea-pigs. For this reason he 
became an exceedingly valuable citizen, for through his 
countenance the growth of guinea-pigs received an impetus 
which enlarged the crop many hundredfold, and thus 
proportionately augmented the material prosperity of the 
commonwealth. 

To accommodate the animals, the cellar of the college 
building was turned into a menagerie, where the dogs, 
eats, terrapins and all, were comfortably quartered ; and 
where they lived together as a sort of happy family, eat- 
ing one another up at every opportunity. Never was 
beard such a to-do as they made there. Internecine feuds 
prevailed, — not a day passed that did not witness one or 
more assassinations amongst them. Their wailings as- 
cended continually by day, and at night the acutest 
theologian could not have diagnosed their outcries from 
the bowlings of the damned. The building got an evil 
fame and reputation with the public, — being supposed to 
be infested with spirits, and from the very worst quarters 
of Tartarus. 

From the cellar as occasion required they were trans- 
ferred to the dissecting-room for the private investigations 
of my able coadjutor, or to the lecture-room for his public 
demonstrations. Those of them who were performing 
tours of duty in the cause of science, — that is, those with 
broken backs, slit wizens, tied- up interiors, and so on, 
were allowed to mess in the dissecting-room, and were 
treated with special consideration, — as is proper for such 
as are bearing the heat and burden of actual service. 
From here by facile descent they ultimately reached the 
lecture-room, and it is impossible to overrate the assistance 
they rendered in this phase of their usefulness. Nothing 
can be imagined more calculated to set forth the excel- 
lency and dignity of science than the sight of my able 
coacljutor equipped with a box of knives and a bottle of 
strychnine, with a dog unsuspicious of the future sitting 
before him upon the table regarding the assembled dis- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHY SIC. 233 

ciples with a cast of the utmost complacency and good- 
fellowship in his frank honest muzzle ; with a battered 
terrapin lying quite unconcerned on his right hand, and a 
goose abashed and distrustful of the company standing 
on his left ; — and with a ruined coon in one corner and a 
demolished cat in another, — and then to hear him begin 
with the established exordium, — " Zhonteel-man, I zall 
now poozeed too devil-up ze zoobzyake ;" — and then 
to note how speedily and how completely he did devil 
it up. 

Certainly there was no malevolence in the case of 
Professor Sequard and myself, — the animals suffered not 
for the idle gratification but for the substantial benefit of 
their fellow-men. And an immeasurable advance have 
they imparted to physiological knowledge ; for amongst 
other things, our experiments have settled conclusively 
the great facts that a dog with his stomach kept empty 
emaciates rapidly ; that a chicken with his head twisted 
off is thrown into convulsions ; that a guinea-pig when 
his skull is pounded upon will wink ; that a terrapin with 
his back hammered in moves his hind legs when his tail 
is pinched ; and that to resuscitate a 'possum professing 
death it is only necessary to cut his throat, — facts which 
while they might possibly be inferred by a prio7-i reason- 
ing, can nianifestly be irrefragably established only by 
actual experiment; and whose importance is sufficient to 
justify us in disregarding as maudlin those sentiments of 
humanity which some affect in dealing with this subject. 
In deference to sentimental clamors we, indeed, occasion- 
ally resorted to chloroform to dull the sensibilities of the 
martyrs, but we found it an undesirable complication of 
the case ; for, besides that in numerous instances the 
production of yells was the very point to be demonstrated, 
the animals exhibited an incorrigible proneness to die 
from the effects of the antesthetic, — ofttimes clandestinely 
in the midst of an operation, which fact would not 
become known till everything was artistically completed, 
when its discovery would draw forth unseemly jubilation 
from the students, and occasion great chagrin to my able 
coadjutor who deemed he was manipulating with a live 
dog and not a dead one. Moreover, Ars longa, vita brevis, 



234 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

— art is long but life is short; — and we were extremely 
unwilling to waste time from researches of value and 
importance to attend to a matter merely sesthetlcal and 
in no wise subsidiary to the success of our experiments. 

My able coadjutor was by no means a cruel or heartless 
man. I have seen him again and again while carefully 
dissecting a dog pause, and, though he always had. a 
great press of business of this kind on his hands, steal a 
moment to pat the patient benignly on the head and say 
to him such kindly words of encouragement as " Poo 
faylow !" and " Nice dug." He would even whistle and 
talk French to him. American animals, indeed, were 
great favorites with him, much above those of Europe ; 
and he always spoke in the highest terms of their noble 
power of endurance under affliction, which enabled them 
to survive a degree of comminution fatal to their trans- 
atlantic brethren. He was in a manner forced to illustrate 
his subject by vivisections, not having sufficient fluency 
in English to present his views with clearness by mere 
verbal statements. At the same time he was one of that 
high order of teachers who assume that the novice can 
know nothing at all till it has been demonstrated to him. 
Hence, when he enunciated that a dog with one ear off 
has but one ear on, he drew forth his scalpel and proved 
it right there by experimentuni crucis, trimming away 
all scraps and fragments with rigid scrupulosity to obviate 
objections on the score of fractions. Or when he stated 
that the gastric juice was sour, it was his wont to enforce 
the assertion by poking his finger into a hole in a dog's 
stomach and tasting it, at the same time passing a tumbler 
containing some of it round amongst the students to afford 
them an opportunity of verifying the statement for them- 
selves. I may mention in this connection that the 
physiology of digestion was one of his special objects of 
study. To facilitate investigations in this department of 
research we always had a number of prepared dogs on 
hand, keeping them in stock, with holes in their stomachs. 
From these apertures my able coadjutor would all day 
long be milking gastric juice, and inserting into them 
pieces of bread and meat, which he would soon rake out 
again to submit to minute examination. Another variety 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIO. 235 

of our stoek-dogs was those whose pharyngeal apparatus 
had been tampered with for the elucidation of the remark- 
able fact that under these conditions the}^ might hollo but 
could not swallow. This variety, likewise, commanded 
the special attention of my al>le coadjutor, and generally 
at lectures one of them would be ushered into the amphi- 
theatre and set upon the sacrificial table with a plate of 
succulent victual before him, v\'hen it would be both 
interestifig and instructive in the highest degree to see 
him ravenously take morsel after morsel into his mouth, 
not one of which for his soul could he get down his 
throat, till his jaws would be fit to split asunder with the 
accumulation; and then it would be no less interesting 
and instructive to hear his long and reiterated howls in 
bitterness and vexation of spirit at the unaccountable 
impotency of his efforts. And here, to show how little 
amenable was my able coadjutor to any charge of 
inhumanity in his proceedings, I need merely observe 
that pitying their inability to take sustenance by the 
natural channel, it was his custom to convert this class of 
martyrs into the order before mentioned by humanely 
cutting a hole into their stomachs, through which he 
nourished them artificially by introducing and raking out 
food in the manner already alluded to. 

In spite of my able coadjutor's tenderness towards his 
subjects, some of them made occasionally but an ill re- 
quital of it. I have seen dogs, the fearfulness and won- 
derfulness of whose make he was demonstrating and 
eulogizing before the class, ungratefully rise up from 
under the knife and bite him. The coons and 'possums 
had at various times demeaned themselves so discredit- 
ably as to breed considerable estrangement between him 
and them ; and the ill-advised conduct of a certain cat so 
embittered him that at last he closed the door of the col- 
lege cellar against the whole race forever. The cat in 
question my able coadjutor was galvanizing, passing a 
current of electricity through her from stem to stern, to 
show, if my memory serves me, that electricity would go 
from stem to stern of a cat — myself holding her tail to 
steady her nerves. In the very crisis of the experiment 
she so far forgot what was expected of her as an exponent 



236 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

of science and what was clue to my able coadjutor as an 
expounder thereof as to pull her tail out of my hands and 
jump upon the very summit of my able coadjutor's 
cranium, where she attempted to sustain herself by her 
claws. As she might have known, had she reflected for 
a moment, her weight was too great to be supported in 
this way. When she found herself slipping down, she put 
forth all her strength to save herself, clawing into every 
available spot on my able coadjutor's visage and striving 
desperateh^ to hang on. Under such a strain as this the 
fragile structure of my able coadjutor's visage gave way 
at every point, and when, losing hei- last hold, she fell to 
the floor, she left it a perfect wreck and ruin behind her, 
completely guttered from top to bottom. It is impossible 
to describe the tumult this scene occasioned in the amphi- 
theatre. The disciples rose as one man and pursued the 
recusant, and, capturing her, held her forcibly to her duty 
till her breath was galvanized out of her body — my able 
coadjutor turning the crank of his engine to the very 
uttermost of his ability. 

A conclusive proof that my able coadjutor in his career 
of slaughter was actuated solely by a thirst for wisdom 
is furnished by the fact that he spared not his own carcass 
in the search for it. One instance will suffice. At one 
time, becoming sorely troubled in mind concerning certain 
points connected with the cutaneous transpiration, or 
sweat, as it is commonly termed, in order to get light 
upon the subject, he bedaubed himself from head to foot 
with water-proof varnish, and sitting down, note-book in 
hand, proceeded to record the phenomena as they arose. 
Among the first things he noted was that he was begin- 
ning to die, and this would also have been the last but 
that some one, accidentally entering his slaughter-pen, 
found him stretched. He was in a desperate fix, for the 
varnish was of the primest quality, made after his own 
receipt, and stuck closer than a brother; and it was only 
by the most assiduous scraping, and rasping, and sand- 
papering that my able coadjutor was saved to publish the 
invaluable results of this admirable experiment. 

To crown and set off his humanity, my able coadjutor 
was distinguished by the possession of the strictest 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 231 

probity and honor, never permitting one of his crop of 
dogs to be diverted from the strictly scientific sphere of 
his duty. It would at times occur that among the addi- 
tions we were constantly making to the menagerie in the 
cellar there would be a dog of birth and breeding — a 
pointer, perhaps — which some student, with a taste for 
the sports of the field, would wish to appropriate to him- 
self by the substitution of another quadruped, as well 
suited to the purposes of science, but of lower degree. 
An application of this purport made to my able coadjutor 
invariably astonished him, such an appropriation of 
another's property being, as he politely but unequivo- 
cally remarked, no less than stealing, while his consent 
to it would be simply a connivance with robbery — a 
crime from which his feelings instinctively revolted; and 
then, with singular acuteness of reasoning, would my 
able coadjutor proceed to show that the taking of a 
man's dog to be anatomized for the good of all mankind, 
so far from being censurable, was made, by the end in 
view, to smack of the highest philanthropy, while to 
purloin him to hunt with for the individual's mere selfish 
gratification was reprehensible to the last degree, consti- 
tuting the purloiner that most despicable of men — a 
dog-thief. 

I have been led unconsciously to say far more con- 
cerning Professor Sequard than I at first intended. 
Nevertheless, I will let it stand, knowing how highly 
prized are reminiscences of great men when from unim- 
peachable sources — and Professor Sequard is truly a 
great man, standing in the foremost rank of living physi- 
ologists. 

Leaving the Grotta del Cane we repaired to Pozzuoli, 
a small decayed town lying comatose upon the shores of 
the bay, redeemed somewhat by the possession of the 
remains of the temple of Jupiter Serapis — a relic which 
is the pride and joy of the geologists. This being disposed 
of, the journey was resumed, and presently we reached 
the foot of a hill, at which the driver commanded us to 
alight, declaring that he could aid us no further, but that 
to get at the top we must shift for ourselves. There was 
a rough and rather long iind wearisome road leading 

21 



23S THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

thither, over which we padded till we came to a gate. 
Entering this, after satisfying the porter, we found our- 
selves in a large and irregularly-shaped, flat-bottomed 
basin, whose sides were formed by a circle of hills. 
This was the Solfatara. It is the crater of a volcano 
which, as far as is certainly known, never indulged in but 
one eruption, and that was between six and seven hun- 
dred years ago, since which time it has comported itself 
with deraureness. Its innate fieriness of spirit, however, 
manifests itself to some extent in one corner, where there 
is a cavern from which come roaring forth great clouds 
of steam mingled with sulphuretted hydrogen and other 
abominable vapors. From this corner are raked masses 
of sulphur beautifully crystallized. In one part of the 
crater we were shown a thrilling experiment. It seems 
clear that the ground here is nothing more than a crust 
of earth covering an awful chasm below", and there is a 
man on the premises who makes his living by raising an 
enormous rock above his head and letting it fall upon the 
crust, in order to elicit the hollow sound natural under 
the circumstances for the entertainment of visitors, who 
remunerate him for tlie Intense gratification such an ex- 
ploit must needs afford. It is a portentous sound that is 
thus brought forth, awaking strange feelings in the au- 
ditor's breast, and causing him to tread with circumspec- 
tion lest he break through. A tolerably deep hole has 
been already worn in the ground by this constant pound- 
ing u[)on it. One of these days, if the man continues at 
it, he will pound clean through, and the spectacle then 
will be truly sublime. We paid him half a franc speedily, 
and being pressed for time left in some haste. 

Among other things to its discredit, it is believed that 
this Solfatara is an aider and abettor of Vesuvius, being 
in communication and sympathy with that truculent old 
mountain, for it has been noticed that when the latter is 
from any cause impeded in the discharge of its venom 
the former falls agrumbling, and the cavern in the corner 
and sundry smoke-holes scattered about it fume much 
more vigorously than common. 

From my inspection of this whole region made on this 
day's excursion, as well as from my subsequent examina- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHY SIC. 239 

tion of the Yesuvian district, I am thoroughly convinced 
that Naples is no place for a man who loves peace and 
quiet and is conservative in feeling to abide at; and in- 
asmuch as I forbore to pay ray addresses to any Havana 
heiress on account of the uncertainty of slave property 
there, so here I felt constrained to withhold my affections 
from any landed Neapolitan signorina on account of the 
ruinous fluctuations to which real estate in this section 
must be exposed. 

Our next stage was to the so-called Grotto of the 
Sibyl, on the way to which we were again ordered to 
alight by the driver — this time out of his kindly regard for 
our necks — while making a very precipitous descent by 
a road on whose smooth stones his horses, after perform- 
ing prodigies of terpsichorean skill, fell for dead and 
required the whole party to set them up again. Before 
reaching this precipice we passed by Monte Nuovo, an- 
other geological curiosity, being a mountain a mile and a 
half in circumference and four hundred and forty feet ia 
height, which was mostly formed in one night. It occu- 
pies the site of a little town which in those days was a 
great resort for invalids, who repaired thither for the 
benefit of its warm springs. During the month of Sep- 
tember, 1538, all this region was pestered with violent 
and constantly-recurring earthquakes, which the inhabit- 
ants bore with the philosophy that is born of familiarity; 
but on the evening of the 29th the invalids in the town 
were completely upset by seeing it split in two. From 
the chasm thus formed there thundered forth for thirty-six 
hours ashes, pumice-stones, and great blocks of lava, in 
quantity sufficient to form this mountain. It continued 
in quiet labor for about a week, with occasional strong 
throes, at the end of which time it was seized with a 
paroxysm of puerperal mania and began to throw stones 
promiscuously about with great fury, knocking several 
persons in the head who had intrusively come there to 
see how the thing was done. This was its expiring 
effort, and it has never rallied since. 

Propping up our prostrate horses, we were enabled to 
proceed, and soon arrived at the Grotto of the Sibyl. It 
derives its appellation from being the reputed residence 



240 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

of her of Cumse, who attended the pious ^neas when he 
adventured down below, — though, in sootli, it is but a 
plain tunnel through a hill, like the Grotto of Posilipo, 
made many centuries since tlie days of the Sibyl as a 
highway to facilitate travel. It is as dark as Egypt and 
the way is very uneven, so that to penetrate it satisfac- 
torily it is necessary to have lights and discreetness. Our 
guide preceded us on foot, bearing the torches, and we 
followed slowly and cautiously in the carriage. I cannot 
say that 1 was overmuch charmed by the trip. The tun- 
uel is a long one, and our way of going through it made 
it seem ten times longer. It is also very low in places, 
with a decidedly shaky look about it, and an occasional 
big chip scraped from the roof by the top of my head 
descending into my lap evoked some awful doubts. It is 
said that the Jaws of Hell, Fauces Orci, are somewhere 
about there, but we did not see them, nor, indeed, any- 
thing else but a few air-shafts pierced through the incum- 
bent hill. Such holes as this offer few attractions to a 
man of my kidney, and it was with pleasure that, after 
being bounced about in the darkness, besprinkled with 
dust and dirt, and kept under the shadow of death for the 
required time, I at last beheld the gate of Hell gleaming 
before me in the shape of the Lake Avernus. 

When I was a good little boy at school, poring over 
the classic poets with the assiduity which betits the stu- 
dent of such inestimable lore, reading about Avernus, 
mayhap with a hope, but certainly with no prospect, of 
one day seeing it, the idea I formed of it was strikingly 
at variance with the scene which now presented itself. 
Instead of a lonely, drear, and noisome pool, lightless and 
lurid among sonil)re forests, 1 beheld a cheerful little 
sheet of water, wliere merrisome wavelets, flashing in the 
sunshine, were dancing pleasantly before the unobstructed 
gaze, while upon its banks common, sociable mortals were 
at work. It is said to be a mile and a half in circumfer- 
ence, but it did not appear to be even so large as that to 
me. The spirit of utilitarianism, which prevailed in the 
era of Augustus as in our own, has dealt a fatal blow 
upon this reverend spot; for Agrippa, son-in-law- of the 
eujperor, and a great advocate of internal improvements 



OF A DOCTOR OF PUT SIC. 241 

of those days, not having tlje fear of the infernal gods 
before his e^^es, conceived the sordid idea of malving the 
lake useful instead of terrible by converting it into a sort 
of naval station. His scheme was to connect Avernus 
with the neighboring Lucrine Lake, — then a well-to-do 
and flourishing body of water, high in the public estima- 
tion for its wealth of oysters, but now a swamp in very 
moderate circumstances, — and through this with the sea, 
so that the two lakes might form a secure harbor for the 
Roman navy. He carried out his plan ruthlessly. He 
cut canals, occasioning a marked shrinkage of Avernus; 
chopped down the Cimmerian woods, by which act the 
venerable miasms were deprived of their time-honored 
abodes, and ruined the place generally. All of his elab- 
orate works have since been reduced to chaos by the 
commotions terminating in the formation of Monte Nuovo, 
which at the same time threw the greater portion of the 
Lucrine overboard into the bay of Baife. Any hope of 
the resuscitation of the poetic glories of Avernus is fu- 
tile, for the thrice-baleful hand of the modern engineer 
is even now upon it. However we classicists may mourn 
over the desecration of the spot, I record as a fact, which 
must be consolatory to some of my readers, that this re- 
nowned outlet from the nether regions now possesses the 
inestimable advantages of railroad communication. The 
construction of this much-needed improvement evinces 
the practical spirit of the age, — though, to prevent disap- 
pointment, it is well for me to add that connection has 
not yet been completed with the ferry-boat; so that for 
the present the use of the road is restricted to the trans- 
portation of stone along the banks. 

We now drove along the shore of the magnificent bay 
of Baise, of which Horace declares that no other in the 
world excels it. In proceeding we saw on the hillsides 
and occasionally under the water the remains of splendid 
structures, which formed part of ancient Baiae itself, and 
presently halted before an antique, cross-roads kind of 
tavern, which forms modern Baise. What a fall is here 1 
Once it was full of people and palaces, for Baise was the 
great watering-place in the palmier days of the Roman 
empire, brimming with Avealth and luxury and dissipa- 

21* 



242 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

tioD, the gigantic antetype of our springs, where the First 
Families resorted, — the old gentlemen to talk politics, and 
the young squirts to eat oysters and get drunk, and to 
which, to quote the mildly-worded statement of the record, 
the ladies came Penelopes, and from which they departed 
Helens. According to all accounts, it must have been a 
dreadful place. It is impossible to imagine any place 
worse, indeed, as the most charitable constructionist must 
at once acknowledge when told that a lawyer was actually 
constrained to apologize to the court for having accepted 
as a client a man who had been there {vide case of Com- 
monwealth vs. Marcus Coelins, — Marcus T. Cicero for 
the defense). It was a favorite place with many of the 
great men of antiquity. Cicero was overfond of it ; and 
CiBsar, Pompey, Sylla, Pomitian, and other persons of 
quality had villas there. So, too, had the exemplary 
Cato of Utica, who was so virtuous that he could not 
abide the sight of a man in his shirt-tail ; and the wise 
and grave Seneca's thunderbolts against it were the re- 
sult of personal observation, if not of experience. The 
monster Nero ofttimes hied thither; but the worst man, 
in my professional opinion, who ever set foot in it was 
Publius JElius Hadrian, — the "Vital spark of heavenly 
flame " man, — a Roman emperor, who starved himself to 
death there, leaving directions for the publication of the 
unheard-of calumny that the doctors had done it. 

Of this gay gathering-place almost all that can now 
be made out are three dilapidated structures, each having 
had originally a circular chamber and a vaulted roof, in 
two of which these peculiarities are still well preserved. 
These structures are called temples and are assigned to 
Venus, Mercury, and actually to Diana; but there are 
evidences about them by which they are identified as 
being in reality connected with baths, probably appurte- 
nances of the luxurious villas that once stood here. 

While we were standing in oneof the chambers solemnly 
ruminating upon its departed glories, suddenly there 
burst upon us in one terrible irruption all the women in 
the neighborhood, bearing in their hands lutes and tim- 
brels, or, as we denominate such instruments in our coun- 
try, banjoes and tambourines. Instantly, with a great 



OF A DOCTOR OF FIIYSIC. 243 

whoop, they surrounded us and let fly their music, aecom- 
pan^'ing it with huge squalls of vocal melody and stu- 
pendous drawings-in and strikings-out by way of dancing, 
— the racket being intensified a hundredfold by the bel- 
lowings and rebellowings arising from the catacoustic 
properties of the hollow roof. We were given to under- 
stand that they were doing the Tarentella, the national 
dance, which essays to represent the gyrations of those 
who have lost their wits by the bite of the tarantula while 
undergoing medical treatment, music being the approved 
remedy in such cases for the restoration of their senses ; 
and truly the performance was just what we might rea- 
sonably expect from lunatics at a crisis, being executed as 
they would do the can-can in Bedlam. Knowing that 
such an exhibition as this could not possibly be afforded 
gratis, and, not desiring it at any price, we broke through 
the lines and fled. With an awful crash of lute and tim- 
brel, the tarentellians made after us, but we escaped, all 
except our Irish companion, who, being a gentleman of a 
sedate port and carriage, declined to break into a gallop 
with the rest of us ; and on looking back we saw him 
completely environed. But he was stricken in years as 
well as sedate, and so had come to lose that regard for 
the sex which is so marked a feature in the character of 
his countrymen; therefore he simply stuck up his nose 
at an angle of forty-five with the perpendicular, and 
recklessly and heedlessly penetrated the cohort of fair 
mendicants. 

We retreated into the cross-roads tavern of the place, 
and proceeded to refresh ourselves. The landlord fur- 
nished us with a very nice collation. Among the items 
were the illustrious oysters of these waters These 
oysters, so bepraised by the sages of antiquity, certainly 
greatly excel ours in delicacy — of proportions ; being 
about one-tenth the size of a good fat Virginia oyster. 
Their shells are thin and smooth with a fine play of rain- 
bow-hues on the inside, and the meat is decidedly palat 
able, and, when dressed with vinegar, has an agreeable 
relish of verdigris. If their present small dimensions 
and great price be not tlie result of modern degeneracy, 
it was a serious matter to indulge in an oyster-supper in 



244 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

the olden time. We also had excellent Bologna sausage, 
made, if I apprehend aright, at the Grotta del Cane ; 
while to wash the solids down we were served with a 
bottle of wine, — none of your old, stale stuff that has been 
kept on hand for months or perhaps years, as we some- 
times find it, but new and fresh from the vine. Its 
greatest recommendation, however, was that it was the 
classic Falernian, — so we were positively assured by the 
landlord, and as none of our party were sufficiently skilled 
in Falernian to advance an opinion of our own, we of 
course were not guilty of the presumptuous folly of dis- 
believing him. It will please my countrymen who delight 
in the lyrics of Horace to know that they can obtain an 
e.xact conception of the true Falernian by swigging a can 
of new cider. 

When our repast was all eaten up, we went out-of- 
doors and sat on a log to digest it, where we gave audi- 
ence to all the boys and girls of Baite, who waited upon 
us with petitions for small change. While this business 
was still unfinished, we arose and got us back into our 
carriage, returning to Naples along the seashore, after 
having spent a remarkably interesting day. 



CHABTER XIX. 

Containing the Ciiaracter of Pliny the Elder, and an Account of the 
City of Pompeii, Past and Present. 

About twelve miles from Naples lies the silent and 
solemn city of Bompeii. It presents one of the most 
impressive scenes to be witnessed in all the world, in- 
spiring strange and almost awful emotions in the mind of 
the traveler wandering among its solitudes. To describe 
it topographically is sufficiently easy, but to body forth 
in apt and fitting language the thoughts that the theme 
suggests is altogetlier impossible. As for me, I shall not 
even attempt it, but in dealing with the subject confine 
myself to my usual poor, plain style, eschewing erudition 



OF A DOCTOR OF FIITSIC. 245 

and sentimentality, and sticliing to simple matter of fact 
as much as In me lies. 

Pompeii was overwhelmed on j4ugust 24, a.d. 'TS, by 
showers of ashes accompanying an eruption of Mount 
Vesuvius, which occurred at that time. Sixteen years 
before it came near going down under the operation of 
an earthquake which engulfed six hundred sheep and 
ran several citizens crazy, — as Seneca circumstantially 
records. The eruption which finally destroyed it is mi- 
nutely described by Pliny the Younger, who saw it. His 
uncle, old Pliny, also saw it; and I may be doing a ser- 
vice to some of my readers who have an itching for 
looking into things by recalling to their minds what he 
saw, how he saw it, and what came of his seeing it. 

This old man was an extraordinary person. He rose 
before other people went to bed, and himself frequently 
never went to bed at all. When he took his meals, instead 
of eating he read ; and when he took his bath, instead of 
washing himself he read also. AVhen he was so broken 
down that he could no longer hold his book before his 
eyes, he made somebody read to him. It made no difier- 
ence to him what the book was, for it was a maxim of 
his that no book can be so bad as not to have some good 
in it. When he was not reading he was writing, and 
when his fingers became so cramped that they refused to 
wriggle, he ordered up an amanuensis. He never went 
out of the house without his note-book, and took down 
every bird, beast, and fish, stratum of brick-bats, ash- 
formation, and bilge-water current that he set eyes on. 
What it was impossible for him to find out by his indi- 
vidual researches he got from anybody that he thought 
ought to know, and hence consulted much with the 
country-peoi)le and sea-faring men, whose accounts of 
natural phenomena he carefully recorded. By proceeding 
in this manner he accumulated an awful amount of ines- 
timable facts, coming at last to be steeped to the very e3^e- 
brows in wisdom, and knowing more or less of everything. 

One day while on duty with the Roman fleet at Mise- 
num — for he was a great office-holder as well as man of 
science — he espied a good-sized cloud of vapor shaped 
like a pine-tree issuing from some mountain on shore. A 



246 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

common man in sucli a neighborhood seeing such a sight 
would have jumped at the conclusion that it portended a 
dangerous outbreak of Vesuvius and run away. Not so 
this uncommon man. Nothing short of close and minute 
ocular inspection could satisfy the rigid requirements of 
his practical mind. This thing nmst he looked into, said 
he ; and gathering up liis note-book he ordered a vessel 
to take him on the expedition. Ilis nephew, young Pliny, 
was at that time a student of his, and the old man wish- 
ing to aiford him every opportunity of improving himself 
in knowledge, kindly invited him to go along. This 
youth subsequently became extremely erudite himself, 
and even at this early age showed that he was rather 
wiser than his uncle, for on the present occasion he de- 
clined the offer with thanks, — ingeniously alleging that he 
wished to do some studying, — a plea than which none upon 
earth could have been more satisfactory to the old man. 
Pliny the Elder accordingly put off alone, courageously 
poking about in places into which his crew begged bins 
for Heaven's sake not to venture. But like any man of 
supereminent talent he had a proper contempt of these 
illiterate ignoramuses, and heartily despising their fears 
pushed along till he reached a point where even his strong 
and Siippy head began to crack and bake under the hot 
ashes and big rocks that came down upon it by the cart- 
load. And now for a moment he had a mind to shut up 
his note-book and go back, especially as the land seemed 
to be turning inside out and the sea to be flowing away, 
and probably he would have done so had not the unlet- 
tered ass of a pilot strenuously urged it upon him. As 
it was, however, the intrepid old philosopher concluded 
to make the best of his way to the house of Pomponianus, 
a friend of his residing at StabiaB. " Fortune favors the 
brave," screamed he, though the event proved him to 
have been something too credulous in this aphorism, for 
be was suffocated that self-same night. 

He appears to have maintained his philosophical equa- 
nimity to the last, for on reaching Pomponianus's prem- 
ises he very coolly lay down and went fast asleep, which 
no one else dared to do, and was getting very comforta- 
bly blocked in and buried alive by the stones which were 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 241 

constantly falling around the entrance to his chamber, 
when his friends ventured to wake him up. A crisis 
being thought to have now arrived, a council of war was 
held to determine what was best to be done, old Pliny 
assisting. It was resolved to take to the fields — a reso- 
lution which, says Pliny the Younger point-blank, the 
council was scared into — " except my uncle," says he, 
" who embraced it upon cool and deliberate consider- 
ation." And here his uncle was peremptorily obliged by 
the force of circumstances to sacrifice somewhat of the 
dignity of mien characteristic of the sage, for he had to 
surmount his head with a pillow tied thereupon to save 
it from being staved in by the descending stones. Thus 
arrayed he proceeded with the rest to the seashore, where 
he lay down again — being, it should seem, in these stirring 
times, most remarkably sleepy for a man commonly so 
wide awake. A great burst of sulphurous vapor com- 
pelled him to rise immediately, and at that moment he 
died. So ended Pliny the Eider — a martyr to science, 
say we men — a victim to curiosity, will sa}^ the women. 

Pliny the Younger, the discreet, despite his sagacious 
prudence became entangled in the eruption after all, — 
and was monstrously Hustered thereby. He has be- 
queathed to us a graphic description of his tribulations 
on the occasion. 

Pompeii was a fussy, third-rate town, eternally in a 
row and forever at law. Especially were there innumer- 
able squabbles between the citizens and the military sta- 
tioned there; and on one occasion a regular knock-down- 
and-drag-out fight occurred at the circus, in which they 
effectually fanned out certain windy fellows from Nuceria 
— another fussy little town hard by. Of course, with such 
worthies, this fight led to a lawsuit. The Pompeians 
lost their case and were sentenced very severely, — no 
less, indeed, than by the forfeiture of their right to go 
to the circus for ten years. It was while waiting to 
have their disabilities removed that the earthquake hap- 
pened that killed the sheep. It was a walled city. The 
walls, which were surmounted by towers, were very thick 
and substantial, and have been ascertained to be about 
two miles in extent, inclosing an area estimated to con- 



248 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

tain a hundred and sixt}^ acres. In spite of its boister- 
ousness it must have had peculiar attractions as a resi- 
dence, for we know that it was a favorite rusticatin2:-p]ace 
with many of the ancient dignitaries. In one respect it 
must have been the most delightfully unique of all 
towns, — for there were no poor trash in it — so we infer, 
at least, from the fact that all the houses yet unearthed 
manifestly belonged to well-to-do people. There is some 
ground, too, for surmising that there were no sick folks 
there, else we ought to find their skeletons lying around — 
unless, indeed, we suppose they were miraculously healed 
by the stress of circumstances surrounding them, as I have 
known rheumatics and paralytics to be by the house provi- 
dentially catching fire. What a place was this to live in ! 
nobody bedridden, and with no poor kin. Alas, that this 
paragon of cities should have been blotted from the earth ! 
it appears to be established by the small number of 
skeletons discovered that almost all of the inhabitants of 
Pompeii were able to save themselves; and, though their 
contemporary neighbors niay reasonably have lamented 
that such a fractious and impracticable set should have 
been turned loose to leaven other communities, few of the 
present generation have attained to that lofty pitch of 
righteousness which entitles them to carp at the circum- 
stance. When things had become settled again, some of 
the people returned and started a new town on top of the 
old one, but the eruption of Vesuvius, which occurred in 
472, destroyed this also. No attempt was made to 
resuscitate it after this, and in process of time the very 
site of Tompeii was forgotten. It is true that the wall 
of the great theatre stuck out prominently above ground 
to keep the place in remembrance, but the country is so 
full of ruins that nobody bothers his head about any par- 
ticular one. It is also true that Fontana, the engineer, 
running a subterranean aqueduct in 1592 went plumb 
through the town, knocking down the buildings and col- 
umns that stood in his way ; but he was a man of business, 
who went straight along without troubling himself with 
extraneous speculations. Thus it was till 1748, when a 
n)an in digging a well chanced to break through into a 
chamber containing such an array of statues and curious 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 249 

objects that it was impossible to ignore the place any 
longer. Cupidity as well as curiosity being now excited, 
excavations were begun and have been prosecuted to the 
present time. The work does not pay very well, however, 
pecuniarily, and hence has been carried on in a miserably 
desultory manner — sometimes for a month or two, some- 
times for a day or two, but more frequently for no time 
at all. So far, one hundred and twenty-two years from 
its discovery, about two-fifths of the city has been dug 
out ; and taking this as the basis of calculation and 
estimating one-horse power as thirty-three thousand 
pounds raised one foot in a minute, and an Italian power 
as one hundred and fifty pounds falling fiat on the grass 
in an instant, I find, unless I have inadvertently omitted 
some essential element in the figuration, that the entire 
city will be uncovered one of these days. As long as 
Victor Emmanuel lasts tolerably steady progress may be 
expected, for he is a sovereign of liberal and enlightened 
views in these matters, being in marked contrast with 
the Bourbon dynasty that preceded him. 

We were lucky enough to secure a pleasant, sunshiny 
day for our visit to Pompeii. The railroad to Salerno 
passes close to the buried city, and it was by this route 
that we went to it, — though many persons for unknown 
reasons prefer to drive there through dust and ashes in a 
carriage. As we knew we should have to do a great deal 
of walking, and were doubtful about the hotel accommo- 
dations thereabouts, we took the precaution to provide 
ourselves with lunch, which we carried in a bottle. The 
trip occupied about an hour, leading us for most of the 
way along the pleasant shores of the bay and through 
many suburban towns and villages. Pompeii is not ex- 
hibited gratis, but has a ticket-office at the entrance, the 
price of admission being forty cents — children half price. 
As fast as the patrons procure their tickets they are col- 
lected into parties of five or six and handed over to a 
guide, of whom there are thirty employed b}^ the govern- 
ment, and who — Ijlessings on the government therefor ! — 
are obliged to do their duty and get nothing for it, being 
turned out of office if they accept of any recompense 
from visitors. At the outset we were hopelessly cast 

2-2 



250 TII[<: BOOK OF TRAVELS 

down by being assigned to a guide who spoke only 
Italian, but by a dexterous manceuvre we were after 
awhile so fortunate as to transship ourselves to the care of 
another one more gifted in tongues. Said this able archae- 
ologist to us on coming under his wing, " I speak any- 
ting here — Ruman in Rum, and in Napelis I speak Maca- 
roni." At this merry conceit he opened his ponderous and 
marvelous jaws and grinned from ear to ear, and we our- 
selves cracked an audible smile, — as we did forty times over 
again during the day, at the least ; for it was the most 
valued observation in all his repertoire of good things, 
which he repeated at every opportunity, and as he was a 
clever fellow we felt it incumbent ui)on us to laugh every 
time. The party we were now thrown with consisted of 
a family of ladies and gentlemen from Sweden, and they 
bothered us amazingly, for they were very perverse and 
liard-headed, and there was no bond of union between 
us — especially not between us and the ladies, to whom 
we were obliged to defer by virtue of their sex; where- 
fore, I make bold to declare that, in my humble judgment, 
with all reverence for my female fellow-creatures, they are 
mighty poor company on a sentimental journey. 

There is almost nothing to indicate the presence of 
the city till the gate is entered, when it bursts suddenly 
upon the view in an extended and startling vista. The 
first glimpse I obtained of it reminded me irresistibly of 
the "burnt district" at Richmond after the evacuation, 
to which its roofless houses and bare walls gave it a 
striking resemblance, the most noticeable difference being 
the absence of rubbish. It has a very lonely, solemn, and 
awe-insi)iring look about it, which is not materially dis- 
sipated by the sight of the groups of visitors wandering 
amid the ruins, or a horse and cart slowly bearing away 
a load of excavated dirt. An imaginative person might 
here easily convert himself into a profound moralist or 
else a melancholy loon by sitting oft' in a corner and 
giving rein to thought. 

Our guide gallantly relieved the ladies of a great stock 
of surplus dry-goods, — at the same time by his courteous 
anxiety to see ourselves unencundjered, forcing us to 
permit him to carry our bottle of lunch, — and led us on. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIYSW, 251 

The city has been pretty thorou,2,-h]y sacked by the powers 
in authority over it, almost everything movable having 
been taken away, and it was a remark of incessant 
iteration with the guide, as we entered the houses, that 
here used to be such a thing but that it was now in the 
Museum at Napelis. It was laid out with considerable 
regularity, the streets generally crossing at right angles, 
though most of them are very narrow, not exceeding 
eleven feet in width. They are paved with blocks of lava, 
and it is a striking sight to note how this has been cut 
into by carriage wheels, some of the ruts being astonish- 
ingly deep. Frequently they are provided with high- 
pitched stepping-stones leading across them to keep the 
feet of dainty pedestrians out of the mud in rainy weather. 
Every now and then we meet with a well surrounded 
with a stone curb, on which are plainly to be seen the 
chafings made by the ropes in drawing up buckets. 
There are also specimens of a sort of town-pump, consist- 
ing of a stone basin on the side of which is sculptured a 
face, from whose mouth, in the times when the water- 
works were in repair, issued a stream of the blessed 
element. Ah, me ! how many jolly old souls of Pompeii 
after an all-night frolic have cooled their overheated 
coppers at these fountains ! They have actually rubbed 
and burnt away goodly segments of the cheeks of these 
stone faces by the pressure of their glowing gills. 

The houses of Pompeii were for the most part of small 
size and not more than two stories high. What windows 
they had were monopolized by the rooms on the upper 
floors, and some of them boasted the luxury of panes of 
glass. Wherever the area of the premises was sufficiently 
spacious to allow it, an inner court was included in the 
architectural plan, and around this were ranged the 
various apartments for the use of the family. In the 
decoration of the rooms mosaic work entered abundantly. 
Paintings, too, were much affected, many of which are 
still to be seen looking very fresh, though the subjects 
are frequently of a kind that would hardly be selected to 
adorn the parlors of our highly delicate age and country. 

The citizens of Pompeii were largely employed in 
keeping shop. Some of the first people of the place, the 



252 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

upper ten themselves, were implicated in this vulgar 
mode of g-etting a living. And they were not ashamed 
of it, as appears from the fact that their palatial residences 
and their grimy shops were under the same roof; and 
they were not above soliciting a share of the patronage 
of the public by written notices tantamount to " Best 
Superfine Flour," " No. 1 Tar," " Family Groceries cheap 
for Cash," "Lime & Hay for sale here," etc. From the 
evidences they have left behind, it seems that their modes 
of doing business were pretty much like those in vogue 
with us, and many of their callings were such as are still 
assiduously pursued. Among the establishments have 
been clearly identified bakehouses, blacksmith- shops, 
soap-factories, doctors' offices, taverns, and numerous 
others, including, of course, bar-rooms, and some places 
much worse. Over the doors of some of these were 
inscribed the names of the proprietors, though many 
were furnished with signs more comprehensible to the 
great bulk of the community. Thus, the academ}^ where 
was taught the manly art of self-defense was designated 
by a representation of two men waging battle ; and 
Professor Somebody's Classical and Collegiate Institute 
was pleasantly made known to the Pompeian youth by a 
hieroglyph showing the Professor in the act of the 
endermic application of knowledge to one young gentle- 
man horsed on another young gentleman's back. Certain 
institutions which amongst us flourish the best the less 
they are known, sticking to the symbolical system, 
announced themselves with such naked protrusiveness 
that to accommodate modern ideas it has been found 
necessary to take down the signs, — though some still 
remain and can be seen on the streets, being cut in the 
stone of the pavements. 

The worthy shopkeepers of Pompeii were annoyed 
with some of those petty encroachments upon their com- 
fort which so rile ours at the present day. Occasionally 
we behold a house whose wall is made terrible by the 
depicture of a pair of tremendous snakes overlapping one 
another. This was intended as a direful warning to 
whom it might concern to commit no nuisance there. 
And at one place this plain, pertinent, and impertinent 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIO. 253 

notice to g-entleraen of leisure is stuck up, — " No place 
for loungers: clear out, loafer!" (Otiosis locus hie non 
est, discede morator.) 

There is not a spot in Pompeii but what possesses a 
share of interest for the visitor. A detailed account of 
everything to be seen would, however, weary th'e reader, 
and I shall, therefore, mention only a iew of the more 
striking objects. It would require many visits to give 
the city such an examination as it deserves. We were 
there several hours and saw but a portion of it, and much 
of that, owing to the discordant elements in our party, 
very cursorily. The Forum was the first place of 
prominence we were taken to. It is a spacious quad- 
rangle adorned with numerous columns and with pedes- 
tals for statues, and is surrounded by temples and public 
buildings for various purposes. Its most interesting 
features are those that indicate the sudden knocking-off 
from work of the stone-cutters, who at the time of the 
eruption were engaged in repairing and improving it. 
We see this in the unfinished columns and the rough 
blocks of marble lying about, which are just as they were 
left by the artisans v/hen they put up their tools eighteen 
hundred years ago, expecting, doubtless, the gods willing, 
to recommence work in a week or two, at the furthest. 

Leaving the Forum we visited a multitude of houses, 
including those of such dignitaries of the city as Cains 
Sallust and Marcus Lucretius, many of them still giving 
ample evidence that their proprietors were persons of 
taste and means. In the prosecution of these inquiries, 
while moving along one of the streets, all at once the 
guide beguiled the party into a little dungeon of a room 
with nothing in it, and then called the gentlemen out, one 
by one, ordering each man forth with as much precision 
as if he were detailing us to be shot, while the attempt 
of the ladies to follow was summarily and unceremo- 
niously squelched. Wondering greatly at this proceed- 
ing, we saw him draw forth a key and unlock the door 
of an adjoining house, into which he commanded us to 
enter. Merciful Diana! what place was this? The pic- 
tures on the walls answered the question quick as a flash. 
It was no place for such decent and virtuous gentlemen 

22* 



254 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

as we were to be in, and, accordingly, after examining 
every nook and corner thoroughly, we instantly with- 
drew. It was a very small and incommodious apartment, 
having an awfully hard stone bed and pillow on one side. 
This, too, was apparently no place for loafers ; for at the 
foot of the steps leading np-stairs was erected a sort of 
pulpit, in which, I opine, the boss-lady sat, and admitted 
no one till he had paid for his ticket. If this surmise is 
correct, we did some things better in Pompeii than, as I 
understand, we do them here. Blushing with conscious 
innocence, we rejoined the ladies and went ahead. 

Two theatres have been dug up at Pompeii, showing 
that the drama was appreciated there. The citizens also 
had the benefit of the elevating influences of gladiatorial 
and wild-ljcast combats, being provided with an amphi- 
theatre capable of seating ten thousand persons. They 
were refreshing themselves with an exhibition at this 
place when the eruption broke out; and it is owing to 
this circumstance, indeed, that so few of them perished ; 
for all hands being assembled at this comparatively dis- 
tant spot, and finding it impossible to return to their 
homes, they had simply to all run away together, with 
the advantages of nothing to encumber them and plenty 
of elbow-room. Let this fact be duly noted to the credit 
of the much-abused sports of the arena. I have heard 
good people, logical and sagacious thinkers, when de- 
nouncing the practice of dancing, declare that they re- 
quired no other proof of its awful wickedness than that 
Ilerodias danced John the Baptist's head off. Can they 
possibly shut their eyes to the saving efficacy of a dog- 
tigjjt when they see that on one occasion a some\vhat 
similar performance was the means of preserving ten 
thousand lives ? 

The Pompeians were blessed with baths excelling 
those that any modern city can boast. They also enjoyed 
the privilege of a good court-house and secure jail, and a 
branch of that odious institution, the custom-house, was 
estal)lishe4 in their midst. Such satisfaction as can be 
deriv,e,d from the presence of soldiers was likewise vouch- 
safed them. I have already made a slight reference to 
the |j.eliig,erent relatipns subsisting between the citizens 



OF A DOCTOR OF PnYSIC. 255 

and their defenders. In the destruction of the city, the 
military sutfered heavily, no less than sixty-three skele- 
tons having- been discovered in their barracks. Had these 
been Confederate troops, I am prepared to prove that the 
whole detachment would have got off without the loss of 
a man — such is the superiority of our system. But, unlike 
our independent-spirited veterans, a Roman warrior when 
assigned to a post subordinated his ideas of what ought 
to be done to those of his commander, and so there he 
stuck, through thick and thin, till further orders. 

We finished our inspection of Pompeii at the suburban 
villa which has been assigned to Diomedes for the incon- 
sequential reason that the family burying-ground of this 
individual happens to be across the street from it. It is 
but a short distance without the city, cheerfully situated 
in the midst of a graveyard, where tombs line both sides 
of the highway, and, barring the undesirable company 
of the defuncts, must have been a delightful spot for 
rustication. It had all the modern improvements of those 
days, and commanded a view of the bay as well as the 
tombstones, and was just the place which a man fond of 
ruralizing-, and who was not to be intimidated by ghosts, 
would like to see in the possession of his particular 
friend. It had a cellar containing good store of wine. 
In tills cellar were found the skeletons of eighteen per- 
sons, who, it is presumed from the gold ornaments upon 
their necks and arms, were nearly all females. Amongst 
them were two children, upon whose skulls when dis- 
covered there was still some hair. We saw upon the wall 
the imprint of the bodies of some of these poor creatures 
where they had cowered against it in their last agony. 

One day the workmen, while excavating in the city, 
happened to strike their implements through into a hollow 
space in the midst of the ashes. Sig. Fiorelli, the super- 
visor of the works, surmising that this cavity was the 
mould of a human body left by the decay of the flesh, 
was led to the ingenious expedient of filling it with liquid 
plaster of Paris. His surmise proved to be correct, and 
the result was that he in this way secured casts of four 
bodies. These are kept at Pompeii and form the strangest 
and most impressive sights there. The plaster has copied 



256 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

all the peculiarities of the originals very faithfully — their 
features, their clothing, the rings on their fingers, every- 
thing. The bones are incased in the plaster, portions of 
them being visible where they have failed to be covered 
by it. One of these unfortunates was a man, two were 
women, and one a girl about fifteen years of age. The 
girl and one of the women were found very near to each 
other, and are supposed to have been a mother and 
daughter. The casts of the females have a swollen ap- 
pearance, the consequence of the distention of the bodies 
by gases evolved in decomposition occurring while the 
ashes around them were still wet and yielding. In their 
despair the women had put their hands before their e^^es 
to shut out the horrid vision of death ; but the man, it 
seems, faced it courageously, for he was found lying upon 
his back, though the marks of contortion about him would 
indicate that he died in convulsions. The cavities corre- 
sponding to the bodies were not on the level of the street, 
but nearly fifteen feet above it, whence it is inferred that 
these persons had remained in the house till the matters 
ejected by the volcano had obtained a considerable depth 
Avhen they issued from the upper windows and tried to 
escape, but were overwhelmed by the showers of ashes 
and water, which, mingling into a semi-fluid mass, formed 
a mould around them. 

In consequence of having to do a vast deal of tramping 
hither and thither to make our observations, it at length 
fell out that our flesh failed us, and we would fain have 
recruited it with a morsel or so of lunch. But, wo was 
us ! on applying for it to our bottle-holder, the guide, to 
our dismay we found he had drunk it all up. We had at 
the first, thinking him a man of frugal taste, given him 
authority to refresh himself with it when so minded, 
and, forsooth, had been measurably tickled at noting how 
deftly he could stand with his abdomen confronting his 
auditors, and, crooking his face full to the rear, contrive 
to take in his drink and give out his elucidations simul- 
taneously, after which he would stop the vent of the 
bottle with his thumb, having lost the cork — purposely, I 
liave time and again imagined — at the very beginning. It 
was with considerable chagrin at our lack of the faculty 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 257 

of judgment that we realizpcl how egreg-iously we had 
niiscalculaled his sucking power. By some mysterious 
means his brother guides got information that we had 
opened a temporary barroom in the old city (but not 
till all the liquor was gone), in consequence of which we 
beheld them at every corner, dodging, and winking, and 
blinking in a fashion that spoke volumes for the dispirit- 
ing character of the place. In our difficulty we betook 
ourselves to the Hotel Diomede, th6 modern hotel of the 
town, where we procured a very satisfactory repast, 
being entertained meanwhile by an exceeding strange- 
looking guitarist, withal a desperate poor player, of 
wliose strains we could obtain no surcease even by 
threatening to cast a loaf of bread at his instrument. 



CHAPTER XX. 



How we journeyed to the Eternal City, and of our Besetments and Con- 
tentions and Strivings by the Way, and how hard it was to make good 
our Lodgment therein. 

Of the climate of Naples I shall briefly remark that as 
far as I became conversant with it there is nothing com- 
mendable about it. Indeed, all that its best friends have 
ventured to offer in its behalf is that it is not quite as bad 
as the malevolent have represented it. The weather was 
either rainy or cloudy, and frequently very chilly and 
disheartening, for most of the time we were there, and it 
had been the same, we were told, for weeks before. The 
hotel had fireplaces as a fundamental feature in its con- 
struction, with andirons ready set for an emergency, — a 
bad sign, indicating that cold was felt and feared there, 
and which shows the invalid he has not entirely evaded 
the rigors of winter by going thither. We consumed 
many baskets of wood during our sojourn, not one chip 
of which escaped record in the bill, where they made a 
most ghastly item, for wood is an intensely precious com- 
modity in these hlaae countries. As the result of my 



2 58 1'IIE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

experience, I recommend the consumptive especially to 
tarry but a little while in sunny Italy in the winter 
season. 

llavnuir completed our allotted period in Naples, we 
embarked for Rome. We went to the railroad station 
early, finished up the harassing details connected with 
the bag-gage, and broke into the train while it was yet 
moving itself into position at the platform, — for both of 
us being incorrigible expectorators, my companion on 
account of his cough, and myself by reason of tobacco- 
chewing, we earnestly desired to procure places in the 
coach near the windows, where we could indulge our 
vices in ease and comfort, and were willing to risk our 
legs and necks in order to do it. We succeeded perfectly 
in our object, no one competing with us, and were sitting 
praying for the train to speed away when a superemi- 
nently hard-favored, bald-headed, paunchy little man, 
astonishingly self-asserting and consequential, walked 
into the coach, and taking off his hat and putting his 
foot down firmly, proceeded to deliver an address to us. 
He seemed to plume himself most of all on his bald head, 
which was rugose and dinted as well as hairless, looking 
as if it had been soaked in a lime-vat ; while to magnify 
his importance yet more, he had enveloped himself in a 
big, long, invisible-visible black-green coat, reaching al- 
most to his heels, deposited a pair of spectacles with 
seven-by-nine glasses before his eyes, and turned out a 
woolly, manure-colored beard. To this imposing figure 
we listened with all the respect and consideration which 
utterances from such a source must inevitably command. 
We thought the little man asked us to get out and give 
way to his party of friends, eight in number, just a com- 
partment full, who wanted to journey social)ly all together 
to Rome ; but we were miserably deficient in languages, 
and do what we might could not possibly understand him 
well enough to appreciate the reasons he suggested why 
we should leave the coach and hunt up new places to 
accommodate his friends. He lavished a vast amount of 
majesty of mien and argumentum ad hominem upon us to 
enable us to see the point, but we couldn't see it. Per- 
ceiving that we were dull of comprehension, he proceeded 



OF A DOCTOR OF FIIYSIC. 259 

to elucidate his meaning by practical demonstrations, 
setting about removing our carpet-bags from their recep- 
tacles. Unfortunately we misconstrued this, regarding it 
as an invasion of our rights, and thereupon we put our- 
selves in a posture of defense, with a dash of oliense in 
the posture. At this piece of effrontery on our part he 
grew amazed. He appeared to think we were demented, 
and shutting out from our gaze the splendors of his glo- 
rious old punkin of a cranium under his hat, and puff- 
ing out his invisible-visible black-green coat till all its 
wrinkles were obliterated by the accumulation of his 
dignity, he stalked out of the coach. 

The party was duly informed, no doubt, of our indis- 
position to be awed out of the coach, for presently an- 
other gentleman, whose method was the Huamter in modo, 
entered and addressed us. He was a most soft and sweet- 
spoken gentleman, and, moreover, knew a word of Eng- 
lish — the word he knew being " ladies." This one Eng- 
lish word he used copiously, to give pith and point to the 
body of his argument in Italian, his aim being to make 
us comprehend that we would be obliging the fair sex by 
turning ourselves adrift with our carpet-bags to agonize 
for new quarters. Now, inasmuch as my companion was 
married and I am absolutely free from any hopes of such 
a condition, it will not seem strange that we could under- 
stand him no better than his stupendous little predeces- 
sor. The ultimate result of the whole negotiation was 
that the party was sundered into fragments, each indi- 
vidual having to take his or her chances, — as, alas ! too 
frecpiently happens in traveling tlu'ough this vale of tears. 
Five of them packed themselves in with us, one of tlieni 
a lady, and along with them came the redoubtable fugle- 
man, head, specs, beard, coat, and all, — and counting him 
as two people, our coach now had its full complement. 
They turned up their noses at us and we turned up our 
mouths at them, and in these harmonious rehitions to- 
wards each other we set out for an all-day journey 
together. 

In this country of Italy the railroad people are not such 
bigoted adherents to the schedule as we find them in ours. 
Ou the present occasion we started full half an hour after 



260 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

the appointed time. I'bey, however, interfere most un- 
reasonably with the liberty of the subject. Under our 
free institutions a man traveling on a railroad has a per- 
fect rig'ht to drop down between the cars, get run over, 
or get left, and no one ever thiidvs of molesting or hinder- 
ing him in the accomplishment of these things ; but in 
Italy and other despotic countries of Europe you are 
bolted in your coach and not permitted to issue forth 
even when the train stops, except it be at such places as 
the officials in their wisdom have allotted A cordon of 
the functionaries are around you all the time, watching 
your every movement. You could not get yourself left 
behind or massacred even with malice aforethought, and 
if, asserting your manhood, you burst out, the hue-and- 
cry is raised instantly, and you are hustled back per- 
emptorily. 

We passed continually in sight of the Apennines, many 
of whose peaks were clad with snow. The country 
through which we journeyed was most of it fertile and 
well cultivated, and with a frequent succession of small 
towns. As we proceeded, the animosity existing between 
us and our traveling companions gradually died out, and 
in time we became as sociable as people unable to com- 
municate with each other can well be — always excepting 
the important liitle man. He sat to himself, or when he 
moved about moved in a circle of his own. He kept his 
hat off the whole time to give the grisly glories of his 
head full scope, and seemed to have an abiding assurance 
that we would be petrified presently. At every station 
the original proposition to leave the coach was renewed 
to us, and in every case as at first was declined from lack 
of comprehension. In process of time we attained the 
limits of Victor Emmanuel's dominions, and here we were 
stopped to have our passports examined. King Victor 
seems to fash his brains more about people who are 
quitting his territories than about those who are coming 
into them. When we entered Naples, passports were 
not mentioned to us once. Thrown off my guard by this 
show of liberality, I had contemptuously slung my cursed 
document into my trunk among pieces of old bricks, 
ruins of temples, and other trash, and there it was now 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 261 

at this critical juncture, irrecoverably locked up in the 
bag-gage-car. It is no joke to be without a passport in a 
country whose government is so assinine as to require 
you to have one ; and as the inspector came nearer and 
nearer to our coach I poked my head out of the window 
to see what sort of a place this was as a temporary resi- 
dence. But the inspector was a worthy old superficial 
incompetent soul, who examined our papers in a lump, 
so that I was able by judicious dodging and superabun- 
dant fussiness to satisfy him that he had seen mine as 
plain as a pikestaff. 

I was quite delighted when we got away from this ill- 
boding place, and was still sniggering most complacently 
over the clever manner in which I had deluded the old 
gump, when the train stopped again. An investigation 
into the reason of this caused my mouth suddenly to 
pucker in the reverse direction. We had now come 
within the jurisdiction of the Woman of Bab3'lon, so 
called, and before going farther must submit to another 
inspection of passports, and endure an examination of 
baggage in addition. A functionary of the Woman's 
aforesaid, most formidable in mien by reason that he was 
surmoimted by a cocked hat and was incased in buttons 
and belts and other military toggery from top to toe, 
came to our coach. Every one showed his papers but 
me. There was no hoodwinking this lynx-eyed inquis- 
itor. "Monsieur," said he to me, " passy porter." 
"Monsieur," returned I, "I haven't got it," — simulta- 
neously adjusting myself to that state of easy repose 
which marks the man conscious of rectitude when ap- 
pearances are against him. The functionary was a 
miserabl}^ poor physiognomist, and misinterpreted my 
composed aspect to mean an insolent braving of his 
authority, and, accordingly, waxed very hot on the spot. 
"Monsieur," shouted he, " passyporter, passyportei', 
PASSYPORTER !" " Monsicur," said I, "do you speak 
French?" " jSTo-r-r," said he, with fury ; "passyporter." 
I therefore confined myself to English, and explained 
the matter minutely and carefully, going over it several 
times, so that I thought it must needs be plain to the 
dullest comprehension. He did not understand it one 

23 



262 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

particle, however, and grew yet more clamorous for the 
|)assi)urt; whereupon 1 lay me back in dignity in the 
coach, declined to waste further discourse upon him, and 
bade him go to Babylon, or some equivalent exterranean 
limbo. By this time he was convinced that I was a 
most desperate and dangerous republican and pestilent 
heretic, bent upon the annihilation of the pontificate, and 
so brought the affair to a summary settlement by order- 
ing up one of his janizaries and delivering me over to his 
custody. 

A great deal of time was now wasted in transporting 
the baggage on the backs of porters from the cars to the 
building wliere it was to be examined. During this 
tedious process I sauntered about under guard, impa- 
tiently waiting for my trunk to appear. At length it 
was brought in among the very last entries. It was 
speedily opened, and the first thing I did was to extract 
the accursed paper and project it into the nose and e3"es 
of the functionary, who had drawn near and was stand- 
ing in judgment over me. The document was unim- 
peachable. There it was, indorsed and sanctified by the 
Great American Eagle in water-uiark, and describing my 
head as average, face ordinary, and features common, — 
all of which even a blind man would be obliged to admit 
accorded with my physiognomical characteristics to a 
notch. At this triumphant vindication of my integrity 
the functionary was amazed and nonplused, and had no 
other resource than to wreak unmanly vengeance on the 
contents of my trunk, which he raked up root and branch. 
It was the worst overhauling I received in all my trav- 
els, but my possessions, witliout exception, miraculously 
escaped his malice. With his conception of my warlike 
purposes of course he demanded if 1 had pistols. This 
question, which was never propounded to my companion, 
was put to me regularly at every examination of baggage, 
— making me, albeit I felt in my heart that I was a most 
tame and well-disposed person, to flatter myself that I 
did show a most martial and terror-striking presence. 
The present demand was met with the accustomed 
response, and as my coat-tail was not looked into I was 
not disarmed. 



OF A DOCTOR OF niYSW. 263 

Meanwhile a most momentous scene was enacting 
outside. On going forth, after disposing of the passport 
and baggage imbroglio, to seek my companion, I found 
him standing before a coach shaking his fists in excessive 
wrath. At the window loomed our old enemy the little 
man, rampant with his hat ofiF. There he stood in- 
trenched, having as an additional barrier against our 
entrance bribed the guard to lock the door ; and now 
warned and defied us in the Italian language, which was 
of all the multifarious tongues wherewith we had l)een 
tormented the one in which we were the most helplessly 
deficient. To be thus forcibly excluded from the coach 
which was ours by pre-emptive right when suasion had 
failed to remove us, was intolerable. The guard passing 
at the time I stopped him, and, explaining the state of 
the case in French, demanded to be reinstated in our 
places. He replied that he could understand no such 
French as I spoke, and went on. This iniquitous slur 
on my lingual acquirements augmented my choler one 
hundred per cent. The usurper thinking to strike terror 
into our souls shook his sun-dried and weather-stained 
cranium at us with extreme viciousness. Struck by his 
appearance I contemplated him critically. He was cer- 
tainly a mighty ugly man. There was no reason that I 
could see why he and the gorilla might not have their 
photographs printed from the same negative. His seven- 
by-nine spectacles glared and his manure-colored beard 
bristled. But he could not terrify me, for I was within 
a fraction or two of being as bald as he was; and my 
companion had been fighting so long with the King of 
Terrors that it was hard to scare him by any means. 
Now, except me, my companion was the peaceablest 
person that ever was, but when you raised us you raised 
Tartarus. At the then present time we were. raised, and 
under cover of a tremendous fusillade of English in 
response to the enemy's Italian, we stormed the coach. 
Slinging our overcoats, canes, umbrella, carpet-bags, and 
medicine-bottle through the window, we squeezed in im- 
mediately after them, the usurper giving ground before 
our impetuous advance, and were straightway in undis- 
puted possession. 



264 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

My companion did not cease hostilities for the great 
victory, hut fell upon the haffled and defeated usurper 
with his tongue and gave him an awful scoring. " Do 
you know what I'd do with you if I had you in Amer- 
ica ?" asked my companion of the usurper, at the same 
time flourishing his fist about his visage. The usurper 
did not appear to know, and posing himself comfortably 
away in a corner evinced no desire to be enlightened; 
wherefore my companion informed him gratuitously. " I'd 
choke you," said my companion with raucous emphasis. 
This question and the answer thereto he reiterated again 
and again for a long time, even after the train had re- 
sumed its journey, — nay, till the usurper had fallen fast 
asleep in his corner and snored. The strength of wind 
displayed by my companion in his gymnastical and 
elocutionary efforts on this occasion was more than I 
had supposed him possessed of, and gave me hopes that 
his lungs had been measurably invigorated by travel. 

Now it came to pass when we had become composed 
somewhat and began to look around the coach, we found 
from certain marks that we were not in the compartment 
originally occupied by us, but in some other to which we 
could justly lay no pre-emptive claim, — in fact, that we 
ourselves and not the little man were the usurpers! — a 
most astounding and grievous discovery. It was an im- 
pressive lesson against rash conclusions. Alas, how 
often, and sometimes how fatally, do we err in this way ! 
I should have been warned by the instance of old Mrs. 
Adkison, a chronic and consistent patient of mine, who, 
it may be, has made shipwreck of her salvation from this 
cause by too hastily rejecting with wrath and scorn the 
awakening and convicting tract entitled "Why Will You 
Die ?" pi'esented to her by a w^orthy colporteur. She 
uses '' hair restorer," and conceived the tract to be an 
impudent intermeddling with her private concerns. 

Since, however, we had made good our footing in the 
coach by the valor of our arms we did not condescend to 
make any apology or reparation, but retained our places 
by right of conquest. 

After a long and weary detention at this wretched 
spot, we sped away and were no more molested. As the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PUTS 10. 265 

day declined, we entered that desolate, depopulated, and 
unwholesome region known as the Campag-na, wliich 
presented a most dreary aspect in the gray light of the 
evening. Drawing near to Rome, some of the ])assengers 
were vouchsafed a misty view of the illumination of St. 
Peter's, — an imposing spectacle which is annually ex- 
hibited, wind and weather permitting, on Easter Sunday. 
These contingent circumstances had, however, not been 
propitious the present season, and consequently the Sov- 
ereign Pontiff had postponed the exhibition, which by 
right should have taken place on the second Sunday night 
preceding, to last Sunday night ; and then, for like cause, 
had postponed it again to next Sunday night, — to wit, 
to-morrow night. We were cognizant of this alteration 
in tlie time of the performance, and as we should then 
be in the city had indulged great hopes of witnessing it, 
but His Holiness, now justly distrustful of the meteoro- 
logical indications, by virtue of the plenary powers with 
which he was invested had antedated the show twenty- 
four hours, and lighted up this Saturday night, to our 
great disappointment. 

The Eternal City has no suburbs, and we were in it 
before we knew it. It was about eleven o'clock at night 
when we arrived. We debarked from the train, and in 
do.ubt and perplexity scuffled on our way till we stum- 
bled upon the omnibus pertaining to the Hotel d'Angle- 
terre, in which we secured passage,— being assured by 
the man in charge in response to repeated inquiries tliat 
we could readily find accommodations at the said Hotel 
d'Angleterre. The American custom of checking bag- 
gage is pooh-poohed in Europe — for no other reason, I 
verily believe, than from a complacent conceit that we 
young upstarts can't teach such old doty folks as tliey 
anything about traveling. As a consequence a man must 
trust to his individual eyes and feet and hands, and to 
Providence, to preserve his trunk, and serutinizingly note 
every one of its transmigrations and tergiversations, to 
his great vexation and tribulation. B}^ the miserable 
system in vogue here we were on the present occasion 
subjected to surpassing trouble. All of the baggage was 
first extracted from the train and thrown higgled v-piggledy 

23* 



266 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

into a room where no one was allowed to enter till the 
slow operation was completed, when a general rush was 
permitted, and everybody got what he could of his prop- 
erty. My companion undertook to engineer this part 
of the business while I stayed in the omnibus to maintain 
our position there, and by dint of unstinted expenditure 
of breath and small-change upon the surrounding depot- 
loafers, iu the fullness of time contrived to extricate our 
trunks from the general chaos. Out of a whole omnibus- 
load of passengers we were the only ones who accom- 
plished this feat, the rest in despair concluding to abandon 
their baggage to its fate till the morrow. 

The omnibus had tarried an inordinate time to give 
every passenger a chance for his possessions, but now by 
unanimous consent we set out for the hotel. On arriving 
there what was our indignation against the omnibus 
man when we were told by the Secretary — or whatever 
the person in authority was — that he had but one room 
left, and that one the worst in the house ! We besought 
him to consider the gravity of this circumstance and to 
reconsider its announcement, but he could by no means 
be brought to do it; in fact, the more we humbled our- 
selves the more he exalted himself, until at last he came 
to regard us as no better than burglars, and as good as 
ordered us out of the house. By vote the only room 
was allowed to a lady of the party in deference to the 
fact tliat she was a woman, while tiie rest of us by sup- 
plication procured the use of the omnibus to seek quarters 
among the neighljoring hotels. 

Accordingly, we sought and sought — but all in vain. 
The city was overflowing with people who had come to 
witness the pageants incident to the celebration of the 
fiftieth anniversary of Pius the Ninth's induction into 
the priesthood, and not a room was to be had anywhere. 
In the prosecution of the search, the occupants of the 
omnibus had been dropped and lost here and there, and 
finally, when all hope was fled, my companion and m.N'self 
returned alone to the Hotel d'Angleterre, where we 
reported our utter failure to the Secretary and bemoaned 
to him our desolate state. This exalted man spoke Eng- 
lish well and replied to us with promptness and fluency. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIYSIC. 267 

Tlie Secretary (indignantly). — " We carn't let our 
omnibus" — [or stage, or coach, or chariot, — for, truly, I 
do niisremeniber the identical appellation he bestowed 
upon his vehicle, — but, anyhow, said he] — " We carn't 
let it haul you people about town all night — and won't." 

We (deprecatingly). — '" Have mercy, sir, on us poor 
forlorn travelers, houseless and belated." 

The Secretary (pie-cruHtily). — " Sharn't do it — go 
somewhere else. [To the omnibus man, decisively.^ 
Take them people to the Hotel de Rome, drop 'em out 
there, and bring the omnibus back here." 

We (to one another). — " Od darn his old hide of him !" 

In Murray's Handbook the Hotel d'Angleterre is the 
subject of unqualified eulogy, and the Secretary is espe- 
cially commended for his obliging disposition. Now, I 
do not complain of the fact that they gave us no rooms 
"when they had none to give. I cheerfully forgive them 
for this, but I decidedly object to the manner in which it 
was done, which was wantonly curt and insolent. Had 
they not been quite so full, unquestionably they would 
have welcomed us with distinguished consideration; 
which leads me to infer that they can't stand prosperity, 
and to advise that they be brought to an endurable con- 
dition by a measurable withholding of the public patron- 
age. 

In striking contrast was the behavior of the person in 
charge of the Hotel de Rome. His house was full, too, 
and he could not furnish us with a room, but he gener- 
ously offered to relieve us of the incubus of our trunks, 
which were become a source of unutterable anxiety to 
us, and to our great deliverance piled them away in his 
back-yard, where we found them next morning neither 
ruined by bad weather nor opened by any unauthorized 
party. Moreover, he hunted up for us a man who had 
lodgings for hire, and did sundry good offices for us with- 
out fee or reward, so that 1 heartily recommend him to 
travelers as a Christian Secretary and his hotel as a 
Christian hostelry. 

Following the man with lodgings for hire we traversed 
some dark and unknown region and were presently 
ushered into a kind of dungeon, where we were caused 



268 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

to grope our way np a flight of dismal stone steps to a 
chamber above. Here a candle was lighted with much 
ado, and by its rays we beheld a dreary apartment whose 
principal piece of furniture was a mammoth bedstead, 
whereon we beheld reposing a most exceeding uncomely 
man, with a feather bed on top of him for covering and 
a nightcap adjusted to his head by swathing, it became 
necessary now for me to furbish up my entire stock of 
French, for we were al)out to essay in that tongue the 
extremely intricate business of determining the price of 
the lodgings. Talleyrand, who spoke French himself, 
has remarked that the design of language is to conceal 
our thoughts, — and from my experience I can in the 
nmin testify to the judiciousness of the observation. In 
the complex chaffering that now ensued between the 
landlord and me, neither more than half comprehended 
what the other was driving at. It is my custom, as it is 
that of most persons not habituated to the use of out- 
landish tongues, when forced to speak in other than my 
vernacular, to involuntarily interlard my discourse with 
fragments from any other language with which 1 may 
chance to be conversant in order to eke out the meaning. 
It thus happened that when I resorted to French in 
Europe — and Heaven knows I did it never from any 
vanity of scholarship, but only from the direst necessity 
— it was usually much diversified with Spanish and Eng- 
lish ; and I did ofttimes conceive, and was to a degree 
puffed up by the conception, that the Europeans hearing 
me speak three languages must needs esteem me to be a 
man of uncommon erudition, — especially as I spoke all 
three simultaneously, and far more especially, unless 
they differ widely from the rest of our wonder-worshiping 
species, because ordinarily I made all three great mys- 
teries unto them. Slowly and painfully the landlord 
brought me to understand his ultimatum, which was 
that we could have the dungeon and the big bedstead for 
three dollars a day, — provided we pledged ourselves to 
remain for a week; or, if preferred, we could have them 
for one night for twenty-one dollars. We brought him 
quickly and readily to understand that we declined the 
proposition by taking up our carpet-bags, medicine-bottle, 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 209 

etc., and stumbling; and tumbling out of the place. The 
wretch in the nightcap during' the conference composedly 
lay in bed looking and listening, sagaciously retaining 
possession till the question was decided, and the fact that 
we should have had to occupy his place was a weighty 
reason with us for not acceding to the landlord's terms. 

We stood in the street and took a calm review of the 
prospect. The result was that we became wellnigh 
panic-struck. It M^as after midnight. We had had 
nothing to eat since breakfast and our maws were empty 
and our souls famished within us. Not knowing what 
to do we returned to the Hotel de Rome, and there prov- 
identially found another hirer of lodgings. As the case 
was now desperate we determined with ourselves to 
take these lodgings for the night, no matter what sort 
they might be, and to ask no questions, but to struggle 
over the price on the morrow when we would have day- 
light in our favor. Accordingly, we were again led forth 
for a short distance and up another flight of stone steps, 
but this time into quite a cheerful and well-ordered room, 
carpeted, and adorned with family portraits done by pho- 
tography, and, judging from their numbers, comprising 
the whole race and kindred to the remotest generation. 

We took seats and waited till the preparations for our 
induction could be completed. Never were we treated 
with greater consideration and respect. On our behalf 
a lady was hauled out of bed and caused to make it over 
again for our reception. Tables and chairs and other 
things were dragged in quantities into the bed-chamber 
for our comfort, and when we asked for a drink of water 
all hands dropped whatever they were doing on the spot 
and rushed to bring it to us in a body. Such marks of 
courtesy and regard gave us a most favorable impression 
of our quarters, though our enthusiasm was sobered 
down in some measure by misgivings as to their market 
value ; nevertheless, we adhered to our original deter- 
mination, asked no questions, but went to bed with the 
universal benison pouring in loud acclaim upon our heads, 
and waited till the morrow. 

By our judicious silence we got the landlord at an 
advantage, and next morning were able to negotiate 



270 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

witli bira on very satisfactory terms. We retained these 
lodgings during our stay in Rome, taking our meals at a 
restaurant, and were very well pleased with them. Our 
apartments comprised a bed-chamber containing a big 
bedstead identical with the one of the dungeon before 
mentioned, and like it equipped with a feather bed by 
way of quilt, while the portrait gallery was assigned to 
us for our parlor. A delectable little maiden ministered 
to us with unexceptionable care, never failing to refresh 
us every morning with a vase of nice flowers. We de- 
pended on her for egress and ingress, for the door at the 
top of the steps was kept always fastened by a recondite 
kind of lock whose mysteries we never fully mastered. 
The good girl in the kindness of her heart spoke French 
to us, though, in sooth, her knowledge of the language 
was limited to '^ Bon jour, tnonsieur.'''' These words, 
however, she uttered to us continually, at our outgoings 
and incomings, at our uprisings and downsittings, in 
season and out of season, — in short, whenever and where- 
ever she set eyes on us. 

Almost the sole complaint we could reasonably make 
against these lodgings was due to the fleas, which were 
allowed, not to say encouraged, to colonize therein, — and 
really they were somewhat annoying to us. In the bed 
alone there was, I am certain, not one less than a full 
Roman legion of them. My last care every night before 
retiring was to take off" my under-clothing, turn it inside 
out, and shake it with inconceivable fury. This operation 
was faithfully repeated three times before daybreak, with 
much floundering, and rearing, and tearing, and moaning 
in the intervals, and again performed as the preliminary 
of my morning toilet. In spite, however, of my most 
strenuous exertions to get rid of them, I was kept in a 
rack of misery more or less all the time, and was reduced 
to such straits that I could spare but one hand to eat 
with, having to reserve the other for the purpose of 
scratching. How the Roman people can endure such 
torments as these is hard to comprehend. Possibly their 
indiiference is due to the fortitude tliey may inherit from 
their invincible forefathers — probably it is due to the 
impenetrability of the quasi-stucco in which their hides 
are usually incased. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIYSrO. 2tl 



CHAPTER XXI. 

IIow we strove to do our Duty by the manifold Sights to be seen at 
Rome, and of the Expert whose aid we invoked- — Containing also an 
Expositioij of the Science and Art of Topograph}' as applied there, 
v?ith Descriptions of some of the principal Churches, and Notes on 
the Vatican. 

My first day in Rome, which was tlie Sabbath, was a 
very melancholy one. The labors and privations of the 
preceding day and niji'ht liad f'ag-o-ed me ; my spirits were 
weig'hed down; I saw nothing in anything ; but was emi- 
nently atrabilious and blue-devilish. There was little in 
the general aspect of the city to ameliorate this frame of 
mind, for it is, in my judgment, an excessively sombre 
and disheartening place, and the pervading gloom was 
augmented by the closing of the shops in deference to 
the sanctity of the day, — a tribute of respect to which we 
could not, of course, object in the capital of the Chris- 
tian world, but which we had not seen paid for now a 
long time, and, in truth, did not anticipate. 

After getting breakfast at a neighboring restaurant 
and having our trunks transported to our lodgings, we 
sauntered forth listlessly, not knowing what to do with 
ourselves, and presently esjiying some kind of a column 
towering before us made towards it. It was situated in 
a spacious square called the Piazza del Popolo and proved 
to be an Egyptian obelisk which had been reared thou- 
sands of years ago to adorn the Temple of the Sun at 
Heliopolis, but brought to Rome by the Emperor Augus- 
tus. After sufficiently studying the hieroglyphics with 
which it is pictured we were moved to fall into a throng 
of people who were hurrying past us as if they were 
tending to some point of great attraction, and, accord- 
ingly, following the crowd through a gateway at one side 
of the square and so out of the city they ultimately led 
us to a church — the English Protestant — to our great 
disgust ; for we were not in a frame for the reception of 



212 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

the Word. We tlierefore retraced our steps to the piazza, 
and from there we gradually worked our way to the top 
of the Pincian Hill hard by. This hill is appropriately 
laid out as a promenade, and is a favorite place of resort 
for pedestrian and equestrian idlers. From it is to be 
seen a magnificent panorama, and here we spent a great 
part of the day, contemplating the city as it lay before 
us and the citizens as they lounged around us. 

We had come to Rome full}' alive to the momentous 
duties that would devolve upon us as sight-seers, and fully 
determined to discharge them. We felt that we were in 
a city brimful of moving memories, where every pebble 
was classical, and where the wind could not blow with- 
out disturbing the dust of empires. We knew that our 
anxious friends at home relied upon us to see everything 
that any of our i)redecessors had ever seen or professed 
to have seen, and that if we failed in any particular, on 
our return we should be chided, and pitied, and despised. 
That we should not be found derelict, therefore, we made 
it our first business on Monday morning to hire a guide 
and a two-horse carriage. This guide was a stout and 
elderly personage, with gloves and a stove-pipe hat, and 
a visage tanned and hard as whit-leather. He was the 
staidest of men, a mortal hater of all jests and idle say- 
ings, with an unbounded conception of the dignity of 
his office, and of remarkable independence — being ready 
to wash his hands of us at a moment's notice. He deliv- 
ered his oracles jejunely and with method, brooking no 
interruption, but repressing such questions as in his judg- 
ment were out of order by gentle but firm flappings with 
his open hand and an injunction to wait with patience till 
that point should be attained in its proper sequence. He 
was but ill versed in the English tongue, which he con- 
founded ofttimes with the French, and it was only when 
we were about to part with him that we considered our- 
selves qualified to interpret his discourse. He called 
Augustus, Owgoostooz; Caius Cestius, Caiooz Chestiooz; 
and Claudius, Cloud ; and when at any time pressed to 
give more particulars, would frequently quietly decline 
and refer us to Murray's Handbook. Under thraldom 
body and soul to this sage, we sallied forth to explore the 



OF A DOCTOR OF FHYSW. 273 

city, riding' unweariedly all day for a week, stopping only 
to eat. We were but human, and it is possible that after 
all our efforts we may not have accomplished the work 
thoroughly, but this I can aver, we did it conscientiously, 
and for conscience' sake did many times endure boring to 
the last extremity. 

The Goth, the Christian, Time, War, Flood, and Fire, 
have dealt upon the seven-hill'd city's pride so relent- 
lessly as to put effectuall}" at fault any common man who 
should attempt to trace the void and say, " Here was, or 
is." Nevertheless, there have been undaunted spirits 
who have valorously faced every difficulty and mapped 
it out as it was in the days of the Caesars, — nay, as it was 
in the days of Romulus. They have accomplished this 
result, in a great measure, by boldly assigning some well- 
known name to a certain uncertain locality as a starting- 
point, and, this being established, deducing the position 
of other localities from it through the medium of inci- 
dental allusions in the works of ancient authors. In this 
Avay the locations of a multitude of places are indubitably 
fixed — subject, however, to be revised by some succeed- 
ing antiquarian, at whose dictum they are all changed 
and indubitably fixed over again. For instance — Sig. 
Roriborialli conjecturing that a certain wreck was the 
Temple of Jupiter Nitroglycerans, and there being no 
survivors of the period of the Empire to contradict him, 
sets it down so as a fact known and admitted of all men. 
Now, Seneca says plainly, in his treatise De Pidsante 
circa Urbem, that the Baths of the Jimcronian Venus 
were " jjlu7'a vestigia'^ — a few steps — from here; which 
identifies the load of rubbish confronting it three yards off 
as the said Baths beyond all dispute. Moreover, from a 
passage in Horace's elegiac Ad Sassiges it appears that 
Caesar's Circus Maximus Caninus, or dog-opera, was over 
against (exadversum) the Baths. This clearly settles 
the character of the hoary and crumbling pile of bricks 
that lies behind them. By inferences of this sort Sig. 
Roriborialli has identified numberless other temples, and 
baths, and arches, and places of renown, and thousands 
of cultivated travelers from every clime coming to the 
Eternal Citv have reverentlv gazed upon and sighed over 

24 



2Y4 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

scenes which but for the erudition and research of this 
accomplished archaeologist must have sunk into utter ob- 
livion. Having finished his labors Sig. Roriborialli, satis- 
fied that he has contributed to the measure of his ability to 
the great cause of Truth, dies triumphant and goes to his 
reward. But since Roriborialli's time other light has 
been shed upon the subject. Other erudite and research- 
ful archaiologists, each one more erudite and researchful 
than his predecessor, have arisen, down to the period of 
Pochinozi, who by means of the improved methods of 
reasoning invented in our day has entirely wiped out Sig. 
Roriborialli's very base-line. This distinguished investi- 
gator has proved conclusively by certain inscriptions on 
the walls and by the careful collation of passages that 
the temple so long believed to be of Jupiter Nitroglycerans 
is in reality of Cloacina. Tijis, of course, upsets every 
one of Sig. Roriborialli's deductions and necessitates an 
out-and-out reconstruction of his map. In corroboration 
of Sig. Pochinozi's views, Zwoschlager, the profound 
German Latinist, expresses the opinion that the phrase 
translated " ik few steps" may mean many, — sc. three 
miles instead of three yards,* — and that the term exad- 
versum may be as justly rendered "before" as "behind." 
But, above all, his accuracy is incontestably assured by 
the fact that he is the very latest authority on the subject. 
Having identified the temple, his next step has been to 
form a series of deductions of his own, which he has 
done with surprising skill, whereby he has been enabled 
to rename all of Roriborialli's places ; and no one who 
knows anything of his ability can any more doubt of the 
fixedness and finality of his nomenclature than of the 
egregious credulity of those persons who doubted not the 
same thing of the nomenclature of the old-timey Rori- 
borialli. In my descriptions I shall adhere to Sig. Pochi- 
nozi implicitly. 

It is a difficult matter to give within restricted limits a 
satisfactory view of a city which in its various aspects 



* As somewlaat pertinent to this point, cf. the memorable controversy 
concerning the signification of the words jjlii/ibus verbis in the oration 
of Cicero for Marcelius. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHrSW. 275 

has afforded inateiMal for hundreds of volumes without 
exhausting the subject. To describe everything that was 
shown me wouhl be simply an outrage upon any but a 
mouldy archa3ological reader, and I shall therefore confine 
myself to a matter-of-fact description of some of the more 
prominent objects of interest without aspiring to seem 
learned or original, — and, above all, to the best of my 
ability stifling those reflections on the transitory nature 
of earthly things and soliloquies on the Past with which 
most writers on Rome feel constrained to get bemaudled. 
When I was there I was too full of fleas to be reflective; 
but though my cuticle is no more irritated and I can now 
sentimentalize in peace, it is not consistent with the 
reputation, which I have no scruple in forestalling for 
myself of being the most trustworthy of didactic travelers, 
that 1 should pass off my own manufacture for nature's 
genuine article, — no, not even though, as I verily believe, 
the most accomplished expert could not distinguish be- 
tween them. In undertaking to give some account of the 
city, I find that it is difficult, too, to know where to begin. 
In leading us around, our guide adopted a plan of his 
own too complex to be understood by us, and too di- 
gressive to be followed in description. On the whole, I 
think the simplest and best way will be to consult my 
own convenience. 

Let us, in the first place, consider the churches. The 
number of these is legion, or, at any rate, is much above 
three hundred, and more are in process of erection. One 
of the most important of the Pope's spiritual functions is 
the building and repairing of churches, and I visited 
several of them in which scaffolding and mortar-beds 
formed prominent features of the interior scene. Among 
such a multitude of structures designed for the same 
special purpose, there must necessarily often occur a near 
approach to uniformity of style and decoration, and one 
must be a devoted church-goer who does not soon tire of 
them. The renowned St. Peter's, of course, leads the 
list. Every one who has seen this stupendous pile has 
remarked upon the false conception of its dimensions as a 
whole and in detail which is formed at first sight. 
Whether the illusion is to be attributed, as is commonly 



276 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

asserted, to the harmonious proportion of all the parts, or 
to some other cause, I fully concur in the general opinion 
that it exists, and that nothing short of physical demon- 
stration can dispel it. It is surprising how completely 
one is set back who presumptuously thinking to take a 
saint by the hand, finds when he has approached that he 
can barely reach his Worship's toe ; or, when he would 
pat the little leg of a baby cherub, perceives it suddenly 
swell under his touch into a full-grown seraphic calf. 

From the fa9ade of the building there branches out at 
each extremity a majestic colonnade formed by four rows 
of columns, extending forwards in a semicircular sweep, 
and numbering altogether two hundred and eighty-four. 
IN'early two hundred statues of saints look down from 
the entablatui'e which surmounts these columns. The 
effect of the colonnade is admirable, such as befits the 
entrance of a temple. The space inclosed by these semi- 
circles is embellished with two fine fountains, while from 
its centre rises one of those Egyptian obelisks which the 
Roman emperors were so wont to bring over for the 
adornment of the city. 

On entering the church our attention is directed to a 
line of stars set in the pavement at different distances 
from each other ; these are signs of vanity designed to 
vaunt the excess of St. Peter's over other vast fanes, both 
of Christendom and Heathendom. Thus, according to 
the data appended to the stars, this church is two 
hundred and fifty-three feet longer than St. Sophia of the 
infidel Turk; while it is ninety-three feet and a half 
longer than St Paul's of London, the masterpiece of us 
Protestants, — being itself six hundred and thirteen feet 
and a half long. I saw no comparison made with the 
Cathedral of Seville, and on expressing my surprise 
thereat was coolly informed by the guide that they had 
never heard in Rome of any such structure. As I have 
said, we do not realize its magnitude at once. We 
glance about without being awed, — in fact, almost without 
being impressed, — and deem it to be only a fair-sized pile, 
till in making some examination we discover how grossly 
we have deceived ourselves, and then its vastness and 
grandeur break upon us. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 2T7 

Passing along the nave, after many steps we presently 
stand beneath the great dome. Panegyric has been 
exhausted in attempting to describe the sublimity of this 
marvelous work. It gives but the skeleton of a concep- 
tion of it to say that it is a hundred and thirty-nine feet 
in diameter, and that the altitude from the pavement to 
its summit is four hundred and five feet. The vault is 
adorned with gilded stucco ornaments and mosaics, bold 
and exaggerated in execution in order that they may be 
defined at that great height, but softened into beauty by 
the distance. Around its base is inscribed in letters six 
feet long that passage of Scripture on which the Catholic 
Church so greatly relies for its exaltation of the apostle 
Peter: Tu es Petrus, et super hanc petrani sedijicabo 
ecclesiam meam, et tihi dabo claves regni coelorum. But 
the dome as seen from the interior, vast as it is, is but 
an inner shell, for surrounding it is another dome a hun- 
dred and ninety-five feet and a half in diameter, and 
between the two runs a stairway by which an ascent 
may be made to the ball and cross that crown the whole. 
Pour enormous piers, two hundred and fifty-three feet in 
circumference, sustain this " Pantheon in the air." Be- 
neath the dome rises grandly the baldachin, or canopy of 
the high altar, composed largely of bronze which, in 
obedience to a proclivity that we have frequent occasion 
to deplore in Rome, was ruthlessly torn from the Pan- 
theon ; and beneath the high altar, which is plain for so 
grand a temple, and in the subterranean church, is the 
sanctum sanctorum — the tomb reverenced as that of St. 
Peter. In front of the high altar is a large open crypt 
surrounded by a marble balustrade, in which is placed an 
imposing statue of Pius VI. in the attitude of prayer 
before the tomb. 

There are a multitude of chapels in St. Peter's, and 
these are especially vi^orthy of attention as displaying 
one of the most interesting features connected with the 
church, — the reproduction of celebrated paintings in 
mosaic. There are very few paintings proper in St. 
Peter's, but nearly every chapel is adorned with one or 
more of these mosaic copies, which, regarded merely in 
their mechanical aspect, are beautiful and wonderful. 

24* 



278 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

There is also a great array of sepulchral monuments, 
exhibiting this sombre sort of sculpture of various degrees 
of merit and under a diversity of designs, — some of them 
fantastical, some liyperbolical, and a few natural. They 
are erected principally to the memory of departed Popes, 
though other parties whose claim to be commemorated 
herein is not altogether unimpeachable have contrived to 
get their monuments smuggled in amongst the number. 
In obedience to the undying perversity of political opin- 
ions we have here, on a memorial to the last of the royal 
race of Stuarts, the Pretender, as his opponents stigma- 
tize hira, dignified by the title of James III., and his 
sons styled kings of England by implication ; while in 
the church below, where they lie buried, all three are 
assigned the sceptre under the explicit titles of James 
III., Charles III., and Henry IX. 

One of the prime objects of attraction in St. Peter's is 
that far-famed bronze statue which good Catholics so 
adore. These say that it is the similitude of the saint 
himself, and a most precious work wrought by holy 
hands in early Christian times ; but their enemies will 
have it that it is no more nor less than Jupiter, the hea- 
then, unchivalrously discrowned and transfigured, and 
made to personate his mighty rival and subduer. But 
be he St. Peter or St. Jupiter, there he sits black and 
rusty on a marble chair, with his foot stuck well to the 
front and, with all respect be it spoken, of a decidedly 
unchristian, ungainly, and unprepossessing presence. 
Notwithstanding, however, that his appearance is so 
against him be is regarded with the utmost veneration, 
and the faithful deem it a paramount duty on entering 
the church to press their foreheads against his foot and 
kiss the toe that presents itself so complacently to their 
lips. It is said that he has been kissed stump-toed by 
centuries of osculation; but the crowd pressing around 
him was so large that I was unable to verify the state- 
ment. Most of those whom I saw making the salutation 
were priests; and I was scandalized by observing the 
unseemly efforts these holy men made to squeeze in 
before each other. A young priest, I noticed, over-sen- 
fSible of his unworthiness, was outfianjied iDOre than a 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 279 

dozen times by his self-righteous and more obtrusive 
brethren. 

Owing' to the interposition of certain red-tape restric- 
tions we were prevented from carrying out that part of 
the programme which requires the visitor to descend 
into the damps of the charnel-house below and ascend to 
the giddy summit of the dome above, — whereby we 
escaped being poisoned by sepulchral vapors in the one, 
and being hurled down in apoplexy from the other. 
Seats were being erected and other preparations going 
on in the body of the church for the reception of the 
CEcumenical Council which had been summoned to con- 
vene here ; and I am not surprised to learn since that 
several who came to the convocation and sat all day in 
this barn of a place, listening to and talking Latin in the 
depth of winter, have yielded up the ghost. 

St. Peter's stands on the right bank of the Tiber, 
amidst a jumble of other buildings. The usual approach 
to it takes us by the Castle of St. Angelo, — whilom the 
Tomb of Hadrian, now the Pope's earthly tower of 
strength, — whose cannon, however, are almost exclu- 
sively used to bellow forth his glory and honor and to 
assist in operating the somewhat complex machinery of 
the Catholic ritual. As we cross the river, if we turn 
our heads and look down the stream, we shall see one 
of the most impressive sights tliat Rome can show, — the 
melancholy relics of the bridge called the Triumphal, the 
prescribed pathway over which her heroes marched in 
glorious procession into the city. 

1 do not intend to enlarge on the churches, but I must 
say a few words about St. Paul's without-the-city, which 
is, I think, the most pleasing church I ever entered. It 
is the successor of one of the oldest Christian temples in 
the world, which after standing for nearly fifteen hundred 
years was almost utterly consumed by fire in 1823. 
Though there is much to be done to it yet, it is sutti- 
ciently near completion to give the visitor an adequate 
idea of the character and scope of its design. No place 
of worship I have seen can compare with it for elegant 
splendor combined with majestic simplicity. It exhibits 
one of the rare instances in ecclesiastical architecture 



280 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS- 

where a profusion of material has been tastefully 
wrought up. Instead of lavishing his resources on de- 
tails, the architect has concentrated them on the erection 
of a noble colonnade of eighty Corinthian columns, each 
of a single piece of granite, with marble capitals, ar- 
ranged in four rows extending the length of the edifice 
between the nave and aisles ; and no one who has not 
beheld it can conceive the grandeur of this simple plan. 
The baldachin over the high altar, itself a magnificent 
work, is sustained by four columns of alabaster, each of 
which is also a single piece, fraternally presented to 
Pope Gregory XVI. by that chivalric old heathen man, 
Mehemet Ali, Yiceroy of Egypt. A striking character- 
istic of this church is the extensive series of portraits of 
the Popes done in mosaic, which is intended to include 
all of them, beginning with St. Peter and running on in 
secula seculorum. 

With all its magnificence it is likely that this church 
will never have a flourishing congregation, for, in the 
first place, it is entirely out of town, — so that none but 
the very pious are going to journey so far to attend divine 
service ; and in the second place, those who go are ex- 
tremely apt to be struck down in the flower of their piety 
by the chills which make the neighborhood accursed. 

I must at least mention the church of St. Agnes with- 
out-the-city, — worthy to be visited as the best represent- 
ative of the ancient churches now left at Rome, and 
especially memorable as the scene where a mighty miracle 
was wrought in this our day. It appears that Pope Pius 
IX. being by some chance hereabouts one afternoon in 
the year of grace 1854 was invited within by the brethren 
who tabernacle here to partake of some refreshment. 
While at meat with divers dignitaries of high degree in 
the ecclesiastical, civil, and military services, all uncon- 
scious of what was coming, or rather going, — lo, the 
floor broke down and the Sovereign Pontiff, the dignitaries 
of degree, the holy brotherhood in waiting, the crockery 
and the victuals, all slid into the cellar together. And now, 
behold the miracle ! St. Peter descending interposed, and 
leaving the rest of the assembly to shift for themselves 
clamped his worthy successor ; and, albeit he is of a 



OF A DOCTOR OF FHYSIC. 281 

portly make, let him down as gently as two hundred- 
weight of feathers on the soft carcasses of those below, — 
so that, while sundry of his festal companions were sorely 
bewildered, becripplod, and begreased, His Holiness was 
scarcely soiled. All these particulars are matters of 
record, for they are preserved in an admirable fresco 
painted on the wall in commemoration of the event, 
which faithfully represents the table upsetting and the 
dishes and contents slipping off, while the dignitaries are 
rearing and kicking, perfectly demoralized, — one in espe- 
cial being seen making furiously for a window grated too 
closely to let out a cat, — the whole forming a most thrill- 
ing picture, on which I gazed in rapture, for I am not 
insensitive to humorous subjects seasonably presented. 
St. Peter looms powerfully in the fresco amid the wreck 
of household and kitchen furniture, — though our guide, 
who was a witness of the catastrophe, does not remember 
seeing him, unless, indeed, that gendarme whom he saw 
hauling Pius out of the ruins was the apostle in disguise. 
Be this as it may, however, Pius himself, who is natu- 
rally the best judge in the matter, is satisfied that a special 
miracle was performed in behalf of his corporal salvation, 
and in. grateful recollection of it he has repaired and 
adorned the edifice, and having in particular confirmed 
and immovably established the flooring goes thither every 
year to offer up thanksgiving for the great deliverance. 
But while he thus unequivocally shows his own estimate 
of the afTair it is but just to add that I have heard that 
the dignitaries whose heads were cracked and shins 
barked do not think it was so mighty much of a miracle 
after all. 

The basilica of the Lateran is one of the most famous 
churches of Rome, but I will only say of it that I there 
saw the identical well of the Woman of Samaria, dug up 
and brought over by some pious hand, — or, at any rate, 
they show the marble curb of it ; and also a table mark- 
ing the height of Christ, being six feet high. Connected 
with this church is the celebrated Scala Santa, or sacred 
stairway, belonging originally, they say, to Pilate's house, 
and by which the Saviour descended from the judgment- 
hall, No foot is allowed to tread these steps, but whoever 



282 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

wishes to ascend must do so on his knees. It is deemed 
a potent means of grace to do this, and at all times there 
can be seen several penitents making their way to the top 
in this fashion, presenting a curious, an uncouth, yea, 
a humiliating spectacle — i.e. to us Protestants, stiff- 
kneed and incredulous generation that we are. I per- 
ceived one prayerful old man, a "poor child of Doubt 
and Death, whose hope was built on reeds," with the 
rheumatism, or some other impediment in his joints, des- 
perately toiling on, triumphing the more abundantly for 
the difficulties that clogged his progress, and working an 
amount of damage to his articular structures that a whole 
dozen of opodeldoc would scarce undo. The attrition of 
innumerable knee-pans long ago threatened to utterly 
grind away the original marble of the steps, and they were 
planked over to save them, — since which time three suits 
of plank have been rubbed out. 

Let us leave the churches and next turn our attention 
to the Vatican. But who is long-winded enough to fully 
describe this, and who is long-suffering enough to read 
the description ? How can I be expected to recount all 
I saw in four thousand four hundred and twenty-two 
rooms? — not, indeed, that I really entered that many, but 
that is the number in the Vatican, and we went into 
enough of them to come out dazed and mystified beyond 
recapitulation. Let it suffice to say that we gazed upon 
myriads of paintings — though what they were i do not 
remember, except that I know from the accounts of my 
predecessors that many of them are great masterpieces 
of art which once seen can never be forgotten ; also, an 
incalculable quantity of feet, legs, arms, and hands of 
statues, and even whole ones, whose execution it may be 
lawful for the present race of sculptors to hope to imitate 
but is madness to aspire to rival, and which haunt the 
memory like some beatific vision — though what they 
were like has almost slipped 1113^ recollection. We saw, 
moreover, a vast accumulation of very indiiferent-looking 
pieces of stone called Roman antiquities, the scrapings of 
old graveyards and such places which the unhallowed 
hands of resurrectionists have rooted up and carted hither 
from the last resting-places of those ancient defuncts who 



OF A DOCTOR OF rilYSIC. 283 

were so unfortunate as to have been put away in some- 
thing of style. Furthermore, we were trotted through 
an immense and most precious library of some forty 
thousand books and twenty-four thousand manuscripts in 
Turkish, Coptic, Chinese, Sclavonic, etc., not one of which 
we were allowed to read. Would that I had the memory 
of an ostrich that I might be able to relate, and my reader 
the ears of an ass that he might be able to take in, but a 
thousandth part of the wonders that are here displayed! 
But, alas ! almost the only thing 1 distinctly remember is 
the sight I obtained of the rare and costly gifts bestowed 
upon the Holy Father by the kings and princes who in 
these patricidal times remain dutiful sons of the Church, — 
or, let me more correctly say, my attempt to get a sight 
of them, for my remembrance of the treasures themselves 
is likewise miserably misty. 

The kingly offerings were kept in an apartment to them- 
selves, where they lay in state, only a limited number of 
persons being allowed to behold them at the same time, 
and an obdurate janitor standing at the door to admit the 
spectators in turn. This apartment became a point of 
special attraction, and a large crowd collected there, a 
goodly part of it, you may be sure, being constituted of 
the justly denominated soft sex, who, as every man se- 
cretly believes, — and they can't intimidate me into sup- 
pressing the fact, — will suffer themselves to be compressed 
till the\^ are solidified for a glimpse at a piece of jim- 
orackery. Naturally, under these circumstances, there 
was a good deal of pressure, and not a little counter- 
pressure. As for me, I maintained strictly an armed neu- 
trality, making no aggressions whatever, but being con- 
tent with holding my own. 

While thus comporting myself in a most placable, in- 
offensive manner, of a sudden a great surge vibrated 
through the assembly, whereby a little Italian gentleman, 
standing with a lady directly in front of me, was goaded 
into a frenzy, and, falling straightway into a paroxysm of 
maniacal convulsions, began kicking up behind and be- 
fore, and especiall}^ butting backwards into me individ- 
ually with surpassing venomousness. No candid person, 
I am certain, would see anything but the merest dictate 



284 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

of self-pvotection in the upraising of my leg and the pro- 
jecting forth of my foot in the manner of a cow-catcher, — 
an expedient which I adopted, and which checked up the 
little Italian gentleman with the most gratifying thor- 
oughness. 

No candid person would condemn this proceeding, — 
nevertheless it wonderfully stirred up the bile and acri- 
mony of a gallant, hot-faced man of London, who stood 
in the crowd with his hat on the back of his head view- 
ing the scene with the steady dignity of a fat statue. Said 
the gallant, hot-faced man of London to me, " Aren't you 
hany manners ? Wot are you a shovin' of 'im fer ? Don't 
you see the gent must purtect 'is missus from bein' 
smashed? You a Ilinglishman and do sich a thing! — 
fer shame !" 

Now, this was too bad. It was sufBciently irritating 
for a passive recipient of injury to be denounced as an 
active aggressor, but for a citizen of the great and free 
Repuldic of America to be accounted a subject of the 
old, tyrannical monarchy of Britain was absolutely intol- 
erable. As the reader of course knows, from what I 
have heretofore candidly told him of myself, I am a man 
pre-eminently possessing all the kindly traits and gentler 
virtues of humanity, — and it has been observed by the 
sages that the wrath of a long-suffering man is terrible. 
So the man of London found it, for I fell foul of him with 
a surprising force of language, denjing utterly any com- 
plicity in the shoving, and especially repelling with al- 
most inarticulate indignation his atrocious assumption of 
fellow-citizenshij). lie withdrew both charges, and was 
so captivated with the great spirit I had displayed as to 
propose that we should consolidate ourselves against the 
crowd who were pressing savagely in rear; but I de- 
clined the coalition, bidding him shove behind if he were 
so minded, but for my part, I told him, I now meant to 
push to the front. 

In the mean time, those in the vicinity had taken the 
matter up in Italian, French, and English, and for a time 
it was as if the thunders of the Vatican had bursted 
amongst us. At this juncture the door opened, the con- 
course fermented violently, and the little Italian witii the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 285 

lady had another awful (it. In dancing about hi.s charg:e 
with the intention of keeping me back, he missed his own 
opportunity of entering, and at the same time bestowed 
upon me an auspicious side-long butt with so much heart- 
felt energy as to knock me clean to the door, through 
which I passed triumphantly ; and, as the j)ortal closed, 
I saw him dancing with undiminished vi"or. 



CHAPTER XXII. 

The Relics of the Ancient City. 

Having acquitted myself in some sort of my obliga- 
tions to the ecclesiastical structures, I propose now to 
cast a glance at some of the objects whose glories are of 
another day. And, first of all, let us betake ourselves to 
the Capitol. Climbing the steep we are confronted by 
an assemblage of statues and monuments, including two 
lions. Castor and Pollux holding their horses, the first 
and seventh milestones belonging to the Appian Way, and 
the admirable bronze equestrian statue of Marcus Aure- 
lius, a relic of ancient art which has been spared to us 
from the anti-pagan zeal of the middle age professors of 
our faith by the fortunate liallucination that induced the 
good people to revere it as the semblance of the Christian 
emperor Constantine. We now find ourselves in a square 
which is surrounded on three sides by massive but unim- 
pressive buildings; and we wonder which of these three 
edifices is the Capitol. We conclude that the central one 
is, — firstly, because it is in the middle, and secondly, be- 
cause it has a high tower sticking out of its roof. And 
then we sorrow to behold so poor a representative of the 
ancient structure, — that stately pile whose grandeur we 
have so often pictured to our imagination, and which, 
mayhap, in our enthusiam we have even denationalized 
ourselves so far as to conceive almost as resplendent as 
our own unmatchable conglomerate at Washington. 

25 



280 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

But, in Rootb, it nppoars that neither of these tliree is 
tlie Capitol, there l)eing no such edifice now in existence. 
]f there be any which is worthy to be deemed such, it is 
the central building aforesaid, both on account of its po- 
sition and tower aforesaid, and especially on account of 
the fact that therein sits the solemn court of police to try 
drunk and disorderly Romans. Yet, though it is not the 
Capitol itself, it may be assumed with as much certainty 
as we can ever attain to in Rome that it at least occu- 
pies the site of the Capitol ; and in poking about in its 
cellar we were shown certain stones which we were posi- 
tively assured were the substructions of its illustrious 
predecessor. As we wandered about the spot, therefore, 
we experienced something of a sensation from the tolera- 
ble certainty that beneath our feet was ground made fa- 
mous by great men and great deeds ; that here the long 
line of the three hundred laureled victors had come one 
by one to consummate their triumph, and that where wo 
stood historic Gaul and Goose had stood before us. 

The central building is known as the Palace of the 
Senator. Excepting its tower, which affords a grand 
and instructive panoramic view of the surrounding coun- 
try, it has nothing of especial interest about it. On the 
right-hand side of the space stands the Palace of the 
Conservators, these Conservators being a species of City 
Fathers. Herein is a suite of rooms devoted to illustrious 
Italians, where their busts are displayed for the titillatiou 
of the natives and the dumbfounding of such foreigners 
as have rashly concluded that Italy has been decaying 
since the glorious old Roman times. And, really, I was 
not prepared for the magnitude of the spectacle, for it 
indicated that this ancient land has always been as full 
of great men as a superannuated cheese is of skippers. 
The Palace also contains a fair supply of heads, hands, 
and feet pertaining to bronze and marble worthies, as 
well as entire busts and statues of other worthies — most 
of which have been identified by the antiquarians, gen- 
erally by intuition. It boasts, also, an accumulation of 
old vases and pots, and a gallery of pictures, comprising 
scriptural subjects mostly; but though the pictures are 
numerous, they are said by those versed iu such things 



OF A DOCTOR OF TIIYSIC. 287 

to be of inflifferent execution. The rooms, nine in num- 
ber, especially set apart for the City Fathers are deco- 
rated with frescoes representing events in early Roman 
history, and are enlivened with busts of the departed, 
sarcophaguses, sculptures of the gates of hell, bronze 
ducks, etc., and in them are contained the Fasti Con- 
sulares, very interesting antiques, being a list of the 
office-holders of the ancient city; as, likewise, the stand- 
ard measures of the present day, inclusive of the standard 
sturgeon, whose length limits that of such of this delight- 
ful fish as it is lawful for common fishers to take for their 
own behoof, — all in excess of the statutory dimensions 
being confiscated and devoured in the name of the Senate 
and People of Rome by the Fathers themselves. 

The old pots and vases above mentioned are also a 
part of the adornments of these apartments; but, above 
all, they hold the Bi'onze Wolf of the Capitol. This 
celebrated relic of the olden time shows a she-wolf 
standing in a posture of defiant vigilance, with the little 
Romulus and Remus ravenously sucking the milk of 
conquest; and it at once awakens the active interest of 
the beholder independently even of its claims on the 
score of antiquity and the legend it illustrates, for, while 
the maternal ferocity exhibited rather chills us, our hearts 
yearn with tenderness as we gaze on the little black, up- 
turned faces and little, rusty, outstretched arms of the 
poor, hungry innocents. A father of a family might well 
melt in sympathy with the touching picture; and, even 
I, contemplating the unwonted magnanimity of the wolf, 
was encouraged, and entertained a momentary thought 
of risking myself with a wife. Fearful have been the 
contests amongst the learned in the struggle to identify 
this image with all the images of wolves mentioned in 
ancient history. Some say it is that wolf spoken of by 
Dionysius and Livy. Some say nay, it is that wolf re- 
ferred to by vainglorious Cicero in detailing the marvel- 
ous works wrought in his consulship by the immortal 
gods — among the marvels a prominent one being the 
striking of the said wolf with lightning; and these point 
triumphantly to the marks yet visible, especially a frac- 
ture of the leg, as irrefragable proof of the solvency of 



288 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

their opinion. Some say, a.traiu, that it is neither of 
these wolves separately, but both of them conjointly ; 
and there are not wanting others who say that the frac- 
ture of the leg was not clone by lightning at all, but is 
attributable to the natural frailty of legs under undue 
stress and pressure. Dense-brained and thick-headed 
men have gone mad and burned to tear the eyes out of 
their adversaries' sockets for misuse of their vision in 
discussing this momentous topic; sure, therefore, it is 
not meet for me to say what I think of it. 

On the opposite side of the square from the Palace of 
the Conservators is the Museum of the Capitol. This is 
filled with statues, busts, altars, sculptures, sarcophaguses, 
inscriptions, urns, vases, nondescript stones, and such 
like, in mass and pulverized, too numerous and diverse 
even to be mentioned. I will specify only that renowned 
w^ork, the Dying Gladiator, so called — he that Byron saw 
before him lie. He has a rope around his ueck, and a 
horn is near his hand. He is down and about to die, but 
he holds himself up for a little while. In all respects 
the attitude and expression of the figure are most truth- 
ful. There is no difference of opinion amongst the critics 
concerning this statue except the everlasting and inevi- 
table one as to what it is intended to portray. Our fathers 
died in the absurd belief tliat it was a dying gladiator, as 
its name betokens ; but we, wiser in our generation, have 
positively settled it to be an expiring Greek, a herald by 
profession, — as witness his horn. There can be no manner 
of doubt that our children will establish it on an immov- 
able basis to be something else, — as witness the rope. I 
know nothing better fitted to impress the salutary lesson 
of the mutability of human affairs than these Roman 
relics. As we meditate upon their transversations from 
age to age and year to year we are irresistibly borne 
down by the overwhelming realization that this is, indeed, 
a world of change, and that, of a verity, not anything is 
certain. 

I had a vehement yearning for a sight of the Tarpeian 
Rock, the brink of the Roman rebel's last ditch, which it 
is claimed is somewhere in this neighborhood. More 
complaisant than usual, the guide showed me two of 



OF A DOCTOR OF mYSIC. 289 

them. The one I saw to most advantage was approached 
by raiding into some man's back-yard, and to his manifest 
surprise. He came forth and stared hard at me, and so 
did his wife and family of small children. Under their 
rigid surveillance, I stretched my neck and gazed dili- 
gently up as directed ; but, if I saw anything, I have 
forgotten what it looked like. 

In the valley at the foot of the Capitoline Hill was the 
Roman Forum, occupying the site now called — alas, for 
the degenerating power of time ! — the cow-lot {campo 
vaccina). It is inexpressibly mournful to think of this 
degrading change of nomenclature, and it becomes yet 
sadder as we feel that this example proclaims what may 
in the lapse of time be the fate of our own high places. 
How lamentable is the apprehension that in future ages 
the site of our own most glorious Capitol may be known 
as the ass-fold ! — and yet, who can doubt the reasonable- 
ness of the fear? Somewhere in this cow-lot — but the 
antiquaries have whipped the boundary marks hither and 
thither so often that nobody knows exactly where — the 
Clays, and Websters, and George Francis Trains of the 
period thundered ; and in this cow-lot the Sovereign 
People again and again assembled to pass resolutions, 
adopt platforms, nominate candidates, and save the coun- 
try ; and since an assembly of the Sovereign People has 
been the same thing from the foundation of the woiid to 
the present epoch, we cannot question that over and over 
again, in expressing the sense of the meeting, the families 
residing in the vicinity were howled into distraction, lamps 
demolished, stove-pipes torn down, and the lot inundated 
with tobacco-juice. The Sovereign People, or some other 
malign agency, has made a thorough wreck of it, and no 
man now is certain of the location of anything excepting 
the Signors Roriborialli and Pochinozi and their disci- 
ples, who, indeed, know everything, but, unfortunately, 
are as diametrically as the poles opposed in their knowl- 
edge. A few battered and time-worn columns and frag- 
ments of stone, giving forth ambiguous responses to his 
questioning, are all that remain for the general observer 
to note, but the bare place itself is all-sufficient to evoke 

25* 



290 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

recollections which will speak to him with an eloquent 
power that needs no visible aid to enforce it. 

From the Forum we may pass to that other and stu- 
pendous wreck, the Coliseum. Despite the demolitions 
and neglect to which this enormous structure has been 
so long subjected, and the fact that time after time, for a 
space of nearly two centuries, its walls were resorted to 
for building materials, a third of it yet remains to startle 
the mind with the idea of what it must have been when 
it stood in all its vastness and splendor. It covers an 
area of almost six acres, and, as was the case with 
amphitheatres generally, is elliptical in form, the arena 
being two hundred and seventy-eight feet long in the 
greater diameter and one hundred and seventy-seven in 
the lesser. As applied to the whole building these di- 
mensions become five hundred and eighty-four and four 
hundred and sixty-eight feet respectively. It has four 
stories, three of them formed of arches, and with a tier of 
seats to each story, and it is stated that it could accommo- 
date eighty-seven thousand persons. 

The performances here were inaugurated by Titus with 
a brilliant season extending over more than three months. 
His exhibitions on this opening occasion were gotten 
up with a lavish expenditure of money and beasts, five 
thousand of the latter having been disbursed. His suc- 
cessors were not behind him in zealous catering for the 
public amusement. Under their management lions, bears, 
boars, elks, zebras, ostriches, and men were kept contin- 
ually fluttering, fussing, and fighting in the arena. But 
while slaughter was their ultimate aim they made some 
effort to have it done in a scientific and aesthetic manner. 
With this view they brought into requisition what little 
mechanical art the rapidly degenerating period could 
afford. Thus, at times, they had the arena set forth with 
an artificial forest, that the animals might feel at home 
and so be nerved to the acme of conibativeness by the 
beguiling thought that they were striking for their altars 
and their fires. At another time the vast space was 
transformed into a lake, on whose surface a ship would 
ba made to sail, so contrived that it would presently open 
and turn out a multitude of ferocious monsters, mortal 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIYSW. 291 

enemies of one another, and then shutting itself up 
quietly, move oif, leaving them adrift to settle it amongst 
themselves. 

From all accounts the slaughter of varmints at these 
exhibitions must have been prodigious. But the prime 
attraction was the gladiatorial combats. At times 
the sacrifice of men almost vied with that of animals. 
The emperor Probus set three hundred pairs of fencers 
to fighting, and kept them at it to the death. But while 
the recollection of these things stirs the mind of the 
traveler as he treads the arena, most impressive of all 
is the knowledge that these walls have witnessed the 
agony and this earth has drunk the blood of countless 
Christian men and women ; and he will not resist the 
feeling of reverence and thankfulness excited by the sight 
of the cross that rises in the midst to consecrate the place 
where they w^ere butchered to make a Pagan holiday and 
show the triumph of the faith for which they died. 

For four or five hundred years the Coliseum continued 
the scene of these disports with man and beast. Many 
of the animals that figured in the lists were of a sort sel- 
dom seen in Rome, and of which very little was known; 
hence it has been reasonably surmised that these shows 
were countenanced by the respectable and intelligent 
portion of the community purely with a view to the fur- 
therance of the study of natural history — ^just as in our 
day many irreproachable Christian ladies and gentlemen 
attend the menagerie-circus altogether, as is well known, 
to perfect themselves in zoological knowledge. When at 
length an itinerant preacher, bent upon doing good out of 
season, was slain in the arena, whither he had penetrated 
for the purpose of admonishing a couple of red-hot gladi- 
ators on the impropriety of their conduct, the sentiments 
of the authorities underwent a radical and most salutary 
change, and the brutal exhibitions were forever abolished. 
The glory of the Coliseum having no longer any patron 
to foster it departed, and the building itself was left to 
battle unaided against the assaults of time. 

One of the most celebrated relics of ancient Rome is 
the Pantheon, remarkable alike for its architectural beauty 
and grandeur and for its invincible tenacity of existence 



292 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

under the persistent eiforts of man and the elements to 
destroy it. Fire, water, wind, and dirt have exhausted 
their malice upon it, and it has time and as^ain been 
robbed of its metal- and marble-work by Goth, Vandal, 
and Pope. Houses have been built against it and shan- 
ties in it, and the architects of these hovels scrupled not 
to break away any part of it that interfered with the 
symmetry of their edifices. Yet, it has withstood all 
this. Its beauty has in all ages commanded for it pro- 
tectors and adorners, each one protecting and adorning 
it according to his own notions of how this should be 
done, the consequence beii»g an awful conglomeration of 
styles and tastes. It has withstood all this, too; and 
now remains the best preserved as well as one of the most 
imposing of the ancient structures. 

In the Pantheon are the tombs of several noted artists. 
It had been stated for a long time that the bones of the 
illustrious painter Raphael rested here, — all except his 
skull, which was preserved and exhibited with religious 
veneration by the Academy of Fine Arts, otherwise of St. 
Luke. The antiquaries, however, were not satisfied with 
this statement, and they proceeded diligently to work to 
investigate and rectify the matter. The upshot of this 
rectification was that men's minds were so unhinged that 
common people knew not what to believe about it. As 
for the antiquaries themselves, of course there was no 
cloudiness in their ideas, — one set being as certain as 
that they were alive that Raphael was buried there, and 
the other being as sure as that they would die that he 
was not, — and under these respective convictions they 
argued powerfully with each other. 

There is nothing more deplorable than disputes be- 
tween learned men, for it is impossible to set a limit to 
the evil that directly and indirectly springs from them. 
On the present occasion the most honorable Society of 
Antiquaries contrived, unwittingly I am sure, to deal 
so grievous a blow upon a sister society as to leave it 
sore and touchy even to this day. 

The admirable science of Phrenology was then in its 
infancy and eagerly seeking facts in every quarter to 
sustain itself. It had ransacked all the anatomical rau- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHTSIC. 293 

seunis in Europe, and fingered every skull it could lay 
its paws on. It had pounced upon Raphael's in the 
Academy of St. Luke among the very first, and to its 
joy found it to yield absolutely irrefragable proofs of the 
soundness of its doctrines. Had there been given to it 
power to make a painter's skull in perfect accordance 
with the principles of the new philosophy it would needs 
have modeled it identically after this one. There was 
the bump of Ideality to conceive the subject, of Form to 
limn it down artistically, and of Color to daub it glow- 
ingly, — all as prominent and bulgy as if they had been 
raised by the thump of a ten-pound muller. Nothing 
was ever seen more conclusive, and the advocates of 
Phrenology held the skull aloft in triumph, and the 
opponents turned their eyes from it in dismay. 

Now it fell out at last that the functionaries of the city 
became so worked up, bewildered, and uneasy, through 
the argumentation of the antiquaries that to calm their 
nerves they were impelled to open the reputed tomb and 
settle the dispute by ocular inspection. It was knocked 
to pieces accordingly, when behold ! there lay Raphael, 
skull and all ! — and all susceptible of identification beyond 
the shadow of a doubt even of an antiquary. We may 
well suppose that the academicians of St. Luke were 
distressed by this unhappy annihilation of their ven- 
erated relic ; but how can we realize the feelings of the 
unfortunate phrenologists, the innocent victims of a mis- 
erable wrangle in which they were never implicated! 
And will it be believed, that on top of this enormous 
injury, which, as I have said, I am willing to think 
unintentional, the antiquaries have actually gone to 
work and wantonly proved that the academical skull 
belonged to a man with really next to no gifts at all ! 

When an old Roman had done with the business of 
the Forum and the pleasures of the Coliseum, and his 
days were numbered, it was a great point with his rela- 
tions and friends to have him decently interred ; and 
there are numerous monuments remaining to show how 
sumptuously and substantially those who died seized of 
much possessions were laid away. But Time the Ever- 
lasting Gnawer, beneath whose adamantine fangs even 



294 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

files give away, has made havoc with these grand mau- 
soleums. Of the majority of them scarce more than a 
vestige is left. Some have come to base uses, as that of 
Augustus, where ouce reposed the ashes of many a 
mighty and honored personage, which has dwindled 
away, degenerating as it dwindled, first into a fortress, 
then into a bull-ring, and now what is left of it is em- 
ployed as an exhibition hall for acrobatic feats on the 
tight-rope and jim-crow performances. The tomb of Ha- 
drian, likewise, was put on a war-footing at an early 
period, the statues which adorned it having been used as 
ammunition against the heads of Gothic besiegers, and 
it has remained a military stronghold ever since, being 
the Castle of St. Angelo of the present day. What has 
become of its original owner it would be hard to say, but 
Pope Innocent II. laid violent hands on his porphyry 
ash-urn and made off with it for his own behoof. Of all 
these sumptuously-lodged defuncts Caius Cestius has 
been much the most fortunate in his tomb, for his exec- 
utors were men well versed in sepulchral architecture, 
who had it built in the fashion of a pyramid, whereby its 
stal)ility under the destroying operation of natural agen- 
cies was provided for, and upon a plan that afforded no 
facilities for diverting it from its legitimate purpose, 
whereby mischievous interlopers were kept out. As a 
consequence it stands in good order and well-conditioned 
to this day. As for Caius himself, as of Cheops, his illus- 
trious predecessor in a pyramid, not a pinch of dust re- 
mains, and so of all the rest of those rich and honored 
men — their urns are empty. 

One of the most interesting of the tombs is that of 
Caecilia Metella, wife of Crassus, situated about two miles 
from the city on the Appian Way. It remains almost 
perfect, at least externally. It, too, was at times held as 
a fortress, for which its construction was well adapted, it 
being in the form of a circular tower, and built with ex- 
treme solidity and strength. The garrison surmounted 
it with a battlement, which still exists to show the war- 
like purposes it has subserved. To some it may seem 
in a measure unbecoming to be brawling and fighting in 
a woman's grave, but we survivors of our own war, of 



OF A DOCTOR OF FIIVSIC. 295 

both political complexions, to whom was occasionally 
vouchsafed the unsjieakable mercy of contending with 
the enemy from behind the tombstones in a graveyard, 
will ask for time to consider before expressing an opinion 
on the point. I went in and inspected the interior of the 
structure. There was nothing to see. but a round hole 
filled with rubbish. In coming up out of the hole I was 
waylaid by two vicious old women, M'ho sternly de- 
manded to be reimbursed for the sight I had taken ; but 
holding that every man has an inalienable right to de- 
scend into the tomb gratis, I put myself in a posture of 
offense and fought my way through them. 

Besides the famous monuments of antiquity of which 
I have now made mention, there are numerous others at 
Rome, — arches, temples, columns, palaces, circuses, aque- 
ducts, baths, sewers, — which I must ignore lest I should 
be tempted to say too little, or else too much of them, 
and so endanger this beau-ideal of travel-books by the 
reproach of plagiarizing the plain preciseness of the house- 
for-sale advertisements, or the ornate sentiment of the 
Young Lady's Select Extracts. A word or two about 
that melancholy chaos, the Palace of the Caesars, and I 
have done. 

Begun by Augustus, the palace was enlarged, con- 
tracted, remodeled, and transformed in various ways by 
succeeding emperors, till Nero hung up his fiddle and his 
bow, after burning it down, as they say, and started it 
afresh, when it attained its acme, being made to take in 
an immense extent of ground. Then it became one of 
the most sumptuous of edifices. He formed of it a grand 
treasure-house, inestimably rich, where wei'e gathered the 
most precious productions of his empire. Of this " Golden 
House," as it was rightly called, the visitor will now 
behold hardly more than its primordial atoms that make 
the dust beneath his feet; and if he be a thoughtful man 
will gladly turn away his eyes from the sad spectacle, 
and, approaching the verge of the mount, relieve his bur- 
dened mind by contemplation of the extensive and im- 
pressive prospect that the point commands. Among the 
edifying objects included in the range of vision he may 
mark the gas-works and the Circus Maximus — a spot 



296 TIIF. BOOK OF TRAVELS 

full of tender reminiscences, for here occurred the gob- 
bling up of the Sabine virgins. Truly, he may as well 
look afar as near, for very little satisfactory knovA'ledge 
will he get from peering at the Palace of the Caesars. 

The wrecks and crush of matter here scattered round 
past all identification have, of course, given rise to quan- 
tities of surmises, and we are constantly told that this 
dirt pile is supposed to be so-and-so, and that, thus-and- 
so, — but always with an air to impress us that the sup- 
position is merely a modest mode of expressing a well- 
settled fact. Naturally, this has been a great battle- 
ground of Roriborialli and Poehinozi the aforesaid. Peter 
Hose, otherwise Sign or Pietro Rosa, one of the most 
distinguished followers of Poehinozi, now holds absolute 
possession of the heights, and with consummate skill he 
has intrenched himself against all prospective assailants 
by the singularly efficacious plan of staking the place all 
over with sign-posts bearing his own designations, which 
are faced and strengthened with formidable references to 
the ancient writers. 

For terseness and beauty, and no less for accuracy, no 
description of these ruins can equal Byron's comprehen- 
sive summary : 

" Cypress and ivy, weed and wallflower grown 
Matted and massed together, hillocks heaped 

On what were chambers, arch crush'd. column strown 
In fragments, choked up vaults, and frescos steep'd 
In subterranean damps, where the owl peep'd 

Deeming it midnight: — Temples, baths, or halls? 
Pronounce who can ; for all that Learning reap'd 

From her research hath been, that these are walls — 

Behold the Imperial Mount! 'tis thus the mighty falls." 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 297 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

Of Rome m its Modern Relations ; its Squares, Fountains, Picture- 
Galleries, Palaces, etc.; including Short Disquisitions on Art and Co- 
tenancy — Of certain Great Rejoicings going on thereat, and a Vision 
of the Woman of Babylon — Concluding with the Sorrowful Story of 
good little Santj' Tudwolley. 

Some of the Soverei,s;'n Pontiffs during their domination 
in the City of the Ctesars have suffered the ancient 
monuments to go quietly along to decay ; some have 
vigorously assisted them on the road to ruin; but many 
have generously stretched forth their hands and inter- 
posed to stay the cruel ravages of time. Besides looking 
after the old city, the more enlightened Pontiffs have paid 
some attention to the new. In their efforts tbey have 
had the powerful co-operation of the French, who at 
different times have associated themselves with them, 
souietimes as their very efficient friends and sometimes 
as their very disagreeable tormentors. This singular 
nation, as is well known, has an incurable penchant for 
fixing up and tricking out every people they overwhelm. 
The moment they have finished demolishing a place they 
set to work to bedeck it in the most tasteful manner, — a 
trait in which it must be confessed they display a deli- 
cacy and refinement of sentimeut akin to that wliich im- 
pels us to strew flowers upon graves. The Pontiffs, as is 
fit, have confined themselves mainly to the religious 
improvement of the city, — that is, they have built and 
repaired vast numbers of churches ; while the French 
have directed their attention mostly to secular matters, 
such as the laying out of squares, walks, etc., and the 
promotion of the public health and comfort. 

One of the squares much indebted to the French for 
its improvement is the Piazza del Popolo, and this being 
close to my abode was the one I most affected while I 
sojourned in Rome. It is situated at the edge of the 
modern city, in that quarter which foreigners generally 

26 



298 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

occupy, and at the foot of the Pincian Hill, which con- 
noisseurs in the sublime and beautiful ascend to see the 
glorious orb of day decline in the west. From one side 
radiate three streets, whose vistas the eve can take in 
at the same glance — the centre one being the celebrated 
Corso, which, commencing its career under the sanctify- 
ing influence of a church at each initial corner, proceeds 
for a mile or more till it stops at the Capitol. The right- 
hand one of the trio goes to the classic yellowish-dirt- 
colored Tiber, only a short distance off, and the other 
penetrates into the depths of the city. The great object 
of attraction, however, presented by the piazza is the 
Egyptian obelisk towering in the midst of it, which ori- 
ginally belonged to the Temple of the Sun at Heliopolis, 
but which was brought to Rome by Augustus, as here- 
tofore mentioned. Since his days it had fallen and become 
buried, but it was dug up and re-erected in this place by 
one of the Popes in 1587. It is cut from red granite and 
is about a hundred and twelve feet high, and is liberally 
bepictured with hieroglyphics. As appears from an in- 
scription upon it, Augustus when he set it up dedicated 
it afresh to the sun; but the Popes have abrogated and 
nullified this heathenish proceeding completely and con- 
firmed it to our faith by planting a cross firmly on the 
apex. 

In former days, and more particularly in former nights, 
this square was a most abominable place. It was well 
known then, though the lapse of time has caused it to be 
not so well known now, that the reprobate Nero was 
buried here under a big chestnut-tree ; and we have the 
best authority for saying that bis grave was a famous old 
doggery for sundry old crony evil spirits of his, where 
they used to meet to kick up and carouse, and that citi- 
zens passing thereby were incessantly holloed at, made 
fun of, and insulted by these unprincipled rowdies. The 
citizens complained of this thing very much, representing 
to Pope Pascal, that it was a shame, now that the city 
was regenerated to the true faith, for Christian people to 
have their feelings hurt in this way by a gang of low- 
l)red heatliens. Pope Pascal said he agreed with them, 
and would see if he could not put a stop to it. Accord- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 299 

ingly, be marshaled his ecclesiastical army, equipped it 
with crosses, holy-water, and axes, and sallied forth iu 
battle array against the enemy's tree. With his own 
hands he made the first dig at it, and the rest seconding 
him powerfully, in a little while the tree was demolished 
root and branch; and then something underneath it that 
looked very much as if it were Nero's ashes being hauled 
out, uplifted, and slung harum-scarum in the air, the work 
was done. The evil spirits, appalled by this majestic 
exhibition of the indignation of a righteous people, got 
away from there as fast as they could, and have never 
been back since. The spot was purified and an altar 
erected upon it, — and this was the beginning of the pres- 
ent church of Santa Maria del Popolo. 

Many of the squares are furnished with fountains, 
which are, indeed, very numerous, and form a conspicu- 
ous feature of modern Rome. Some of them are of very 
elaborate design, and, as a general thing, the more show 
they make the less the taste they display. A few are 
harmonious and imposing, and not a few are incongruous 
and tame. They all utter forth a sufficiency of water, 
of whose detergent properties there is no reason to doubt, 
and it is a pity and a shame that more of it is not made 
use of. 

It would be well worthy of reprehension were I, while 
treating of the existing characteristics of the Eternal 
City, to utterly ignore the galleries of paintings for which 
Rome is renowned and which make such a figure in the 
writings of my masterly predecessors. But, in truth, 
after all, the most I feel authorized to do is to give them 
a mere mention — an honorable mention. Whether I am 
actuated by real ignorance of art-matters, or only by 
false modesty in thinking myself ignorant, — whether by 
one or the other, — I have hitherto strongly intimated, 
and, in fact, said in so many words, and do now repeat 
most emphatically, that I know nothing about such 
things. It is, methinks, a little anomalous that this is 
so, for I am certainly not deficient in the poetic faculty, — 
as witness my " Lament^' oi\ receiving full thirty-nine 
lashes for disorderly demonstrations in the school-house ; 
nor do I lack imagination, for I have seen a good quality 



300 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

of ghost. It is so, T believe, nevertheless. Doubtless it 
is unwise in me to make this acknovvledgment. I should 
do as many an eminent critic has done before me — im- 
agine inconceivable beauties in this picture, and point 
out imperceptible defects in that, and do it in high- 
sounding mystical technicalities. I should do this, and 
I am honestly certain that I could do it as effectively and 
with as much of the semblance of genuineness as most 
of the dilettanti; and you maybe sure I would do it, 
but that I am a plain, honest man, wanting in discreet- 
ness and worldly wisdom, — as you will readily credit 
when you know that I am poor — dog-poor. I looked at 
all the masterpieces because I fully realized that it was 
my solemn duty to do so, and I have never shirked my 
solemn duty. Not entirely comprehending what I was 
expected to do or how I ought to feel, I conscientiously 
imitated those who were proficient. I saw the experts 
plant themselves before a picture, generally of a woman, 
— the men delineations, even when saints and martyrs, 
were not so much stared at, — fold their arms, drop into 
a catalepsy, and gaze, and gaze, and gaze, for untold 
minutes. I cannot doubt that this proceeding gave them 
pleasure, for to think one's self pleased is to be pleased ; 
but I was not able to delude myself to the same extent. 
On adjusting my legs, arms, eyes, and hat to the ortho- 
dox positions, it would presently befall that my nether 
jaw would be irresistibly hauled away from its fellow, 
and then a cubit would seem to be added to my stature 
by the malignant elongation of a tit of the stretches. 
This peculiarity of impression made upon me by art- 
treasures was occasionally marked by some deep-dyed 
connoisseur, and with an air which showed that his 
mind was not altogether at ease about it; still, this cir- 
cumstance did not deter me from discharging my duty, — 
though, indeed, I discharged it with all seemly baste, 
and having done it came away with a great buoyancy 
of feeling, such as one alM^ays experiences when he has 
manfully acquitted himself of an obligation. 

To the wealth of pictures and sculptures left us by the 
old masters more is being constantly added. New 
masters and mistresses, too, from all the quarters of the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSrC. 301 

globe turning- Romewards like needles to the pole, are 
now camped there in droves, all daubing and chipping 
away for immortality. Their mode in general is to con- 
ceive an idea, please Heaven they can do so, or, if they 
cannot, to lay hands on one conceived by Shakspeare or 
Milton, or some other fertile man, and then hire some- 
body to materialize it. The daubers, it is true, from the 
peculiar requirements of their specialty are mostly under 
stress to do their own daubing ; but the chippers can 
readily procure professional stone-masons to chisel out 
anything they can imagine. It is a source of national 
pride to know that a very great many pounds and yards 
of the productions of the new masters are secured for the 
galleries of our own country, — for there is no such patron 
of the arts as an American w^hen he has got himself free 
of the sordid necessity of working for a living ; and it is 
pleasing to add that he becomes an unprejudiced patron, 
encouraging the arts for their own sake alone — any lump 
of stone that is symmetrical, and any bundle of canvas 
that is pictorial, eliciting his favorable consideration — a 
remark that I must, however, limit to some extent by the 
qualification that the lump be hewn and the bundle be 
smeared in Italy — Home of Art. 

The new masters are a most amiable and affable set 
of people, perfectly willing to receive visitors at tlieir 
studios and to listen to commendations of their works. 
I paid my respects to several of them, and can speak 
highly of their urbanity and readiness to unveil their 
treasures and whirl them about on revolving pedestals 
for my satisfaction. I also gratefully acknowledge the 
edifying insight I obtained into the manufacture of 
statuary by inspection of myths in their inchoate state 
of mud, and in their advanced condition of plaster of 
Paris. Some of their finished pieces were really very 
beautiful. At one or two studios I noticed several 
works on the stocks which had been ordered by certain 
patriotic citizens of our land, who, fearful lest the remem- 
iarance of the late aggravating rebellion might die out 
from among men, had taken steps to perpetuate the 
recollection thereof in marble. Mr. Lincoln figured co- 
lossally at one place in plaster of Paris, depictured with a 

26* 



302 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

copy of the emancipation proclamation on his knee and a 
vast reed pen u})lilted in his hand, and with an air of the 
profoundest preponderation upon his countenance — show- 
ing that he well merited the title of "Honest Old Abe" 
by the careful deliberation he exercised before disposing 
of so many million dollars' worth of other folks' property. 
If I were to say of this mass of plaster that it is a hard- 
looking production, the assertion would be attributed to 
partisan prejudice ; or, were I to say that it is admirable 
in conception and faultless in execution, 1 would not be 
trusted, for I have already confessed my unfitness to 
pronounce on such matters. I will, therefore, say nothing 
— and the more willingly because I understood that when 
the embodiment should be perfected it would be planted 
on the top of a house high enough to enable it to hold its 
own against all adverse critics who did not resort to the 
mean advantage of bringing it down with a spy-glass. 

Rome is richly supplied with palaces, wherein reside 
the over-plentiful magnates of the land. These magnates 
while very illustrious are also usually very economical, 
contenting themselves with a few of their ancestral halls 
for their own use, and renting out the rest as lodging- 
places for mankind, as well as stables for brutish beasts. 
As I have tested by experience, the abiding of sundry 
and distinct persons and animals in the same house does 
not inure to the highest development of that house. 
When, in the earlier days of my professional career, I had 
my office under the same roof with Mrs. Wodkins, — 
with Mr. Wodkins, commonly spoken of as the poor, old 
afflicted creature by Mrs. Wodkins, — with John Bunyan 
AVodkins and Patsy Geliny Wodkins, their son and 
daughter, — with Mrs. Ramshorne, otherwise the Old 
Reprobate; so invariably styled by Mrs. Wodkins, who 
waged everlasting war with her, on account of her 
belligerent and aggressive nature, — with Mrs. Rams- 
horne's small son and cat, — with Madam Oliphant, 
always called Elephint by Mrs. Wodkins, Astrologist, 
Phrenologist, and Ladies' Botanic Physician, — and with 
many more besides of lesser note, I well remember that 
the pulverization of window-glass, the deplastering of 
■^alls, the transmutation of wash-boards and banisters into 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 303 

fire-wood, the volatilization of the tops of chimneys, the 
mysterious disappearance of the back porch bodily, etc., 
moved our landlord at last to take the extraordinary step 
of making- proclamation that whoso of his tenants would 
depart into some other habitation should have entire re- 
mission of his or her arrears of rent, — amountinp; in most 
cases to full two years, — and I remember further that 
this proclamation being derided and scouted, he was in 
the end obliged to sell the tenants along with the house 
to the highest bidder. Were it germane to the subject I 
might mention in addition the domineering of the terrible 
Old Reprobate over the feebler portion of the co-tenantry 
— especially her occasional overthrowing of poor, old 
afflicted Mr. Wodkins and frequent putting to flight of 
Mrs. Wodkins, as well as the intolerable hinderances she 
threw in the way of Madam Oliphant's quiet contempla- 
tion of the heavenly bodies on the house-top and of her 
peaceable prosecution of the study of the occult sciences 
generally ; the regular incursions of the police, and the 
weekly presentation of the premises as a nuisance ; the 
anguish of spirit of the landlord, helplessly beholding his 
}»roperty jumping to destruction; the flat denials of his 
integrity morally, and the indecorous likenings of him to 
unclean beasts physically; the shakings of fists in his 
face ; the threats of kicks and projection from the summit 
to the base of the stairs, and grievous maimings and 
disfigurements, and other despiteful entreatments to which 
he was subjected when, making bold, he ventured thither 
to ask for his just dues ; my own mortal and ever-present 
dread lest I should somehow become an unwitting victim 
of the universal anarchy around me ; the periodical 
ruination of the stock of Moses Vhroghenschticher, dry- 
goods and merchant tailor, occupying the store below, 
by the bursting of the water-pipes from overstufBng 
with old rags, potato-peelings, and such like ; and a 
thousand other evils and calamities that sprang from this 
heterogeneous congregation. All of these things I might 
mention but refrain, hoping hereafter to give some little 
account of them in a large volume. The Roman palaces 
with their variety of occupants, it is true, have not 
suffered as much as did our habitation under similar 



304 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

circumstances ; nevertheless, we find within them but an 
imperfect realization of the princely elegance and splendor 
which their grand and imposing exterior has led us to 
expect. 

The houses of Rome are generally tall, and the bal- 
conied window which is so much affected in Southern 
Europe is rife here. The majority of them are built in a 
plain but substantial style of architecture, such as in our 
newer country is approved of for jails. Some, however, 
are quite ornate, and tolerably free and airy. The 
streets are narrow and tergiversating, with scarce ever a 
sidewalk; and while I saw on them an overwhelming 
abundance of priests I met exceeding few beggars, — 
though there be some who would have us believe that 
these two classes of our fellow-creatures do increase and 
multiply parz pa.s8w. If the inhabitants engage in any 
heavy commercial transactions they do it in a very 
clandestine way, for their shops present a decided passiv- 
ity of aspect, the most prosperous of them apparently 
having less stock on hand and doing less business than 
one of our flourishing retail groceries. A perambulator 
about the city is obliged to conclude that Rome is dead, 
and that, unless his nasal organ be playing him false, she 
is rotten into the bargain. I would not speak aught of 
the afflicted but good. I deeply sympathize with the 
lone mother of dead empires and reverence her in her 
widowhood, and nothing would I utter that could anguish 
her aged brow. I therefore restrain myself and merely 
say that she is about the dismalest, nastiest, dirtiest, worst- 
flavored old hole 1 ever set foot in in all Christendom. 

At the period of my stay in Rome the city was in a 
notable state of commotion and jubilee. The perform- 
ances going on were part in honor of the saints and part 
in glorification of the Pope's own self, — certain great 
church festivals and fasts falling due at this time, and 
this also being the fiftieth anniversary of his Holiness's 
induction into the priesthood. Being myself a mere 
sojourner in the city and poorly skilled in churchly 
things, I found it difficult to discriminate between the 
divine and human phase of the ceremonies. I will, how- 
ever, give some account of them as far as they came 



OF A DOCTOR OF FIIYSIC. 305 

under mj observation, and let the reader determine 
which was which for himself. 

I have already in recounting my journey to the city 
made reference to the snap-judgment that was served on 
us in the matter of the illumination of St. Peter's by 
doing the lighting up on Saturday night instead of Sun- 
day night, as per mutual understanding. The most 
noticeable feature of the Sunday celebration was the 
shutting up of the shops. In addition to this, when 
night came, several street-lamps had the usual plain gas- 
jets substituted by ornamental burners giving circular 
and spiral lines of flame, and looking very pretty. Some 
churches, also, had a sprinkling of paper lanterns hung 
to their fronts, and a few other places were in a measure 
illuminated. On the whole, however, the exhibition was 
very partial and imperfect, and seemed to indicate a seri- 
ous diversity of opinion as to the intent and meaning of 
the programme. 

Monday was the great day. ihe Pope's army, con- 
sisting of a brigade or so of French troops, all turned 
out to be reviewed, marching hither and thither up and 
down the streets, with an immense quantity of martial 
music, and with all the vagabonds in Rome at their 
heels and the aristocracy, resident and foreign, ourselves 
included, chasing them up in carriages, — making an 
intolerable rumpus and giving a magnificent idea of the 
power of the church militant. They subsided about 
three o'clock and we had peace for the space of an hour 
or two. But at the end of this time the Pope set forth 
on his annual thanksgiving journey to the church of St. 
Agnes without-the-city, where he had been miraculously 
preserved in the going down of the floor thereof, as 
hereinbefore related. 

Immense crowds collected to do reverence to his Holi- 
ness in his progress. We ourselves went forth to see 
him. We proceeded some distance out of the city till 
we reached a part of the road where we could have an 
unobstructed view. There we stood alone — my com- 
panion, the guide, and myself — and waited. Presently 
came rushing by a cardinal in a red blnze, and then an- 
other, and another. Next there was a surpassing dust 



306 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

and to-do in front. And now, behold, the Woman of 
Baljylon herself has hoven in sight ! There she comes 
down the road, sitting upon a chariot drawn by four 
horses, and glorious exceedingly, being clad resplen- 
deutly in a white nightgown, clean shaven, and me- 
thought, of the semblance in a manner of the Hon. 
John Letcher, whilom governor of the Commonwealth 
of Virginia, though of a superior fatness. She came 
over green leaves strewed in her path, amid incantations 
intoned in Latin by a great multitude of orphan children 
collected in a choral band, and bestowing her benediction 
freely as she passed. As she neared us we removed our 
hats, and in return she stretched forth her hands and 
gave us a whole blessing to ourselves. Really wishing 
to testify ray respect in a becoming fashion, I did what 
was perhaps not the most rational thing 1 might have 
done, but the only thing that occurred to me on the spur 
of the moment— I uplifted my arm and in reciprocation 
of her benediction waved her the military salute, as I 
had been wont to wave it in my fighting days when 
doing honor to the magnates of the rebel host. We 
subsequently ascertained that on reaching St. Agnes' 
Church she was prevailed on to allow her toe to be 
kissed, but, unfortunately not being aware that this priv- 
ilege would be accorded we failed to pursue her, and so 
missed participation therein. She went her ways, and 
we went ours, and that night when we were ensconced 
in bed the fleas, drawn to our newly-sanctified carcasses 
in unparalleled numbers, fell on with thrice-envenomed 
tooth and wellnigh destroyed us from the face of the 
earth. 

That night there was a most gorgeous display of fire- 
works and illuminations. The partial exhibition of the 
preceding night was now completed in all its details, and 
much more than that had promised was done besides. 
All the street-lamps flamed in circles and spirals. The 
church-fronts generally were hung with paper lanterns, 
and so were numbers of the private buildings. Enor- 
mous frames representing facades of temples had been 
erected in the squares, and now had all their architect- 
ural features delineated by thousands of little lamps. 



OF A DOCTOR OF rilYSIC. 30t 

The fountains were in a blaze, and the obelisks were fes- 
tooned and wound from top to bottom with fillets of light. 
Ingenious and beautiful pyrotechnic devices were set off 
at various places both on the land and water, and on the 
Tiber especially, near our flea-ridden lodging-house, there 
was a grand farago of aquatic fireworks of peculiar 
splendor. The whole population was out to see the 
show, — the poor and rational on foot, tiie rich and irra- 
tional in carriages, — and the narrow streets were 
crammed, rammed, and jammed with people and vehi- 
cles. The city seemed freshened by the shower of light, 
everything was orderly and everybody was happy, com- 
paratively few persons were run over, and those who 
were shoved into the river, by virtue of the lowness of 
its banks, were pulled out readily. 

Other pageantries occupied the remaining days of the 
week, but their nature was mostly of a sort not easily 
grasped by the uninstructed mind. They were hidden 
mysteries to me, wherefore I shall not say aught con- 
cerning them. 

Much to my regret circumstances prevented me from 
cultivating the distant acquaintance I had formed with 
His Holiness when on his way to the church of St. 
Agnes. I therefore can give but little information re- 
specting him of my personal knowledge. But I have 
been assured by Englishmen — unexceptionable author- 
ities — who have been thrown in contact with him that 
he is one of the most amiable of men, — beaming, benev- 
olent, and waddling when he walks, and praying daily 
for the return of wandering Britain to the fold. His 
greatest fault is being too religious, despising worldly 
affairs altogether and setting his thoughts exclusively on 
heavenly things. Thus, he neglects Old Rome for the 
New Jerusalem, and cares not a copper how a citizen 
fares in the one so he can secure for him the freedom of 
the other, and if he gets it for him thinks the sooner he 
vacates his old and moves into his new quarters — why, 
the better for him. Hence he supplies his children abun- 
dantly with churches, and holds out inducements to any 
pestilence that wishes to settle amongst them, — paying 
all heed to the cleausiu"- of the inner man and none at 



308 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

all to the outer. The bulk of the children are, however, 
not sufficiently spiritualized to appreciate his motives. 
According- to their drossy conception of things the old 
man does not act well by them, and they meditate mis- 
chief against him. There is great and lamentable reason 
for surmising that but for the extraneous protection that 
has been thrown around him they would in their blind- 
ness turn unfilially upon the Holy Father and chase him 
out of their midst. 

I am now about to take leave of Rome, and in doing 
so let me, peradventure, shock my reader by the honest 
confession that I was very little affected by the sight of 
this renowned city, and have no vehement desire to see 
it again. How different would have been my feelings 
could I have trod its streets when I was some years 
younger — when my mind and heart were not so engrossed 
with the realities of the present as to be careless of the 
})hantoms of the past ! Amongst the saddest experiences 
of life are the changes of feelings and tastes that we un- 
dergo as we creep on in age, — made yet more sad, and 
unspeakably provoking withal, in that very commonly it 
happens so soon as we have lost a particular taste the 
means are thrust upon us for gratifying it. When I 
wanted to go to Rome, above all things in the world, I 
was utterly debarred from it ; now that I had no care 
whether 1 saw it or not I was surfeited with the sight of 
it. Sad, indeed, and, alas, ofttimes momentous, are these 
changes of taste wrought by the lapse of years, as an 
occurrence of this very day has brought forcibly to my 
mind, and the circumstances of which I yearn to relate ; 
for, albeit 1 tell a sorrowful thing, I yet in a manner am 
heartened by it, because I find in it assurance that this 
mournful alteration is not all of it in me alone. 

Many years ago, when I was treating good little Santy 
Tudwolley for the cholera-morbus, how well I remember 
with what delighted interest I used to sit and listen to 
the relation of his constancy and fervor in virtue's ways 
as recounted by his admirable mother. She told me how, 
awaking to a realizing sense of the exceeding enormity 
of sin in which he had l)een conceived and the appalling 
mass of iniquity in which he had been born, he had re- 



OF A DOCTOR OF FIIYSIC. 309 

cently become converted and joined the cliurch ; and also 
how, seeing- an inebriated fellow-creature sing-ing- songs 
of rejoicing and diincing the double-shutfle in the public 
highway, he had been moved to associate himself in 
brotherhood with the Sons of Temperance, and was now 
become the MostGrand Worthy Patriarch of all the junior 
divisions of the order in the district. She told me further 
of the horrible temptations and dreadful persecutions to 
which he was subjected on account of his religion — how 
his fellov\^-boys strove night and day to subvert his faith, 
cajoling, urging, and commanding that they might pro- 
cure him to utter the ensnaring word " mill-c/a??!," and 
how he held out steadfast, even unto hootings most dia- 
bolical, chastisings most intolerable, and the splitting of 
the back of his roundabout most irrejiarable. Moreover, 
she told nie how, for temperance' sake, he had forsworn 
apples, because of the cider that lurks within them, and 
how, when he learned from Kornstork's p]lements of 
Chemistry that alcohol was an inevitable concomitant in 
the making of light-bread, he had that instant renounced 
light-bread forever and taken to l)atter-cakes ; and, in- 
deed, it was this change of diet that had brought him 
under my care. It is impossible to describe how I was 
affected by the recital of these traits. What a future is 
before this extraordinary youth, thought I ! He will 
never go to Congress or disgrace himself in any way, 
but will become a blessing to his race, and will finally go 
down peacefully to his rest in the bosom of some cannibal 
in a beautiful far-off' isle of the sea, — a model and ex- 
ample for all the rising generation to imitate and follow. 
Nay, I debated with myself whether it miglit not be im- 
puted to me as something of righteousness to cancel my 
charges against so exemplary a patient. At any rate, I 
summoned all my skill, gave him double rations of cal- 
omel, and cured him with dispatch. 

Time has flown since then over poor mediocre me and 
good little Santy Tudwolley, and the revolving years 
have rolled to-day's newspaper into my hands. My eye 
falls upon this item in the local column : " Still at it. — 
St. John Gough, alia>i Grognose, Tudwolley, young in 
years but old in crime, was again before Ids Honor yester- 

27 



310 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

day for the fortieth time on the standing cliarge of being 
drunk and disorderly in the streets, cursing the officers 
in heaps, and trying to tear their uniforms oQ" their backs. 
He stated to the court that he had got liis liquor by cut- 
ting up his mother's family Bible and selling it to the bar- 
bers for shaving-paper. He is evidently a gone case, and 
sat during his examination very unconcernedly munching 
an apple, and with a large roll sticking out of his shirt- 
bosom. Our readers will remember that only recently he 
was arrested in the Rev. Dr. Fatpotrick's church, while 
that eminent divine was delivering his annual sermon on 
missions, for rising in the gallery and magnifying the 
heathen above his own Christian countrymen, wishing 
he was a P\^ejeean, and be-bounding that he would eat 
up every missionary that came to convert him. He 
is an excellent samjile of the abominable political horde 
witli which he associates; though if they intend to bring 
him out as their candidate for Congress, as is currently 
reported, they must do it on bail, for his Honor sent him 
to jail in default of security." 

On the whole, I perceive little to make a visit to Rome 
desirable, or, indeed, agreeable, but its associations. It 
oppresses the mind with the obtrusive marks of desola- 
tion. No invalid comjma mentis would think of it as a 
suitable residence, for the activity of nature and the pas- 
sivity of man are combined to make it a favorite dwelling- 
place for disease. None but the local doctors venture to 
speak in its behalf; and it may be that they — for even 
medical human nature is somewhat frail — speak thus to 
seduce sick men to come, knowing tliat a request for their 
services must needs be the consequence. Even these 
couple their commendations with a formidable list of pre- 
cautionary injunctions concerning sun, shade, wind, damp, 
etc. True it is that the Popes and high functionaries 
have found the climate reasonably wholesome ; but then, 
as is well known, office-holders are physiologically and 
pathologically an exceptional class everywhere, invariably 
living very long and dying very hard. 

My last day in the Eternal City was a dull and gloomy 
one, and my parting visit was to the Capitol and the 
Roman Forum ; and there, standing in the rain, 1 looked 



OF A DOCTOR OF mYSIC. 311 

and pondered. As I beheld the once omnipotent city, as 
she now lay prostrate before me, and contemplated her 
wrecks, her ruins, her decay, her degeneracy, and her 
dirt, I could not refrain from sorrowfully joining in the 
invocation of the poet to old Tiber — 

"Rise, with thy yellow waves, and mantle her distress." 



CHAPTER XX[y. 

Relates how we went from the Eternal City to Civita Veechia by Rail, 
and how we there took Sliipping for Marseilles — Of our Bark, her 
interior Economy, and how she was navigated to her Port, and the 
Quality of the Skipper thereof. 

We were now prepared to go. A few days before we 
had gone to reclaim our passports, which had been taken 
from us on our entry into the town, and been astonished 
to find that the Head of the Ciiurch, regarding us in the 
exalted character of holy pilgrims come to worship in his 
city, had graciously seen fit to discharge us of the accus- 
tomed dollar levied on reclamations of these documents, 
so that we parted on the best of terms with the Pope 
and his cardinals We had likewise gone to the office of 
the I-know-not-what great international steamship com- 
pany, whose vessels plied between Civita Veechia and 
Marseilles, and procured our tickets for that route. This 
corporation was somewhat unique. In the course of a 
tolerably extensive traveling experience it was the only 
transportation company I had ever known whose fares 
could be made a matter of bargain between them and the 
passengers. I would certainly as soon think of trying to 
beat down the tax-collector in his charges as to attempt 
to obtain a railroad or steamboat ticket below the adver- 
tised rates ; but this company, I was told, sold theirs at 
prices to suit the market, being always anxious to strilvo 
a trade, and offering great inducements to purchasers. We 



312 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

ourselves paid full fare, not being' aware of these facts at 
the time, but on the steamer became acquainted with 
passengers who had dealt with them on accommodating 
terras. 

On Sunday morning we hied away to the railroad 
station, and there got our hearts rankled and minds em- 
bittered at the outset. Baggage was charged as freight. 
My trunk was as heavy as lend, being fit to burst with 
packages of ruined temples and towers that I had been 
gathering all along, and the weighmaster rated it at the 
uttermost grain. Not only this ; for, unlike the steam- 
ship comi»any, the railroad authorities were straight-laced 
even to bigotry in adherence to their charges. After 
raking out of our pockets all the change we could scrape 
together, we yet lacked one poor, pitiful cent of the 
amount assessed against us ; and the miserable, old strict- 
constructionist holding dominion at the station rigidly 
refused to give us quittance till the one cent was forth- 
coming. The matter was aggravated terribly by the 
cnrsed necessity of having to discuss it in French. A 
real primitive Christian of a gentleman, standing by, 
seeing our tribulation, magnanimously gave us a cent, 
and so put himself everlastingly in our debt, for he mod- 
estly withdrew immediatel}'' after doing the benefaction, 
and we never did and never will see him again to pay 
him back. 

In the midst of showers we glided along through a 
trim-looking country for about two hours, stopping at 
eleven o'clock in an extensive mud-swamp, which proved 
to be the suburbs of Civita Vecchia. We now debarked 
in the mud, where we stood for a time up to our knees, 
at a mighty nonplus, for not a soul could we find who 
spoke English. Presently there came to us a desperate 
villain, tall and terrible to look upon, who proposed to 
take possession of us in French. He was too desperate, 
and tall, and terrible for us to demur at his proposition, 
so we suffered him to pack us into a carriage and take us 
to the town. He drove us all over it, took us to a hotel 
against our will, and sought to make us eat dinner in 
spite of our repletion with a recent breakfast; and when 
we summoned up sufficient courage to object to this, he 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 313 

wbisked ns off to the seashore, and there turned us out 
of the carriage, bag and baggage. The steamer, which 
was to touch here on her way from Naples, had not 
yet arrived, and we had nothing to do but to wait pa- 
tiently for her till she should come — the desperate villain 
sticking close to us and watching us all the time, and we 
watching him with an equal scrutin3^ 

It was excessively doleful. The wind was blowing 
cool, and the rain would come drizzling and pouring 
down upon us in frequent showers. There were a few 
solemn-looking vessels in the harbor for us to contem- 
plate, and a little pleasure-steamer belonging to some 
noble personage, which had been hauled up iu the mud 
and freshly painted, whose propeller we studied till we 
became smeared all over with cadaverous-colored paint. 
A few melancholy wharf-rats were lounging round, seek- 
ing how they might devour us. To mitigate the dreadful 
tediousness we now and then made short excursions into 
the town, one of us at a time, the other remaining with 
the baggage to act as a check upon the desperate villain 
and the wharf-rats. It is one of the meanest and most 
forlorn of little towns, — the last place iu the world where 
a man would choose to spend a rainy Sunday. It is 
enough to make a philanthropist weep to know that 
twelve thousand of his fellow-creatures are condemned 
to reside here. It is a conceited little hole, too, as I 
judge, from the fact that it is provided with fortifications 
— affecting to think that somebody might want to take 
it ; and above its towers fioat in amicable juxtaposition 
the flag of France and the banner of the Pope. 

When three miserable hours had crept away the longed- 
for steamer came and delivered us. She was a dirty 
little craft, all lumbered up with heterogeneous merchan- 
dise ill bestowed about the decks, which were begrimed 
with coal-dust, grease, and foul waters. The crew had 
more the look of brigands than of true mariners. We 
had a small quantity of freight to take on at this port, 
but the genius of this crew did not lie in the line of vessel- 
loading. Never did I see men do this kind of work at 
such wanton disadvantage. Unless I grievously mistake 
them, they had never done any loading before in their 

27* 



314 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

lives, except, forsooth, it were the loading of g-uns up 
among the hills. The captain himself was by birth and 
education a wiue-nierchant, but the owners of the ship 
conceiving an exalted opinion of his maritime capacity 
had secured his services as commander, — this being his 
first assumption of the responsibilities of navigation. 
With all his maritime capacity he was more distrustful 
of the water than I was myself, — and, of a verity, I had 
no overweening confidence in the element, — and he jumped 
with amazement whenever the ship gave an extra toss. 
He was of grave and sober port, as is proper to him who 
moves in apprehension of ever-impending shipwreck. At 
times, however, he would force himself to relax, and then 
would crack an awful smile, when his mouth looked like 
it had been mashed to pieces with a brick-bat. 

In this auspicious bark, then, we took passage for 
Marseilles. In three hours' time the brigand crew had 
done their twenty minutes' work of loading, the anchor 
was tugged up, and we were on our way. This was the 
turning-point in our travels. We had now fairly set our 
faces homewards, and we were glad of it. Driven away 
so frequently and so long by his malady my companion 
regarded home with more than ordinary affection, and 
was willing to forego everything in order to return to it 
at the earliest period consistent with prudence. The 
season was now sufficiently far advanced for him to hurry 
on with safety. As for me, I was surfeited with sight- 
seeing, and had, moreover, begun to be tormented with 
misgivings as to how far the machinations of my profes- 
sional brethren had carried them during my absence into 
the small and not over-resistent circle of patients I had 
left behind me. We, therefore, agitated not our minds 
with anticipations of further pleasure on that side of the 
Atlantic. Even Paris and London held out but slender 
inducements to us, and, like staid and knowing travelers 
who had happily passed beyond the point of astonish- 
ment and admiration, we were well inclined to go straight 
home and to get there as soon as might be. 

The sea was boisterous when we set out and soon 
became more so. When it seemed to have attained its 
acme, the master of the pantry sounded his bell and 



OF A DOCTOR OF PnVSIC. 315 

sumraoTied us to dinner. On board this vessel dinner 
was solemnized at half-past five and breakfast at ten, — 
nominally so, though in fact these hours were unscrupu- 
lously varied to facilitate the perpetration of that besetting 
crime of the navigators of these waters, the serving of 
meals on a high sea, — by which abominable device they 
seek to economize their provisions, and I regret to say 
generally succeed. On this occasion we were furnished 
with a very sumptuous feast, and the entire passenger 
list was represented at table. But ere the soup had 
given way to the fish an ominous discomposure was 
visible in our midst; soon evident marks of disgust 
appeared on the countenances of the guests everywhere 
around the board, and many rose and departed, — some 
with a becoming air of dignity and self-respect, but most 
of them abjectly and with precipitation. p]re the feast 
was half over not one remained except ray companion 
and myself and a tall, thin, weather-proof veteran of the 
seas. Our commander, too, though he looked very wild, 
and stretched his neck, and rolled up his eyes at every 
palpitation of the waves, stuck out manfully, slinging out 
his legs and holding fast to the head of the table, and 
even favoring us now and then with one of his mashed- 
mouth smiles, — his stomach maintaining its tone possibly 
by virtue of that pathological law which beneficently 
provides that fright and sea-sickness shall counteract one 
another. 

The passengers were a sickly, sentimental, reserved 
set, with no disposition to make acquaintance with each 
other. The tall, weather-proof one, however, was very 
sociable, being an enormous giggler and liable to fits of 
violent cachiunation from inappreciable causes. We 
communicated much with him, though the pleasure and 
profit of the communion was sadly interfered with by 
lingual obstructions. There were, fortunately, two young- 
Englishmen on board, and with them we became very 
intimate. They had been making a rapid holiday tour in 
Italy and were now returning laden down with great 
bundles of walking-sticks, masterpieces of modern paint- 
ers in tin canisters, and quantities of precious mementos 
of divers sorts. They were in great haste to get back, 



316 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

the elder one having to fQlfill a theatrical engagement at 
home as one of tiie dramatis personse in an amateur 
performance of " Boots at the Swan." He had the play- 
book with him, carrying it about in his hand, and study- 
ing it at every opportunity, but at great disadvantage, 
for he was wretchedly prone to sea-sickness, so that we 
apprehended he must ultimately throw up his part. He 
was mercilessly down on this steamer, pronouncing her 
blarsted, bloody, and deadly for her untoward influence on 
his digestive apparatus, — which influence he regarded as 
highly anomalous and marvelous, seeing that he felt 
nothing like it during a long cruise be made the preced- 
ing summer in a small yacht, and above all, seeing that 
he had come unscathed across that most baleful of all 
waters to a true Briton, the English Channel. He 
attributed his discomposure to a criminal understanding 
between the master of the pantry and the steersman by 
which the latter personage was to inflict upon the ship 
the singular jerks and twitches that tormented her, — 
though, in my opinion, he judged that functionary too 
harslily, for I am persuaded that no one on board was 
sufficiently conversant with the philosophy of steering 
either to cause or to cure these vexatious manifestations. 
The ensuing morning was ushered in with much 
bawling and confusion, growing out of the fact that there 
were no conveniences for ablution in the staterooms, but, 
instead, a public washing-tank in one corner of the cabin, 
where each washer in turn became frenzied with igno- 
rance how to dispose of his predecessor's dirty water or 
how to obtain clean for himself — all the waiters having 
disappeared to attend to matters of more importance — 
probably to assist in navigating the ship. The air was 
calm and the sea smooth, and the passengers generally 
were Iilled with peace and joy at the prospect of eating 
their breakfast in quiet — the two young English gentle- 
men being especially elated, for they were monstrous 
hungry. Never were confiding people more basely be- 
trayed. Ten o'clock came, but no breakfast. The ele- 
ments were not propitious. But as time wore on a 
favorable change of weather occurred. A stiff breeze 
began to blow and a heavy swell commenced to flow, 



OF A DOCTOR OF PITTSIC. 31 Y 

and then the tocsin sounded. The scene at dinner was 
repeated. There was the same happy gathering- together 
and sorrowful separation. The two Englishmen sat 
down but rose instanter, and going on the upper deck 
obtained a measure of comfort by poking their heads 
through the skylight, peering at their stouter-stomached 
companions, and showering down denunciations not only 
upon the ship but upon the victuals. 

On coming together when breakfast was finished to 
chat and smoke, as voyagers at sea are wont to do after 
meals, and comparing notes, it was ascertained that some 
villainies were perpetrated on this bark yet more heinous, 
if possible, than manoeuvring a man out of his provender. 
The Englishmen complained that in the dead of night 
some one entered their room with robbery in his heart, 
and when detected in the act of carrying out his fell 
intent sought to evade the consequences by declaring that 
he entered merely to close the diminutive window, — 
being driven by mortal dread that the ship might else 
founder through that aperture. Even worse than this, 
the stopper was drawn out of our medicine vial and full 
a pint of the invaluable medicament was swallowed down 
by the servitor of the stateroom. 

The commander was excessively assiduous in the dis- 
cbarge of his duty, posting himself determinedly on the 
lofty perch approj)riated to his use, and staring above, 
below, and all around with might and main. Whatever 
flaws nautical critics might think they could detect in his 
system of sailing, they would be compelled to acknowl- 
edge that he was eminently gifted with one admirable 
trait which is by no means universall}- possessed by more 
pretentious navigators — and that was cautiousness. He 
was thoroughly well aware that in the event of any 
disaster he must depend on the land for ultimate safely, 
and he sagaciously acted on the knowledge by keeping 
just as close to it as he possibly could, faithfully follow- 
ing all of its juttings and indentations, so that he was in 
condition to run the ship ashore at the first indication 
of a gale or other untoward occurrence. He secured 
another most important object by thus hugging the land. 
While it is likely that he would have been found in a 



318 TTIE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

measure deficient in the sublimated learning insisted upon 
by boards of naval examiners, he had a good share of 
that mother wit or hard common sense which so often 
proves an efficient substitute for laboriously acquired 
science. He had acumen sufficient to perceive that if he 
struck out straight for Marseilles, depending on the 
compass and sextant as the vain writers of books would 
have him to do, he would of a surety never get there ; 
at the same time he saw intuitively that if, on the con- 
trary, he coasted steadfastly along it was next to impos- 
sible for him to miss it. He coasted, therefore, all the 
way, never for an instant losing sight of land, and the 
event triumphantly vindicated the soundness of his per- 
ception. By this scheme of sailing the compasses were 
rendered of secondary importance and the helmsman was 
spared the introduction of an additional perplexity in a 
business already sufficiently abstruse, — still, they might 
have been made of considerable service, even under these 
circumstances, by those who knew how to use them. 
The usual complement of these instruments had been 
furnished to the ship by her English builders and stood 
up boldly on the deck on highly ornamental metal 
supports. They seemed to be regarded by our captain 
and crew as intended to give an air of finish to the vessel 
rather than for any practical purpose. They were there- 
fore allov^ed to remain, though much in the way, but no 
use was made of them except to lean against; and so 
the craft wobbled along, the bow pointing now to away 
over there, and then of a sudden whirling around to away 
over here. 

About half-past two in the afternoon of the first day 
out we were so fortunate as to get to Genoa, all safe and 
sound, though most of us very empty. We anchored in 
the harbor some little distance from shore. The crew 
went to sleep and all the passengers but my companion 
and myself went off to see the city. We were sight- 
worn and loth to put ourselves to the trouble of going 
ashore, notwithstanding that here Columbus is reputed 
to have been born. We had already seen where he was 
unequivocally buried, and that was enough for us. We 
therefore contented ourselves with what was to be seen 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIITSIC. 319 

from the deck of the vessel, and thought the city pre- 
sented a fine appearance, resting at the foot of a chain of 
liills. For three blessed hours we sat and gazed, solem- 
nized by the stillness prevailing on board and relaxed by 
the warmth of the weather, at the end of which time the 
crew woke up and went to work discharging and receiv- 
ing freight with a vigor not to be expected of them. At 
six o'clock we were oft" again. 

A glorious opportunity was here afforded to the master 
of the pantry to show the rectitude of his intentions, for 
the advertised dinner hour came while we were lying 
quietly in port, and, indeed, the repast was partly spread 
upon the board. He, however, cast his eye to seaward, 
and the sight of the beautiful billows rolling and tum- 
bling there was too much for his better impulses ; and, 
as usual, he stifled the utterance of his bell till we were 
rolling and tumbling amongst them. Some of the pas- 
sengers, tormented beyond endurance by the continual 
trifling with their feelings, had held it to be no breach of 
the etiquette of the table to anticipate the formal an- 
nouncement of the meal by clandestine nibl)ling of the 
crackers and pickles and walnuts while we were yet in 
harbor, — and it was as well they did, for there occurred 
the same old tumultuous rising as soon as they received 
lawful notice to sit down. 

We coasted quietly along all night, nothing unusual 
occurring, and next morning all rose wonderfully fresh- 
ened at the prospect of reaching Marseilles some time 
during the day. So marked was the tonic effect of this 
prospect upon us that though the incorrigible demon of 
the pantry again displayed his deviltry at breakfast, I do 
heartily rejoice to record that his machinations were 
niightily shorn of their power, only one woman, a man, 
and a child falling victims to them. 

Our commander was tremendously fidgety all this 
morning. He had every reason to believe that Mar- 
seilles was somewhere about, and armed with a spy-glass 
gazed into the heavens above and the waters beneath, 
almost straining his eyes out looking for it. The helms- 
man was scarcely less excited, causing the ship's bow to 
bob in and out till our track shone behind us as if made 



320 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

by the great sea-serpent. At length as we proceeded it 
befell that we got into a terrible quandary, which came 
near culminating in a disaster. A little island rose right 
in our way, and the quandary was whether to go inside 
of the island between it and the shore or outside of it. 
The latter was clearly the safer course j^*^")^ ^'^» '^ut then 
it would have carried us full two hundred yards farther 
from the mainland, — a venturous distance, which the 
captain was not inclined to risk if it could be avoided. 
As we drew nearer and nearer to the point where it was 
necessary to make choice between these alternatives the 
wobbling of the ship grew perfectly awful under the 
indecision of the captain and the steersman. As evil 
fortune would have it, just at this crisis a small sail-boat 
whipped around the little island. This raised our per- 
plexity to its acme on the spot. We wobbled worse 
than ever. And now the boatmen became perplexed, 
too, being confounded by our manner of steering and 
finding it impossilile to get out of our way, for no matter 
which direction they took they would see us coming right 
at them exactly as if we were aiming at their destruction 
with malice aforethought. And of a certainty we would 
have destroyed them, but that of a sudden the captain 
received a heaven-born inspiration to order the engine to 
be stopped and the helmsman simultaneously forbore to 
steer. 

At length we were happily delivered from the quan- 
dary, and the captain was again at liberty to direct all his 
genius to the search for Marseilles. He had manifestly 
hoped to get some insight into its whereabouts as soon 
as he should have cleared the island, but the air was 
hazy and it was nowhere visible. He now grew deeply 
depressed in spirits and seemed to be cogitating the pru- 
dence of sending a boat ashore to inquire where we were. 
But by-and-by on the distant horizon there appeared an 
extensive conglomeration of something that looked like 
houses. If that really be houses, reasoned the captain, 
it is possible that it is a city, and if it be a city it is 
probal»le that it is Marseilles. I will seek counsel in the 
matter. He theref(n'e summoned up on his lofty bridge 
one of the passengers — that tall, thin, weather-proof one, 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSW. 321 

— who in his time had already been to Marseilles, and 
besought him to resolve the question. The veteran 
stared strenuously through the captain's spy-glass, and 
deposed that that was certainly Marseilles, — and at once 
brought a glow of happiness over our commander's coun- 
tenance which irradiated that sober visage from ear to 
ear. In his gladness he actually abandoned the coast, 
turning sharply oft" from it and heading right across the 
dread expanse and through the mighty depths of ocean 
for the city. The captain was, however, yet imbued 
with his habitual caution and realized all the horror of 
that most melancholy of disasters — being wrecked in 
port. To diminish to the uttermost the chances of so 
direful a catastrophe, therefore, while we were yet a 
great way off" he caused the engine to be worked at its 
minimum and eternal vigilance to be observed fore and 
aft. In this way, exercising the most trying care and 
deliberateness in our every movement, we crawled along, 
and in the fullness of time were fairly inside the harbor. 

It oftentimes happens that the most uncertain and 
troublous period in the progress of an undertaking is 
when we are just about to put the finishing touch to it. 
So it was now. Our commander had been miraculously 
endued with unexpected wisdom as long as he had 
been going, but now that it was incumbent on him to 
stop he knew not where to do it. The quantity of ship- 
ping scattered about bewildered him grievously, and in 
his tergiversations among it he presently became so 
involved that he had to stop perforce, right or wrong. 
The pause att'orded him opportunity to make investiga- 
tions, and he found he was wrong, and that it \vas neces- 
sary for him to move to another locality. But he was 
afraid to evoke the slumbering power of the engine to 
aid him. He resorted to the somewhat slower but rather 
safer expedient of summoning all the idle boats that 
could be gathered together to tie on to the steamer and 
to tow her into her berth ; and in this graceful style, 
amid the groanings of the toilers of the sea, who tugged 
tremendously and vociferously, we gradually got to our 
allotted station. 

Under the influence of a temporary aberration of 
28 



322 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

memory the commander had the side steps promptly low- 
ered to permit the debarkation of his passengers, and the 
elder of the young English gentlemen, too eager to leave 
this wretched craft, was upon them immediately with his 
bundles of canes and canisters of the new masters. But 
the captain of a sudden recollected that he bad forgotten 
to attend to certain indispensable preliminaries with the 
people of the custom- house, and ordered the steps up 
again with a jerk, — to the utter amazement and disgust 
of the elder of the young English gentlemen, who per- 
ceived that himself and canes and new masters were 
being lifted back in an unpleasant and unseemly fashion 
to the abominated deck which he hoped he had quit 
forever. After awhile, however, the steps were let down 
in finality, and we were received in boats and conveyed 
ashore. To our infinite astonishment no charge was 
made for this transportation. This circumstance, together 
with the fresh and neat appearance of everything about 
us, and the quiet and systematic way in which affairs 
were conducted, so opposite to all our previous experience, 
constrained us to believe that of a truth we had at last 
got into Europe. We were thankful and took courage. 

A mighty cargo of people from Algeria had arrived 
just before us, and all the mind and strength of the 
custom-house was now concentrated upon them, so that 
we had to wait. But though it was full an hour and a 
half before our turn came we were not cast down, nor 
even measurably wearied, so buoyed up were we by the 
improved prosi)ects before us. When at length we were 
summoned to unpack, we were treated with exceeding 
courtesy and dismissed without loss or detriment. We 
were next bestowed into a capacious omnibus whose 
function it was to take us whithersoever we listed. The 
two English gentlemen and ourselves listed the Hotel of 
the Louvre and of Peace, and there we were deposited. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PlirsrC. 323 



CHAPTER XXV. 

A Brief Mention of the City of Marseilles, Hnd how Hostilities broke out 
between us and the Plotel of Peace — A Cursory View of Paris, inter- 
spersed with Episodic Observations upon, first, the Excellences of the 
Military Law; and second, the Inconveniences of Sunday-Clothes. 

We spent ouly a few hours in Marseilles, so that I am 
not in condition to say a great deal respecting it. We 
padded over as much of the place as we could in so short 
a space of time, and stared unremittingly in our wander- 
ings, and the result is that I esteem it a very handsome 
and pleasant city. The streets that we traversed were 
wide and shady and lined with fine houses. There was 
none of that stagnation of industry which we had so 
generally noted in our travels hitherto, and which is so 
oppressive to a man from our energetic land. Everybody 
seemed busy and everything wore a look of thrift and 
prosperity. And well might this be so, for its three 
hundred thousand people are earnest manufacturers of 
Fez caps, indefatigable smelters of lead, powerful express- 
ors of olive oil, furious constructors of steam-engines, and 
mighty makers of soap and sugar. 

We started for Paris in the eleven o'clock morning 
train along with the English gentlemen ; — but before 
leaving were so unlucky as to get involved in war with 
the powers of the Hotel of the Louvre and of Peace. 
Publicans, I have reason to believe, are pretty much the 
same all over Europe, especially in the more refined 
countries, this sameness being particularly pronounced 
in the matter of getting the last possible stiver out of 
their guests ; in which design they are materially favored 
by the preposterous system of charging for all those 
trivial comforts or necessaries that publicans in our coun- 
try would shudder to put in their accounts. All the 
charges of this Hotel of Peace were at regular war prices, 
ijesides that those which were legitimate were shame- 
lessly high, others were inserted in the bill purely 



324 ■ THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

constructively. Some of these last we took the liberty 
to dispute. Thus, we demurred to the three and seven- 
eighths wax bougies {Anglke steariiie candles) recorded 
against us, which we had not lighted, being, nevertheless, 
perfectly willing to be assessed one whole one by virtue 
of the eighth of it we had actually consumed. The clerk, 
however, a most independent and high-minded personage, 
sagaciously pointed out to us that the said bougies being 
set in our apartments thereby became our own property, 
• — that we had the option of doing whatever we chose 
with our own property, — and that, of course, we could 
not think of holding the house responsible because we 
had failed to make the most judicious use of it. This 
argument was unanswerable and we said no more. But 
furthermore, we saw ourselves mulcted for two glasses 
of cognac which we could by no means remember to have 
taken. The clerk essayed to lubricate our intellects on 
this matter, also, and in a decidedly more independent 
and high-minded manner than before. " Did not your 
English friends just now order liquor to be brought?" 
asked he, curtl3^ We admitted that they did. *'Did they 
not invite you to participate with them ?" asked he again 
yet more curtly. We admitted this likewise, but added 
that we had declined, having no relish for spirituous 
potations at that time. Said he in eifect, and very 
peremptorily, " It was brought for you to drink in accord- 
ance with the invitation ; if you refused, it was your own 
aflair. We did our part and will positively not be answer- 
able for the caprices of people." This argument did not 
strike us as being altogether as lucid as that concerning 
the bougies, and we proceeded to demonstrate its weak 
points. This led to a multiplicity of words, and he grew 
indignant at our low-mindedness and we waxed wroth at 
his high-mindedness and his incorrigible propensity to 
steal. It was a little thing pecuniarily, but was so much 
the greater psychologically ; for there is nothing more 
harassing to the mind tlian to be the subject of small 
piljeriugs. He persistently clung to his view of the case, 
and as he would not take the cognac off — why, we took 
the caudles off, — packed them up in our valises and took 
them clean out of France, leaving them with our conipli- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSW. 325 

ments at the first hotel we stopped at in England. This 
excellent counterstroke of ours cut the high-nnnded clerk 
to the very chine, for though the candles were our prop- 
erty purchased at his own price, he had the most flatter- 
ing hopes of being our legatee and selling them again 
many times over. So embittered did he become against 
us that he actually refused to bestow upon us a bottle of 
water to take on our journey ; wherefore we shook the 
dust of our shoes into his countenance and departed, 
invoking confusion to light upon the bureau of this place 
of Peace. 

At the railroad station so many kilogrammes, hecto- 
grammes, decagrammes, etc. weight of trunks and con- 
tents were accounted baggage, every gramme above this 
being rigorously charged as freight, and at a pretty round 
rate, too. Here we successfully negotiated the purchase 
of a bottle, and, having filled it with water, we felt that 
we had now completely circumvented the malignant clerk 
and were ready to depart in peace. The French are great 
economizers of space in their railway carriages. Our 
coach was supplied and kept supplied all the way to Paris 
with its full quota of passengers. Among them were 
two of the reverend clergy, grave and decorous men, who 
rode soberly along to their journey's end. The others 
were your commonplace travelers, with no hook or crook 
whereon to hang an observation. Soon after starting we 
plunged into a long, dark tunnel, and scarcely were we 
out of it before we were in another, and then in another, 
and so on till we were disgusted with them. Finally we 
got fairly and squarely above-ground, and then we poked 
our heads out of window and took a circumspective view 
of the landscape ; but seeing nothing particular in it drew 
them in again and laid ourselves back in the hope that 
something striking would turn up after awhile. Nothing 
did, however, and the whole company betook themselves 
to introspection to beguile the time, the majority falling- 
asleep under the process. At times we would be exalted 
to a very vivacious and merrisome mood, but in a brief 
space would sink back into thoughtfulness and profundity. 
The reverend clergy nibbled a good deal at a cold colla- 
tion of sugar-cakes and like temperate sustenance which 
28* 



326 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

they bore about tbern, assnafring- its aridity with an occa- 
sional mouthful or two of feeble wine ; while the elder of 
tlie young English gentlemen — he of histrionic intent — 
betook himself to his dramatic labors, toiling studiously 
at his book, and every now and then arousing us from 
our lethargy by bursting into an agony of despair at the 
treachery of his memory, accompanied by the bitterest 
complainings that the screw of the Civita Yecchia steamer 
was in his head. 

There was no fault to be found with the road. It was 
very smooth and pleasant to ride over. The coach, too, 
was an excellent one. True, it had no water-vessel, no 
stove, no nothing that we have in our coaches, but it was 
upholstered and fixed up in the topmost height of their 
fashion. Every time we stopped, each wheel was sub- 
jected to a thorough and determined tapping with a ham- 
mer to ascertain whether its normal molecular constitu- 
tion was still maintained, — a judicious custom whose 
utility is not unknown to our railroad managers, who 
occasionally adopt it when they can spare a hand for the 
purpose. 

Traveling all day through a thrifty and prosperous 
country, we arrived about half-past seven in the evening 
at the important city of Lyons, where we were allowed 
thirty minutes for dinner. This was procured at the 
buffet, or eating-house, at the station, and was a good 
one, well and promptly served, the host taking no ungen- 
erous advantage of the terrible power conferred upon him 
by the railroad time-table. As it was dark when we 
arrived and time was precious and monopolized by the 
duties of the trencher, we saw little of Lyons but the 
beef and pie of its buifet. 

Punctually at the expiration of the allotted thirty min- 
utes we resumed our journey, the coaches being first sup- 
plied with iron cylinders containing hot water, — the sub- 
stitute of the wretchedly behindhand nations of Europe 
for our stoves. On these cylinders we planted our feet, 
and, feeling materially refreshed by our repast, fell into 
an animated discussion with our English friends concern- 
ing the union of Church and State. Before either party 
ppuld convince the other of heterodoxy, we sank into a 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 321 

doze, which condition of semi-repose we would fain have 
maintained till morning'. But in the nature of things this 
was not possible. There can be no permanent slumber 
with the body oscillating in the perpendicular; nor yet 
when the frame is so contracted and rounded that the 
crown of the cranium is jammed in between the knees. 
Those who essayed the former mode were forever on the 
topple, besides being constantly at the point of death with 
the snorts; while those who tried the latter were deliv- 
ered up body and soul to the nightmare. Every sleeper 
either groaned, or snored, or both, while taking his rest, 
striking a chill to the bones of him who chanced to be in 
a state of consciousness. Every now and then the whole 
company woke up simultaneously with one accord, put- 
ting themselves in a posture of offense and eyeing one 
another with deadly malice, the reverend clergy looking 
particularly truculent. Our animosity was greatly aug- 
mented by the cooling down of the hot-water cylinders, 
and our consequent tendency to congelation, till at length 
we grew so irritable that a touch was sufficient to pro- 
voke a kick in return ; nay, we would let fly our feet at 
a venture without any tangible provocation at all, sin- 
cerely trusting that we might mortally mash somebody 
thereby. 

At last the eastern sky, which we had watched with 
wistful gaze off and on all night long, began to be irra- 
diated by the blessed gleams of day, and the glorious 
news being instantly i)roc!aimed to every one we woke 
permanently, and in an excellent frame of mind. Pass- 
ing through a rapid succession of towns and villages, 
and by fine houses and grounds, and, taking now a lively 
interest in everything we saw, we sped along till seven 
o'clock, when we made our final stop, being now in Paris, 
the beautiful, the wonderful, where dwell the wisest, 
brightest, meanest of uiankind, — the paradise of fools, 
the Mecca of the seeker after wisdom. 

Under the guidance of our English friends, who were 
familiar with the city, we betook ourselves to a hotel, 
where they got rooms but we did not, the house being 
full. The same fate awaited us at another hotel, but we 
finally gained admittance to the Grand Hotel du Louvre, 



328 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

where we obtained one room at four dollars a day, which 
included the customary brass clock, oil paintings, etc., but 
not soap, candles, or anything to eat. 

It would be a shame for me to assume to describe 
Paris wlio saw so little of it. It is a place that might 
afford study for a sage for years, yea for a lifetime, seeing 
with what deliberate slowness sages study. Those who 
are not sages do not exhaust even its superficial features 
by months of experience of them. The eye and the ear 
and the understanding find it impossible to heed all the 
appeals here made to them. Enough can be gathered, 
however, to make plain the fact that in many respects 
this great and wonderful city should be a warning to the 
rest of the world, and in as many others should be a 
model for it. How unfortunate it is that in neither of 
these capacities has the good it is capable of accomplish- 
ing been commensurate with its influence ! for though its 
sway is exercised to a greater or less extent over every 
civilized people on the globe they heed not its warnings, 
and where they follow its models they have too often 
taken only those they sliould have avoided. 

Since, then, I saw comparatively little of Paris I shall 
say comparatively little about it. I had tolerably fair 
reasons for not seeing much of it. There was but a week 
at our disposal before the sailing of the steamer for 
America, which we were obliged to divide between 
Paris and London, giving to each about three days — a 
space of time hideously disproportionate to the magnitude 
of the enterprise. Again, we were now at the tail end 
of our travels, with soul, mind, and body aweary, and 
could not prosecute sight-seeing with the enthusiasm of 
those who enter Paris in the full flush and heat of 
traveling fervor. Moreover, on top of this, we were 
crushed to the earth and restrained by a terrible financial 
crisis impending over us. This calamity had come in 
this v^dse. As it was nearly an even chance when we 
set out from home whether we would go to South 
America or Europe, we had concluded to defer com- 
pleting our money arrangements till we should reach 
Havana, having no doubt that we should find all the 
facilities there for doing so. iJut we were mistaken, and 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 329 

on appealing- to New York for a letter of credit found it 
was necessary to apply in person, in order that the party 
might be identified, or for some other abominable formal- 
ity. It was out of the question to journey to Gotham 
for any such purpose, and the only alternative left us 
was to lug over all tlie money we expected to spend in 
our pockets. We made what we thought a very liberal 
calculation of the probable expense, but not having the 
light of experience to instruct us we failed to make a 
sufficient allowance for those innumerable ever-flowing 
small drains to which we were to be subjected, which 
w^hile the least conspicuous are amongst the surest de- 
pleters of the purse. Therefore, what with boat hire, 
porter pay, donations voluntary and enforced, differences 
every fifty miles in the coinage and the rate of exchange, 
— which was invariably against us, whether we traveled 
backwards or forwards, — to say nothing of grievous losses 
sustained by counterfeit money, here we were at last in 
Paris reduced almost to penury. 

It was necessary to husband our resources by retrench- 
ing our outlays. The four dollars a day for lodging was 
fixed beyond recall, but the expenses of the table were 
happily somewhat under our control. The breakfast was 
so conducted that the eater paid for what he called for, 
no more nor less ; consequently we called not redundantly 
at this meal, but showed ourselves patterns of frugal feed- 
ing. The dinner, however, was provided at one dollar a 
head, no stint being put upon the guest, who was per- 
mitted to eat anything and everything if so minded. We 
availed ourselves of this lilterty to the uttermost extent, 
making ourselves at the repast a wonder and a terror in 
the endeavor to consolidate three meals into one. 

Under this state of constrained economy we had, 
likewise, to be wary in the use of wheeled conveyances. 
In truth, I bore this deprivation remarkably well, for 
except for the saving of time it eff'ects, this mode of pro- 
gression is to me of very secondary importance. For my 
part, it is greatly more gratifying to walk about a strange 
city than to ride about it ; and it was one of my chief 
delights in Europe to saunter at my ease through the 
streets, with the privilege of stopping or going on as the 



330 . THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

humor took me. In Paris, therefore, I endeavored to find 
where the principal ohjects of interest were situated, and 
tlien worked my way to them on foot to the best of my 
ability. Under the best of circumstances Paris is an 
overlarge place for a pedestrian to compass in three or 
four days. In the mood that actuated me I felt far more 
disposed to loiter than to do steady walking, and in con- 
sequence can lay no claim to that deep knowledge of its 
mysteries which American visitors do so generally affect. 
A source of undying interest to me was to gaze into 
the shop-windows. The Parisians themselves do this 
— a circumstance that heartened and comforted me might- 
ily, forasmucth as it banished all apprehension of the 
dreadful reproach of being an inhabitant of the rural dis- 
tricts. Nothing can exceed the dexterity with which the 
shopkeepers manage to make a grand display with scanty 
materials, and their enticing manner of arranging jini- 
crackery. In many of the windows hung the encourag- 
ing notification that "English is spoken here." As a 
general thing the attendants were cunningly selected from 
the beguiling sex, and when they were Frenchwomen, 
were disastrously affable, though occasionally they were 
English-born, and in this case were apt to conduct their 
shopkeeping on the English model, which is not over 
and above remarkable for conciliating courtesy. Inex- 
pressibly various were the things for sale, and good 
round prices were asked for them. I bought a hat — an 
atrocious ugly hat of the latest style — for five dollars in 
gold that I found I could buy for three dollars in green- 
backs when I got home. Jewelry, especially, was super- 
abundant. In the Palais Royal, where the jewelers 
appear to be centralized, the quantity of it on exhibition 
is positively appalling; and in the cour.se of my nightly 
strolls through this place, when it was resplendent with 
gaslights, I was almost dazed with the glitter and corus- 
cation that assailed my eyes, at the same time being quite 
befuddled with conjecturing how it was possible for so 
many of a trade to subsist together, and the more so 
since, according to my observations, purchasers were far 
fr(nn plentiful. One of our days in Paris being Sunday, 
we had the opportunity of noting that most of the shops 



OF A DOCTOR OF rilYSlC. 331 

were kept open the same as on week-days — at least in 
the morning. In fact, I may say here, there was nothing 
particular in the aspect of the city to indicate the arrival 
of the day of rest. In the afternoon, however, there was 
a general shutting-up and a universal turn out of tlie 
attending nymphs and everybody else, who, rigged to 
kill, were perambulating the streets and gardens, giving 
the whole place an exceeding gay and gladsome air. 

The streets of Paris are kept in the best order, every 
appliance that science and art can supply being made use 
of to accomplish this object. They are eternally watered 
by hose scientifically mounted on little wheels, and I saw 
a stupendous piece of mechanism worked by steam whose 
function was to roll down all asperities. Shade-trees are 
nurtured with a mother's tenderness and a father's care. 
The wayfarers you encounter on these highways, if they 
regard you, do so in a highh^ respectful and courteous 
manner. I bestowed but little attention on the male por- 
tion of the inhabitants, who, to the best of my recollec- 
tion, are generally a thin people, sallow and frisky, with 
beaver hats, and more or less whiskers; but the female 
portion I scrutinized somewhat closely, — more closely, I 
have sometimes feared, than did well comport with my 
habitual severity of thought and character. It concerns 
me to have to say that, in my humble judgment, beauty 
is not the rule among the Parisian ladies. The}' possess 
a vivacity of manner which is engaging, and whatever 
advantages dress can confer they know how to extract 
from it to the last atom, but in the cliarms of person, 
methinks, they are deficient. The handsomest ones I 
encountered were those retained in the shops to fascinate 
the susceptible and bully the close-fisted customers 

It is some comfort in walking the streets of Paris to 
know that as far as human foresight can provide, no harm 
can be done to you, and neither can you do any to any- 
body else. There are guardian angels, it may be, in- 
visible, but who have an eye to you, and who will ap- 
pear the moment their services are needed. If you be 
a man of wrath and get involved in a fight, 3'ou may 
show as much spirit as you choose, assured that before 
your enemy can do his worst he will be separated from 



332 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

you. If your animation should become suspended from 
any cause, you will Ije immediately attended to, and as- 
persed with water, rubbed, turpentined, mustard-plastered, 
" pinched, and burnt, and turned about," and indefati- 
gably treated in the latest scientific style till you are re- 
stored ; or, if in spite of every effort you give up the 
g-host, you will be stripped, and stretched nicely on a 
table before the public, with your clothes hung over your 
head for identification, and in cnse any one can tell who 
you belong to, you will be religiously handed over to your 
friends for their disposal. If you should drop down dead- 
drunk, your carcass will be kindly trundled from under 
the feet of the passengers into a corner, and be protected 
against the malevolence of the boys, who, in our country, 
do show such devilish pleasure in devising torments for 
the unfortunate beings upon whom this calamity has 
fallen. 

All these advantages arise from the admirable sj'stem 
of polity prevailing in this model city. The authorities 
constitute a species of provost-giiard, with powers nearly 
equivalent to those of a court-martial. The management 
of affairs, therefore, approaches very closely to perfection ; 
for your court-martial is perha|»s the best government the 
world ever saw — as ] judge from my experience in the Con- 
federate army, and afterwards, under different auspices, 
when n)y native town was overthrown and passed under 
the yoke. Some people object to courts-martial, espe- 
cially those whose ideas have become relaxed by the 
latitude allowed in a repuljlic; but while these tribunals 
may well be a terror to evil-doers they are not obliged to 
be excessively over-formidable to such as are unim peach- 
ably upright and irreproachably circumspect. They are 
the only courts of genuine justice, indeed, — their proceed- 
ings being uncontaminated with any of that weakly 
quality, mercy, but l)eing short, sharp, and decisive, as 
legal proceedings ought to be. In their eye every pris- 
oner is presumed to be guilty till he proves himself inno- 
cent, and the burden of proof being thus shifted, they 
move unincumbered by a load under which the prosecu- 
tion so frequently breaks down in other courts. AVith 
them flaws in the indictment amount to naught, the true 



OF A DOCTOR OF FHYSIC. 333 

intent and nieaninji' of tho statute is not a matter for 
argument, and alibis are flouted and scouted. We have 
no tedious references to precedents, no wearisome pro- 
crastination for the judge to consult authorities and look 
into the law governing the ease, no provoking insufficiency 
of evidence. As a consequence, though an objector might 
]io?sibly complain that there was something of the inso- 
lence of office, Hamlet himself, were he on trial l)efore one 
of these tribunals, would utter never a murmur aliout the 
law's delay. On the contrary, apprehension, trial, convic- 
tion, and execuiion follow in rapid and certain sequence, 
for there is no obstruction to the Juggernaut car ofjustice, 
"which having free course runs and is glorified. 

Not the least meritorious characteristic of the military 
law is the plenary power it possesses to determine not 
merely the degree but the kind of punishment to be 
inflicted, — matters in which the civil law is so miserably 
restricted; for, whereas the latter is obliged to confine 
itself to such old and threadbare devices as fines and 
jails and gallowses, the latter is at liberty to give full 
scope to its inventive faculty and strike out into the 
domain of originality. And surely nothing can be more 
ingenious, and at the same time pregnant with salutary 
warning, than some of its essays in this direction. 
What, for example, when we consider the horror of our 
colored fellow-citizens concerning things pertaining to 
mortality and their sensitiveness on the score of their 
complexion, what could be more appropriate than to 
incase one of them in a coffin and set iiim out in the sua 
with his countenance irradiated with a handful of flour, — 
as was done by our worthy provost-marshal of Rich- 
mond a month or two after the surrender ? 1 have seen 
nothing to surpass it even in the annals of the slave- 
holders — no, not in that notable collection of contriv- 
ances against the African people which Mr. Charles 
Dickens in the softness of his heart displays in his 
"American Notes," and where in the softness of his 
head he attributes all the piercings of ears for earrings, 
amputations of toes for frost-bite, extractions of teeth for 
toothache, and tush-marks of the guardian dogs of the 
hog-pen and chicken-house to the barbarism of slavery. 

29 



334 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

Certain it is that this anomalous spectacle wrought a 
deep impression on the minds of the newly-enfranchised 
population, who marveled greatly as they looked upon 
it, and, paying- full tribute to the unmatchable genius of 
their deliverers which liad devised it, betook themselves 
to redoubled vigilance in their oi)erations to guard against 
detection. Yet cannot I help allowing that in some 
of its forms of punishment military law in a measure 
oversteps the bounds of what is strictly judicious and 
seemly; and in the name of a large and deserving class 
of the community I must plainly protest against the cus- 
tom of shaving the heads of malefactors, as calculated 
to exert an injurious influence on the ideas of the rising 
generation and others of ill-regulated judgment, by 
bringing the reverend attribute of baldness into discredit 
and contempt. 

It is true that errors will be occasionally committed 
even by these courts, for no human institution is abso- 
lutely perfect. The wrong man (or woman) will some- 
times be hung, or something I)e done to the prejudice of 
outside parties. Thus, a patient of mine who was on 
the point of liquidating his indebtedness of ten dollars 
was apprehended for something, convicted, — he was not 
tried, the case being too plain to require it, — and fastened 
hermetically in the penitentiary by our post-bellum pro- 
vost-judge's court, — all in the si»ace of one little half- 
hour, with too much ex})edition for me to become cogni- 
zant in time to enter my bill in bar of the proceedings; 
and, since he was bestowed hopelessly beyond the reach 
of any collector, I lost my money. But when such a case 
occurs it is clearly the part of v/isdom to comfort our- 
selves with the reflection that it is better for ninety-and- 
uine innocent to suffer than for one guilty to escape, — a 
maxim of the military law which it would not be alto- 
gether amiss were the civil more frequently to adopt. 

But while the city government of Paris is endued with 
powers almost as extensive as those 1 have been lauding, 
it is proper to add that it does not consider it necessary 
to exercise them to their full limit. No very striking 
innovations have been made in the everyday modes of 
punishment, nor is the celerity of legal proceedings so 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 335 

great that a man may not be late in coming home to 
dinner without terrifying his family with the well- 
grounded fear that he has begun a term of service in the 
state-prison, — as was the case in our good city of Rich- 
mond under the auspices I have mentioned. Neverthe- 
less, in many things the government is sufficiently arbi- 
trary. Thus, a man, albeit as thoroughly saturated with 
healing power as is the seventh son of a seventh son, is 
not permitted to sell his infallible pill or potion to a 
suffering fellow-being without giving the sufferer a clue 
to what he is taking, — a proviso which, as all who are in 
tiie habit of pi'eseribing medicines well know, is compe- 
tent to blast the virtue of the best remedy that ever was 
concocted. Neither is a confectioner at full liberty to 
consult his own tastes in selecting the colors where- 
with he would adorn and glorify his handiwork. He is 
ruthlessly compelled to abstain from such as contain 
copper and lead and ratsbane. In fact, in no business 
is one allowed to conduct it to suit himself alone ; but, 
instead of being left to look after his own interests ex- 
clusively, he is forced to consider those of other people 
too. An American is struck with astonishment at a 
system so much at variance with tliat which prevails in 
his own country, where buying and selling are done 
with the understanding that every man is for himself 
and God for us all, and which is so inimical to the exer- 
cise of our most idolized national trait of "smartness;" 
and he wonders how a people can prosper under it. 

The interference with private aft'airs here goes yet far- 
ther, even to the restriction of man's inherent right to 
dispose as he chooses of his own body and bones. Should 
these mortal concomitants become a burden to the pos- 
sessor — a case that not unfrequently happens to French- 
men — all kinds of obstacles are thrown in the way of 
getting rid of the incumbrance. It is with the greatest 
difficulty that a quantum of poison can be procured. 
The inviting bosom of the Seine is likewise guarded 
against him ; or, if perchance, he can throw himself upon 
it, ere he is fairly nestled there like enough he will be 
jerked away and restored to the abominated upper world 
by the implements and appliances scattered thick along 



336 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

the river's banks, and which are put into assiduous oper- 
ation under stimulus of the ]i!)eral reward paid to those 
who save lives. To elude this vexatious watchfulness 
of the government therefore it is that the tired denizen 
resorts to charcoal fumes and other outlandish, unsuspi- 
cious agencies for gaining rest. Let freedom-shriekers 
scream as they will, gi-eat blessings spring from this 
despotic surveillance. The very hackmen are subdued 
by it. It is a matter of some concern to them whether 
or no they run over you in the streets ; nay, they will 
actually hold up and notify you of your peril if it 
threatens ; while in the matter of fares the regulations 
to which they are subject render it very difficult for them 
to swindle. How to deal with this intractable class has 
ever been one of the sternest problems of legislation. 
No other city that I wot of has accomplished an3'thing 
worth the mention towards its solution, and the fact that 
here so near an approximation has been made to this 
desirable end speaks volumes in behalf of the municipal 
government of Paris. 

The Gardens of the Tuileries were but a short distance 
from our hotel, and in this convenient retreat we were 
frequent loungers. It is needless to say that these gar- 
dens are artistically laid out, neatly kept, and in all 
respects a delightful resort. They could not be in Paris 
and be otherwise. Among the pleasant features are 
multitudes of little birds, whou) kindness has made trust- 
ful, and who hop down before the visitor and confidently 
appeal to him for charity, which is most willingly 
bestowed, many good people bringing provision with 
them expressly for almsgiving to the amiable little pen- 
sioners. Here v^^e spent all of our Sunday morning, and 
with great pleasure and profit, especially from beholding 
the trim citizens as they passed by arrayed in their 
Sunday-clothes. The Parisians are notoriously tasty in 
dress, and to any one fond of witnessing the pomps and 
vanities of the world it is a treat to see them in full 
feather. 

We were mightily taken with one particular pair of 
the promenaders, comprising a credulous father and a 
lowly son. To the eye of a disinterested observer the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIlYSrC. 33 Y 

son certainly appeared to be _vet very far from maturity, 
but in the estimation of the fond parent he was a little 
man ; and in this belief he had been decked out in man's 
attire, and of the most pronounced description, being- 
provided with a long split-tailed coat, a stove-pipe hat, 
kid gloves, and a walking-stick. The poor child did not 
share his father's infatuation, but, crushed beneath the 
greatness thrust upon him, pulled the narrow brim of his 
hat over iiis eyes, tucked his walking-stick under his arm- 
pit, and curved his spine till the waist of his split-tailed 
coat rested on his shoulder-blades; — his general bearing 
being one of most desolate sheepishness. The parent, 
mortified at this ignoble port, essayed to readjust him, 
instructing him in the approved swing of bis stick, 
restoring his hat to its proper poise, and almost pulling 
him backwards to the earth by tugs at the tail of his 
coat, in the attempt to coerce that garment into its right- 
ful position, at the same time loading him with reproaches 
and remonstrances ; but all to no purpose. As fast as he 
was restored he relapsed, till at length the parent's shame 
was swallowed up in sorrow, and he, too, hung his head, 
sore stricken by his offspring's incorrigible littleness of 
soul. 

This unfortunate youth had my fullest sympathy in his 
afflictions, for the sight aroused the recollection of my 
own earlier days, when I too was a living sacrifice to the 
demon of dress, — though, thank Heaven ! not on anything 
like so pretentious a scale. Vividly did he recall to my 
mind the desperate efforts exerted to make me look a neat 
and pretty little boy ; — all utterly futile, except to excite 
in me bitterness of heart and rebelliousness of spirit at 
the restraint upon my natural proclivity for free and easy 
clothing and playing in the dirt. Had I continued a 
child all the days of my life, I fear these vexations would 
have at last driven me to infidelity, for the Christian 
Sabbath had become an abouiination in my eyes becau.se 
of the scrubbings, and combings, and brushings, and 
buttonings, and pinnings, and trickings which announced 
its advent. With what disgust I regarded the finery 
wherein I was that day endued, which was to be worn 
till blessed eventide, and religiously guarded against spot 

2y* 



338 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

or blemish, and with what joy uiispealvaljle I laid aside 
the sacred vestments! The love of freedom in matters of 
the toilet has not been entirely left behind in my advance 
in 3'ears, and chief among the few g-leams of comfort 
which in my army experience tempered the grim asperities 
of war was that derived from the inestimable privilege of 
wearing a shirt from moon to moon with unimpeachable 
reasons for doing so, and, in addition, no public opinion 
demanding a daily washing of the face. 

Wc had not been long in Paris before we were assailed 
by an individual who insisted strenuously upon being 
engaged as guide. We felt no great need for his services, 
but he gave such glowing accounts of what it was in liis 
power to show, and was withal so intolerably pertinacious 
that we employed him in self-defense. He was a little 
plumi)ish wanderer, or, most probably, refugee from 
England, with the flavor of the Cockney lingo rich upon 
his tongue, and thoroughly unfit for the function he pro- 
fessed. His first essay was to get us admitted into the 
halls of legislation, in which he failed egregiously, getting 
us no farther than an ailing hydrant in the yard afflicted 
with incontinence of water, which when we would drink 
from it doused us from head to foot. Baffled here he 
squired us to the Hotel des Invalides, where there being 
no opposition whatever to our entrance, he claimed great 
credit for successfully engineering us therein. On the 
way thither, to indemnify us for our exclusion from the 
Legislative Palace, he gave us a comprehensive sketch 
of French politics, with an exposition of the true motives 
underlying the ostensible policy of Louis Napoleon, and 
prophecies of momentous public events which must 
assuredly come to pass; — all of which we listened to 
because we could not help it, and all of which we would 
have treasured up had we had the least idea that he 
knew anything in the world of what he was talking 
about. 

Under the splendid dome of the Hotel des Invalides 
lies the dead Man of Destiny, piously brought from the 
far-off alien sea-girt rock to repose in the midst of the 
people that he loved so well. The dome is the crown of 
a magnificent church, all of the central space of which is 



OF A DOCTOR OF niYSlC. 339 

occupied by the large circular crypt where stands the 
tomb. Numerous paintings and tasteful architectural 
devices adorn the church, and about it are several sepul- 
chral monuments dedicated to French worthies. The 
tomb is a massive block of porphyry, elegantly but 
plainly sculptured, which covers the sarcophagus, — the 
whole supported by means of two plinths upon another 
massive block of green granite. Ai'ound it and confronting 
it stand in solemn state twelve colossal statues, images 
of twelve great victories. In the pavement is worked in 
mosaic a crown of laurels, and upon the balustrade are 
sculptured eight laurel wreaths, each circling the name 
of some fierce battle of the hero's. No cost has been 
considered, no labor has been spared, to make this monu- 
ment of a people's veneration worthy of the nation and 
the man ; and while it is magnificently grand its grandeur 
is withal the grandeur of simplicity. 

When the tomb had been inspected, the guide would 
fain have us go through the hospital. But my companion 
being an invalid himself turned up his nose at the very 
thought of invalids, and, for my part, I relished hospitals 
"no better than a grocer does figs." Accordingly, we 
turned back, making for the Louvre, where the guide 
professed to be able to show us gfeat things. Like all 
guides I have ever seen, his specialty was paintings. 
When, therefore, we were at the renowned palace, he 
hui'ried us past the vases and mummies and minor objects 
generally, and pioneered us to the picture-galleries. On 
all the masterpieces he descanted with the usual eloquence 
and erudition. Now it chanced that sundry of these were 
Scripture subjects, and, while we made no boast of art- 
knowledge, we at least felt ourselves to be measurably 
well grounded in the rudiments of biblical history. Jn 
these particulai'S, however, we found that the guide was 
exactly the converse of us ; he was a connoisseur in 
light, shade, and perspective, but a tyro in Moses and the 
prophets. We were shocked at his heathenish ignorance, 
and outraged that he should hold our scrii)tural acquire- 
ments so low as to presume to pass upon us his profane 
versions for gospel facts ; and when to top it he spoke of 
our old friend and first acquaintance in art, Murillo, as an 



340 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

Italian, we were fit to burst. It was intolerable and we 
discharg'ed hira at once. 

As we were domiciled almost under the shadow of 
the Louvre, it was easy enough to visit it, and we occa- 
sionally strayed through it subsequently under our own 
aus])ices. The building* itself is an imposing piece of 
architecture externally, and the interior is richly and ap- 
propriately adorned, while considerable regard for the 
comfort of the visitor is evinced, — a point on which in- 
stitutions of the sort do not generally much concern them- 
selves. No half francs are demanded for anything. No 
canes are taken from the feeble and the weary, leaving, 
them perchance to drop exhausted somewhere in the 
depths of the vast pile. On the contrary, there are di- 
vans where one may sit and poetically meditate, or pro- 
saically catch his wind. Moreover, he may stand upon 
the floors without apprehending the refrigeration of his 
marrow, for they are of wood. Last but not least, the 
thoughtful custodians have provided spit-boxes, so that 
the despised but devoted chewer of tobacco can indulge 
the habit which does so solace and assist him in his la- 
bors in these places without having to trot all around 
semi-strangulated by nicotine, looking for some secret 
spot to hide his shame. 

What is to be seen in the Louvre is altogether too va- 
rious to specify. It has enough of all the staples kept in 
a well-fui'nished museum and to spare, and a vast deal 
the like of which is to be found nowhere el.se. Here are 
many interesting souvenirs of the great Napoleon. The 
collection of Egyptian mummies, sphinxes, seeds, spoons, 
brooms, shoes, pieces of bread, etc. of the Pharaohs' days 
is unrivaled. The specimens of Gobelin tapestry are 
most magnificent, representing subjects with the fidelity 
and vividness of oil paintings ; in fact, we took them to 
be paintings till certified of their real nature by our guide; 
and truly it would puzzle any one not a connoisseur like 
him to detect the diffei'ence. It is needless to say there 
are vases ; of course there are vases, Greek and Roman 
vases, Egyptian vases, African vases, all kinds of vases. 
Its i)aintings in quality and in quantity are not behind 
those of any similar institution in Europe, and this de- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 341 

spite the fact that it has been obliged to disgorg-e all those 
which the first Napoleon, who loved art not wisely but 
too well, stole from other museums to enrich it. The 
same may be said of its statuary. Tiiis is displayed in 
its naked beauty, and from it I was forced to draw the 
inference that many of the old worthies, whatever miiiht 
be said of them morally, were physically condescending 
and candid enougli ; even emperors and rulers of nations 
having no concealments to make, but permitting them- 
selves to be hewn out exactly as they were, viz., of the 
identical make and fashion of common mortals, and without 
even so much as a fig-leaf to hamper the inquiring mind. 

One afternoon I sought out the Morgue, — the repos- 
itory in which the poor waifs of dead mortality are gath- 
ered to wait for claimants. It is a low building near the 
riverside, with a wooden screen before the door. Within 
it is a long glass partition, behind which are ranged 
twelve tables for the reception of the dead bodies. On 
these they are laid confronting the spectators with their 
heads raised, and naked, except a cloth across the loins. 
A vast quantity of clothing, the accumulations from 
many sul)jects, is suspended behind the partition. The 
place is neatly kept and is entirely free from odor. There 
were two subjects on the tables the day I visited the 
Morgue: one a man, rather coarse looking; the other 
either a fair, delicate young man or a woman, — I could 
not by the fading light well determine which, l^oth had 
their arras extended by their sides and looked exquisitely 
placid, exactly as if asleep. Many persons lounged in 
to gaze at them, mostly trifling men and slattern women, 
people of the neighborhood, some having babies in their 
arms. Children came in, too. All performed the inspec- 
tion very unconcernedly, and, their curiosity being satis- 
fied, they idled off without apparently laying the scene 
much to heart. A thoughtful man might, however, draw 
some useful reflections from a visit to the place, which is 
in a manner the register of the gayety of Paris, for it is 
said that in seasons of universal joy and merriment then 
does the Morgue ap})ear in all its fullness. 

If means of pleasure could save one from the Morgue, 
no Parisian need ever sret there. There are amusements 



342 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

innumerablo, and to suit all sorts and conditions of men. 
I am myself a man who can be satisfied with very few 
and simple enjoyments, and it was my custom, after the 
peraml)ulations of the day, to recreate my spirits at the 
nightly out-door shows about the Champs Elysees. 
These shows were particularly numerous and well pat- 
ronized on the Sal)bath-night. The more pretentious of 
them consist of thrillingly ludicrous dramatic re|)resenta- 
tions, interspersed with singing and dancing. The spec- 
tator sits under the trees, no charge being made for ad- 
mission, though he is not suffered to go away till he has 
purchased some refreshment, which is put at a figure 
high enough to cover all incidental expenses. My glass 
of beer, which was the shape in which I elected to liqui- 
date my obligation, was assessed at forty cents. 

Of all the performances I witnessed, the most merito- 
rious was a drama vividly portraying the omnipotence 
of woman's wiles. An unlucky man is beset by an 
insidious charmer who seeks to cajole him out of his 
garments. He strives against her, but hearkens, never- 
theless. How true it is that the man who deliberates is 
lost! He yields up his coat. She urges him further, and 
he gives his waistcoat Yet further she presses him — she 
wants his shirt. Now he begins to struggle in earnest, 
but too late — he parts with this, too. Will it be believed? 
— the insatiable monster now demands his pantaloons! 
Upon this the wretched victim is in an agony; his striv^- 
ings are terrible, and he has already retired behind a 
friendly screen to hide his emotions. The audience is 
in a fever of anxiety to know if he will surrender this 
wellnigh the last refuge of manhood. Alas! who that 
has gone so far can stop ? The vestments come pro- 
truding from behind the barrier. And now the audience 
is almost crazed with anticipation of what will come 
next. But, blessed be woman ! in her most remorseless 
moods she still retains somewhat of her inborn compas- 
sionateness and tenderness of heart, yet mingled with it 
a spice of her natural waywardness; for, though at this 
crisis the persecutrix relents, she pulls down the screen 
from before her denuded and abashed dupe and in token 
of her triumph makes him dance a hornpipe with her iu 
his drawers. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PIIVSIC. 343 



CHAPTER XXVI. 

How we went from Pnris to Calais, and how we passed over the English 
Channel with due Observance and landed at Dover — IIow we went to 
Lnnilon--A Cursory View of London, with some Facts that militate 
against the Assertion that the English are a Nation of Shopkeepers. 

Contrary to what we should expect of a people so 
practically ^stheticiil as the French, it is their custom to 
confine the wayfarina,- public in a saloon at the railroad 
station, barring- them out from the train till a very few 
minutes before it is time to start, causing tremendous 
agitation, trepidation, and frenzy in the crowd of expect- 
ant voyagers when the gates are opened and they are 
turned in pell-mell to look for places. We found our- 
selves thus cribbed and kicking our heels impatiently 
early on the cool, dull, drizzly Monday morning termi- 
nating our brief survey of Paris. When the floodgates 
were raised we surged madly along with the current, 
coming to rest in a coach with a quota of pure French- 
men, who spoke not nor understood aught of English, 
and at the appointed moment rolled smoothly and rapidly 
away, bound for London town. 

The journey to Calais, which VA^e made by way of 
Boulogne, was very void of interest. The weather was 
dispiriting, and we were deprived of the solace of con- 
versation with our fellow-travelers, who had too great a 
command of French for us to dare to provoke them. 
Every now and then a tunnel would shut from us the 
sight of an unattractive country, mostly flat in its char- 
acter, and bearing some resemblance to our Western 
parts, but relieved by numerous villages and an abun- 
dance of windmills. Nothing, whatever, as far as I 
remember, occurred to us, nor do I recollect anything we 
did more noteworthy than 3'awning and stretching our- 
selves. 

At ten minutes past one o'clock we reached Calais. 



344 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

The cares of transshipment of self and ba.srgage to the 
steamer engrossed my attention to the exclusion of all 
things else, so that if I passed through the town, which 
I doubt, I did not see it ; and consequently, on second 
thoughts, suppress the description of it I had prepared. 
Great was the bustle about the boat for half an hour, at 
the end of which time we cast loose our fastenings and 
struck out for Dover. 

We were now traversing that renowned artery of the 
sea which is the pride and terror of the Cockney voy- 
ager, and his infallible gauge and measure for all troubled 
■waters; over whose bouncing bosom he delights to bear 
his new-made bride to show his prowess, and for the 
maintenance of whose nauseous name and reputation he 
feels it incumbent on him to make oblation of hig beef 
and ale. The steamer, which was small and ill arranged 
but of much horse-power, was well filled with this kind 
of travelers. The hazy, drizzly weather grievously dis- 
ti'acted them, and they could be seen chasing the steward 
from stem to stern anxiously seeking his opinion concern- 
ing the prospects of a propitious passage. The moment 
the wheels began to revolve they commenced to grow 
sea-sick, and numbers of them with wise forethought lay 
down even before we started ; they and their baggage, 
Avhich was in all the national redundancy, monopolizing 
so much of the limited space that it was difficult for 
sound persons to move about. Much of the illness that 
prevailed, I am quite persuaded, was attributable to the 
patriotic tenderness for the Channel's fame, for there was 
not enough sea on to account for it. The ladies were 
particularly demonstrative; and as the construction of the 
boat did not readil}'^ permit privacy, they reaped whatever 
benefit could accrue from the public recognition of their 
sacrifices. The proprietors of this line of steamers are 
very considerate of this delicate class of passengers. In- 
stead of intrusting them in these emergencies to the puny 
care of a waiting-woman, as would be the case were it 
an American line, they are placed under the stalwart 
guardianship of a man. The steward himself attended 
them, assisted by two sturdy little sailor-boys, and cer- 
tainly displayed all the assiduity, and apparently all the 



OF A D OCT Ok OF PHYSIO. 345 

loving-kindness, of a female. This steward was a most 
notable-looking person. At the first blush of his gran- 
deur I presumed him to be the captain, being misled by 
a cursory glance at the golden blazonries upon his coat, 
which, however, upon narrower inspection showed so 
much the semblance of wash-basins that I stood cor- 
rected, interpreting them to be insignia of his true office. 
My illusion was greatly aided by the transcendent 
straightness with which he held himself and the stu- 
pendous importance of his general carriage. However, 
he was assiduous and tender, as I have said, keeping his 
boys continually on the tramp with their crockery equip- 
ments, so that he certainly entitled himself to honorable 
mention. 

Be it known, tobacco-chewing is a subject little under- 
stood by Europeans. According to their benighted idea 
of it, it is practiced only by the refuse of the earth, and 
they cannot conceive that a gentleman traveler would 
indulge in it. The sick people, therefore, stared with 
amazement at the complacent countenance with which I 
every now and then tripped to the vessel's side and ex- 
pelled a mouthful of tobacco-juice overboard. They took 
the fluid to be bile — the darned fools I — imagining me to 
be afflicted like unto themselves, though with a kind of 
latent form of the malady, and wondering how on earth 
I bore it so philosophically. 

When two hours' time had passed we were over this 
portentous Strait and in the town of Dover. I saw 
almost as little of this place as of Calais, having depos- 
ited myself promptly in the train, which shortly set out 
for London. In deference to the seclusive and secretive 
tastes of their countrymen, managers of the English 
railways are not prone to fill every coach to its maximum 
capacity, as they are wont to do in France, consequently 
we had abundance of room to sling our legs about in our 
compartment ; nor were we disturbed by idle chattering, 
our two or three companions having a masterly command 
of their tongues. We flew smoothly along through a 
lovely undulating and verdant country, well besprinkled 
with sheep, passing through divers villages on the way, — 

30 



346 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

the whole panorama pleasing me vastly, for it vivified 
many a fascinating idea of English scenery and life and 
manners long before implanted in my mind by com- 
munion with the revered men of the land Avho bad made 
these things their theme, and whose pirated thoughts I 
even then had in cheap editions in my trunk. Speeding" 
thus for an hour and three-quarters, we finally penetrated 
a mass of vapor, rode over the tops of divers houses, and 
worked through sundry topographical mazes, ultimately 
coming to rest at the Charing Cross terminus of the rail- 
road, being now in London. 

From some unaccountable impulse of benevolence to- 
wards travelers, the custom-house authorities had so 
arranged affairs that the examination of baggage coming 
from France might be postponed till it reached London. 
I trembled to know that this ordeal was now at hand. 
Both by reading and hearsay I had been assured that of 
all custom-houses that curse the fair earth the English 
was the most bloodthirsty and inexorable ; and I was 
painfully conscious that it would find me an exquisitely 
succulent morsel for its cruel craw by reason of the good 
store of tobacco, the great mass of American reprints, 
consisting of the Bible, the works of Byron, Dickens, 
etc., and many other articles which are deadly abomina- 
tions to the revenue officers, which were conspicuous 
components of my traveling equipment, constituting, in 
fact, much the most considerable portion of it. Knowing, 
too, how bitter are the customs against articles of virtu, 
I thought I had especial cause to fear for the fate of 
my inestimable collection of weeds, lumps of rock, brick- 
bats, etc. that I had gathered from famous places, of 
which things of price I had a peck and a half or two 
pecks. 

But, after all, these distressing anticipations came ab- 
solutely to naught. It has long been a maxim that a 
man's appearance is fully competent to carry him 
smoothly over the rough places he will encounter in his 
pilgrimage through life. The soundness of this observa- 
tion was evinced on the present occasion, for to my looks 
alone am I to attribute the successful and easy tiding 
that I accomplished over this truly ominous trouble. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 34 Y 

The fact is, that being none of your holiday tourists, but 
a pure and simple traveler after wisdom, I had burdened 
m3^self with no superfluity of apparel, and so in process 
of time had come to have something of a dilapidated, 
hoary, and amorphous guise as to the garments. More- 
over, not having shaved nor trimmed m}^ hair since leav- 
ing home, I had now gotten au eldritch look about the 
dome of thought and palace of the soul, and, taken alto- 
gether, had right smartly the seeming of a demon or wild 
man of the Western prairies. On the other hand, my 
companion, from the fact of being an invalid, had been 
forced to bring many changes of raiment, and accordingly 
was in condition to alwa3^s shine forth exceeding spruce 
and gentlemanlike. It came to pass, therefore, that the 
functionary of the custom-house, affected by his good 
clothes, gave him full credit for his station in society, but 
instead of according me my deserts as a learned and 
reverend professor of physic, he set me down as the 
valet. 

Well do I know there are abundance of my republican 
fellow-citizens who would have resented such an indignity 
as this, even to the sacrifice of their tobacco, and Bible, 
and everj'thing ; and who expect to read immediately 
that I snapped my fingers at the functionary's nose and 
peremptorily convinced him that he was the victim of an 
optical delusion. But, no — my temperament is too phi- 
losophical for anything of that sort. He might have 
burst with ignorance ere I had enlightened him ; for so 
long as I myself know what I am, knowing nothing to 
my disparagement, I care not the value of a canceled 
revenue stamp what the custom-house folks or any other 
folks think I am — and especially when it is to my advan- 
tage that they should think wrong. Therefore I let him 
retain his hallucination, under the influence of which he 
proceeded to inspect my companion's trunk, which he did 
in a most courteously cursory manner, — though, in truth, 
there was very little of a contraband nature in it, — and 
then, his hallucination obtunding him thoroughly, he 
suffered my trunk to pass without any inspection at all, 
taking it as well as myself to be the property of the well- 
dressed gentleman, and being too polite to subject a 



348 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

person of his figure to further detention. Thus, it will 
be seen, how greatly I was indebted to mj appearance ; 
for had I been respectable-looking, my baggage would 
have been thought to belong to me and been examined 
likewise, when, unless the functionary had chosen to be 
guilty of misprision of perjury, I must have been well- 
nigh ruined. Highly elated at the satisfactory issue of 
our encounter with the great bugbear of the traveling 
public, we departed from the domains of the custom-house, 
and going a very short distance reached Morley's Hotel, 
where we proposed to sojourn during our stay in the 
metropolis. 

The obstacles that impeded us in our exploration of 
Paris operated equally in the case of London. We had 
little time, little money, and little curiosity. The very 
close approach of the Atlantic steamer's day of sailing 
made us too restless to be very persevering sight-seers. 
For my part, it was pleasure enough to walk up and 
down the streets, observing men and things as shown on 
these great thoroughfares. It is true I had to be circum- 
spect in doing this, for the passengers here are not as 
polite and considerate towards one another as they are in 
the streets of the Continental cities. The footmen will 
walk over you without scruple, and the hackmen will run 
over you most willingly. My spinal column was repeat- 
edly jarred as I sauntered along by the intrusive knee of 
some heedless pedestrian coming impulsively behind me. 
Tlie people are brisk, and shop-windows are fine, and the 
placards and posters are gigantic and glaring. To my 
eye London looks like New York magnified, — magnified 
very much — much more than the New Yorkers them- 
selves are disposed to believe. 

By far the most satisfying and substantial part of the 
pleasure I felt in London was from being once more in 
oral communication with the human species after so 
many months of practical dumbness. The change that a 
few hours' journey had wrought was marvelous and 
supremely delightful. It seemed really too good to be 
true that I could actually understand what people were 
saying around me, and I would stand still ofttimes 
merely to let my ears wanton in the luxurious melody. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 349 

It is not possible to convey an adequate idea of the thrills 
of rapture that shot through me when I discovered that 
I had an intelligent conception of the announcements of 
things for sale and their prices in the shop-windows. 
Oh ! thought I, as I read "Hot joints," " Half-and-half," 
"Pot-pie," "Hair brushes," "American drinks," "Only 
2s. M: a yd.," " Is.," " 6rf.," and so on, — this is the lan- 
guage of Shakspeare, and Milton, and Byron, and blessed 
be the day that permits me to see and hear it again ! 
Yet more delightful was the fact that I could talk now 
without peril of unhinging my mind in the effort to make 
myself understood. I could scarcely have been more 
overjoyed at the release of my tongue had I been a 
woman. One of the most precious advantages that it 
guaranteed to me was that I could now walk the streets 
in security and peace of mind, knowing that when I got 
lost I was able to ask to be set right. In the Continental 
towns when prospecting through their intricate streets it 
was my prime care to take my bearings with mathemati- 
cal exactness, but when in spite of this I missed my way, 
as often happened, and the impotency of my condition ap- 
peared to me, I was prone to collapse in wild panic and 
be fit to drop. Many times in the Spanish and Italian 
cities had I been sunk into mute despair at finding myself 
in some obscure and dreary nook from which were half a 
dozen ways of egress, but only one of deliverance. It 
would have been a mockery of Heaven's good gift of 
speech had I attempted to ask any one to unravel the 
mystery, and my sole resource in such circumstances was 
to walk unintermittedly till I would be led back to the 
hotel providentially by a way I knew not of; and I may 
as well mention further, that inasmuch as I invariably 
reached my objective point in the end, I did sometimes 
get in a measure puffed up with the conceit that I was a 
marvelous proper topographer and a pathfinder of a right 
crafty skill, though, for all this, I must confess my collapse 
and demoralization recurred none the less surely under the 
appropriate provocation. 

Besides indulging in street-walking, I idled away much 
of my time in sauntering with my companion through 
the parks and gardens, of which there were several 

80* 



350 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

within commodious reach of Morley's. These, though 
they are not of surpassing elegance and beauty, are, 
nevertheless, tastefully arranged, well kept, and very 
pleasant places of resort. Our enjoyment of them was 
greatly enhanced by the delightful weather prevailing at 
that time, which was as fine as I ever experienced and 
utterly at variance with the current notions of London 
weather. The atmosphere was hazy, it is true, for this 
is an inevitable condition of it in London, but the tempera- 
ture was as genial and comforting as any reasonable 
creature ought to ask. And yet, so querulous and ex- 
acting is human nature, and especially English human 
nature, that I heard certain of the natives denouncing 
the meteorological status for being by no means what 
it ought to be. An abundance of respectable-looking 
vagrants lounge about these parks, and others a shade 
less respectable looking, with their legs alternately drawn 
up and extended, loll upon the grass. A plentiful quantity 
of nurses with children contribute to give variety to the 
grounds, and feathered songsters ruralize the scene ; but 
I observed that, unlike them of Paris, the birds here, 
taught I question not in the school of experience, keep 
sedulously aloof from the people of this latitude and trust 
nobody. 

Cursory as was my inspection of London, I yet took 
a glance 'at a few of its most noted objects of interest. 
Prominent in my recollection stands the British Museum. 
Of course I shall not attempt to describe all that is to be 
seen there. He would be an impetuously bold man and 
a voluminous writer who should adventure upon such an 
undertaking. I shall not attempt to ^ive even a skele- 
ton description of the stupendous collection. Let it suf- 
fice to say that there is a vast quantity of materials per- 
taining directly and indirectly to sundry Khamses and 
Nebuchadnezzars and other mighty men of the East, and 
relics of Greece and Rome without number. There are 
printed books by the hundred thousand, and manuscripts 
in proportion, with autographs of almost every famous 
and infamous dead and living man and woman gifted 
with the art of fingering a pen. There are mineralogical, 
geological, and botanical specimens by the cart-load, and 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 351 

a truly appalling array of preserved birds, beasts, and 
fishes. There are — I know not what not. All this heter- 
ogeneous mass is admirably discriminated and arranged, 
there being one feature in the arrangement in particular 
of such singular merit that I cannot omit to mention it 
with the heartiest approbation, for it was one which I 
was grieved to find neglected in the otherwise well- 
ordered museums of Naples, Rome, and Paris, and, in- 
deed, in all the Continental museums 1 had visited — viz., 
the names and descriptions affixed to the objects are 
expressed in the English language. 

There is one circumstance connected with this Museum 
that I would not on any account pass over. In exploring 
the ornithological department, I was unable in the time at 
my disposal to discover any sample of the Great Amer- 
ican Kagle; but in place thereof what should I see but a 
feathered monster ostentatiously labeled "Great Amer- 
ican Turkey-Buzzard !" — perched up and fixed off with 
the identical sweep of Aving and cock of head which our 
artists love to give to their portraitures of the Fowl of 
Freedom. I do not suppose that anybody can fail to see 
in this another British outrage. Something ought to be 
done about it ; and I hope that, at the least, the honor- 
able Senator Sumner will include it in his Alabama ac- 
count along with the blood and treasure and sweat, wear 
of shoe-leather, detrition and fracture of teeth by hard- 
tack, blasphemies (the army swore terribly in Dixie), and 
the other items embraced by specification and implica- 
tion in his comprehensive bill of charges against Great 
Britain. 

Another object very prominent in my recollection of 
London is Westminster Abbey. It was with a feeling 
of solemn interest that I traversed this ancient pile. 
Graves of kings were about me, but I lingered not long 
at these. My footsteps turned more readily to "Poets' 
Corner." This is a small nook in the stately temple ; 
but what precious dust is gathered here ! Chancer, 
Shakspeare, Ben Jonson, Cowley, Milton, Dryden, Addi- 
son, Prior, Congreve, Gay, Thomson, Gray, Goldsmith, 
Garrick, Sheridan, Southey, Campbell, Wordsworth, Ma- 
caulay, Thackeray, lie within its precincts, or are com- 



352 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

memorated by memorials. Some of them have uncon- 
sciously penned their own epitaphs, for their monuments 
are inscribed with words appropriately selected from their 
writings. It is so with Shakspeare ; so it is with Camp- 
bell ; and so it is with Gay, though his epitaph was 
penned consciously and selected, some think, very inap- 
propriately, being couched in this hideously humorous 
phrase : 

"Life is a jest, and all things show it — 
I thought so once, but now I know it." 

Since I trod this hallowed ground it has opened to re- 
ceive another of England's worthies, Charles Dickens — 
fit company for the worthiest there. 

Several others of the noted objects of London I saw, 
but as of the majority of them I saw only the outside, I 
shall not tantalize or deceive my reader by professing to 
describe them. 

I am none of your penetrating travelers who can stop 
a day in a place and know all about it and be qualified 
to give you an exact analysis of the character of the 
people. If I were I should not make a favorable report 
of those that dwell in London. Those I had dealings 
with were for the most part a very unceremonious, 
discourteous, snappish set of curmudgeons. But I am 
far from judging the whole by a part. I have no doubt 
there are some excellent persons somewhere in London, — 
there must be in so populous a place, — but very few of 
that class came within the scope of my observation. 
Probably they keep themselves close to avoid contami- 
nation by the rest. The very morning after reaching the 
city, on our first venturing forth, we were shamefully 
insulted by a red-coated miscreant, of a villainous salt- 
petre countenance and bearing, and with a gun in his 
hand, who, seeing us with our feet on the railing round 
a curious kind of cannon which we were inspecting in 
one of the parks, bade us take our feet off-o'-ther in such 
a short, hoarse, truculent voice that we did not under- 
stand him; whereupon he repeated his injunction with 
so great augmentation of emphasis and such snapping-up 
and putting into position of his firelock as greased our 
ears for the quick reception of his words and caused us 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIO. 353 

to draw off from him, bating him in our hearts. Now 
had this been a French warrior, in all probability he 
would have entreated us to do him the pleasure and 
honor to remove our feet from the vailing if we could 
possibly make it consist Avith our convenience to do so, 
and most likely he would have been at a present-arms the 
whole time he was making the petition. 

Napoleon Bonaparte, among other remarks of his 
which have been recorded for our admiration, is reported 
to have declared that the English are a nation of shop- 
keepers. With all the deference due to so great a man, 
I think he spoke without adequate knowledge of the 
subject, if the shopkeepers of London are fair exemplars 
of the class. Had he ever gone a-shopping here he would 
have speedily found that they are wofully deficient in the 
prime element in shopkeeping, which is the courteous 
treatment of the customer. They may be tolerably con- 
ciliatory if they have the article you want; but if you 
ask for anything they happen not to have, the response 
in the negative is apt to be made very peremptorily and 
superciliously. The honor of your patronage may be 
accepted, but they are above soliciting it. In one of the 
shops where they did not have a certain book which I 
thought they would be likely to have, when I inquired 
politely where I would probably find it, I was told that I 
might get 'em where they made 'em, wherever that was, 
— an answer, methought, sufficiently correct in matter 
but something coarse in manner. Another of this nation 
of shopkeepers, an optical dealer, upon whose premises 
I had been seduced by his advertisement of stereoscopes 
for sale, denied having any such instruments on hand 
with such acrimony as almost terrified me. Indeed, had. 
I not usually been armed with a cane or umbrella, I ques- 
tion if I could have summoned enough valor to do any 
shopping in London at all. In Paris I had had a shop- 
woman to patiently overhaul hundreds of photographs 
in search of the low-priced picture I had asked for, and 
she would have gone on to overhaul thousands of them 
had not my own convenience obliged me to beg her to 
stop. Nothing approximating to this ever befell me in 
London. 



354 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

My companion was much addicted to ornithology, 
having in his stronger days devoted a good deal of his 
time to the shooting of partridges and such like. His 
interest in this branch of science induced him one after- 
noon, as we were walking out, to pause before a bunch 
of defunct birds lying upon the pavement and to in- 
quire of the man in whose custody they were to what 
order and genus they might belong. The custodian, a 
burly, straddle-legged, firm-footed wretch, raised the 
birds aloft, and says he, " Do you want to buy 'em ?" 
" No," says my companion, " I don't want to buy 'em, I 
only want to know what they are." " Well," says he, 
" if you don't want to buy 'em, I want to sell 'em ;" and 
with this he slings the bunch of birds down, puts his 
arms akimbo, describes a quadrant of a circle by centre- 
ing himself on the heel of one foot, and kicks up the 
other to an angle of about a hundred and ten degrees. 
No further communication was had with him. 

Almost the only person I encountered in London who 
had a well-defined genius for business was the operator 
in a certain barbering saloon. As I have already had 
occasion to mention, I had not cut my hair or trimmed 
my beard since I left home, and the consequence was a 
wildness of growth of these appendages desirable to be 
curtailed, and an accumulation amongst them of sea-salt, 
dust of empires, remains of antiquity, etc. that I did not 
care to lug across the Atlantic with me. Seeing a 
promising place in the Strand where these alterations 
could be effected, I entered and commanded that they be 
done. The operator put me in position and at once began 
as minute a fingering of my cranium as if he were a 
phrenologist. " You 'ave fine 'air," said he, " remarkable 
fine 'air, sir. It is a pity you 'av'n't more hof it." "It 
is," returned I; "it is a great pity." "We 'ave a 
Preparation," said he, " wich we gorontee to prejuce it 
hout again as thick as hever." This Preparation I ascer- 
tained was "The Juice of Lime;" — the juice being, I 
would fain hope and believe, that of the fruit and not of 
the earth of this name. "You should hallow me," he 
continued, "to recommend it to you." "Certainly I 
will," replied I ; "recommend it to me, by all means." 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 355 

"He-he!" tittered he; "you are jockler, sir." He, 
however, complied with my injunction and went on to 
deliver a powerful eulogium of the Juice of Lime as a 
fertilizer of the scalp. In the course of conversation he 
put himself in possession of the knowledg-e that I had 
been on the Continent. " The Continent," said he, " is 
hinjurous to people's 'eads. The salt gits in 'em in 
crossin' the Channel, and them countries is 'ot — the hair 
dries hup the 'air. Our customers always comes back 
with their 'eads hall brashy and split at the hends like 
yours is, but they beg-in with our Preparation, wich 
smooths 'em hoflf and puts a new glossh upon 'em at the 
first happlercation. You 'ave wery fine 'air, hall it wants 
is glossh." " Yes," said I, "it wants glossh." "Your 
'ead is much soiled," he Avent on to say ; " dandriflf is 
acumerlated, the scalf looks un'ealthy, and the pores of 
the skin is stopped hup with prespreration. We 'ave a 
little treatus on the use and abe-use hof the 'air, showin' 
'ow it may be preserved in youthfil lustrer to hextreme 
hold hage, wich we put in the wropper round our Prep- 
aration, wich is just the thing for you. 'Er Majesty and 
the Royil fam'ly happlies it to their hown 'eads and says 
there never was nothin' like it." After much more dis- 
course of the same tenor, perceiving what little progress 
he was making in converting me, he brought his opera- 
tions to a close by declaring that he would anoint my 
head with some of his Preparation, an3^how, — which he 
did, rapturously directing my attention to its exquisite 
odor and ecstatic lubricity ; and then, hitching a big out- 
landish-looking cylindrical brush to a pulley, which caused 
it to fly around equal to the drum of a thrashing-machine, 
he proceeded to brush my hair therewith. This was the 
first time my hair was ever brushed by machinery, and 
the impression made upon me was very great. Seeing 
me ready to depart he took a bottle of the Preparation in 
each hand, and, planting himself before me, made the most 
eloquent and able appeal in behalf of it that I have ever 
heard from mortal lips on any such topic. Simple courtesy 
would have dictated some notice on my part of such an 
oratorical effort, but its fervor and power compelled a 
formal reply. " Friend," said I, " for years I have 



356 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

diligently used 'Dolbibby's Concentrated Compound 
Comminuted Extract of Guano, Highly Perfumed, for 
the Promotion of the Growth of tlie Hair,' and ' Professor 
Chinch Shadd's Natural Detergent, or Rational Com- 
bination of Soap, Soda, and Sandpaper, for Purifying the 
Scalp, Cleaning out Chicken-coops, Polishing the Teeth, 
and Removing Rust from Old Iron.' In spite of these 
my fine hair, as you yourself have discovered, has seriously 
diminished in quantity and has become brashy and split 
at the ends and deprived of its gloss, while my head is 
much soiled, dandruff has accumulated, the scalp looks 
unhealthy, and the pores of the skin are stopped up with 
perspiration. All this Avreck and desolation has come in 
spite of the use of the best preventives that the genius of 
man has ever devised; for, mark you I — Dolbibby's and 
Shadd's preparations are both compounded after recipes 
of my own invention. It would be stultifying myself to 
admit that anybody else's preparations are better than my 
own, and your proi)Osition to purchase the Juice of Lime 
is respectfully but firmly declined." His jaw dropped 
and we parted. 

Of the vices and of the virtues of London, is there not 
enough written in other travel-books ? It would seem 
that there dwell here the worst of villains — they who, 
after assassinating a fellow-man, will grind up his remains 
and put them upon the market done into sausages — and 
the best of Christians, — who send out flannel waistcoats 
to the tropical heathen. The social contrasts have also 
been thoroughly talked about. Some writers moralize 
with great power upon the vast distance that intervenes 
here between the top and the bottom rounds of the ladder 
of life — a marvelous thing, which they appear to have 
realized for the first time on arriving in London. For 
my part, I did not have to go to the great city to recog- 
nize this. I can see it plainly enough in my own little 
town. I have known, 1 think from my childhood, that 
very rich folks are better ofi" than very poor ones, and I 
must honestly admit that to my mind it is not very 
surprising that this should be so. Of a truth, London 
has its penury and its wealth, its disgraces and glories, 
its abasements and exaltations, its pains and pleasures, 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 3 5 7 

its woes and joys, like every other spot on this Hell-cnrsed 
Heaven-blessed earth. Of the kind and degree of all 
these circumstances I conld not walk its streets without 
obtaining- some inkling, but if I were to presume to make 
specific mention of them, as well as of many other things, 
it could only be after another visit made under more 
propitious auspices. 



CHA.PTER XXVIL 

How we set out for Liverpool to embark for America, and of the agree- 
able Companion we journeyed with — A few Observations on Liverpool 
— A Glimpse of Ireland, and the Passage Home, with an Account of 
the Principal Passenger and of my Shipwreck, and the Conclusion 
of the Volume. 

One day more and we were to be upon the sea, home- 
ward bound. We employed this day, or three or four 
hours of it, in journeying to Ijiverpool, where lay the 
steamer that was to take us over. It was a pleasant 
journey, for we happened to be quartered with an un- 
usually communicative old English gentleman, who, find- 
ing we were from America, set us down for barbarians, 
who knew nothing, and availed himself of the circum- 
stance to make himself great and glorious in our eyes. 
Thus, he related an interesting anecdote of how adroitly 
on one occasion he had reserved a whole compartment of 
a railroad carriage to himself and friend by feigning to be 
conveying the said friend to a lunatic asylum. He told 
it with great minuteness and particularity, and caused us 
to laugh with a heartiness which would have astonished 
him had he known that we had not heard it above fifty 
times before in our own country. He also drew forth his 
watch, a hunting-case affair, and directed our especial at- 
tention to the singularly great improvement effected by 
making a little circular aperture in the centre of the case, 
by which the face could be seen without the trouble of 
springing the cover. He informed us that he was the 
inventor of this admirable device, the idea having oc- 

31 



358 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

curred to him of a sudden on his present trip to London. 
We lauded it as a real advance in watch-making, and, to 
show that the appreciation was genuine, my companion 
pulled out a time-piece with identically the same improve- 
ment, which he had bought some time before from an 
horologer, who had scores of them. The inventor was 
stunned for a little while by the sight of it, but rallied 
under the remark that coincidence in invention was not 
very uncommon. At one of the stopping-places we 
thought the old fellow was in a fit; but he explained 
that he was merely recognizing his friend the brother of 
the Eremier ; and, from the very decided commotion 
under which he was laboring, we thought that it was 
really probable he had seen the apparition of some great 
man or other. On the whole, our friend was a very agree- 
able person, talking much on many topics ; and, with the 
limitation that we could not believe a word he said, we 
got a vast deal of information out of him. We thought, 
indeed, he was a little too ancient to be carrying on so ; 
but, as it did us no harm and him so much good, we took 
no step to dash his joy. 

The district of country through which we passed was, 
for the most part, level and sprinkled with trees, and 
thickly settled and highly cultivated. We reached Liv- 
erpool early in the afternoon, being let down into it along 
an inclined plane through a tunnel by means of a rope, 
an operation which we underwent with admiration not 
unmixed with awe. Upon the recommendation of our 
fellow-passenger, we repaired to the hotel called after 
the Father of his Country, namely, Washington, and, in 
this particular at least, found that he might be depended 
upon ; for, though it may possibly not be the best of 
hotels, it is good enough for one who is going to leave 
the country the next morning. In this establishment 
they observe the good old English custom of having a 
maid to keep bar, and a lady also presides in the office. 

Having dined, I strolled forth to get what idea I might of 
the place in the few hours I could devote to it. I do not be- 
lieve there is much of general interest to be seen in Liver- 
pool. It is a business town, and the inhabitants are a prac- 
tical people, more disposed to accumulate money for their 



OF A DOCTOR OF PffYSIC. 359 

own proper good than to waste it in making displays for 
the benefit of strangers. I came across a monument to the 
Duke of Wellington, and another to His Royal Highness 
Prince Albert, which had that cold, gloomy, lonely look 
which runs in the family of monuments. I also contem- 
plated St. George's Hall, hard by the monuments, which 
is the great hall of the town ; and afterwards stumbled 
into and walked through the Roscoe Arcade, which is a 
kind of caravansary for the sellers of sere-and-yellow-leaf 
furniture, and where I was treated with open contumely 
and profound contempt because it appeared not to me 
judicious to traffic for an old buggy bedstead and a bureau 
with the varnish all rasped oft". Liverpool is a smoky 
place, and for so important a one presented, it seemed to 
me, no very prepossessing aspect, though, in truth, I 
inspected it only in the vicinity of the hotel. 

When I came forth the next morning I was astonished 
at beholding all the horses in town discharging their 
duties gloriously arrayed in gay cloths and crowned 
with flowers. IJpon inquiry I ascertained that this was 
done in honor of May-day, it being the praiseworthy 
custom of the place on this festival to gladden the hearts 
of the quadrupeds with the delights of finery, that they 
too might participate in the rejoicings incident to the 
occasion. Another astonishment awaited us when we 
came to settle our bill. In this document we found 
recorded against us between thirty and forty drinks, 
potations of the preceding night. They were all speci- 
fied minutely on the authority of the bar-maid, and com- 
prised a few ales, some gins, several whiskies, and very 
many brandies. We stood appalled at this stupendous 
catalogue, and as soon as we could recover breath flatly 
denied the charges. The lady of the office scanned us, 
and clearly perceiving that we were not of a stomach to 
take in these things and live to dispute the bill, was 
pleased to remit the items from us and set them to some- 
body else's account. 

In a few minutes we were on the tender and making 
our way to the steamer, which was awaiting us out in 
the river. We now had the opportunity of contemplat- 
ing the magnificent docks, works of solid stone, miles in 



3G0 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

extent, and justly the pride of Liverpool. Oar eyes were 
also refreshed by the view of the river itself; for the 
Mersey is here a fine stream, whose broad expanse con- 
forms to the American idea of what a river ought to be. 
Presently we were on board the steamer, where, for our 
own parts, owing to our moderation in baggage, we 
were comfortably domiciliated at once and at leisure to 
observe our English fellow-passengers, who were straight- 
way flung into a tremendous pother and perspiration, and 
remained so for a long period, by reason of the perplex- 
ing multiplicity of their packages. About one o'clock 
we set out, steaming along in gallant style, but shortly 
slackened speed to receive the mails and three or four of 
that strange sort of travelers who inevitably start by the 
last opportunity instead of the first; after which we went 
fairly and squarely on our way. 

After passing a dreadful night, occasioned by the hid- 
eous noises on board, especially those arising from the 
cleaning of ashes from the boilers and the songs with 
which the mariners beguiled their labors, at nine o'clock 
next morning we came to anchor before Queenstown, 
where we were to stop till the afternoon to take on the 
latest mails. The little mail-steamer coming off to us 
soon after, several of the passengers took the opportunity 
of going ashore in her to get a peep at old Ireland, — 
among them a fat and facetious German gentleman long 
resident in England and myself. Between him and me 
a strong friendship had already been established in con- 
sequence of the congeniality of our dispositions, both of 
us being irrepressible commentators on men and things 
and terrible jabberers at meat, and we associated our- 
selves together on this expedition. 

The harbor of Queenstown is a very fine one and 
strongly fortified, and the scenery around it is really 
lovely. Queenstown itself is a picturesque and small 
place, which would be an exquisitely dull one into the 
bargain were it not enlivened to the last degree by 
beggars. 

This active class of the Queenstown community were 
as numerous as at Cadiz, and far more tormenting, from 
the fact that they could put themselves in verbal com- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 361 

munication with us. No sooner did we touch terra 
firma than we were beset by them in shoals. The large 
majority of them were widows, according to their own 
showing, — old widows and young widows, each provided 
with a preternatural quantity of children. They wel- 
comed us in the most enthusiastic manner, blessing the 
day that brought us to their shores, and giving glory that 
they had been spared to see our honors. Unbounded 
encomiums were showered not merely upon our moral 
but our physical loveliness. Never before did I know 
wherein my comeliness consisted, but these acute ob- 
servers pointed out my lurking beauties at first sight; 
and as for my fat friend, had he not been a philosopher 
indifferent to these vanities, he must have become puffed 
up to bursting with the commendations lavished upon 
the shapely rotundity of his body and the symmetrical 
massiveness of his head. Clamorous with compliments, 
the widows pursued us high and low all over town, 
trooping with their menagerie of children close upon our 
heels when we walked and camping round about us 
when we stopped to rest. In time, however, they began 
to see that we were men of obdurate hearts which were 
not to be softened by blandishments ; and now the innate 
delusiveness of widows began to display itself. Their 
compliments were suspended, and in place of them came 
the most derogatory declarations and most opprobrious 
comments. Somehow they had imbibed the idea that I 
was a man of natural benevolence, passing friendly to 
widows and willing to relieve their distresses, but that 
my amiable intentions were kept from fructifying by the 
malign interposition of my fat friend. In this supposi- 
tion they certainly did him gross injustice, but it had the 
good effect, at any rate, of preserving me from the 
heaviest of their tire and concentrating it upon him. 
Their remarks were exceeding pointed and peppery, and 
very painful to hear. " Be gorra," said an old widow, 
"the worrums will have fine atin' av him, blissed be the 
sints in glowry!" Said another old widow, "Down't ye 
ax the ould divil inny mowre — his hid an' his billy's too 
big to hiv innything good in 'em." Harassed out of his 
wits bv the everlasting homily of a young widow con- 

31* 



362 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

cerning his duty to take care of the fatherless, mj friend 
was so indiscreet as to ask her why she had so many 
children. The young widow blazed up terribly at this 
question, and among other dreadfully disparaging things 
screamed to him that he might break his very shin-bones 
in trying to get only one and would fail. The persecu- 
tion was now getting too fierce and fiery to be borne, and 
we were compelled to retreat to the mail-boat and hide 
to save ourselves. Terror of the captain prevented them 
from following us, and here we remained, cowering 
behind the machinery, till at last to our great joy the 
mails came down and were taken on board and we were 
ready to return to the steamer. The body of widows 
collected in force on the wharf to see us off, chattering 
and clamoring and commenting upon us in the most un- 
gentlemanly terms, my unfortunate fat friend being sin- 
gled out for the crudest of their animadversions. And 
so it came to pass, that whereas beggars welcomed me 
into Europe, so did beggars hustle me out of it. 

At four o'clock the engines were put in motion to be 
stopped no more now till we were on the other side of the 
world. We were done with mankind for a time, or for- 
ever, — who could tell ? — and must rely upon ourselves. 
We watched the receding land, those of us who were 
going home, cheerfully — those of us who were leaving it, 
sorrowfully — as long as it could be seen, and when dark- 
ness came we watched a far-off lighthouse. Its benignant 
light was still gleaming upon us late in the night when I 
retired to rest, and this was the last I saw of Europe. 

Our steamer was constructed on the same model as the 
Guipuzcoa, the Spanish ship that bore us over from Cuba, 
but was larger than that worthy old craft. From what 
I had heard of the line to which she belonged I was pre- 
pared for better accommodations than were furnished. 
With proper allowance for the ditference between Spanish 
and English cookery, the fare was inferior to that of the 
Guipuzcoa, inferior in the variety, profusion, and general 
" make up" of the dishes. The flesh and fowl were prone 
to be indifferent well flavored, and were oftentimes pesti- 
lently sturdy in resisting the teeth. Neatness was, how- 
ever, in higher esteem on this vessel, except in one impor- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 363 

tant particular— there were no table-napkins. Some of us 
with beards and moustaches who were soup-eaters, perceiv- 
ing- what great embarrassments this neglect would entail, 
made bold at the outset to seize each for himself a waiter's 
towel, notwithstanding the earnest protestation of the stew- 
ard against the proceeding, and contrived to maintain pos- 
session of it during: the whole voyage — one or two being 
so fortunate, indeed, as to be able to secure a second towel 
towards the last. One of the most reprehensible features 
iu the management was the attempt to crowd all the pas- 
sengers at one table. In this they nearly or quite suc- 
ceeded, and the consequence was that we ate at immense 
disadvantage, being eternally in one another's way. This 
state of things could notbut hinder the growth of the kindly 
feelings amongst us, for we could not but rejoice when our 
neighbor was laid low by sea-sickness and lament when he 
rose again, seeing that our own comfortable feeding was 
involved in his presence or absence. Our first dinner to- 
gether was a disastrous botch, no man knowing his rights 
or respecting those of other people. The waiters, too, may 
be said to have been all at sea, trotting hither and thither 
taking orders and forgetting to execute them. After this, 
however, things gradually began to adjust themselves, and 
by the time we reached New York were getting into quite 
a promising state. By that time all the loquacious portion 
of the company had gravitated to one end of the table, hav- 
ing driven away the quiet eaters, and especially frightened 
off what ladies had quartered there at first. The fat and 
facetious German gentleman was one of this band, and so 
was I, and the uproar they made at meal-times was stu- 
pendous. 

Our passengers were of the general run of decorous, unos- 
tentatious, companionable passengers, with nothing about 
most of them particularly characteristic. There was a lady 
who had crossed the ocean twenty-seven times. There 
was also an old gentleman with an incurable organic dis- 
ease of the eyes which had impaired his sight so that he 
had to be led about the deck, who had been treated unsuc- 
cessfully by the best oculists of London and Paris and was 
now journeying to New York to put himself under the care 
of one of our celebrated "natural healers," — an interesting 



364 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

case, since it showed the reco,2:nition of American talent 
abroad, and pitiable, too, in that a sensible, amiable, fee- 
ble old man should be deluded into adventuring all this 
weary way on a fool's errand. 

We had, however, one pretty prominent character 
amongst us — a gentleman spoken of and addressed by 
his wife under the appellation of Mr. Richard. He was 
English by birth, but had been naturalized in the United 
States, and had resided for a great many years in one of 
our large Western cities, where he had become thoroughly 
impregnated with American ideas and principles, and now 
esteemed himself as perfect an American as if he had 
been born in the country. He was an exceedingly 
knowing gentleman, versed in any topic that could be 
started, and quick to enter into conversation, which he 
had the most admirable knack of speedily transforming 
into a controversy. He clipped the king's English 
freely, and was greatly addicted to metaphor and sub- 
stantial portly words, speaking in a strain sometimes 
trenching closely upon the poetical. By all odds his 
most favorite field of argument was the political. On 
this account especially I held him to be an inestimable 
acquisition to the ship, for he kept us continually in the 
current of national politics, which \s Vae pabulum pabu- 
loruvi of enlightened Americans. He was of the sect 
which is called " Copperheads," being one of the worst 
amongst them. It made the nerves curdle to hear him 
detail the enormities which had been and were yet being 
perpetrated by his ravening enemies the Radicals, which 
had reached so sanguinary a pitch as to preclude him 
from ever speaking of the land of his adoption in any 
other form of words than " Our bleedin' country." When 
not debating or expounding, he could usually be found on 
the upper deck, sitting with a thick stick in his hand, 
looking straight out to sea, with his aged black beaver 
hat well on the back of his head, and with his mouth 
puckered up and his visage wearing a cast of the mourn- 
fulest reverie, and when his meditations would be brought 
to light, they would invariably prove to be grounded upon 
the woes of our bleedin' country aforesaid. 

I early became acquainted with Mr. Richard, the ac- 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 365 

quaintance being brought about ere we were yet out of 
sight of Liverpool by a surmise of niine that we might 
have a safe passage, — with which surmise he immedi- 
ately took issue, advancing several reasons why we 
might not. A discussion ensued and then other con- 
versation, by which he learned that I was from the South. 
He now warmed to me at once, regarding me in the light 
of one who had suffered in an especial manner from the 
persecutions of the public eneni}'. "I mourn for you," 
said he ; and then imposing his massive hand with a 
paternal flop upon my shoulder-blade he bade me cher 
riqo, for, he continued, " at the next election we will 
root down them who're gnashin' their bloody fangs over 
a hopeless pipple." I expressed to him what a weight 
he had lifted from my heart by this assurance, and he 
went on to tell me privately, with the request that I 
v/ould not mention to any one that he had said so, that 
in his opinion the Radical party were Nerios bent on 
destroyerin' the liberties of our bleedin' country, and 
next let me into some of their villainies in the matter of 
the tariff, and in otlier matters which I did not entirely 
understand, but agreed that it was indeed but too true. 
All this led to a review of the war, which he criticised 
with great severity. " They tried to force my son in," 
said he, "but they couldn't git him to fight you." And 
he related an incident which displayed the magnanimity 
of the young man's character in a striking light. He 
had been drafted and the officers went forth to take him 
in his slaughter-pen, where he was peacefully pursuing 
his regular avocation of killing hogs. When he was 
apprised of their errand, as quick as lightning he uplifted 
his reeking butcher-knife, and exclaimed he, — " Before I 
Avill be taken to the army I'll plurnge this weepin' 
through and through me — by Gum!" They were too 
nimble for him, however, for ere he could execute his 
threat they had secured him inextricably. " But," added 
the father, triumphantly, " he was as good as his word, — 
he wouldn't fight aginst you, — he bought a substoot. " 

Mr. Richard then proceeded to recount a mass of re- 
volting barbarities inflicted on the soldiers themselves, 
particularly how they were robbed of things sent to 



366 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

them. I was in full accord with his feelings on this 
point, being cognizant that similar atrocities were wrought 
on our own side during the war, and I became equally 
hot in venting my wrath against the perpetrators of them. 
And, indeed, what outrage can be more villainous ? 
Amongst civilians universally the robbery of a church is 
held to rank with the basest of crimes, but as a warrior 
I protest that the robbery of a soldier's box sent him by 
the loving ones who have stinted and starved themselves 
to give a son or brother a little taste of home comforts is 
worse than sacrilege. Ah, me! the shrieks, and roars, 
and tears, and curses that I have seen and heard over 
the scraps of paper, the empty bottles, and desolate tin 
pie-plates revealed upon the raising of the box-lid, — and 
all without avail, for never on any occasion within my 
knowledge could justice be got to overtake the demons 
who wrought the ravage. 

There were some of the opposing sect on board, and it 
would have been against reason had so blatant a reviler 
of their principles as Mr. Richard was been permitted to 
go long without an attempt to check him. In fact, so 
soon as the second day, while we were yet lying at 
anchor in the harbor of Queenstown, a Radical champion 
went up against him in his camp on the upper deck, 
where a terrible battle of words was at once joined. The 
Copperhead declared that the Radical party was a con- 
glomernation of vill'ny, and that he was for liberty. The 
Radical replied that he was for country. The Copper- 
head rejoined that shoulder-straps and shoddy had been 
the ruin of his bleedin' country. The Radical retorted 
that the Copperheads were in favor of paying the Rebel 
debt. At this Mr. Richard waxed wroth exceedingly 
and notified his adversary that since he had commenced 
to throw epithrets he himself could throw epithrets, too ; 
and straightway began to do so. The Radical finding 
that he was unable to withstand the jagged and shapeless 
verbal masses that now came showering upon him, and 
being incapable of replying in kind, fell back, — to the 
disgust of the triumphant Copperhead, who complained 
that it was invariably the case that as soon as he cornered 
one of them he would run away. This encounter diffused 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 361 

around such a just conception of Mr. Richard's calibre 
that though there were many passages of arms between 
him and the rest of the company afterwards, it was 
always understood by everbody but himself that they 
were merely feints, and that no one cared to cope with 
hiai in serious argument. 

As a whole, the passage was a dull one. The captain, 
unlike him of the Guipuzcoa, neither laughed, nor 
screamed, nor played on the gourd for us, but, on the 
contrary, was a grave, sober, reserved mariner, who de- 
voted his attention exclusively to the navigation of the 
ship, leaving the passengers to their own devices. Neither 
did these sing and dance of nights, as did our Spanish 
fellow-voyagers, but betook themselves to such sedate 
pursuits as whist and checkers. The earlier portion of 
the day would be worried through by the sedentary in' 
yawning over the books of the library, and by the active 
in distressing efforts to play a species of croquet and 
other games, wo-begone sea-faring adaptations of earthly 
pastimes. Meal-times were the most pleasant seasons, 
and much jocularity prevailed on these occasions, at least 
at our end of the table, where the fat and facetious Ger- 
man gentleman would lead off and be ably aided and 
abetted by the rest till the inappreciative steward would 
break us up by lugging off the dishes and dragging away 
the table-cloth. After dinner this roistering segment of the 
company would concentrate in the cuddy to smoke, re- 
count adventures, and mayhap to sing. At these con- 
vocations the Coppei'head usually attended to refresh us 
with his exhaustive disquisitions, and once or twice he 
was induced to unbend sufficiently to volunteer a song. 
This song was a naval ditty, setting forth the exploits of 
the immortal Nelson, and was enriched with a chorus 
whose curious collocation of " yilly-yilly-yum-yio" and 
" tilly-tilly-tum-tio " would have irresistibly struck the 
auditor whoever might have been the chorister, but, as 
rendered by the present executioner, filled every soul 
with unimaginable emotions. Such, however, was the 
recognized merit of the performance that, although no 
one could tell for certain whether the melodist was sing- 
ing or crying, and he had, moreover, to come to a dead 



368 TIJE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

halt at the end of the first two lines of every stanza to 
consider what were the last two, the assembly received 
it with unbounded applause and rapturously demanded a 
repetition. 

It was at one of these cuddy meetings that I gained 
an opportunity to unburden myself of a matter which I 
was never able before to satisfactorily discharge. The 
subject of shipwreck was introduced, and, getting the 
ears of the convocation, I was for once in a position to 
detail fully to an intelligent and sympathetic audience a 
disaster of the kind which it had been my fate to be called 
upon to endure. 

Pause we right here for a moment. It is a maxim 
continually enforced by moralists that it is in our power 
to profit ourselves by every stroke of adversity that be- 
falls us, and they cogently inculcate it as a solemn duty we 
owe to ourselves to do so. This is my own sentiment in 
the matter, and, indeed, I am not one to suffer gratui- 
tously if I can help it. But, up to this time, I have not 
derived one iota of benefit from my shipwreck, and this 
I conceive is attributable to the fact that it has never be- 
come generally known, there having been no one with 
common charity enough to talk about my calamities and 
get them into profitable circulation. Nay, I know some 
people so selfish as to deprive me of the comfort and ad- 
vantage of my sufferings by slurring over and smothering 
the subject even after it had been broached, and when I 
was hopeful of achieving therefrom a goodly degree of 
repute and consideration among my fellow-citizens. I am 
determined that this state of things shall stop. I have 
suffered from silence long enough, and I mean to suffer 
no longer. My shipwreck would certainly be worth 
something to me if it were properly brought before the 
public, and, since no one will do this paltry service for 
me, now that the opportunity offers I shall summon my 
manliness to my aid, beat down my modesty, and do it 
for myself. I beseech of the reader, therefore, as a simple 
act of justice to a man whose name has been unright- 
eously kept out of the newspapers, to peruse the follow- 
ing succinct narrative, which is in substance what I re- 
lated in the conference above mentioned ; and let him not 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 369 

niggardly keep it to himself, but let him show at least a 
spark of magnanimity by bringing it to the attention of 
the females of his family : 

Some years ago it chanced that I was tarrying in 
Jerusalem, of Southampton, in Yirginia. While there 
abiding I made acquaintance with that admirable old salt, 
Captain Sylvester Drake, commander of the A No. 1 river 
craft, the Jane Eliza, who, taking a fancy to me, was 
pleased to tender me the hospitalities of his ship on my 
way home. The Jane Eliza was then at the port of 
Smithfield, on James River, a few miles distant, where 
she was loading with jugs for the Richmond market. I 
gratefully accepted his kind proffer, and at the proper 
time repaired to Smithfield and embarked. 

In the middle of a pleasant day, some twelve hours 
after we were all ready to go, we gradually set sail and 
departed with the bcr.edictions of the citizens and a full 
cargo. The ship's company consisted of Captain Drake, 
who also acted as cook and anchor-dropper, and a reflect- 
ive man, whose duty it was to abut against the tiller and 
bring the vessel up whenever she showed a tendency to 
veer more than forty- five degrees from the direct course. 
There were no passengers other than nn- self. We moved 
demurely along without the occurrence of anything par- 
ticular till sunset, when we ran ashore, and, dropping an- 
chor at the bow, tied our stern to a tree, and so reposed 
in quietude all night. 

Next morning, after breakfast, we set out again and 
traveled on pleasantly, the captain beguiling the hours by 
eating peanuts, and I by picking oakum. The afternoon 
was a remarkably fine one, and this circumstance, con- 
joined with the fact that we were now arrived at a famous 
oyster-ground, induced Captain Drake about four o'clock 
to knock oft" for the day and lay by. A pair of oyster- 
tongs was a portion of the normal furniture of the Jane 
Eliza, and albeit it was in the summer season, when this 
species of fish has lost its obesity and is withal in ill re- 
pute as to wholesoraeness, we lowered the boat and be- 
took ourselves for the remainder of that pleasant afternoon 
to the extraction and the cooking and eating of oysters. 

32 



370 THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

It was most delightful. Alas, what a disastrous day was 
to follow this festive night ! 

We started rather early the ensuing morning, for the 
captain had hopes. Providence permitting, to get some- 
where in the neighborhood of Richmond that evening. I 
was still abed on the cabiu-table and a bacon-box (for 
though the captain had most politely insisted on giving 
me his berth I positively refused to deprive him of it), 
my whole strength employed in digesting the oysters I 
had eaten, when of a sudden the Jane Eliza received a 
blow which seemed to shiver her timbers, and which was 
accompanied with a rushing of waters and the most 
appalling rattling of jugs that the human mind can con- 
ceive of I was on my head in an instant and as soon as 
possible on my feet, and forthwith hurried on deck. The 
horrid truth loomed high before me in the shape of one of 
those gigantic plain matter-of-fact structures which by an 
outrageous misnomer are called Lighters, being in truth 
heavier than any other specimen of naval architecture. 
It appeared that our reflective steersman, intent on intro- 
spection, had failed to look out, and so had suffered the 
Jane Eliza to be run down by the lighter, — to which, of 
course, no blame could be attached, since this kind of 
craft does not profess to steer and is too self-sufficient to 
have the inclination, even if it had the power, to get out 
of anybody else's way. A great hole had been staved in 
the Jane Eliza's bow, her doom had been inexorably 
pronounced, and it was clear that no human power could 
save her. All that remained for us was to endeavor to 
save ourselves. By a prodigious effort. Captain Drake 
and myself mounted into the lighter, being generously 
assisted by the colored navigators of that portentous 
craft, but the steersman, true to his nautical instincts, 
remained faithfully abutting against the tiller, and would 
probably have gone down at his post had not Captain 
Drake from the lighter's side screamed to him, " Come 
out o' thar, you darned lubber!" He obeyed orders and 
came, being encouraged all the way by such expressions 
as "A divil of a mess you've made of it, ain't you ?" and 
" Darn you !" frequently repeated. 

And now from the lighter's side we saw and heard the 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 371 

good ship Jane Eliza and her precious freight of innumer- 
able jugs struggling with the pitiless element. It was 
au awful scene, utterly indescribable, but never to be 
forgotten. High above all was the dreadful gurgling of 
the jugs as they drank in their death potion. " Iggle- 
iggle-iggle," squeaked the little jugs, — "oggle-oggle- 
oggle," moaned the medium jug'S, — " uggle-uggle-uggle," 
groaned the big jugs. For yards around the water boiled 
and bubbled in a way only to be paralleled by the seeth- 
ing pool of Phlegethon. Let the reader look within and 
picture for himself, if he can, this tremendous spectacle, 
for what pen can adequately describe the shipwreck of a 
bark laden with jugs ? 

The direful sights and sounds gradually became stilled, 
but for a long time after the accustomed calm had over- 
spread the scene there would at intervals come forth the 
last bubblings of some long-enduring jug, tenacious of its 
vital air, which had at length succumbed. We gazed in 
a sort of fascination upon the spectacle, watching it 
intently to the last, and I think our heads must have been 
turned by its horrors, for we — that is, the colored navi- 
gators and myself — frequently broke into wild peals of 
laughter. The Jane Eliza was gone forever, and with 
her were gone my hat, coat, vest, pantaloons, and shoes 
and stockings ; but I myself had been mercifully delivered 
from the dangers and inconveniences of submersion, and 
I was tolerably thankful. 

The lighter people were as kind as they could be to us, 
though their kindness was necessarily restricted by their 
circumstances, — there being nothing to eat, drink, or 
wear on board. They, however, cordially permitted us 
to walk about in the water in the bottom of the lighter 
and to sit on the beams. I was pained to see that Captain 
Drake and his reflective steersman, instead of being united 
by calamity, now began to fall further and further asunder. 
A distressingly contentious argument arose between them 
in discussing the theory of the catastrophe, which culmi- 
nated on the part of the steersman in a positive declaration 
that he would never give Captain Drake the benefit of his 
services again. 

We drifted hither and thither on the lighter till the 



372 'THE BOOK OF TRAVELS 

Norfolk steamer on her way to Richmond hove in sijrht. 
We hailed her and she stopped, and the commander, 
when we had told our sad story, moved by that generous 
sympathy which actuates mariners towards their ship- 
wrecked brethren, granted us a free passage, — Captain 
Drake lending me his pea-jacket in order that I might 
present myself before the deeply interested passengers of 
the steamer with something of that seemliness befitting a 
man of my station and function. On the steamer I 
procui-ed a full outfit of sailor-clothes, and so reached 
home, greatly chastened and sobered by the momentous 
scenes through which I had passed. 

Return we now to the main current of our narrative. 
The weather for most of the time was good and the sea 
smooth. For the first day or two we suifered from a 
mild visitation of sea-sickness, all the ladies having to lie 
down below, except the veteran of the twenty-seven 
crossings, who came manfully up to time at every meal. 
We soon became acclimated, however, and only a few 
sporadic cases of the malady occurred during the rest of 
the voyage. As we advanced westward, we began to be 
notably disturbed by the roosters on board, who having 
but a poor conception of longitude persisted in crowing 
by Liverpool time and broke us of our rest of nights. 
When we got on the banks of Newfoundland, we were 
beset by tremendous fogs, compelling us to extraordinary 
circumspection in navigation and a lavish blowing of the 
whistle. The weather, too, in these regions grew pierc- 
ingly cold, freezing the convocation of the cuddy out 
completely. On the second Sunday we had divine service 
in the cabin, nn^ professional brother, the ship's surgeon, 
officiating, and with an edifying impressiveness not to be 
expected from one who was so nimble a swearer as in my 
communion with hmi I had noted him to be. After 
prayers this same Sunday we had a series of little whirl- 
winds, typhoons, and other aerial gvmnastics, which 
caused the wind to whip about ahead, astern, and abeam, 
discomfiting landsmen and making the mariners stand by 
their ropes. And on the ensuing morning it was darkly 
whispered about ship that that night we had by a hands- 
breadth escaped colliding with another vessel. 



OF A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC. 373 

But thanks, hearty and sincere thanks, to the beneficent 
Power which had blessed me with the opportunity of 
enjoying so many new and interesting scenes, and had 
mercifully guarded me amongst them all, when I arose 
on the morning of the tenth day from Liverpool my eyes 
were gladdened by the sight of my native land. In a 
few hours we were in New York. In two days I w^as at 
home, and the journey was ended. 



THE END. 



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